20. Chapter 20
20
We're All Friends Here
As I sit in front of my vanity and swipe mascara on my eyelashes, my phone buzzes.
Grant: I can’t wait to give my speech tonight and tell everyone I saw Oliver cry.
Ella: I didn't know he was capable.
Hads: I’m surprised his tear ducts haven't stopped working from improper use.
I start to laugh as another text comes through.
Oliver: You guys know I’m in this group chat, right?
Grant: Shit. I thought this was the book club one I’m in.
Oliver: Grant, you realize you’re not actually part of book club?
Hads: With Ames gone, he basically is.
Ella: I agree. He’s an honorary member.
Grant: Yeah, Ol. Honorary! Put some respect on my name, please.
Oliver: Fuck off. This is my engagement celebration. You guys are supposed to be nice to me.
Ella: “Supposed to.”
Hads: I’m your sister. I’m never nice to you.
I keep laughing as I swipe black liner on and finish off my makeup. It doesn’t take too long, and by then, I’m stepping into my dress. It’s a black, skin-tight dress with lace sleeves. Hads told me she’s wearing something green, and since it’s Paige’s engagement celebration, she’s wearing a white dress.
I’m so excited to celebrate my best friend finding love, and Alissa is even tagging along too. It’s going to be a great night.
But part of me wishes Amelia was around for this. Her and Paige were close, and I know us girls are upset our messages are still unanswered.
With every passing day of silence, I feel my patience with the situation wearing thinner.
If she was really our friend, she would be here for these moments, even if just over the phone. The radio silence is not only rude, but it’s getting old.
Whatever, I say to myself. Tonight is about Paige and the love she and Oliver will share for the rest of their lives. I’m happy for her. After all that girl has been through, she deserves this.
Her and I have some similarities with how we were raised. Paige basically raised herself since her dad left and her mom wasn't around, and I had to raise my sister and myself, and take care of my house while my dad worked two jobs to sustain us.
I haven't told any of them about what’s been going on with my mom, but if I was to say something, it would be to Paige. People who have happy parents don’t really understand what it’s like to have one or both parents be absent your entire life.
My dad did the best he could with the hand he was dealt—hell, his fucking wife and mother of his kids left—but he still wasn't there. I don't resent him for it, but it does fucking suck when I look back on that part of my life.
“Hey, Ells,” Alissa says as she pokes her head into my room. “Wow, you look hot.”
“Thanks. You look wonderful as well.” Liss opted for a red dress that falls to her knees. The long sleeves are tight, and she looks fabulous with her black red-bottom heels. Sometimes, I forget Alissa has a fuck ton of money.
“Oh, by the way, Leo is coming.”
My face falls. “Alissa, why? He doesn't even know Paige!”
“Oliver said it was fine! I’m trying to get him out of the house.” Alissa comes further into my room and shuts the door. “Our dad had a scare the other day, and it really rattled him. He needs to get out of the house and mingle.”
I nod in understanding. “How’s your dad? And how are you doing with all of this?” Alissa is a strong girl—mentally and physically—but I know all this stuff with her family has shaken her up, and it has been a minute since I checked in on her.
“I’m okay. It’s shit being over here sometimes, but I know if I went back to England, my parents would shout at me to go follow my dreams.”
“You know I’m always here if you need anything, and—”
“Ella, I know that. Anyone who knows you knows that about you.” She grabs my hand in hers. “What I need from you tonight is to make Leo feel included. I can only do so much.”
“Well, he knows Grant.” I know they’ve gone out a few times. Grant always asks me if it’s okay they hang out. It makes me laugh that he feels like he has to ask permission, but I always tell him it's fine. “But I’ll be nice. For you.”
“That’s all I ask, Ells.” She gets up from my bed and leaves my room.
The bed you fucked her brother on…
That is not what I want to think about right now, so I grab my purse and head out, only to run into Leo exiting his bedroom as well. He does a quick once-over, and my body becomes all too aware of his eyes on me, which pisses me off.
