25. Chapter 25
25
A Sex Pact
Wednesday, November 6th
I woke up stressed.
Correction, I woke up at four this morning sweating and thinking my heart was going to explode after some sort of dream. The worst part being, I don’t remember the dream at all. All I know is I woke up, thought I was going to die, and couldn't get back to sleep.
Now, I’m at the gym, trying to work out my anxiety.
I fucking hate everything.
Fuck this. Fuck all the guilt I feel, fuck how helpless I am over here. I hate it, and nothing I do will make it go away. It lingers in my body, always sitting and waiting to attack. It hides and bides its time before I’m at a low point, and it makes me go even lower.
What if my dad dies while I’m over here? What if it’s sudden like last time, and I never get to say goodbye to him? What if he dies while both of his kids are an ocean away?
I don't think I’d be able to live with that. It doesn't feel possible. If I had to go back to England knowing my dad was no longer a living entity in the country, I don't know if I could do it.
I take the speed of the treadmill up a few beats and start sprinting, hoping the intensity of my workout will drown out the thoughts flooding my head. It’s not going to work. I know it’s not going to work, but I do it anyway.
After the most intense two-hour workout of my life, I get home, and I’m still on edge. Thankfully, I have a half-day today. I talked to Imogen about it yesterday. My dad has a consultation today with a new heart surgeon who’s going to show him an alternative way to do the surgery he needs.
My mum thought Alissa and I being on the phone for the appointment would help convince him this route is what’s best. I know we all don't want to wait for him to have another heart attack or stroke, but he’s stubborn.
I can’t imagine having my body go through something as difficult as heart surgery, but I wish he knew we don’t want to lose him way too soon. I’m nervous he’s going to hold off like he did last time. But this is a new surgeon, and maybe he can get my father to bite the bullet if we can’t.
As I slump against my door and grab my towel, I open the door, about to head to shower, when Ella opens hers.
Her bathrobe is in her hand, and she pins me with the same glare she does every morning when I beat her in here. I can’t find it in myself to care.
“Do you want to arm wrestle or something?” she asks me, dead serious.
“Just shower, Ella. I can wait.”
She pinches her brows at me. “Is this a trick? Did you do something to my shampoo?”
I shake my head, not having much fight left in me. She doesn't say a word as she walks into the bathroom, the same skeptical look on her face that’s always there when we don’t fight.
Right before she shuts the door fully, her eyes stare into mine, so many questions in her gaze. She settles on an easy one. “Are you okay?”
I don’t bother answering her before I head back into my room, shut my door, and sigh.
Today is going to suck. I can already feel it in the air. There’s a heavy weight around me, and as the day progresses, it’s only going to get worse.
As my sister and I sit down to order our lunch, a heaviness settles across my chest. I don’t know if Alissa and I are going to be able to help.
“Are you as worried about this as I am?” I ask her.
“Yes. Our father is the most stubborn man I’ve ever met.” She looks over at me. “That must be where you get it from.”
“Hilarious, sis.” But I’m not laughing.
“Leo, come on. Dad will be fine. We just have to ease him into having the surgery. He might be scared. We don’t know what he’s feeling.”
She reaches over and grabs my hand. “It doesn't make sense, Liss.” God, I need a fucking cigarette.
“What?”
“Why doesn't he want the surgery? Doesn't he know how scared we all were last time, thinking he wasn't going to make it?”
My sister only sighs. “I don't know, Leo. But we have to make sure he understands this surgery is a good thing.”
I don’t know if she and I can do that. If none of us can convince him to stay a little longer on Earth, then what can? What is it going to take to convince our father we want him to have a longer life than he will if he keeps pushing this off?
Our salads come, and I’m thankful we’re in the corner of this place, because I don’t know how this conversation is going to go. The two of us start to eat, and about twenty minutes into our meals, the phone rings.
“Are you guys there?”
“We’re here,” I tell her.
“Okay. We just got to the office. The doctor should be in soon. Say hi, William.”
“I still don’t understand why they need to be here for this,” I hear him say. My dad isn't a soft guy. He’s pretty rough around the edges, but he loves us. I think he’s sick of being carted around to appointments when he wants to live his life and go back to work.
He works for a huge business in England. He’s actually why I wanted to get my degree in marketing. My original plan was to work for his company in that department, but I quickly realized working for my father was not something I wanted to do.
