CHAPTER ONE
Katarina
Can you call yourself an orphan when you’re over thirty? Asking for a friend…
I stood by the old bur oak trees on our property line, having just scattered my father’s ashes, hugging my four sisters to me. All of them were in various states of sobbing, but not me. I couldn’t. I had to be the strong one and keep us all together. I was the oldest, so they all looked to me for guidance now Mama and Daddy were both gone. But who could I look to?
I tilted my head back, the rain tickling my face, twitching my closed eyelids. Perfect weather if you asked me. I actually loved the rain and I knew Daddy did too. Sometimes we would sit together on the porch and watch as it poured and poured, big grins on both of our faces.
Not anymore.
I swallowed the sob that tried to heave itself from my throat but it stuck, refusing to go until finally I was granted some grace and it disappeared. The pastor of our church came over and, struggling to get to me through my siblings, just nodded at me.
“If you need anything from us, y’all just holler.”
“Thank you for coming and saying a prayer, Pastor Dave,” I gritted out, trying to keep the despair from my voice and struggling to rein it the fuck in.
He nodded once more before glancing at each woman in my arms then he shook his head sadly. I fought another wave of crushing misery. He finally left, taking his pity with him and it was just us, standing in the rain that trickled through the leaves, Daddy’s ashes blending with Mama’s in the dirt. Now they’re together again.
I didn’t know what to do next, but after a half hour, self-preservation finally kicked in.
“Come on, girls. We can’t stand out here all day.” I squeezed each of them in turn and they eventually lifted their heads, and turned their heartbroken, tear-stained faces to me for guidance.
But I didn’t know what we did now. Except, maybe, eat?
“Let’s go get some food in our bellies, we’ll feel much better then.” I cringed when I realized what I’d said. My youngest sister, Tilly, frowned at me, her blonde hair plastered to her head and her green eyes so bright. “Sorry Tills, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”
Not only was Tilly the most sensitive but she was fifteen, right in the middle of all those teenage hormone changes that made everything so much worse. I tried to bear this in mind whenever I spoke to her. Her sharp, bright stare softened slightly, and she nodded before linking our arms together. She was extra clingy with me at the moment, but I didn’t mind. She was just a baby.
I turned my head towards the main house and started trudging back. We all kicked our feet in the wet grass, slipping occasionally and catching one another.
The sprawling farmhouse came into view, with its log structure and wraparound porch. We went up the porch steps and inside, the familiar scent of pine and sandalwood enveloping us.
In silence we removed our boots and lined them up on the rack by the glass double front door. The girls drifted into the kitchen, but I stayed, staring at the boots. Four sets of cowgirl boots in various colors. Daddy bought us all a pair on our sixteenth birthday, it was a rite of passage for us but now there would be no more colorful boots.
Oh God, Tilly…she won’t get any. I put my fist in my mouth, biting down hard on my knuckles to stop the sob from slipping out, even as a tear ran down my cheek at the thought of Tilly never getting hers. I made a mental note to find her a pair, I had six months until her birthday.
“Kat?”
I looked up and saw Madison standing there, her thick brows dipped in as she looked between me and the row of rainbow boots. “Oh God, Tills,” she moaned, and her lower lip wobbled.
“Maddy, I swear if you cry, I won’t keep it together. And I need to, Mads,” I croaked.
Maddy dashed her cheeks with her hands. “See, all gone, no tears.” She blinked rapidly as big fat droplets leaked down her cheeks and the ridiculousness of it all actually had me fighting a smirk. Maddy smiled softly through her tears as she saw my lips twitch. She could always make me smile; it was her gift. At twenty-nine, she was the second eldest, the closest to me in age and we’d been thick as thieves growing up. Still were.
“All better.” I shot her a watery smile.
“I’ll help get some dinner ready. Leo will be by soon, if that’s okay? Just to help out with a few things?” She twirled her honey blonde hair around her finger, not making eye contact.
“Of course that’s fine, tell Leo he can stay for dinner, we’d love to have him,” I said, watching as twin spots of pink appeared on her cheeks. Leo was her best friend, they’d been friends since they were at kindergarten together. I suspected that she’d been in love with him for a while now, not that she’d admit it. Leo was a great guy. Dependable, strong and such a rock for Maddy during this whole thing. He had been here for all of us.
