BUT INSIDE I WAS FUCKING DYING
My fingertips danced along Sawyer's scalp. They spun circles into her chestnut curls, creating seamless traces along the way, but I wrote notes of how much I loved her, hoping she could tell. As her snores played melodies, and she slept peacefully, my eyes burned because I still couldn't fall asleep. I didn't want to miss the look of relaxation on her face and how she looked at peace.
A breeze drifted through the open window – it smelled like bonfire and the end of fall. Sawyer told me the sound of swaying trees and rain reminded her of the first time she stayed in my room.
She begged me to open the window one time, and ever since, it's been cracked. Now, whenever she comes into my room, she never has to ask. So, she never has to worry about migraines and getting too hot in the middle of the night. Not when her body is pressed tightly against mine or when she's moaning my name and writhing below me.
When she moves, she'll have no one. And I'll have to spend every second of every day wondering if she's safe. There's nothing that'd get in my way of traveling across this fucking country to make sure she was okay. To make sure there wasn't a fucking hair on her head that'd been harmed.
But how long would she be in New York before she started making friends? How much longer until one of those friends caught her attention and she fell in love?
She'd stop finding reasons to love me, and I think that's why my mom left. She couldn't find a reason to stick around anymore, as if I didn't have any growing up to do. I still tripped over my own feet and got a little messy during dinner.
When she left, did she consider taking me? Or was I a mistake? I don't mean two drunken strangers hooking up. I mean two parents planning for a child, and giving birth, only to realize he wasn't as perfect as they dreamed of.
I spent my whole life hoping she'd return. After hearing about her new sons, I spent every day studying. I started getting scholarships. I thought she'd be there to congratulate me, but the stands were empty, and no one cheered for my name when they called it.
I hoped turning to basketball would give me an outlet. I thought if I played basketball, she'd come to see me. It was her favorite sport. She played in high school. When I led my team to the championship, she wasn't there. So, I stepped off the court, and I never touched a basketball again.
Then I spent my first years in college, making a name for myself. I became everything my mom hated – an alcoholic. She hated men who couldn't commit even more. So, I slept with anyone who wanted me, and I left them like my mom left me – without an explanation.
Her new kids are law majors. I'm the leading tight end in the country, according to ESPN. She walked out of my life. So, I promised myself she'd hear my name for the rest of hers.
"Carter."
I looked down, finding Sawyer's eyes on me. "Are you okay?"
She blinked a few times. "Why are you still awake?"
"I can't sleep," I let out a heavy breath. "Don't worry, though. Go back to sleep, okay?"
"That's not how this works," she pressed a kiss to my chest. "You've stayed up with me. I'll stay up with you. What's wrong?"
I felt the creases between my eyebrows deepen. "Nothing."
Her fingers brushed my face. "Don't lie to me. I can tell by your eyes. So, talk to me."
The moment her body shifted, and she sat up, I sighed. "Sawyer, go back to bed, please."
"Not until you tell me what's going on."
"I love you," I said, brushing the curls away from her face.
She leaned down, connecting her lips with mine. "I love you, Carter, but please, talk to me."
"I don't want to talk right now," I cupped the side of her face. "Just kiss me."
I tugged on her wrist until she fell flat against my chest. Just as she started pulling away, I positioned her on my lap. The gasp leaving her lips tells me she feels the effect she has on me. Her staccato breaths say she loves how I rock her hips back and forth.
I tried keeping her lips pressed to mine, but a shaky moan fell from her lips, and now she's looking at me with wide eyes.
"I want you," her breath fanned across my lips.
"Sawyer. I don't think that's a good idea," my hands fell away from her hips.
"What?" A frown settled on her face. "Why?"
"It's late and – "
I didn't want to push her. I wanted to keep things slow until she was sure this is what she wanted. The more I explained, the more distance she put between us. Just as she started crawling off my body, something clicked, and I realized the insecurities filling her features.
"Wait," I tried grabbing her, but she moved off the bed before I could.