And I didn't want to be stuck in England my entire life. It’s a beautiful place, but I wanted to see more, discover more.
My parents are the greatest in the world, and not only have they let Alissa and I forge our own paths in the world, but they’ve been nothing but supportive. Even after my dad had his first heart attack, he still pushed me to come back to the States despite my worries about him.
Truth be told, he hates when people dote on him. He’s stubborn, independent, and usually pretty level-headed. All this medical stuff has thrown him off his axis.
Well, not the stubbornness.
“Dad, how do you feel today?”
“Tired, but I’m fine.”
That’s all you’ll get out of him. Before either of us can say anything, the doctor comes in and starts to talk about the options. This surgery he’s proposing is less invasive, at least that’s what it sounds like. I used to be terrible with all this medical jargon, but I can follow pretty decently after all this time.
Especially after all the research I’ve done on the nights I can’t sleep. The guilt always seems to creep in late at night when I miss them. And that’s when I spiral down the rabbit hole of research to try and see if I can find something to bring to the doctors—to see if I can find something to keep my dad alive.
“How does that sound, William?”
“It still sounds like a surgery, Lorraine.”
“Well, it is,” the doctor says. “But compared to most of the other options you’ve explored, it not only has a higher rate of survival, it has better longevity. Which means at this point, you would only have to do it once, and you would be set for the rest of your life.”
“No,” is all my father says.
I look at my sister, who seems calm. We both figured this would happen, but I know both of our stomachs just dropped. I don't know why I thought he wouldn’t need our persuading to say yes to this. I guess I had a little too much hope.
I guess that’s why hope is such a dangerous emotion. When you have it and it doesn't work out, it punches you in the gut.
“Dad, why not go home with all the information and think about it?” my sister offers, shrugging her shoulders.
“Darling, I don’t want to think about it.” I hear some shuffling across the line. “I’ve heard enough. Thank you, but no.”
“Dad, come on.”
“Son, don’t. I’ve made my decision, and you need to accept I won’t have another surgery. One was plenty.”
“But it wasn't—”
He cuts me off. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” And then, the line goes dead.
“Well, that went about how I expected it to,” Alissa says as she finishes her meal. “Just give Mum a few days to talk to him about it. If anyone can get him to come around, it’s her.”
Suddenly, my food feels like rubber, and I swear, I can feel my heart practically beating out of my chest. My father is going to die without this surgery, and yet he still refuses to do it. Nothing any of us do or say can make him reconsider, so the next time he has a heart attack, he’s probably going to die.
It could happen any time, any minute, any fucking day.
“Fuck this,” I say as I get up, throw some bills down, and walk out. My sister doesn't even bother to stop me as I leave her at the table.
I get in my car and speed to the office, pissed off and angry my dad could be so reckless with his life.
I need to do something. I need a cigarette or a woman in my bed to get out all the weird fucking emotions swirling around in my head. If only I wasn't so broken, maybe I could remember how to flirt or pick up a woman somewhere.
But then an idea forms in my mind, and before I’m smart enough to push it away, it grows legs and sticks inside my brain. It won’t leave, and by the time I pull into work and head up, I know for sure I’m about to do this. I might get kicked in the balls for even proposing it, but even that would feel better than remembering my dad is about to die.
I head off the lift, greeting the receptionist like I always do, and as I pass through the office, I don’t stop for anyone.
I’ve only got one person here on my mind.
And when I turn into her office and her eyes meet mine at the sudden interruption, I set my bag down, sit in her chair, and lean forward on her desk.
“Can I help you?”
“Actually, I think we can help one another.” I smile at her.
She tilts her head at me. “How is that possible?”
I turn around and make sure I closed her door. “With a sex pact.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I must have misheard him. There’s no way he actually said the words I think he did out loud, in our office.
“A sex pact,” he repeats.
“Are you trying to get fired? Your psychotic break is sounding a lot like an HR nightmare.”
“As long as nobody finds out, and it’s not like we’re in a relationship. We wouldn’t be. We would just be two people having sex for a certain amount of time.”
I stare at him in disbelief. “You came to me with this proposition because?”
He leans forward, so much so that he reaches out and grabs a piece of my curly hair. “Because we had our slip up the other day.”
“And?” I ask, my voice a whisper compared to what it was.
“And I know you needed it as much as I did. Well, I need a distraction from some shit that’s going on, and since you’re right across the hall, it would work perfectly.”
