Chapter 11 – “The 1” - Taylor Swift
AUGUST
AGE TWENTY - OCTOBER
“Feeling better?” I ask as she lays her head against my chest.
We’ve watched almost an entire season of Vanderpump Rules in one sitting, and I think at least half my brain cells are dead.
Elena was clearly upset and in pain when I arrived a few hours ago.
She said she wasn’t feeling well, and she has always had rough periods, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was something more to it.
“Yeah.” She nods against me sleepily. “Do you want to sit outside for a few before we go to bed?” She throws the blanket off our legs, padding over to the television stand and opening one of the drawers beneath it. She pulls out her bong, lighter, and a small bag of weed.
Everett broke the last bong Elena had, so for her birthday a few months ago, I bought her a plain glass one and hand-painted it with stars and constellations.
I’m not as big a smoker as the rest of them, but I imagine it does wonders for her cramps, so I get up and follow her out onto the balcony.
She silently loads her bowl, lights up, and takes a rip before handing it to me. As she exhales, puffs of smoke clouding the air around us, she says, “The fog cleared up, and you can actually see the stars tonight.”
As I take a hit, I look out beyond her balcony. Boats softly rock in the water below us, and the eastern mountains cast a faint outline in the distance, the sky above them dotted with stars.
“It’s beautiful,” I say, knowing that, regardless of what view is in front of me, when Elena is beside me, she’s all I’m going to see anyway.
“Do you think I should use a pen name when I publish?” she asks abruptly. I pass the bong back to her, turning to face her as I do. Her eyes are bright in the darkness.
“Yeah.” I watch her face fall before I continue, “You’ve done something special, Elena. You’re going to reach people with your words. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to protect yourself from the spotlight I have no doubt is about to be shining down on you.”
Her crestfallen expression turns blindingly bright as a smile takes over her face. “Really?”
“Yeah.” I smile back. “Your words are magic, but I also know you like your space and your privacy. You should give yourself the option to protect that. Doesn’t mean you’re hiding yourself or that what you’ve written is anything you need to hide from.”
She nods. “You don’t think writing is going to ruin my chances of finding a real job?”
“What is a real job?” I laugh. “No. I don’t think it’s going to hurt your ability to do anything, Elena. And honestly, I read a lot of damn books. You were born to be a writer. You’re going to go far with this.”
She sighs, taking another hit. On her exhale, she says, “I feel like nobody understands me except you.”
“I feel like that too,” I respond. “Did my brother say something?”
I know she decided recently to go through with self-publishing the book she has been working on the last few months.
She recently sent her manuscript to a freelance editor she found online and is doing the preparation of getting it ready to release.
She was mentally preparing herself to tell her parents, brothers, and Zach.
Now, I’m wondering if that’s exactly what she tried to do tonight.
“He told me I was insane.”
My jaw tightens at that. “Well, he hasn’t fucking read it, so his opinion really should be inconsequential.”
She nods. “I know. It’s just…he seemed almost embarrassed? Like he encouraged me to use a pen name, and I think it was because he’s afraid to be associated with someone who writes what I do.”
I watch her—her beautiful face deep in thought as she stares up at the stars. “Have you ever thought that maybe it isn’t him?”
“I know it’s not him.” She doesn’t look at me, her eyes instead tracing the constellations above us. “Love isn’t supposed to feel like this. But I’ve spent all my life wanting so desperately for him to be the one . I don’t think I know how to let go of that yet.”
I swallow down all the words I can’t say. I stretch my hand across the couch between us, her fingers brush against mine. I dig into the fabric, desperate to hold her instead but knowing I can’t. Unsure if I’ll ever be able to. Terrified she’ll never stop belonging to someone else.
She’s still looking at the sky, lost in space, as always. I’m still staring at her, lost in her eyes, like always.
“Well, for the sake of whoever the one is, I hope you figure it out soon. I know somebody’s out there waiting to give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”
Her head snaps sideways, eyes meeting mine. Her brow furrows, and I want so desperately to know what’s going through her mind right now, but I’m too terrified to ask. She opens her mouth before clamping it closed, like whatever she was about to say, she thought better of.
“Let’s go to bed.”
I nod wordlessly, following her back inside. We walk down the hallway past the kitchen to where the two bedrooms sit across from each other. I turn toward Leo’s door and she turns toward her own, stopping suddenly on the threshold.
“Augustus,” she whispers, turning to face me. An unreadable expression envelops her face, sending my heart into a spiral—I have no idea what she’s about to say next. “Do you want to have sex with me?”
My heart, my soul, all the contents of my stomach leap into my fucking throat. My cock jumps right alongside them, and I’m stuck floundering in the hallway, mouth opening and closing as my mind attempts to come up with a response.
“Ar–are you offering?” I manage to ask.
You fucking idiot.
Thankfully, she only laughs. “No. I just… Are you attracted to me in that way?”
“Every person on this goddamn planet is attracted to you in that way, Elena. Trust me.” Her eyes go wide, and if I’m not mistaken, I think her pupils might dilate.
“But you’re my best friend, and that comes first to me.
I wouldn’t risk it for a one-time thing.
Plus, you’ve never been apart from my brother long enough for me to attempt to make it more than that. ”
I may have laid myself too bare with that response, exposed too much of the truth I’ve spent half my life keeping to myself. In fact, I know I’ve said too much when Elena’s breath catches, and she takes a step back, like the words were a physical hit.
I watch her throat bob as she swallows, shaking away whatever thoughts are plaguing her mind.
“Right.” She licks her lips, eyes tracking my body head-to-toe, and suddenly, I realize it might be a very bad idea for me to sleep here tonight.
If she gives me the green light, I’m taking it, my brother be damned.
“Well, I hope I find the one someday soon, too.”
She doesn’t move right away, and neither do I. We stare each other down, the tension growing thick and hot between us. She looks at me like she wants me to say something—do something—and I know I’m looking at her the same.
I can’t be the one to make that move, though. If she’s going to choose me, I need to hear the words. I need to know it’s me, not him. I need to know it’ll never be him again, and until she figures that out, I won’t let this happen between us.
“Goodnight, Elena,” I say, stepping into Leo’s bedroom. I don’t give myself the chance to watch the expression on her face as I shut the door behind me.