Chapter 28
Lily
“I’m so glad you all could come in. We have a really exciting presentation for you today,” I say to the clients I’m walking back.
Tori Black has been one of our clients for as long as I can remember, and we’re giving a presentation to her and her vice president for their new ad campaign. Tori is such an important client that Cheryl came out of retirement and is in the office today for this.
I push open the door and wave them in.
Tori pats my arm as she passes me by. “Yes, dear, I was surprised to see you since I swore I heard you murdered your husband.”
Somewhere in the conference room, someone gasps.
If there was any other noise, I can’t hear it over the whooshing in my ears.
My grip on the door handle tightens as I force a smile that feels painful.
Embarrassment and shame burn through my entire body.
There is also a good dose of fear, especially after confessing to Chris.
It feels like there is a huge flashing sign over my head exposing my secrets for all the world to see.
My mind is scrambling, trying to decide if I should make a joke about it, ignore it, or be blunt and shut down any further discussion of my guilt or innocence.
This isn’t a huge meeting, with only about eight of my employees, including Cheryl and Anna, but this was something I really hoped I’d never have to address with anyone.
I always figured that if I were arrested, it wouldn’t matter what they said, since I wouldn’t be here anymore to hear it.
Even as I feel like I’m going to pass out, I know I need to say something instead of just standing here, staring at the woman who has no idea of the inner turmoil she has caused.
I’m opening my mouth to say something when Cheryl approaches.
She lays a hand on the older woman’s shoulder and, under her breath, so only the three of us can hear, says, “Tori, what an absolutely horrendous thing to say to one of my trusted employees and leaders of my company. If you ever say anything like that ever again, I’ll drop you as a client quicker than you can say five times divorced. ”
Tori’s mouth drops open an inch before snapping shut. Without another word, she storms past Cheryl and takes a seat at the conference room table.
Cheryl wraps her arm around my shoulder and smiles at the rest of the team. “Alright, let’s get this amazing presentation going. I can’t wait to show you what the team has put together.”
When the associate starts the presentation, Cheryl guides me to the far end of the table and pulls out a chair for me to sit. My body feels heavy as I sink into the leather.
Cheryl takes the seat next to me and grips my forearm, whispering, “Breathe.”
Breathing as silently as possible so as not to draw attention to myself, I will my nervous system to calm down. Besides the embarrassment of that being said in front of everyone, that night plays on loop in my head, my body reliving every emotion as if it’s all happening in real time.
My head spins, and I feel lightheaded. Realizing what’s happening, I lean over to Cheryl and whisper in her ear, “I’m pretty sure I’m having a panic attack. I need to go to my office.”
Her eyes widen. “Go. Take care of yourself.”
My nod feels jerky as I rise as carefully as possible and leave, doing everything I can not to draw attention to myself, but considering what just happened, that effort is likely to be useless.
Once I’m in the hallway, I speedwalk to my office. I avoid looking up to ensure I don’t make eye contact with anyone. The door flies open, and I catch it before it hits the wall, closing it behind me. Leaning against it, I heave a few noisy, deep breaths now that I’m alone.
When that doesn’t help, I do the one thing I did the last time I had a panic attack years ago—lie on my back with my legs on a chair.
Prone on the floor behind my desk, I close my eyes, feeling tears start to trail down my face and into my hairline.
I think about the one thing that grounds me right now—Chris.
I remember my favorite moments from our weekend.
I think about the first time I saw him. I try to figure out when I first realized I was falling for him.
Because it was definitely before we slept together for the first time.
Eventually, my eyes flutter open, not knowing how much time has passed and not really caring. I stay lying down and just stare at the ceiling, noting a slight watermark that I should tell the building maintenance man about.
I’m contemplating how many other issues like that we’ve missed because we don’t stare at the ceiling enough when my office door creaks open.
Anna whisper-hisses, “Lily? Are you in here?”
I raise my arm, but realize it’s probably not long enough to be seen over my desk. Dropping it to my side, I call out, “I’m over here.”
Anna’s footsteps are muffled on the carpet before her head comes into view as she stares down at me. “Well, this is unexpected, but I can’t say I haven’t wanted to do this a few times myself.”
I lick my dry lips and explain, “I was having a panic attack.”
Her eyes fill with sympathy. “I was worried about that. Can I do anything to help?”
Sighing, I shift my gaze from her back to the ceiling and point at the water spot. “Will you call the maintenance guy to have him look at that?”
Anna twists to look at where I’m pointing. “Uh, sure.” She looks back at me. “I meant more with the panic attack.”
Swinging my legs down, I hold up my hands. “Will you help me up?” With Anna gripping my hands, I climb to my feet as gracefully as I can with a pencil skirt on. Swiping my hands down my skirt, I fake a smile. “I’m good now. Just needed a moment.”
She eyes me, skepticism burning in her stare. “Okay, I guess I’ll take your word for it.”
I take my seat, and Anna walks around my desk, setting down a folder.
“These are the notes from the meeting. Tori had a few notes, and Cheryl basically told her she was an idiot, so the campaign is a go.”
I don’t fake my smile this time. Telling someone they’re an idiot without so many words is Cheryl’s specialty. “Thanks, Anna.” Before she moves away, I capture her hand and squeeze. “I’m truly lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for everything you do and for being the best employee and friend.”
She narrows her eyes. “I’ll always take the gratitude, but I need to ask…did you hit your head on the way down to your spot on the floor there?”
I laugh. “No, just wanted to tell you because I don’t say it enough.”
She nods slowly.
“And also, will you get me a Diet Coke?”
