Chapter 21Rafe
Chapter 21
Rafe
“Y ou know, you must know, that I’m attracted to you,” she said quietly. “And I think you feel the same way.”
I wanted to say that’s an understatement, but I kept quiet and smiled.
“We’ve been doing a slow dance toward acting on that attraction for the last few weeks. I want to be with you, to…to…have sex with you, but I want to be wise about it. I want us to be clear up front that this is short-term—no expectations, no strings, no…feelings. Because you’re not staying, you’re leaving. Leaving before Christmas.”
She swallowed and went on. “I also want to talk about protection and testing—how’s that for being direct? It’s just that, because of what happened with Finn’s father, I like to be very cautious and very clear.”
I wanted to know more, to know everything, but again I shut it. This was Rose’s story to tell at her own pace.
She shifted a little closer, still staring out at the waves. “It’s not that mysterious—you probably already figured out that Finn was born when I was pretty young…and that I was never married to his father. Same last name as my parents—not rocket science, right?”
She flicked me a sideways look, and I nodded.
“It’s a pretty old story,” she said quietly. “Na?ve girl goes to college, meets boy and falls for him right away, falls in love with him. And I was so sure he’d loved me.”
Rose shifted a little away from me. I stayed put, even though I wanted to follow her.
“See, I was pretty sheltered growing up. It was my first semester at the University of Oregon, my first business course, my first attention from a handsome, older man—the TA for the class.
“My first secret—from my parents, my friends, even my new roomie. My first time.”
I resisted the urge to put my arm around her, gripping the log harder instead, staring harder ahead.
“He’d used condoms, and then, at his urging, I’d sorted birth control from the campus health office. Whatever mix-up in timing or lack of effectiveness, I’d gotten pregnant. After I took the test—oh, I don’t know, like five times—I called David and left a message for him to call me. No details, just call me ASAP.”
Rose stopped and sucked in a big breath. “He must have sensed something because he ghosted me. He didn’t call back, he blocked me on his phone, he never answered his door or my emails, and my letters were returned. My roommate, Lauren—you know her, my girl Lauren—found me sitting on my bed in our dorm room, in shock, crying. She took over, thank heavens.
“We called my parents—her translating, me sobbing—and then she drove me home. This was right before the holiday break, but I was in no shape to take my finals. I walked through the front door into Mom’s arms, and Dad was right there holding us both. We cried and talked and cried some more…and decided that we were keeping the baby for our very own. I dropped out of school, moved back home…and Finn was born the following summer.
“Happiest day of my life, hands down. Best thing that’s ever happened to me. No regrets. And aside from a few judgmental types, our family, our neighbors and my girls have stepped up to help raise Finn. It takes a village and all that.”
Rose rocked back and forth on the log. “Probably more than you wanted to know. Probably not too sexy. But I wanted you to know why I’m so cautious…and why I want to be clear about what we each expect.”
I reached over and untangled her cold hands to hold them in mine, trying to rub some warmth into them. “There’s more, isn’t there?” I asked.
“Yes, a couple of things that you may be wondering about…or not. But here goes anyway. All designed to make my almost middle-aged-self more attractive to you.”
If I hadn’t been rubbing her hands, I would have grabbed her shoulders to give her a good shake for her silliness. Instead, I jammed close to her and kept at my rubbing.
“So why we didn’t go after David for child support? During the months before Finn was born, we talked it out as a family and decided we needed the peace more than the aggravation.
“However, one thing I’ve never told anyone?” Here, Rose turned her head to look me in the eye. “Not my mom, not my dad, not Lauren or the rest of my girls, and, heaven forbid, not my son. When Finn was about two, I contacted David. I tracked him online and found he was finishing up his master’s…still at Oregon. I used Mom’s cell phone so he wouldn’t recognize my number.”
She hesitated. “I guess… I guess…I just wanted to give him another chance to get to know his son. Not renew our relationship, not get married, not ask for money or other support. To get to be in the life of his own son, this wonderful boy.
“So you can guess how that went. He said horrible things, vile things—he claimed he wasn’t even sure Finn was his son. Implied I’d been a slut and had been sleeping around, when he knew, knew , that was not the case. I was so shocked, it took me a moment. I hung up on him and cried…for the last time.”
At that, I dropped her hands and pulled her to me. I tucked her under my chin and hugged her as tightly as possible. How could I not?
After a couple of minutes, I asked casually, or so it seemed to me, “Where’s this guy now?” The fucker.
Rose was onto me. She stirred and said, “Nuh-uh….that’s sweet…I think. But nuh-uh. I don’t know, and I don’t want to find out. His name is not on Finn’s birth certificate, and I’ve erased him from our lives.
“See, when Finn was old enough to start wondering why he didn’t have a daddy like the other kids, why we all had the same last name, I kept my explanation simple…and honest. I told him his dad had decided he wasn’t cut out to be a father and moved away before Finn was born. He accepted what I said without question—he already knew he was surrounded by love and by family.
“When Finn was older—high school age—I told him the whole story. Well, except for the phone call when he was two. Not for sympathy points, mind you. More so he could see the connection girls…and women…sometimes make between sex and feelings.”
Rose stopped there, pulled her hands back, and moved out of my embrace down the log. The tide was coming in, and the waves were getting louder. I had to lean down to hear what she said.
“Wow,” she breathed out. “How’s that for oversharing?”
Before I could reassure her, she went on. “So I told you all that to tell you this. Please don’t think I’ve been a hermit when it comes to sex. Sure, I didn’t see men when Finn was young because I thought it would be confusing to him. But later, I did ease into dating…and some casual connections that involved sex—always at the man’s place. Not lately, of course. However, I do have a good relationship, if you’d call it that, with Mister Vibrato.”
