Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
SYDNEY
“Sorry I’m late,” I rush out, bursting through Livvy’s front door so fast that I’m surprised it doesn’t come right off the hinges.
“I worked at the shelter this morning, and Angus wasn’t feeling well, so I cuddled him until he fell asleep.
Did I miss anything?” I kick off my shoes, not even bothering to put them in the coat closet before I run to the living room and launch myself onto the couch.
“Ummm, like…the football game?” my sister asks from her spot next to Stella, her brows pulling tight with confusion before she points to the television on the wall.
“Because that’s why we’re here, remember?
” Bailey and Fin look equally as perplexed, both of their gazes bouncing back and forth between us.
I scoff, breathing a sigh of relief when I see that they haven’t even done the coin toss yet.
I was about two minutes away from saying fuck it and kidnapping Angus for the day, but he eventually tuckered out after playing for way longer than any senior dog should.
“Of course, I remember. We do it every time they’re on the road. ”
“We do,” Liv agrees. “But you’re late every time, and I’ve never seen you give a shit. You don’t even like football. I was convinced you only came for the snacks.”
Oh. Whoops.
“Oh,” I say on a nervous laugh, waving my hand noncommittally. “I just figured that since I’ve been working closer with the team, I should pay better attention.”
Livvy is extremely observant, although I’m pretty sure the lapse in judgment when I came in here like the Renegades number one die-hard fan would raise red flags for anyone who knows me.
I guess I let my excitement get the best of me when I should be doing everything in my power to act natural, so she doesn’t catch on.
But I’m not used to lying to my sister, and apparently, I’m not very good at it.
She eyes me skeptically. I do my best to stay cool, but on the inside, I’m freaking out.
This girl has been my best friend since the day I was born.
There’s only one thing in this world that she doesn’t know about me, and even that has been difficult to keep to myself.
I guess I just didn’t want her to find out about my kink club membership and think differently of me.
I have casual sex—often with complete strangers—who ask me to do the most depraved things to them.
I get off on the control, and unless you understand the lifestyle, that can be confusing.
“Okaaaaaay,” she replies, drawing out the word.
She looks like she has more to say, but thankfully, we’re interrupted as the announcer appears on the screen and captures her attention.
She listens intently as he goes on about last week’s game, and how the Renegades are looking like an early favorite for the playoffs.
Obviously, anything can happen, but I can’t say I’m not proud that Steele is one of the reasons for their hype.
He’s definitely been putting in the extra work, not only on the field, but off it.
I breathe a sigh of relief, sitting back into the plush cushions.
I know I can’t continue this charade forever.
I have to tell her. As far as me developing feelings—albeit confusing ones that I still don’t really understand yet—I think she’d be an ally in that regard.
After all, she fell in love with Maddox while she was secretly coaching him behind our dad’s back.
She knows what it’s like to hide a relationship, and I could really use a shoulder to lean on while I try to figure out what the future looks like.
The morning after the charity ball, I woke up happier and more satisfied than I had in a long time.
Feeling his warmth against me as I drifted to awareness was definitely new, but there wasn’t a single part of it that I didn’t like.
In the past, I’ve wanted to bolt from the room as soon as adequate aftercare was provided, never interested in connecting on more than a physical level with the men I was with.
That’s what made the club so appealing to me.
There was no explanation needed after a scene, and I didn’t have to feel bad about leaving, because we were all on the same page. But with Steele, it’s different.
Even that first night at the club, something in the back of my head was telling me not to run out.
Every part of me ached to break my rules, but I didn’t listen.
I thought about him nonstop for hours, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he talked shit about the people I love, I’m sure I’d have been right back there, hoping to cross paths with him again.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt, but it became entirely too strong to deny.
The broadcast goes to a commercial, and I stand up, heading toward the kitchen. With all the warring emotions going on inside me, I need a second to regroup. My excitement over seeing Steele on TV has turned into a heavy pit, my stomach churning with guilt and uncertainty.
I enter the empty space, pull myself onto one of the high-backed barstools at the island, and drop my head into my hands.
