Chapter 19 – “epiphany” - Taylor Swift
AUGUST
“EPIPHANY” - TAYLOR SWIFT
OCTOBER SECOND
“You fucked my girlfriend?”
My brother’s voice rages against the back of my head. I quickly rise and turn to face him. The wind gusts across our faces, causing the waves to crash harder against the sand behind us.
“She’s not your girlfriend.”
He scoffs, eyes bulging. “That’s all you have to say?”
“We haven’t had sex yet.”
Zach’s jaw trembles, and he looks away as he scoffs. “For months, Augustus. Months . Behind my back and lying to my fucking face.”
“I didn’t lie to your face,” I say softly. “I lied into your ears because I felt it was best to tell you in person. I wanted to wait until you got home.”
“So you’ve been sneaking around with her? Keeping it from everyone?”
“It wouldn’t have been fair to ask our family or friends to lie to you, too.”
“Thanks so much for taking that into consideration.” He laughs, but it’s humorless. “Why her? Of every woman on this goddamn planet, why her?”
“If you’re asking that question, it proves exactly why you never deserved her to begin with.”
It’s almost imperceptible, but his face softens.
“Admit it. You only loved her because she was mine first.”
“Bullshit.” I roll my eyes, unwilling to even entertain that idea.
“I did not love her because of you. I loved her in spite of you. Every time you broke her heart and she came to me with tears streaming down her face, I fixed it, knowing she’d go crawling back to you.
For years, I watched you ruin each other, and I stayed back—because I prioritized both of your happiness over my own.
“So, no. I will not apologize to you. I will not feel guilty for repairing what you broke, for cherishing what you threw away.” I toss my board down at our feet, taking a step toward him.
“I know you’re angry with me right now. I know you feel betrayed, and I understand it.
I understand it because you’ve made me feel that way too.
” I point at him, nearly close enough to poke his chest. “So you can rage right now. You can hit me if you need to, but eventually, I need you to understand—it was always going to be her and me, and we’re all gonna be better for it. ”
“I do see it, Augustus. I’ve always fucking seen it,” he seethes. “And that fucking sucks. Because Elena was the one thing that was supposed to be mine. Just mine.”
“The only person Elena is supposed to belong to is herself.”
Zach huffs, nodding tersely. He’s quiet for a moment, like he’s trying to quell his roaring anger. He paces a bit before finally walking over to my board and throwing his down beside it, along with his bag.
“You’re my brother, and I’ll get over this eventually, but it’s going to take me a while before I can apologize to Elena for the things I said this morning. I can’t say I regret them quite yet.”
“This morning?” My tone suggests surprise, but more than that, it suggests betrayal. I haven’t spoken to Elena yet today, but I assumed she was sleeping in after a late-night writing session.
Zach catches onto that slip, smirking as he squats to wax his board. “Oh? She didn’t tell you? I slept over there last night.”
Desolation ravages me, twisting my stomach and shoving it up my throat, cutting off my air.
“What? Don’t you trust her?” Zach knows the question is loaded. In every situation, I trust Elena implicitly. I trust her more than anyone I’ve ever known. The only thing that can shake our solid foundation is the person standing in front of me, the person who slept beneath her roof last night.
“It’s a bad day for surfing. We should go another time.” My words are flat and broken as I pick up my board and take off through the sand, knowing I’m not going to calm the storm rumbling beneath my skin until I get her explanation and have her in my arms.
“August!” my brother calls. “That was a joke. C’mon. Where are you going?”
“I’ve got to make sure she’s okay.” I turn around, facing my brother as he stands and begins walking after me.
“I have no doubt you left damage in your wake.” I don’t say another word, climbing the stairs that ascend the cliffside this beach rests beneath.
I refuse to look back, rage rushing through my veins.
For a moment, I almost wish he’d just disappear.
It’s a fleeting thought, but I can’t stop it from whispering the desire to have him absent from our lives again.
I can’t ignore how much destruction he’s caused Elena and me in the short time he has been back.
The thought fades. I don’t know how we’ll get our happy ending in my brother’s presence, but I can’t see any of us finding a happily ever after without it either.
He’s my brother, my family, part of all of us, and as fucked-up as this whole dynamic has become, I know deep down, none of us would ever truly be better off without him.
I reach the top, fastening my board to the roof of my Bronco. As if a breath skates across my neck, some sensation has me spinning, facing the horizon. The sky is dark, swirling, black clouds circling like some kind of omen. The water is choppy, waves hurling against the shore.
It’s a bad day for surfing. We never should’ve come out today.
I scan the sand for my brother, about to shout that warning once again, except I don’t see him on the shore. His bag is still there, dog walkers and beachgoers stroll the coastline.
I scan the water, heart stalling as I become desperate for any sight of him. His dark hair, his red surfboard—any proof at all that he’s still where I left him. I come up empty.
The ocean is a raging abyss of blue. No end. No mercy. It’s a bad day for surfing, yet I know with bone-deep conviction that my brother went out into those waves anyway, and now, he’s nowhere to be found.