“You look…” I struggle to find a word nice enough to say what I want to say. “Clean.”
He cocks his head at me, a stupid expression on his face. “You too.”
And I’m not lying. He’s wearing black dress pants, a white button up, a tie, and his sleeves are rolled up. Why the fuck does he always do that?
I head into the living room to find Alissa standing by the door, typing something on her phone. She looks up when she hears my heels click toward her.
“Ready?”
“Let’s go,” I say as we leave the apartment.
As the three of us walk into the restaurant and I see Grant and Hads at the table, my mood is immediately lifted.
It’s not that I’m upset about all the happiness floating in the air for Paige and Oliver; I just feel weird and off for some reason.
I don’t hate being alone—that I don’t have a date to bring to things like these. I prefer it, actually. I think I’m worried the older I get, the more likely it is I’ll end up alone for the rest of my life.
I know I have time—realistically—but these feelings won’t go away. I haven't tried to date since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, and I have no urge to put myself back out there. It all seems…exhausting, if I’m being honest. I’m tired of doing the whole get to know me thing, only for it to peter out at month three or four. It’s a vicious cycle that always ends with me being by myself.
Plus, nobody can match my energy. Some people have broken up with me because I’m too loud in public, because I like to sing at random times. Some people just can’t handle how much I am.
I can’t help it if I’m an extroverted person who likes karaoke. And more often than not, the person on the other side of the table bores me to death. I need someone interesting, someone who challenges me, and I have yet to find someone like that. I don't have time to date either. If this shit with my mom blows up, I need to put all my focus on protecting my sister from her claws.
I go over to Hads as I shake myself out of those bad thoughts I don’t need to be having. Tonight is a night for celebrating my friends and an engagement—not for feeling shitty about the current state of my life.
“Hey, girl,” I say as I hug her. “Missed you.”
“I missed you too, babe.” Hads moves her gaze to Alissa. “Hi, Liss!”
Those two start to talk, and Grant and I lock eyes.
“Ells, did you know this place has karaoke tonight?” Grant asks me as he crushes me in a hug.
“I didn't.” I smile at him.
“Are you up for a duet?”
“A what?” Leo asks as he slides in next to Grant.
“Ella and I are karaoke partners.” Grant lifts his hand, and I high-five him.
“You guys do this often?” Leo asks as we all start to sit down. Paige and Oliver still aren't here yet, and I’m shocked. Normally, they're first everywhere.
“As often as we can,” Grant tells him. “It’s hard to get us all together without a few weeks' notice.”
“And all of us aren't even here…” Hads says under her breath. I don’t blame her. I was thinking the exact same thing.
“So, where the heck are Paige and Oliver?” Alissa asks as she sits next to her brother. “Those two are late to their own celebration.”
As if she summoned them, I hear Paige squeal behind us.
“I’m sorry we’re late!” Paige tells us as she comes over, her arms spread out wide, as if she’s going to try to hug all of us at once.
“It’s okay, P. It’s your celebration; you can be late,” Grant tells her. “Plus, it was probably Oliver’s fault.”
Oliver just glares at Grant. “Wow. Okay.”
“Well, it was, actually,” Paige confirms, her cheeks going all flushed.
Oh, they absolutely had sex before coming here . I feel like a proud mom right now. Paigey was finally late to something, and that’s about the only reason I’m okay with it.
“Ew, ew, ew,” Hads says, her hand on her forehead.
“Hey, if I have to hear about you and Grant, you can deal with it too,” Oliver tells his sister as he sits down next to her.
“Oh, come on, we’re all friends here.” Grant smiles.
“If friends can’t talk about sex, then what are we even doing here?” I ask them, which gets a few laughs around the table.
“Agreed,” Leo says, much to my surprise. When I look over at him, he’s smirking. “Don’t get used to hearing that from me when it comes to you.”
“I won’t, but I do wish I got to record it or something.”