Maddy nodded, gave my arm a squeeze and headed back to the kitchen. I followed, finding comfort in the familiar open-plan cottage-style design with its wide counter-tops. Wooden shelves and spice racks adorned the walls with potted herbs that dangled enticingly. The oak dining table was a battered piece that had been in the family for over thirty years and had various repairs made to it. It was one wrong dish placement from collapsing but we didn’t have the heart to get rid of it. The wooden chairs had checkered cushion covers in all different colors, and an oak sideboard held the dishes along with various family pictures and trinkets decorating the top. It was cozy and warm, a family room, and the place where we all spent most of our time.
Daisy, my twenty-five-year-old middle sister, sat at the table flicking through a magazine with August, the fourth youngest. Tilly sat at the island, picking at her nail polish while silent tears slipped down her cheeks. I couldn’t stand to see the tears, each one like a knife to my gut.
I clapped my hands together. “So, what do y’all want to eat tonight?”
It was just us; we would do the wake another time. Oh, there were plenty of folks from the town who wanted to pay their respects, but it was all so fresh right now that it felt like too much having lots of people around. It was better just the five of us, six if you counted Leo.
“Beef?” Daisy suggested.
Tilly gasped and shook her head. After working on the ranch a few times, Tilly had fallen in love with the animals and declared herself a vegan. Now the thought of eating animals, especially cute ones, was worse than death. “No beef. Trout?”
“No!” August shouted.
“How about vegetable chilli?” Maddy suggested, coming into the kitchen and looping an arm around Tilly’s shoulders. Although she had a smile on her face, her eyes were red-rimmed and her nose was pink.
Was this life now? Just one or all of us constantly crying? Grief was a motherfucker.
“Sounds good to me,” August said.
“With extra beans for you,” I said to Tilly who nodded gratefully.
I turned away and began gathering the ingredients. Maddy started chopping vegetables next to me. Silence reigned in the kitchen, and it was awkward and horrible, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
Luckily, there was Leo.
“Hot damn, it’s wet out there!” His voice echoed around the house as he entered the kitchen, soaking wet, his white shirt plastered to his incredibly muscular chest. I watched the way Maddy’s eyes lingered over it and smirked to myself. Oh, she’s very interested in her best friend.
“Leo!” Tilly yelled and ran, throwing herself at him and sobbed a little.
“Are you that upset to see me?” he teased. If anyone else entered the house the way he did and made the comments he said, they would be getting shown the door, but Leo had been around us all so long that he was like a brother.
“Leo,” Maddy tsked.
“What, tough girl? You should be used to this by now.” He winked at Maddy.
“I never get used to you,” she murmured. I cocked an eyebrow at her, and she clapped a hand over her mouth and turned back to her chopping, blushing furiously.
Leo came over and kissed her cheek, Tilly still clinging to him. He dipped a finger into the sauce I was making, swiping a taste. His mouth pulled down and his eyebrows worked overtime before he turned to me and made a face. “Delicious as always,” he joked, shuddering.
I laughed despite the misery of the day. “Get outta here.” I nudged him, and he chuckled before squeezing my arm and heading over to August.
“What are you reading at the moment in book club, Augs?” he asked.
“ Pride and Prejudice ,” August replied.
He rolled his eyes theatrically. “That was so last year, it’s all about Emma now, catch up.”
She snorted at him. “Says the man who prefers Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Darcy.”
Leo pshed. “Hey, he did a good job, better than wooden Colin. The hand flex is iconic.”
“Colin Firth’s wet shirt is iconic!” August argued back. They continued their debate, and he managed to play and win a round of rock, paper, scissors with Daisy at the same time and the atmosphere felt lighter than it had in days.
“Lock him down, Maddy, before a buckle bunny does. I’m begging you,” I said out the corner of my mouth.
She had the gall to look shocked again. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
She flicked her hazel eyes over to him, her lips quirking up in a smirk before she looked sad. “He’s not interested,” she replied.
“Do I need to have a word with him?”
Horror filled Maddy’s expression. “God, no! You don’t have to do everything Daddy would do.”