Oh, fuck, he’s being serious. “Leo, it wouldn't work. How would we even go about this?” I hate that I’m even entertaining his idea, but I have to admit, I’m intrigued. “We hate each other.”
“All the more reason to do it. We have no strings attached, Ella. It would be easy to only do it a few times.”
“I think I’d rather—”
He scoffs at me. “Don’t fucking lie, Ella. You loved fucking me.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. It was fine. I barely even remember it.” I roll my eyes at him. The fucking audacity on this man is astounding.
He shakes his head, his curly brown hair unstyled today, so it waves around as his head moves. I hate that I can’t stop staring at it.
“You’re a terrible liar, darling.”
I get up out of my desk and start to pace. “I’m not a liar. You’re the most infuriating man I’ve ever met.”
“Keep going, Ella.”
“And you chew way too fucking loudly. You were eating granola the other day, and it sounded like you were chewing on rocks.”
He stands from the chair he was sitting in. “What else?”
“You wear way too much cologne. It always smells like you showered in it.”
“And?”
“And you assume everyone is attracted to you because of how you look.”
He steps closer to me, and suddenly, the list of things that pissed me off about Leo Zimmerman vanishes from my mind.
“Please keep going, Ella. You’re turning me on.”
“And I hate you.”
He smiles softly at me. “I hate you too, darling.” His mouth comes to my ear. “But that’s why this would work so well.”
I can’t move. I can’t breathe. All that’s flashing through my mind is the night I saw him naked in my bedroom for the first time in years. God, he’s fucking with my mind, and I can’t stand it.
His breath on my ear makes my body shiver. “Think about it tonight while you’re alone in your room, trying to get yourself off, Ella.” He steps back from me, grabs his bag, and opens the door. “Let me know by tomorrow.”
“What?” The door slams behind him. “Tomorrow?”
I have no idea what to do, and there’s only a few people who can help me figure it out.
I’m going to have to tell them tonight at book club. The only problem is, I’m going to have to tell them everything , every part of our history, so they understand why I can’t fucking figure out what to tell him.
Paige and Grant are going to freak the fuck out, and I don’t feel ready to air all our dirty laundry to my favorite people on the planet.
But I am considering it. I just need to know how much it’s going to fuck my life up before I agree.
“So, that’s it.” When I turn around and face my friends, Paige’s mouth is wide open, Hads is in disbelief, Grant is smiling wider than I’ve ever seen, and Oliver looks confused. “Please say something. I’m going fucking crazy.”
“I knew it! I knew there was a history between you two! Ever since last Halloween, it was basically confirmed.” Paige is ecstatic right now, and rightfully so. She has always been the biggest cheerleader for us—same with Grant. I’m sure those two are already thinking this is going to lead into some sort of relationship between us.
That’s exactly what’s not going to happen, because Leo and I barely tolerate each other. But a little hate sex and orgasms never hurt, did they?
“Oh, I’m so making sex pact shirts,” Grant says, and I know he’s one hundred percent serious about it.
“Grant, I swear—”
“Ella, I don't know if this is the best idea,” Hads tells me. “He sounds like he’s using you.”
“That’s the point, Hads. No strings attached, just sex. And no feelings, since we hate one another. It’s almost the perfect plan.”
“Are you complimenting him?” Paige asks, a smile on her face.
“No. I would never.”
“Well, you did that one time…” Hads tells me. “When we came over for your birthday a few years ago.”
Wow, it has been so long, I forgot about that. He did one nice thing for me at our internship, and that was it. It was a very confusing time back then—even more so than now. Not only had we had sex once, but he was still being the same old Leo he had always been. And then, he did something nice for me, and I thought maybe one day, we could be civil.
Then, he always did something that backfired. It was the weirdest case of whiplash ever.
“That was one time. He’s been horrible about five hundred times since,” I say as I slump onto the couch next to my girls. “Guys, what the hell do I do? He gave me until tomorrow, so I need to make a decision tonight.”
“Well, you guys have had sex all of two times. I say go for it and get some dick,” Grant says, and Paige and Hads start to laugh. “What?”
“You sound like us,” Hads tells him.
“Look, I’m all for supporting Ella, and she gets orgasms out of this. That’s a win-win.”
Oliver speaks up for the first time. “Yes, but she would be getting those with her roommate's brother, the guy she hates more than anyone.”
I was about to bring that up, but he beat me to it. “Thank you, Oliver. Great point.”