"I get it," she sniffled. "Seriously. I do."
"Sawyer – "
"Everything was out of pity, wasn't it?" She grabbed the towel from the floor. "Instead of telling me the truth, you distracted me and left me to believe you weren't gonna be like everyone else."
"What are you talking about?"
"If you aren't attracted to me – "
What the fuck? I couldn't hear another word she said because I'm too busy trying to put the pieces together. Just as she turned around, I saw the scars on her back, and before she made it out the door, I was there, slamming it shut.
A whimper left her lips as I spun her to look at me. "You think I'm not attracted to you?"
I placed her hand over the bulge growing in my pants. "Does this feel like I'm not attracted to you, Sawyer?"
"Then why are you denying me?"
I looked into her brown eyes, noticing the fear of rejection. "Because you're not sure – "
"Don't tell me I'm not thinking clearly! I love you, and I want you, Carter," she snaps. "Do you think I haven't thought this through? I knew you were the person I'd choose to give myself to. So, stop thinking I'm not ready. Stop pushing me away. Just kiss me, please."
My hands dropped to the back of her thighs, effortlessly lifting her into the air, so her body was positioned against the door.
"Promise me," I pleaded. "Promise me you're sure."
Her forehead fell against mine. "I promise."
A whimper slipped through her lips as I connected our mouths. I felt desperate. Ravenous. I carried her to the bed, tossing her back on the mattress. And I stood there for a second, admiring the girl who lay naked before me.
"You're delusional," I whispered. "I don't know why you'd think you're anything less than ravishing."
She watched as I dropped my shorts, but she didn't stay far for too long. She met me at the end of the bed, desperate to help me. For a second, I watched her with adoration, knowing I made her feel safe enough to feel comfortable.
"You're so beautiful," I brushed my fingers across her lips. "So fucking devastating."
"I love you," she said, dragging me down toward her.
My lips pressed to her forehead. "I love you. Now are you sure this is what you want?"
"Yes," her eyes searched mine. "I want you."
I reached into my bedside table, finding a condom beneath the laptop stored away for safekeeping. But just as I brought it to my teeth, she stopped me from continuing.
"I'm on birth control."
"What?"
"I want to feel you," she pleaded. "Just you."
Her breathing accelerated as I connected our lips. "Whatever you want, sweetheart."
I grabbed the head of my cock, my teeth clenching at the way she soaked the tip. As I spread her apart, my eyes looked up to find her watching. My hips moved forward, allowing her to feel me before I positioned myself at her entrance.
Her eyes were on mine as I started sliding in, feeding her inch by inch until she was withering. My hips drew back slightly before thrusting forward. The cry that escaped her mouth almost did me in, but her hands were on my forearms, begging me to stay.
"Talk to me," I begged. "Are you okay?"
Her teeth released her bottom lip. "Yes."
With a firm grasp on her hips, I pulled back and thrust forward. Her body rippled with every touch. The emotions washing over me were almost too much, but when her lips connected with mine, I felt grounded.
The woman I love is kissing me. We're closer than we've ever been, and I can't help but wish we'd never have to be further apart than we are right now.
"Stay with me," I broke away from her kiss. "Don't go."
But she gripped my face. "I'm right here, Carter."
I wanted to stop and ask her to say no to New York, but her nails collided with my back, and my name left her lips.
With every thrust, her body shuddered. I continued driving into her until I felt my own release, but I was left with emptiness, even after being inside the woman I loved.
"Are you okay?" Her eyebrows furrowed.
I pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I should be asking you that question."
"Of course," she hummed. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I'm just making sure," I pulled out of her, earning whimpers. "Please, stay here with me?"
"I didn't plan on leaving," she placed her hand over mine. "I'll stay along as long as you want me to."
I could've made it more clearer than that, but she said she'd stay, even if it meant for the night. I couldn't find it in myself to bring up New York, so I gathered her in my arms when she came back from the bathroom, and I pretended to be fine when her body snuggled against mine.
But inside I was fucking dying.