He leans closer, dropping his voice to a whisper. “Going to use it to get off? You could always ask me, darling. I am right across the hall.”
I hate that my body gets hot. “I’d rather listen to screeching than hear your voice.”
“That’s not the impression I got the other night.”
Grant’s voice cuts into my ears. “Ells, we’re up next. Are you ready?”
I detach from Leo’s gaze as I turn to my friend. “Yes, I’m ready.”
After Grant and I sang the best duet of Smooth Criminal , we returned to the table, and the group of us ate dinner, chatted, laughed, and overall had a great night. We’re still here—Paige ordered dessert for the table.
I’m in no rush to leave. Tonight has been fun, and I haven't even thought about my sister and impending family troubles.
Shit . Until now.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I grab it.
Lizzie: Mom has a permanent place here. She’s going to be around more.
Lizzie: We’ve been talking on the phone. She sounds genuine, Ells. I want to give her a chance.
Lizzie: Please just think about it. That’s all I ask.
“I’m going to the ladies room,” I say to the table.
“We’ll join you,” Alissa says as Hads and Paige get up.
“Love, where are you going?” Oliver asks as he grabs her hand.
“To the bathroom.”
Oliver looks confused as Grant pats his shoulder. “Dude, you know they do this.”
“I just don't get it.”
“Me neither, mate. It feels like they’re leaving to talk shit about us all,” Leo says. It’s strange how well he fits in with the boys, and that causes me a ton of unease. I know in a couple of months, he’ll be out of the apartment and in his own space, but if he gets close with the guys, he’ll probably still be around.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
“Not all of you,” I tell them as I lock eyes with Leo. “Just you.”
I all but drag the girls to the restroom, and when we get in there and all three stalls are empty, I let out a breath.
I hear Hads lock the door, and they all turn to face me.
“What’s going on, Ells? You’ve looked weird all night,” Alissa asks me. Oh, fuck. There’s no way she knows what happened between me and Leo when she was gone, right?
“Yeah, and you didn't look as excited as you normally do when you sing with Grant,” Hads tells me. “It was still a great performance, but it was missing something.”
I dart my eyes to Paige where she leans against the counter.
“Ells, stop worrying about ruining the night if you say something.”
“I’m not. I—”
“If something is troubling you, we want to know, regardless of what we’re all doing here. You’re not stealing my thunder or whatever.” Paige grabs my hand, squeezing it once. “What’s going on?”
I didn't realize they noticed I wasn't fully myself tonight. I guess this shit is affecting me more than I thought. They must’ve seen my face when those texts came through.
No more hiding, I guess.
“My mom is back.”
All their faces drop. I’m not one to highlight all my shit, and none of them really know much about my childhood, other than the fact that my mom wasn't there.
Nobody knows how bad it actually was, how much I wish I could have had different cards dealt to me. I realized quickly as a kid I had to keep my family afloat, but that doesn't mean I liked it.
I had to do it. It only could’ve been me to fix everything, and I thought I did an okay job. But now that my mom is back and my sister wants to give her a chance, it feels unfair.
“For how long?” Hads asks.
“My sister told me last week that she contacted her.” I shake my head, trying to will the emotions I’m having to go the fuck away. This is Paige’s night. I can’t be crying about my own shit when we’re here to celebrate her.
But I need my girls. I need their comfort to try and navigate this, because I’m not doing a great job of it. For the first time ever, I need my friends to help, and it feels good finally talking about this thing hanging over my head the past week.
“She texted me tonight that she wants to give her a chance.” I look down at my hands. “Am I a horrible person for not wanting to let my mom even try with me?”
“No, you’re not,” Paige says as she hugs me.
I let her arms drape around me as a few tears start to fall. Never have I felt so conflicted. I know in my heart who my mom really is, but I can’t stop my sister from wanting something from her. I wish I could because I know in the end, both of our hearts are going to be broken again.
Hers will be because of my mom, and mine will be because I couldn't protect my sister from the feelings I know come from trusting our mother.
