18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Lennox

Something happened on our walk.

I’m used to being the one who freaks out over random shit, and it’s strange seeing someone else have a moment. The second the car drove slowly past us, Roxie turned as white as a ghost and started trembling. I wanted to go to her and comfort her, but I wasn’t positive I had the physical strength to actually do it. I was running on empty and only had enough energy to get back to the house. Which pissed me the fuck off. I couldn’t even walk to her to help her.

Something startled her enough to zone out. Enough to lie to me when I asked her about it.

She hustled into her room the second we made it back inside, leaving me with endless questions and a sore leg.

Since then, it’s been radio silence and hard-as-hell workouts. She’s been pushing me hard and closing herself off to any closeness we had developed.

Did we develop any closeness, or did we just find ourselves lonely and lost a couple of times, never to be spoken of again?

It’s safe to say she has my head in shambles. It’s why I’m lying wide awake a week later, in the middle of the night, contemplating bringing in help.

Me:

I need a favor.

Arlo:

Anything.

Oakley:

What’s up?

Their immediate response, even though it’s God-knows-how-late, makes my heart pound.

Me:

Can you look into someone for me?

Arlo:

Absolutely, I can run into the office now and check it out.

Me:

No, no, it can wait until tomorrow. I don’t expect you to drop everything right this second.

It warms the black hole that’s my heart that he does, though.

Oakley:

Who are we looking into? I can have Woodcroft look into things too.

Me:

Roxie.

My breath freezes in my chest. I know, I know they are there for me and, logically, asking them for help isn’t a big deal.

But it feels like one. And the betrayal that burrows deep in my soul for asking about Roxie behind her back hits hard too. She has me so fucking worried.

Oakley:

Are you sure about this?

Arlo:

We can dig deeper than the background check Ledger did, but once we do, you can’t take it back.

I sit on their words with one hundred percent certainty they are right to question me. The problem is this anxiety in my chest that won’t go away. I’ve tried subtly asking her about her life, but she’s shrugged me off at every turn.

Me:

I’m sure.

Done. Fate sealed. Hopefully, this doesn’t bite me in the ass later.

Arlo:

I’ll work on it this week and let you know when I have something.

Instant help, no questions asked of a man who has been grumpy, isolated, and just plain mean to everyone for the last few months. I don’t feel like I deserve this level of support, but I am grateful for it. Indebted, actually.

Me:

Thank you … for everything. I appreciate you looking into this for me.

Oakley:

Never thank us, man. That’s what family is for. I hate to ask, but is Roxie in immediate danger? Do we need to be on the lookout for anyone? Or is this general curiosity?

Me:

I’m not sure. Someone drove by my house last week, and she freaked. I’ve tried getting information about her past, but she isn’t budging. No one reacts like that unless something traumatic happened, and it has me worried.

Arlo:

We’ll keep an eye out on anyone out of the ordinary too. It’s good to have you back, Len.

Am I back? I sure as hell don’t feel back. I feel intrusive as hell and even more insecure. My worry for Roxie overrides any fear I have of leaning on my friends, and that is truly scary.

What is this woman doing to me?

I toss my phone onto my nightstand and roll over to punch my pillow a couple of times.

Am I blowing things out of proportion?

It’s a real possibility. I’m not sure why this woman has me all tied up in knots, but she makes me want to help her in any way I can. Currently, that means busting my ass with PT and upping my game with my general workouts.

If there’s something from Roxie’s past that’s a cause for concern, then I at least need to be able to protect her. Two laps around the driveway aren’t going to cut it.

Roxie finds me in the garage the next day, where I have a small gym setup—mostly free weights, but it works for me. Most of my workouts in the past have been hiking the trails all day, every day, but I do have a setup for when I want something different.

This last week was the first time I’ve picked up a weight since Tennison. If I think too hard about that, the memories will close in on me. I’m choosing to ignore it and only focus on getting stronger so I can protect Roxie if need be .

“My, my. What do we have here?” She grins as I drop my weights on the small rack in the corner.

“Figured it was time to put in some additional work. Help my stamina and all that.” Definitely not so that I can chase some asshole down if he comes after you or Ivy.

Her smile turns from playful to respect in a second. “That’s really amazing, Lennox. I can write up a workout plan as well if you want. Things to help target your weaker muscles from not being used for so long.”

There’s hesitation in her voice, and I loathe it. I don’t want her to walk on eggshells around me. I want that comfort we’ve had in the depths of night. The nights that we cuddled together and support each other without saying a word.

Hello, delusion, my name is Lennox.

“That would be great. I’m just doing my usual workouts and modifying where I can, so that would be super helpful.” My voice is stilted. I’m unsure of how to act with this closed-off version of Roxie.

“Great.” She smiles too big. “Can we try something new today? Well, not new, but a new location?”

“Umm, sure? Depends on where it is.”

“I want to try and push you to walk longer and thought it would be a great idea to hit up one of the easy trails in the national park. I looked at this path last night—”

“No.” My body tenses up.

