Chapter 36Rose
Chapter 36
Rose
I slipped in the side door of the roastery, locking it behind me. Rafe stared, blank-faced, from his post by the roaster while I walked across to the hallway door and locked that one too.
Turning, I leaned back and took a big breath. I was trying to be calm, cool and collected…and failing miserably. My heart was thumping, my throat was dry, and my legs were shaking. I considered fanning my face but kept my hand glued to my side.
I’d called this meeting, even practiced my opening lines in the bathroom mirror. Yet here I was…stuck. The woman who could—and did—chat nonstop to anyone about anything at any time was stuck when it came to the most important conversation of her life.
It isn’t like I’m going to let loose with the L word, right?
Rafe crossed his arms, biceps bulging under his tight black T-shirt. His face gave nothing away. If anything, he looked more guarded than ever. His sculpted lips pressed in a flat line. His cobalt eyes glinted under his hooded gaze. His dark brows clenched in a frown.
The only movement? His jaw flexing like he was grinding his teeth.
Gone was my intense, passionate, lingering lover of last night. Did I dream the entire thing?
When I finally got the courage to open my mouth, Rafe unfolded his arms and pushed one hand toward me.
“Wait,” he said gruffly. “This is gonna be hard enough without us facing off across the room.”
I sucked in a breath and solved my heart-thumping problem right then and there. Because my heart stopped. Well, almost. A sluggish beat later, my throat clogged up, and tears pricked the corners of my eyes.
I had to admit it, I was a crier. Happy or sad moments—when Finn was born, losing Dad so suddenly, saying goodbye to Mom. Touching moments on social media—soldiers seeing families after a long time, rescue pets realizing they’re going to their forever homes, new dads cuddling their babies. Also, when I was tired or scared or laughing out of control. And sometimes, I cried walking around in the rain, when I could let it all out.
However, this was a first for frustrated…no…was that angry crying?
I needed to get a grip. I needed to get control of myself if I had any hope of telling Rafe what was in my heart—and finding out what was in his. I blinked my tears back—fast.
“You’re right,” I agreed. “I locked the doors so we wouldn’t be interrupted…or so one of us couldn’t escape.”
Rafe said zip, zilch, nada. So much for humor to lighten the situation.
“Let’s sit at the cupping table. Side by side-ish. It’s kinda neutral territory—right?”
Okay. I was rethinking the whole “roastery meet-up” thing right now. What with our history in this place—the rough feel of the burlap bean bags on my rear, the smooth coolness of the round oak table on my back.
Rafe seemed unaffected by these memories as he took a seat—two stools around from mine—at the table. Still, he wasn’t categorically opposite from my seat—he was just barely out of reach. Thank heavens for small favors.
I clasped my hands and held on for dear life, my knuckles whitening. Why is this so hard? It’s not like you’re telling the guy you love him…yet.
Taking a big breath, I raised my head and met him stare for stare. “I’ll go first. I know we started out with the idea of acting on our attraction for each other—nothing more.”
I swallowed and gripped my hands even harder. “Now I’ve come to realize I do want to see if there is something more . Something more between us than the obvious physical push-pull.”
Rafe shifted like he was going to interrupt. This time, I held up my hand in the universal “stop” motion.
“Let me get through this. Please.”
He stilled, and I went on. “This fall, only two months really, was not enough to find out what we could have together. And I’ve been a mess, what with Mom’s loss, Finn off to college and all my worries about the café going under.”
“What? Wait…that last part—” he tried to cut in, but I headed him off.
“I’d like more time to get to know you, and for you to get to know me.” I was speeding up, getting to my big finish…aaand Rafe was shaking his head.
“So here’s what I want to ask you. Could you, would you, come back to Portland after your Boise job ends?”
He was still shaking his head. I rushed on, “ Not to pick up where we left off. Not for you to live in my apartment…or stay in my house. Not even for you to keep working at the Chocolate Lab if you don’t want to. I’m sure Pete could connect you with another roastery nearby.”
My rehearsed pitch was going faster and faster. “Come back to give us more time together under what passes for normal. To give us a chance to explore where any feelings might lead us.”
