Chapter 9
Levi
I shouldn’t have paused and looked back as Phoenix entered the room, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t see much…only enough to leave me with more questions than answers.
Pink paint on the walls.
What looked like a tree with all sorts of different colored leaves stenciled on the wall.
A huge stuffed polar bear in the corner.
That was it…but it was enough. Not to mention the fact that Phoenix had looked at the door before he’d opened it like it was the gate to hell.
I walked down to the end of the hallway.
The door to Phoenix’s room was already open, so I was able to walk in without having to shift Henry’s weight and disturb his sleep.
I was still reeling from the near miss this morning.
I was sure my heart had stopped in the moment I’d seen the baby sitting out on that fire escape.
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes as I relived the moment.
Henry was the only reason I was still here.
There’d been so many times after I’d gotten out of prison that I’d been tempted to take the entire bottle of sleeping pills my mother had left behind years earlier, but the second I’d learned that Dina was pregnant with my nephew, I’d flushed the pills down the toilet.
And as hard as things had been in the year since Dina had shown up on our doorstep, every extra hour I’d had to work, every beating I’d had to endure after I’d been forced to keep living with my father so I could give Dina the money I’d been saving up for my own place had been worth it, because I’d instantly fallen in love with the little boy who’d looked up at me with innocent, trusting eyes.
He’d needed me, though I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t the one who’d ended up needing him even more.
I looked around Phoenix’s room and was immediately drawn to the far side of it where there was a set of double doors leading to a balcony that overlooked the water. I noticed just one patio chair sitting on the balcony and wondered perversely if it meant Phoenix was single.
Not that it mattered. Despite having spent more time with him than I’d ever spent with anyone outside of my immediate family, Henry and my cellmate, Hank, I knew what we were…and weren’t.
We absolutely hadn’t been on dates. I’d reminded myself of that repeatedly every morning as I’d walked out of the grocery store that first morning to see Phoenix waiting for me.
And not just sitting in the car either.
No, he’d actually been leaning against the passenger side of the SUV so that he could open the door for me.
Every time I saw him like that, I remembered one of the many movies I’d watched as a kid – chick flicks my brother had called them.
I’d fallen head over heels for the guy in Sixteen Candles as he’d leaned against his red Porsche waiting for Molly Ringwald’s character to come out of the church.
I’d watched that moment over and over, dreaming the gorgeous Jake was waiting for me , opening that car door for me , stealing me away from the world.
I wasn’t foolish enough to think I’d found my very own Jake, but I’d let myself pretend for the few seconds that it took for me to reach him that he was there for the same reason Jake had been there for Samantha.
Because he wanted to be with me.
But I knew the real reason. Phoenix was like Jake in a lot of ways – he was good, decent, honorable and protective. He was the hero of the story, but I was just the villain pretending to be someone else.
Guys like Phoenix didn’t want guys like me. Even if by some miracle I could undo that night seven years ago, I still wouldn’t measure up. Phoenix had seen proof of that today.
Twice.
First with the humiliating turn of events as I’d tried to figure out something as simple as calculating a tip, a task most people could do in seconds. And second, with my father’s outburst. I automatically glanced down at my arm to make sure my sleeve was still fully pulled down.
A commotion behind me had me turning around.
I briefly took in the rest of Phoenix’s room which was spacious and decorated with neutral shades of beige and cream.
I watched the object of my quickly-growing obsession enter with a twin mattress which he laid on the floor next to the bed.
The mattress already had a purple sheet covered in rainbows on it.
“I figure we can put some pillows around him to keep him from rolling off. Will that work?” Phoenix asked.
I nodded because my heart was too far up my throat to make speech possible.
“Does he need a blanket?”
“No,” I said. “It’s warm enough in here.”
Phoenix grabbed several pillows off the bed and put them on the mattress.
I carried Henry over and carefully put him down and then fitted the pillows around him to deter him from rolling off the bed if he turned over.
Fortunately, he slept through everything, testament to the night he’d probably had with my father.
When I’d changed him in the living room while waiting for Phoenix to return with the formula, I’d encountered a very full diaper.
At best, he’d probably only been changed once the night before sometime before my father had gone to sleep.
“If we leave the door open, we should be able to hear him,” Phoenix offered and I nodded. Henry was a good sleeper, so he’d likely be out for a couple of hours at least .
I followed Phoenix from the room and back down the hallway to the living room. Awkwardness settled in as he motioned to the couch. I hoped that he’d sit next to me, but instead, he sat in an armchair on the other side of the coffee table.
“Does what happened with your father this morning happen a lot?” Phoenix asked.
“No,” I said as an unexpected sense of panic hit me.
What if he was thinking of reporting what had happened this morning to the police?
Would they make it so I couldn’t see Henry anymore?
“I swear, that was the first time anything like that happened. And I’ll talk to Dina…
I’ll make sure she never leaves him alone with my father again. ”
“I meant what he was going to do to you,” Phoenix said softly.
“What?” I asked.
Phoenix sighed. “Levi, how often does your dad hit you?”
I was ready to deny it, but the look in Phoenix’s eyes stopped me. I knew he wouldn’t believe the lie I’d been prepared to tell. “It’s not that bad,” I murmured as I dropped my eyes. “I usually just stay out of his way and things are okay.” I forced my eyes up. “It’s not a big deal, I promise.”
“Because you deserve it?”
The question caught me off guard and I suddenly found it hard to swallow.
When I didn’t answer, Phoenix asked, “Did he hit you when you were a kid too?”
I managed a nod. “He…he was worried I’d turn out like Ricky.”
“What do you mean?”
I could feel the cold settling into my body and I quickly stood up. “Can I use your bathroom?”
I didn’t wait for him to answer as I hurried towards the hallway where I’d seen a half-bath earlier as I’d been walking to Phoenix’s room.
Once inside, I closed the door and then flipped the lock.
I turned the water in the sink on and began splashing my face as I willed my mind to stay in the moment.
Ricky, stop! Please, don’t!
“Fuck,” I whispered as my knees began to buckle .
“Levi?”
I was dimly aware of the sound of knocking, but I couldn’t make sense of where it was coming from.
Stop crying, you little bitch!
“Levi, open the door.”
You gonna call out for Mommy? Do it! Let her see what her precious little boy really likes!
Pain seared through my body and I pressed my mouth against my arm as I remembered all the times I’d imagined it was my mother’s headless body I’d seen hanging from the rafter in that boiler room.
“Levi!”
The pounding in my head grew louder, but thankfully, darkness finally began to seep along the edges of my vision and the image of my mother’s body receded and the pain firing up my spine began to fade.
And then, blessedly, Ricky was done and I let myself slide into the blissful blackness that swallowed me whole.