I laughed at the thought of my father having a stern conversation with Leo, whom he loved like a son and let get away with all kinds of mischief. “Daddy wouldn’t have said shit to Leo.”
Maddy snorted. “You’re right about that.”
We continued cooking, watching as the dreary day finally gave up and let the night take over, the rain continuing to pour. August set the table and Daisy got the dishes ready. Tilly made everyone drinks while Leo washed up. Then we were all seated, looking towards the empty chair at the head of the table where Daddy would have been.
Leo cleared his throat and lifted his water glass. “To Charlie.” He was the only one who would have been able to say the words, I just knew it.
We all raised our glasses. “To Daddy,” we chorused. Tilly promptly burst into tears and Leo pulled her into a fierce hug and reached across the table for Maddy’s hand. I hugged August next to me and she in turn gripped onto Daisy. When Leo raised his head there were tears in his eyes too and I felt guilty at how much we had relied on him lately when he was also grieving.
After a moment, we began eating and eventually chatter resumed. After dinner, Leo and the girls retired to the living room to watch a movie together and I excused myself to the porch with a glass of wine.
I opened the front door. As the sound of the rain intensified, peace washed over me. I inhaled the distinctive scent and listened to the patter of it on the wood. I turned and headed over to the old Adirondack chairs we had and settled down, leaning back and tucking my feet up under me.
And then I felt him sit down next to me with a deep sigh like he used to. When I looked over, the chair remained empty but I knew he was there.
“Oh Daddy, you’ve done it now, ain’t ya,” I sighed before I finally released the sob that I’d been holding back for hours. Hell, I’d been keeping it in for weeks now. “How could you leave us all alone?”
I pressed my tongue into my top lip as the tears scalded my cheeks. “I know you didn’t have a choice. I bet you fought every step of the way, didn’t you? At least you’re with Mama now; reunited finally and you get to watch over us all.”
There was no reply though I don’t know what I’d been expecting exactly. Just some words of comfort, some reassurance, something.
The rain continued and I took that as a sign he was still here.
“Just promise me you won’t stop hanging around us. Don’t stop guiding us. You always knew what to do and I have no clue what we do now. I’m winging it, Daddy. Flying by the seat of my pants, which isn’t good for any of us. So don’t be afraid to send me signs, put me on the right path. But don’t jump out at me, you know I hate that ghost shit,” I joked weakly.
I sat there for hours, sipping my wine, listening to the rain and just being alone in my grief and thoughts. I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone until I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up into Leo’s warm brown eyes.
“You need anything, Kat?”
I covered his hand with mine. “No Leo, you’ve done more than enough.”
He nodded. “Alrighty then, I’ll be back in the morning. Just holler if you need me before then.”
“Are you sure you don’t wanna stay the night? I hate the thought of you heading home in the rain.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes darting back towards the house. “Nah, I think it’s best I go home. I’ll see you in the morning though,” he said and with a wave, he was running off the porch and heading over to his car which was parked next to my truck.
I sat for a moment longer before I got to my feet, my bones aching like I was sixty instead of thirty. I locked up the front door, turned out the lights and checked that none of the girls were still downstairs. They’d all gone to their rooms. Was it weird that we all still lived at home? I couldn’t tell. We had all moved out at some point but ended up back at the ranch and then just settled again.
What did I do now? Did we stay? Did we sell up? My gut clenched at the thought of selling this place where we’d all grown up, where we had all the memories of our parents. I shook my head and decided these thoughts were gonna be no good when I’d had wine and was grieving.
I took myself off to bed. My room was the biggest with an adjoining bathroom. The wide wooden window sat low on the wall and looked out over the front of the ranch. I had a baby blue and white patchwork loveseat under the window where I usually found August sitting and reading; she said it was the perfect view even though she was only looking at her book.
My king-size bed called to me and I changed into pajamas and collapsed into it, sinking into a deep sleep almost immediately. I woke with a start a few hours after I drifted off. My eyes scanned the darkness but I couldn’t see anything.
“It’s the wine,” I groaned, burying my head in my hands. I scrubbed my face then got up, opened the drapes and cracked my window a little so I could listen to the rain as I drifted off again and it felt like my Daddy was right there, watching over me.