“No, this is not how we’re doing this.” Hads goes into the spare bedroom and comes back with a giant whiteboard. Is that where Oliver put it?
“Is that my whiteboard?” Paige asks.
“Yes,” Hads says. “My brother put it in there because you kept staying up late listening to true crime podcasts and making link charts.”
“Oliver!”
“Love, we are past that chapter of our lives, okay? And you needed to sleep at night instead of listening to those fucking things,” he tells her while running a hand down his face.
She only slumps further into the couch. “Fine.”
“Can we please get back to the matter at hand? I need help, you guys,” I beg.
“We’re making a pros and cons list,” Hads says as Grant grabs her a chair for the whiteboard to sit on. She draws a line down the middle and writes pros on one side and cons on the other. One is in red marker, one in green. “This is the best way to figure out what to do, Ells. I swear, we’ll figure this out.”
Leave it to Hads to make some sort of chart to help me figure this out. I truly don't deserve my friends.
“Okay, who has something for either side?” she asks as she turns to four of us.
“I feel like it being Leo is a con,” Oliver tells her, and I nod in agreement.
“It’s definitely not a pro,” I say to the room.
“The sex is a pro, right?” Paige asks, and I nod.
“Unfortunately,” I say. I’m not going to ever admit out loud that Leo Zimmerman is the best sex I’ve ever had, but he is. It’s why I’m even considering this. He not only knows what drives me crazy, but since we hate each other, the sex is fucking phenomenal.
“Orgasms are always a pro,” Grant says, and I see Oliver gag.
“If someone at work finds out, we could get fired,” I tell them. “That’s a con.”
“But you’re not in a relationship, so why does it matter?” Hads asks me.
“We still work together, and any one of the assholes at my job would love to hold that above my head.” I wouldn't put it past any of them, especially Brody and Brad. They’ll probably sell me out to Imogen and pat Leo on the back.
Oh, the infamous double standards.
“Would him being Alissa’s brother be a pro or a con?” Paige asks the room.
“Con,” Hads says, and I agree.
“Lying to Alissa is not a pro. I already feel bad about lying to her now.”
“Yeah, and she almost caught you,” Grant says. “That would’ve been hilarious.”
I shake my head. “The word you’re looking for is horrifying.”
“Actually, I think Alissa would be okay with it,” Oliver says. “She said you two needed to hook up at the Halloween party while you two were fighting.”
“Yes, but she doesn't know we would be fucking. Therefore, I’d be lying to her.”
“Well, she would probably take it better than Hads did when she found out about Paige and Oliver,” Grant says, and Hads throws a marker at him. “What?”
“To be fair, I found out after Oliver had been arrested in front of me and I couldn't get ahold of my parents. I think I reacted well based on what the hell happened that day.”
“Agreed,” Paige says. “I was shocked you didn't smack me or something.”
Hads writes down another con on the board. “Well, I can’t say I didn't think about it.”
“At least it’s all good now,” Grant says.
“Agreed. Let’s never have anything like that happen again,” I say. That was a tough day for all of us. Not only was Oliver arrested and Hads pissed, but Paige almost got herself killed that night. My friends are certifiably fucking insane.
“Okay, so how many of each do we have?” I ask, wondering if this will help make my decision for me.
“Three cons and one pro.”
I throw my arms up in the air. “Well, there we go! I’m saying no tomorrow.” I only hear moans and groans come from my friends. “What?”
“Is that really the right answer?” Grant asks me.
“According to the board, yes,” I tell him.
Hads throws another marker at him. “Don’t question the chart, babe.”
“But why not sleep on it and then figure it out? Maybe a good night's sleep will help you firmly decide,” Paige says. I know she’s hoping I change my mind about this so Leo and I will somehow fall in love, which will never happen.
No matter how many times I dream about him, his stupid face, and dreamy eyes, it will never happen.
My heart is under a lock and key, and if I do end up saying yes to this ridiculous plan, Leo will never be granted access.
No matter how much I think about him every single fucking day. It’s only because he’s everywhere—work and home. And now, he’s even around my friends, since Oliver and Grant have taken a liking to him.
My feelings for Leo—however minute they are—are only because he’s fucking everywhere I turn. As soon as he moves out and I only have to deal with him at work, the sex dreams will stop, and the weird feelings I have when I see him every morning will too.
Leo Zimmerman and I will never be anything more than two people who work together.