She wags her finger at me. “See, now you’re talking. That will solve all your problems.”
A knock sounds at my door, and Anna turns to leave. Cheryl steps inside and nods at Anna as she passes by.
Walking over to my desk, she lowers into the seat and watches me for a moment.
“I’m better. Sorry about that. I was just having a moment.”
The smile she gives me is filled with sympathy. “You do know it’s okay to not be okay.”
I frown. “Of course I do.”
Leaning forward slightly, she asks, “And do you let yourself? Not be okay?”
I sink back in my seat with an exhale as I’m reminded of the breakdown I had with Chris. Then, the even more epic breakdown where I confessed my darkest secret. “On occasion, I am.”
Cheryl glances down at her hands, studying them, before leveling me with a hard stare. “I knew, Lily.” My stomach drops, my heart stuttering. “I know you thought you hid it well, and for the most part, you did, but my first husband was a lot like Blake.”
I wrap my lips over my teeth to keep my bottom lip from trembling.
“I never liked him, you know?”
I shake my head. She never gave any indication that was how she felt. For all I knew, Blake tricked her as he did me when I was younger, and anyone else he met.
“Any time you brought him to an event, it was just this vibe I got that he wasn’t someone I’d trust with my stuffed cat.”
I tilt my head to the side. “You couldn’t have told me that and saved me the trouble?”
Her smile is all too knowing. “You wouldn’t have listened. Just like I wouldn’t have with my ex. I was more worried about losing you as a friend. I knew you needed me to support you and be here when you finally came to your senses. I didn’t exactly expect things to end up like this.”
Biting my lip, I ask the question that’s been bothering me, no matter how scared I am of the answer. “Would you prefer it if I resigned?”
When she opens her mouth to respond, I hold up a hand to stop her and rush out, “There would be no hard feelings. The last thing I’d ever want to do is tarnish the name of this company you’ve worked tirelessly for years to build.”
“Were you not by my side helping to build this company for the last, what, twelve or so years?”
“Not like you. But regardless of whether I helped, I don’t want to ruin it now. For you, for the employees. For our clients.”
She considers my question, then sighs. “The only reason I’d ever want you to quit is if you wanted to.
If I’m being completely honest, if you told me you killed him, I’d still support you.
Because I know what’s in your heart. You are a wonderful and kind-hearted person.
I know that if it ever got to the point that you felt that was your only option, you didn’t do it lightly. ”
Tears prickle in my eyes at her unwavering support, even as my heart trips at her flippant comment that she has no idea how true it is. I hope I never have to find out if she really means that. It’s an incredible feeling to have the people who mean the most to me on my side at a time like this.
“Thank you, Cheryl.”
Cheryl stands and smiles down at me. “Don’t thank me. Just get this all figured out so I can retire for real.”
My smile is watery when I say, “Yeah, right. Like that will ever happen.”
She chuckles on her way to the door. “You’re probably right. I’ll die approving an ad layout for bitches like Tori Black.”
I laugh and shake my head as she leaves my office.
Two hours later, I’m standing on the sidewalk right outside the door to the building, waiting for Chris to pick me up. When his sleek black car rolls through the parking lot and stops in front of me, my heart feels lighter.
Until I see him frowning at me as I climb inside.
“What’s wrong?”
He waits until I get buckled in before he backs out of the parking spot. “Why the hell were you outside?” he snaps.
Knowing I’m safe with Chris to express how I’m feeling, I don’t hide my anger. “You don’t have to talk to me like that. Today was kind of a rough day. I just needed some air, so I stepped outside for, like, five minutes while I was waiting for you.”
When he stops before pulling onto the street, he glances in my direction, his dark eyes stormy. He reaches over and captures my hand in his and pulls it to his mouth, pressing a kiss there as he takes a right out of the parking lot.
After resting our hands on his thigh, he says, “I’m sorry, Lily. I just can’t stop worrying about you. It’s occupied way too much of my mind today.”
Guilt worms its way into my stomach. “Chris, I hate that I’m causing that. Maybe this isn’t a good idea. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of my messed-up life.”
He cuts his eyes over to me before looking back at the road. “If you’re trying to break up with me, you’re going to need a better reason than I’m thinking about you too much.”
I deadpan in his direction. “You know what I mean.”
Shrugging, he flips on his blinker. “I’ll be fine. Besides, if I think about you this much when I’m with you, think how much worse it would be if I’m not. The only thing that gets me through the day is getting to see your face at the end of it.”
My cheeks heat at his words. That’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
“Now that we have that resolved, tell me why you had a bad day.”
I drop my head against the headrest with a groan. “Well, I had my first panic attack in probably fifteen years.”
Frowning, his grip on my hand increases. “What happened to cause it?”
I squeeze his hand back. “It was probably just everything catching up with me. But what set it off is a client, who’s been a client for years, came in for a meeting. And she commented that she was surprised to see me because she heard I killed my husband.”
The interior of the car is so silent, I don’t even know if Chris is breathing.
“Chris,” I say quietly, attempting to pull him back. “It’s not a big deal. Cheryl dealt with it, and I laid on the ground for a bit. It was fine. I’m fine.”
Finally, he releases a growly exhale and brings my hand back up for another kiss. “I fucking hate people sometimes,” he mutters, keeping his eyes locked straight ahead.
I watch him the rest of the way to his place. There’s something about him that seems off, and it worries me. It’s not just him snapping at me. It’s this undercurrent of emotion that I don’t understand and am scared to ask him about out of fear he’s changed his mind about me after all.
Squeezing his hand one more time, I hope what he said is true about needing me. Because there’s no question that I need him.