Paige pulls back from me, and I can only look between the three of them, unsure of what the hell I’m going to do.
“I don’t know what to do.” For the first time ever, I can’t decide if I should grin and bear it for my sister's sake, or if I should tell her how I really feel about our mother.
Either way crushes me.
“Maybe talk to Lizzie about it more, Ells. See what she wants to do, and maybe one dinner won’t kill you?” Hads says, and I know she’s trying to be helpful, but I don’t think she understands.
“Can you guys give Ella and I a minute?” Paige says to them.
“Take your time,” Hads tells us, shooting me a smile.
“I’ll get you a drink, Ells,” Alissa says, and I love her for it. She truly knows exactly what I need. I guess that’s what happens when you live with someone as long as we have.
The two of them leave the bathroom, and I’m glad there’s not a line forming outside of it. We did have the door locked, but most of the other tables have cleared out by now. The restaurant is still open for a few more hours, and the group of us are going to milk it as long as we can.
“Are you okay?” Paige asks me.
I’m not sure what to say. “Kind of.”
She takes a deep breath before speaking again. “You know, I started talking to my mom again.”
Her saying that shocks me. I knew eventually, Paige wanted to try again with her mom, but I didn't think it would be so soon. “Wow.”
“I was scared to give her another shot. When I reached out, I felt like a kid again, begging for attention from someone who didn't want to give me any.”
I understand that, in a way.
“But then she responded to me, told me she was willing to try.”
“Did you believe her?”
She nods her head. “I was weary at first. But she’s been texting me a lot and actually calling me first.”
Wow. “Did you tell her about your engagement?”
“I did. After you guys and Sadie, she was the person I called.” She smiles to herself. “She was really happy for me, and for the first time, it felt like I had a parent.”
A tear falls from my eyes. I know the feeling she’s describing. I never felt like I had any parents either. It all fell onto my shoulders since my dad was working so hard. I’m proud of him, but I still needed him. “I’m scared, Paige. What if she ends up walking away again? What if I get my hopes up, and it’s all for nothing?”
“You’re smart, Ella. You know her better than your sister does, but I think you’re nervous because you spent your entire life protecting her from the pain you felt.”
I know she’s right. That’s what’s getting me so worked up. I’m mad at Lizzie for wanting to give her a chance, but of course she would want to, considering she never saw the bad stuff. She never knew what it was like because she was so young. I shielded her, protected her because I didn't want to tell a young kid her mom left with no reason to give.
“Actions are better than words, Ells. Your mom can say she’s changed all she wants, but if there’s no action to back that up, you're right to not give her a chance. Just think about it, and if anything, do it for Lizzie. Not for you, but for her.”
“Thanks, P.”
“If you need anything, Ella, and I mean that, call me. I’m always here for you.”
“I know.”
She smiles at me, and suddenly, it feels like the sun is coming out after a rainy afternoon. I don’t know how she does it—remain positive and steady despite all she has been through.
“Now, can we go have dessert? I think we deserve a lot of ice cream and brownies tonight.”
Paige interlinks her arm with mine as I nod, and I feel a little lighter knowing I was able to talk it through with someone who understands how complicated families can get.
Even our own little found family is complicated, but I’m grateful for those still around me who can lift me up when I feel down.
Grant: Wait, guys, we forgot to talk about game night.
Paige: Whose number is that?
Unknown: Is this another group chat? How many of these do you have?
Unknown: It’s Leo.
Paige: Oh, hi!
Oliver: Grant, are you fucking serious?
Ella: -_-
Hads: Babe, I told you to text everyone separately.
Grant: This is easier.
Grant: So, game night is at our place this week. Whoever wins gets to pick the activity we do for Halloween. We’re doing it on November 1st since Halloween is on a Thursday this year.
Paige: YAY! Girls against guys this time?
Ella: Oh, I’m so down for that.
Leo: Do you guys do this often?
Oliver: Unfortunately, yes.
Grant: Sold. See you all at game night!