“What are you doing, Sydney?” I groan. I feel like I’m grappling for any semblance of control in my own life, and I’m failing.
When I’m with Steele, the world feels so simple.
He knows who I am, and he’s accepting and encouraging.
Even with his history of being a dom, he gave in to my desires without hesitation, no matter how unnatural it felt at first. But when it comes to the other people in my life, I’m afraid to disappoint them.
I just wish there was a way to make them—or at least my sister—understand.
“You okay?” Stella asks quietly, startling me. She presses her lips into a tight line, her gaze softening with sympathy as she takes the seat next to mine. Without even needing her to ask, I unload the thoughts that are plaguing me because I feel like I might explode if I don’t.
“I like him, Stell,” I whisper, my eyes welling with tears of frustration. “I like a boy who makes me feel things I’ve never experienced, and I can’t even share it with my best friend.”
She lays a comforting hand on my knee, peeking toward the living room to make sure nobody’s coming before she speaks. “Can I ask why you’re so afraid to tell your sister? She’s been right where you are with Maddox. She’d understand.”
I swallow thickly. “I know. But it seems like a dick move to let her think that I met Steele that day in our dad’s office. I could just tell her we had a one-night stand and keep the club out of it, but if she asks where we met, what am I supposed to do? Lie again?”
“I have another question,” she says. “Why do you think she wouldn’t be cool with what you do at Velvet?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug halfheartedly. “Kink isn’t always understood by outsiders.
For me, it’s a way to feel seen, heard, and respected.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but all my life, I’ve faded into the background everywhere I go.
In that room, though…I’m the one who holds all the power.
I just don’t think Liv would get it. She’d think it was reckless and unsafe. ”
Stella raises a brow, a sly grin tugging at her lips. “You haven’t talked to her about what was on that video, have you?”
“No,” I reply, my expression twisting with disgust. When Livvy and Maddox first started sneaking around, they made a sex tape, which saved to her Cloud.
Her shitbag ex-boyfriend had access to her old iPad, so he was able to pull it up, threatening to out their relationship.
Thankfully, the guys took care of it and got everything back, and now the video is safe and sound with its rightful owners.
“Something about hearing a play-by-play of what my sister and Mad Dog do in the bedroom makes me want to throw up in my lap. Call me crazy, but I could go my whole life never knowing those details.”
“Fair,” she laughs. “Well, I’ve been made privy of the contents of that video, and all I’ll say is that I think she’d understand. Talk to her, Syd. The longer you wait, the more it’ll eat away at you.”
I open my mouth to ask her what she means, but slam it shut when I hear a set of feet padding toward the kitchen.
We both turn, watching as Livvy steps through the archway, concern etched across her features.
Stella pats my knee, giving me a soft, encouraging smile before hopping off the stool and slipping back into the living room.
“What’s going on with you?” she says, approaching me like a skittish animal. “You’ve hardly been around, our text conversations seem shorter and shorter, and now you’re suddenly into football. Did I miss something?”
You missed a lot of somethings. Because I’m a chicken shit.
I know I need to come clean. Livvy is the only person in this world who’s had my back since day one, and I’m tired of pretending like this thing with Steele isn’t what it is.
At first, I thought I just had a weird attachment to him because of what we did at the club, but now that I know what it feels like to really be with him—even if it’s only been a secret, so far—I need her more than ever.
No matter what the future looks like, I can’t do any of it without her in my corner.
“I…um…” I search for the words, but come up short as she slides into the seat beside me and takes my hand in hers.
Already, I feel a million times stronger, although I have no idea how she’s going to take any of this.
I need to pull up my big girl panties, though.
It’s time to tell her what’s been going on.
“You’re right,” I croak, unable to look her in the eye. “I haven’t been around much. I’ve been spending a lot of my free time with Steele. Most of it has been work-related, but some of it hasn’t.”
She tilts her head, befuddlement evident in her eyes as they narrow. “Okay. I’m going to need you to elaborate a little. I don’t understand.”