14. Ruby
Chapter 14
Ruby
I sit in the parking lot of the baseball field, just staring at the dark scoreboard.
I’d decided to listen to the special edition podcast episode on my way home from dropping April off at Mandy and Will’s.
I’m a huge fan of the show and have it set to send me notifications any time a new episode posts.
But I pulled over four blocks from home when I realized they were talking about Scarlett.
Okay, Scarlett and a bunch of other people.
But definitely Scarlett.
I thought it would cheer me up. I thought I’d laugh a little.
I didn’t expect to feel like I couldn’t take a deep breath.
I already had a weird bunch of emotions tumbling around inside me.
The truth is, I thought April and Elliot were going to be staying with me longer, and if I’m being honest, I was going to use them as a distraction from the fact that my sister has a new relationship that is more important to her than I am. My niece also has a ton of new exciting things happening in her life that I am only on the fringe of.
Seeing how everyone embraced April today was heartwarming and amazing. But it also made me realize that I am not the only person that can help April through this time in her life. I may not even be the best one.
And I’m wondering why I don’t just head to New Orleans.
At least there I would be able to focus on my next steps, my new chapter, the exciting things I have ahead of me.
But all of that comes with a bunch of complicated emotions, too. Leaving my sister and Mariah. Starting over somewhere alone for the first time ever. And leaving Henry.
Now, instead of feeling lighter, I’m ashamed by the sense of hurt and disappointment I feel that I am hearing about how great Scarlett’s trip to Portland turned out from the podcast rather than from my sister or niece.
They’ve been busy. I’m sure Scarlett was nervous. She’s so passionate about this project, but the last time she was a big public speaker, up in front of audiences, trying to sell them on ideas, it was for our father’s church. I know that has left a bad taste in her mouth, and she has avoided the spotlight and public speaking for years.
But she didn’t even call me for a pep talk. Or text me, tell me I’m going to be fine .
She didn’t reach out to me before or after.
The event has been over for at least three hours now.
I’m glad it went well. Of course, I am. She needs to be good at this. The foundation means a lot to her, and it will do amazing work. She has to get out there and talk about it and not have flashbacks to her days of preaching and evangelizing.
But I did kind of think she might need a you can do this from me the first couple of times.
Still, this is good . I know that. This is her new life. Not only is she the wife of royalty, but she’s married to a guy who is natural as a public figure and who has now seemingly embraced the fact that he can do a lot of good if he decides to be Prince Cian rather than just some random unimportant guy the way he has for the past decade or so hiding out in the United States.
But, clearly, besides being her biggest cheerleader—and I may have lost that designation to Cian as well—I’m not the one to help my sister navigate this next chapter of her life.
She’s doing just fine without me.
I go to the show’s website and start scrolling through the photos they referenced.
There are more than I expected. Jonah and Linnea look incredibly happy. Alex Olsen is very handsome. Declan and Astrid make an amazingly beautiful couple.
But it’s the photos of Cian and Scarlett and Scarlett and Mariah that I linger over.
My sister looks gorgeous.
And it’s not her hair or her makeup or what she’s wearing. It’s her smile.
My heart aches a little in my chest, but I feel my own smile as I study her face.
I don’t remember the last time I saw Scarlett smile like that.
It was probably something to do with Mariah. Watching her up on stage at a school program or listening to her give an impassioned monologue about something important to her. She does that a lot.
My sister only looks like this when it has something to do with the love of her life.
That has always been Mariah.
Until now.
Now she has added something else. Or someone else.
My sister is completely, blissfully in love and happy.
And I am hit with a crazy mix of emotions.
The first is, and always will be, an equal measure of happiness.
This is what I always wanted for Scarlett. That look of contentment and happiness and the ability to laugh and relax and know that things are going to be okay.
I feel tears sting the backs of my eyes and blink rapidly.
Thank you, Cian .
My sister can finally just be . She can be happy, and she can rest. Of course, she’ll be working with the foundation, taking care of Mariah, and embracing her new life. But her spirit can rest. She doesn’t have to worry about money or material things. She doesn’t have to worry if Mariah is safe. She won’t be lonely or afraid.
I was always there and always did what I could, but now I don’t have to worry about her and those things for her either.
So, along with the happiness is relief.
We made it.
Through all the tough times, through all the anxiety, through all the hard work, we’re finally on the other side.
God, that feels good. It feels so good to take a deep breath and know that we don’t have to dread getting bills in the mail, worry if Mariah will qualify for enough financial aid to go to college, or dream about an amazing vacation where we just sit on our asses, eat incredible food, sleep late, and have no responsibilities for a week.
Now Scarlett can do that any time.
Fuck, I love that.
But I’m also hit with an incredibly strong sense of sadness.
Scarlett isn’t just mine anymore. I mean, I’ve shared her for sixteen years with Mariah, but that’s different.
Now, someone else, a grown adult from outside our little circle of three, has come along and taken up space in her heart.
I have to actually give up the majority of her time, energy, and attention.
Those belong to Cian now.
So, directly on the heels of all of that is a strong wave of guilt.
I should feel nothing but happiness.
I should only want all of the best things for Scarlett.
But I do feel a little jealous, a little sad, and a little relieved all at the same time.
Scarlett doesn’t need me anymore.
Mariah doesn’t need me anymore.
April doesn’t need me anymore. I’m not so sure she ever really did.
And that’s all great. I’m so happy for them.
The only problem is, if I’m not taking care of someone, I don’t really know who I am.
I put the car in drive and head toward my house.
It’s time for me to go to New Orleans.
My sister will miss me, my niece will be sad, my friends will be surprised, but they will all be okay. They have other people, other things, to focus on.
But Henry Dean will actually miss me a lot.
And tonight, as selfish as it is, I need to be around someone like that.