“Oh, o-okay. I’ll just … figure something else out,” Roxie stutters. She freezes, doe-eyed, before shuffling back into the house. The door closes behind her before I can even explain .

If I even can explain my knee-jerk reaction. What am I supposed to say? The last two times I was in the national park landed me in the hospital?

So much for progress.

“Roxie,” I call out, hoping she’ll come to me instead of me having to walk my ass all the way to wherever she ended up, but no such luck.

Snagging one of towels by the door, I wipe my face off before heading to her room. When I get to her door, it opens abruptly.

“Oh shit.” Her hand flies up to her chest.

“Sorry.” I cringe and slam my hand on the wall, so I don’t fall at us being startled by each other. My stability may be better, but it’s still not one hundred percent. “It’s not you,” I rush out. “The last couple of times I was in the park were … not good, and I haven’t been back since.”

Weak.

Weak and alone.

I can feel the phantom knife cuts on my torso, and it takes everything in me not to scratch at them.

You killed your parents. Every time you think of me, you’ll feel my knife slicing into you. I try desperately to get Tennison’s voice out of my head.

Not now. I can’t panic now.

“That makes sense; I’m sorry I didn’t think about that. We can just do more laps around the area. It’s not a big deal at all.” Her words are all business, but her eyes are full of empathy.

For once, I don’t hate it. I don’t hate this version of pity, not when it comes from Roxie. Her worry for me means she cares. In my delusional head, that means all is not lost .

“You don’t know what you don’t know. I should have told you about that from the beginning. It makes logical sense to go to the easy trails for a change of scenery, but I just … can’t.”

I decide, in this moment, I’ll work up to going back to the park. Saying I can’t do something irritates me more than I want to admit. It’s never been my way, and I’m not sure when it became my default, but I want to remedy this way of thinking immediately. Work past this mental block and work toward being comfortable in the park again, and maybe, just maybe, I can think about being a park ranger again. That’s a long way off, I know that, but it’s a long-term goal. Something I haven’t had since I was laid up in the hospital contemplating if life was even worth living anymore.

Roxie makes me want to live again.

Ivy makes me want to do more than just live.

“No shame in that. You tell me if you ever want to try it, and I’ll be there to support you the whole time. If you don’t ever want to? That’s perfectly fine too. There’s no rule that says you have to go back there.”

Her understanding nearly breaks me, and impulse takes over. I step toward her, wrapping my arms around her. She hesitates for only a moment before I feel her arms wrap around my middle, an area that’s the cause of so much heartache. Scars, ugly and sensitive, litter the skin. But for once, I don’t flinch. I don’t even freeze up. I melt into her hug, holding her to me and pressing my nose to the crown of her head.

“Thank you,” I murmur.

“Never thank me. I’m here to help you get back up and running.”

Her words contradict her actions, breaking the spell. I release her, stepping away as my black heart cracks a little bit. I’m only a job to her. I knew the score from the get-go, yet here I am turning it into something it’s not. She must think I’m some asshole who doesn’t understand boundaries, and that’s unacceptable.

“I’m sorry; that was inappropriate. I just can’t thank you enough for the support. It means more to me than you’ll ever know,” I rasp out.

Her shoulders slump, and there’s a flash of disappointment in her eyes.

Maybe I’ve been reading her right all along? Jesus, who knows. What I do know is, if—and that’s a big if—there’s something here between us, she’ll have to make the first move. My confidence is shot, and pushing myself on her when it’s unwanted is not a road I want to go down.

“No need to apologize,” she offers quietly.

Clearing my throat, I decide to get back on topic and hopefully not dwell on my impromptu hug. “I’d like to work up to it. I don’t know if I can, but I really want it. My job was there, and if I don’t have that…” I’m scared to verbalize the fact that if I don’t have my job, what do I have? There’s nothing else in my life besides my family, and if I don’t have my job as a park ranger, I don’t know what I’m good for.

“Then we’ll work toward it with baby steps,” she says with confidence.

Finally, I feel like there may be a light at the end of this fucked-up tunnel.

The sun went down hours ago, and I still can’t find sleep. Too much is floating around my head between my future and Roxie’s past. After rolling over and carefully getting out of bed, I make my way across the living room to the opposite end of the cabin.

It takes me four minutes—I checked the clock on my phone—to raise my hand and knock on her door.

She answers it with a beautiful sleepy face. God, she’s gorgeous. When she opens the door wider to let me in without saying a word, I eagerly accept the invitation. It’s only after I climb into her bed and watch her walk to the other side that I realize she’s in a pair of panties and a tank top.

If there was ever a time to test my willpower and see just how strong I am, this is it.

But too much happened today. Too many revelations and too much fear. The effortless way she offers her support is too tempting on hard days. It’s starting to feel like the only way I get quality sleep anymore.

“Good night, Lennox,” her whispered words travel across the bed.

“Good night, Roxie.” I curl up around her and fall into a dreamless sleep.

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