Chapter 16
“What can I help with?”
My mom shoos me away. “Nothing. I’ve got it all taken care of. Why don’t you go join your dad and brother in the living room? You used to love watching football with them.”
That was before when I used to enjoy a lot of things.
I shrug and drop down into the seat at the kitchen table. “I don’t think either one of them wants to look at me right now.”
She falters for just a moment before wiping her hands on her apron and turning toward me. “Why would you say a silly thing like that?”
“Mom, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but we can’t pretend I don’t look like I went a few rounds with Connor McGregor.” I motion to my face. “And when they look at me, they look like they’re ready to launch into battle to defend my honor, but they’re frustrated because I made them promise to leave it be. They may think they’re sly, but I see the questions in their eyes. They’re wondering why I didn’t leave long before now. How I could stay with a man who abused me for years and years. I should probably just eat my dinner up in my room, so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable.”
I jump when my mom slams her clenched fist on the countertop. “Pardon my language, but that’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard, Presley Anne! Your daddy and Clayton love you. I love you. You could never make any of us uncomfortable by just being in the same room. If you see any kind of expression on our faces, it’s because when you hurt, we hurt. That’s what love is. There was a time when you knew that.”
I hang my head in disgrace, feeling the weight of her words. There was a time when I knew love inside and out. I knew how to give it and receive it. But it’s been so long since I’ve done either, I don’t think I’d even recognize it anymore. Apparently not, if I can’t read my father or brother like I used to.
“I don’t know, Mama. It just feels strange. Being back here is... confusing.”
“Confusing how?”
“Because physically, everything’s the same. It’s like a time warp or something. And all the players are the same—you, Daddy, Clayton.” There’s a pregnant pause as we both silently acknowledge the one person I intentionally left out. “But when I walk around this house, sit at this table, I feel like a stranger. I feel like my memories don’t belong to the person I am now.”
“Oh, honey, no one can take your memories from you. That’s the beauty of ‘em; they’re inside your head. And as painful as some of them might be, you never want to lose sight of them. They can warm your heart or tear it to pieces, but those experiences are what shape you. I think you just need some practice remembering the good to balance out some of the bad.”
“Wow...” I sniff. “That’s pretty deep, Mama. When did you become a philosopher?”
“It’s called being a mom, honey. You’ll learn one day.” Her face falls when I start crying. “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I take a second to collect myself. “It’s okay. It doesn’t take much these days.”
“Presley, your life isn’t over. You’re barely thirty. There’s still plenty of time to have kids if that’s something you want.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think kids are in the cards for me.”
“Why not?”
“Because... I just can’t see it anymore. It’s not like I have this biological need to procreate. I’d only want children because I’d want a family with a man I couldn’t live without. I know what great love feels like, and I don’t see that ever happening for me again. Thirty may not be old in a physical sense, but some days, Mama, I feel ninety on the inside. I feel like there’s nothing left for me in this world.”
My mom slams a hand over her mouth to cover her sob. “Oh, baby.”
I wave her off like it’s no big deal that I have nothing to live for. “It’s the hand I was dealt. My poor choices have led me to this point, so it’s my fate to accept.”
She wraps her arms around me from behind. “Presley, kids, or no kids, you have a lot of life ahead of you. And you’re allowed to make mistakes. The important thing is that you learn from them, change course accordingly, and move on. I think maybe you’ve been surviving for so long, you forgot what living feels like. Some days are going to be tough; you’ll feel like you’re nothing more than a pile of ashes. But on the days you actually get to live life to its fullest, when that fire inside of you burns bright, those are the days you have to hold on to, knowing that each new day is an opportunity for another just like it.”
“There you go, being all profound again.”
She chuckles. “My wisdom is finally catching up with these gray hairs of mine.”
I wipe the remainder of my tears away. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Anytime, sweetheart.” She punctuates her statement with a gentle squeeze.
I stand up and smooth out my shirt. “I think I’m going to go freshen up in the bathroom and join the boys after.”
A wide grin stretches across my mother’s face. “I think that’s a great idea, Pres.”