I stopped abruptly, tears threatening once more. At least he’d heard me out. Although the whole head-shaking thing was the shih tzu.
Looking away from me, Rafe crossed his arms again. He grumbled, “Rose…”
Of course, the hall door chose that time to rattle.
Mateo muttered, “Why is this locked?” Louder, “Hey, Rafe, have you seen Rose?”
We both shouted, “Not now!”
Mateo stopped trying the door handle and, to his credit, didn’t say a word more. His footsteps got fainter as he headed back down the hall.
Rafe picked up where he’d left off. “Rose, I’m not sure I’m the right man for a woman like you. I’m not the kind of man you think I am.”
“Oh. Okay.” My stomach sank. “This is the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.”
“Uh-uh. I mean my early years were fucking sketchy. Not sure I’m a good fit for you for the long haul.”
“Why? Help me understand.” It was supposed to be his turn, but I couldn’t help myself. “Is it because your mom wasn’t married? Because you were in foster care? Because you didn’t have money?”
He nailed me with a glare. “Nope. Different reasons. I fell in with the wrong crowd in Oakland, a youth gang. Bad people, Rose. Trust me—nobody I’d want you around.”
“That’s like…what? Twenty, twenty-five years ago?” I protested. “You were Finn’s age, even younger—right? That’s not who you are now.”
“You don’t know that. I was outta control, had a hard time keeping my temper. I was good with my fists, fighting other gangs, fighting underground for cash. I lived for the thrill of illegal racing, boosting cars for chop shops. I never got caught, never got sent to juvie.”
“What made you stop? Going into the army?”
“I beat the shit out of some low-life who surprised me and my crew on a boost,” Rafe gritted out. “He tried to knife one of the younger kids, and I got in the way—that’s where I got this thing.” He rubbed the scar along his jawline for a moment.
“We fought, and I damn near ended him. One of my boys pulled me off, and we got outta there.”
I kept quiet and still, for once.
I hadn’t seen this…this confession coming. What did I feel about it? I needed time to think. Could I get my head around the…the…violence? So foreign to me. But this was Rafe.
“I almost killed the guy,” he stated again flatly. “Sure, I was protecting my crew. But I knew, I knew that wasn’t what my mamma would’ve wanted for me. It felt like I’d failed her. Again.
“I’d hung in there until graduation—my latest foster mom had made sure in order to get her last dime—and I’d just turned eighteen. I met with a recruiter right away and started the enlistment process.”
Rafe slammed both hands down on the table and pushed himself up. “Look, Rose. You deserve a better man, a man who can protect you, who won’t let you down. I’m not that man.”
I stumbled to my feet to face him. “So that’s it? This is the first I’ve heard about your time before the army, and you’ve already made up your mind? Without talking to me, without asking me?”
He stepped back, and I followed, jabbing two fingers in the center of his chest.
“It looks like you don’t trust me to make the right decision—to let you go—so you made the decision for me. You had to do it because my judgment was so…so…crap before.”
Angry tears welled out and down my cheeks. I wiped my face with my fingers and paced away. And swung around. Oh, no, it can’t be.
“Or…or…worse yet, you don’t have enough faith in me to figure this out together. Yes, part of me is shocked about your past. No, I’ve never been around fighting or gangs or stealing or…or…bloodshed before. But I’ve had my share of bad times in my own past, what with David abandoning me and Brent leaving me at the altar.”
He surged forward again, clenching his fists. “Brent? Who the fuck is Brent? What did he do to you?”
Trying to control my crying, I bit the last part out, “Yeah, we’re quite the pair. I didn’t trust you enough to tell you about Brent because I was afraid you’d see me as a fool. Again. And you didn’t trust me enough to share your past because you were afraid I wouldn’t make the right decision and let you go.”
Rafe grimaced and started to reach for me. I batted his hands away and dodged around him to the side door.
“I’m going back home to wash up before my shift. I don’t want to see you out in the café, and I don’t want to see you in the house before you leave tomorrow morning.” I tried to suck it up. “Give Princess a hug from me.” I choked on a sob and ran out the door.