Whaaat? Oh. I had to smile at that. And, luckily, Rose smiled right back before going on.
“Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway because I can’t seem to stop talking, I’m cautious about using birth control now—the three-month shot— and getting tested periodically. Thank you, Rafe. Thanks for listening…and for holding me.
“Now, I’ll shut up. It’s your turn—not the oversharing bit—but your turn to talk about protection, testing, anything else you want to tell me. Or…you can tell me if you don’t want to go forward after hearing all that.”
I slid toward her and reclaimed her hands. I didn’t let her pull back this time.
“First off,” I said and dipped my head to look straight into her beautiful green eyes, “thank you , Rose, for trusting me—actually, entrusting me—with your story. I won’t tell anyone. And you’re right, I’m attracted, no, pulled to you. I want to be close to you in all the ways possible in this time we have together. In this time…with no expectations for afterward.”
She closed her eyes briefly, opened them and nodded. Holding her hand, I told her my story…although I couldn’t be as candid as she’d been. I stuck to my sexual history—she didn’t need to know about my dark years in foster care or my criminal past. Yeah, yeah, it was a long time ago, before my military service. But parts of it were…bad.
Rose deserved somebody better than me for the long haul, somebody worthy of her love, worthy of her. So, no. No expectations on my part.
I told her that I always used condoms, even if the woman said she was using birth control. I’d gotten tested regularly during my army years…and since then. She seemed to understand that I was super cautious too, based on my mamma’s experience and my unsettled life in and now out of the army.
She was right—I only trusted myself to make the decision on protection.
“Have you ever been married or in a serious relationship?” she asked.
I told her the sad truth. Well, I didn’t say sad out loud.
I shared that all my connections with women—really, hookups—had been random and short-term. Probably related to why I hadn’t moved on to that trust part of not using a condom.
Since retiring from the army, I’d been intent on operating in the moment, being responsible for nobody but myself, doing the roaming coffee roaster thing. Sometimes I’d meet women at the café or a local bar wherever I was working, and we’d get together on a casual basis.
“Oh. Kinda like us.” Rose looked away and got real quiet.
I cupped her cheek gently and turned her face back to me. “No, not like us. No one’s like you, Rose.”
“But for the short-term…like we’ve agreed, right?” she pointed out. “No expectations, right?”
My lips tightened in a line, and I nodded slowly.
Rose fell asleep on the drive back from the beach, her head slumped against the passenger window, arms wrapped tight around her middle. Princess and Pirate were subdued, sensitive, as dogs often were, to the atmosphere around them.
When we got home, I was able to rouse Rose enough so she could walk into the house on her own—with my arm around her…for safety. I guided her to the couch so that I could go back out to get the dogs, both making a racket about being left behind. After wrangling them to the backyard to wash the sand off their paws and coats—and hoping Rose had a good vacuum to suck that shit up—I fed them their supper.
After coming in the back door—grr…she’d left it unlocked…again—I stopped in the utility room to unload my pockets of the dog toys and Rose’s treasures and place them on top of the dryer.
Nothing crushed, thank fuck.
My souvenir was still nestled in my beanie. I stowed it back in my pocket for later.
I figured Rose would be awake by now so we could see about getting our supper. But she was still sleeping, curled up on her side, arms crossed and hugging her shoulders tight.
My woman— I could say that to myself, right? —was dog-tired. Beach walking will do that. Covering hard ground too.
I debated whether to rouse her again. It was mid-evening by this time, and she was opening the Chocolate Lab at six tomorrow morning.
Decision made, I walked around the house, locking doors, checking windows, turning off lights. The dogs followed my every step. I arrived back at the couch and squatted down beside Rose, gently brushing the hair out of her face.
“Time for bed.” No answer.
“Rose, I want to carry you up to bed. Is that okay with you?”
That got a mumble…one I took to be in the affirmative.
I slipped my arms under her knees and shoulders and lifted her up, tilting her so her arms and head tucked close to my chest. Stepping around the couch, I headed up the stairs, Princess and Pirate dogging my heels. At the top, I made an educated guess and turned left down the hall into the biggest bedroom. The dogs pushed past me and settled on a huge bagel bed in the corner.
I laid Rose down on the side of the bed with the head-indented pillow. I was able to pull off her jacket but figured she could sleep in her clothes—that was a step too far for me. She could also miss brushing her teeth for one night. I hated to leave her bare feet in those sandy sneakers though. Thankfully, I spied her slippers by the nightstand and bent down to pick them up.
That was when I saw the bat under her bed. The. Fucking. Bat. Still there.
Grabbing her slippers with one hand, I stood and pinched the bridge of my nose.
She’s going to be so pissed at me.
Another decision made, I carefully eased off her shoes, catching as much sand as possible, and replaced them with her slippers.
Maybe the sand all over her sheets will distract her—right?
Rose turned on her side, still not waking, and I pulled the covers up to tuck them securely around her neck.
I walked into the bathroom, easing the door shut, and turned on the light. It was pretty easy to knock off the sand into the wastebasket and put the shoes aside to be cleaned later.
I stood in front of the mirror for a moment, staring past her rows of Post-it Notes.
What are you doing, man?
I had no ready answer, so I brushed my teeth with a little stolen toothpaste on my finger and took care of business.
Back in the bedroom, I set an alarm for five thirty and laid my phone on the nightstand. I shucked off everything except my T-shirt and boxer briefs and climbed under the covers. Pulling Rose’s back flush to my chest, I wrapped one arm around her middle and bent the other to pillow her head.
I held my breath when she stirred. Then she settled, backing closer, and we fell asleep.