Chapter Eighteen
Nate awoke in his recliner thinking about Julie—her tender touch, her gentle kisses, her willingness to quit the race so he could keep his job.
Thinking about Julie made him smile. He kept his eyes closed, content.
Nothing he’d said about his past deterred her from her conviction that he should raise Duke. In fact, it seemed quite the opposite. Almost as if she had complete faith in him—despite years of resentment and hearing about his childhood.
Julie was doggedly determined to do the right thing, to seek out justice, to be as good as anyone else at anything she did. Yet in spite of the competitiveness, she was fiercely protective of April and Duke.
And me.
That was the most surprising part of all. After everything that had gone down, Julie seemed to like Nate. More than like him. She… They’d kissed. He’d held her close.
Nate wanted to kiss Julie again. He wanted to hold her in his arms. He wanted to wake up to the sound of her voice and go to sleep at night knowing she’d be nearby in the morning. He wanted...
He wanted things he shouldn’t want. He wanted more than he’d had with April. He wanted...
He wanted a love like Terrance had had with Robin. He wanted the father-son bond Flynn was making with Ian. He wanted to love Julie and have her love him in return.
Was it possible? Or had the kisses last night been something Julie would regret this morning?
Nate opened his eyes.
The apartment was quiet. Most likely Duke and Julie were still asleep. Nate stretched and looked around the room.
Midmorning sunshine streamed through the windows. The bed and the bedroll were empty and in a jumble a few feet away. The bathroom door was open. There were no whispered voices. No tiptoeing feet on the floorboards. No Julie. No Duke.
A note sat on the kitchen table. From the recliner he could just reach it. Julie had scribbled a message. “See you at ten.”
At ten. At the shooting competition.
The clock on the microwave read 9:00 a.m. He’d overslept.
Nate never overslept. But he’d had too many long days, too many sleep-deprived nights. It’d caught up to him.
He bolted out of the chair. Why couldn’t it have caught up to him tomorrow?
Julie hadn’t fired a weapon since she’d been shot. If there was a saddle to climb back on, she’d need a safety harness to prevent being bucked off. They were going to use rifles. She was right-handed. She’d have to put the gun stock against her shoulder. Her wounded shoulder.
Rutgar was providing them with rifles to shoot. Who knew how powerful they’d be. And if Julie reopened her wound, she’d need medical treatment, which she should get from the doctor who’d sewn her up. Which meant she’d have to return to Sacramento. She and Duke would leave.
No more early mornings with his son while Julie slept. No more spoiling Duke with bacon and airplane games. No more little boy filling his arms and his life and his heart.
Nate gripped the kitchen counter. He didn’t want Julie to go.
I love her.
He didn’t want Duke to go for the same reason.
I love Duke.
Nate wanted to watch his son grow and help him be a better man than Nate had been. He wanted him to know his great-uncle Paul, his aunt Molly and his cousin Camille. And he wanted Duke to know his grandmother. Nate hadn’t seen his mother in years, but Molly kept talking about a reconciliation.
Nate sank to the wood floor. He’d let his mother go long ago, but family was important. Knowing where you came from was worth awkward reunions.
What happened to my life? Where do I go from here?
Nate didn’t know. He’d kissed Julie last night, but they hadn’t discussed anything. They hadn’t talked more about April and all the reasons the wedding had been called off.
He quickly showered and changed clothes.
“Nate?” Terrance called from downstairs.
And then a louder, “Nate!” from Rutgar.
Nate hurried down. He had a lot to sort out in his life, but the first priority was to keep Julie from shooting.
“Today’s the day you seal the deal and win this thing.” Rutgar stood without a cane. His gray-blond hair looked clean and brushed. And there were no crumbs in his beard.
“What’s wrong?” Trust Terrance to notice Nate’s agitation. The widower studied Nate’s expression like a hawk tracking a possible gopher sighting.
Nate saw no reason to lie. “I’m thinking about throwing the shooting competition.”
“Unbelievable.” Rutgar dropped into Nate’s desk chair, which groaned almost as loud as the big man himself. “I attached myself to a dark horse.”
Nate told them about Julie’s wound. “I think I should concede, so she doesn’t have to shoot.”
“Why did you have to have a good reason?” Rutgar buried his head in his oversized hands. “I could have argued with you if you had a bad reason.”
“Ignore Rutgar. He doesn’t like to lose.” Terrance put a hand on Nate’s shoulder. It was a supportive hand, and he looked at Nate the way a father should look at a son. “Have you talked to Julie about this?”
“Briefly. She refused to back out.”
Terrance sighed and guided Nate into an office chair. “Do you know what women hate more than a man who lies to them?”
“No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me. Just be quick about it.” Nate checked his phone. He didn’t have time for one of Terrance’s long lectures.
Terrance planted one hand on each arm of Nate’s chair. “Women hate a man who makes decisions without consulting them. Consulting, not telling.”
“Julie’s not a cream puff.” Rutgar lifted his head. “She’ll most likely slug you either way.”
“Ignore Rutgar,” Terrance said again, calm when Nate wanted to shout. “You have to tell Julie why you don’t want her to shoot. There’s forty minutes until the competition starts.”
Nate nodded, drawing a deep breath. “You’re right.”
But Terrance wasn’t done. “And when I say you have to tell Julie your reasoning, I mean you have to tell her you love her.”
“How did you...” Of course. Terrance had seen it before Nate had. “No.” Nate pushed Terrance’s hands off the chair and stood. He couldn’t tell Julie how he felt. He wasn’t ready. His temples throbbed. “If I tell her...”
“He can’t even say the words.” Rutgar stood, towering over both men. “Why bother being preventative? I say we bring the first-aid kit and let her shoot. We’ll win. We’ll patch her up. No serious harm, no serious foul.”
“Rutgar,” Terrance chastised. “Nate is a gentleman.”
“And I’m not.” Rutgar shrugged. “I’m okay with that.” He came around the desk and dropped his beefy arm on Nate’s shoulder. “Shoot today, play Romeo tomorrow.”
“He’s going to do the right thing.” Terrance gave Nate a gentle shove in the back, freeing him from Rutgar’s hold. “Knowing Julie, she’s going to insist upon competing, no matter what Nate says.” Terrance pushed Nate toward the door. “Come on. We need to get Robin’s gun. It’s designed for a woman, so it won’t have the kick of your weapon.”
“You own a gun?” A shaft of fear pierced Nate’s chest. Terrance had taken Robin’s death hard. What if he’d done more than walk around in flannel pants and bunny slippers? What if he’d—
“I know what you’re thinking.” Rutgar joined the shove-the-sheriff-toward-the-door club. “Terrance ain’t no fool. He gave me his guns after Robin died.”
“You were shooting Terrance’s guns,” Nate realized, remembering the bullet-ridden cans at Rutgar’s house and the reports of gunfire.
“You’ve been using my guns?” Terrance’s voice simmered with anger.
Rutgar shrugged and nudged Nate forward again, none too gently. “I cleaned them afterward.”
“I thought you were my friend.” Terrance lowered his brows and used his hand to guide Nate toward the door. “Friends don’t sneak shots with their friend’s firearms.”
“I can’t do this.” Nate dug in his heels and spun away from both men. “Not this way.”
Julie couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy.
She and Duke were finishing off a breakfast of bacon and eggs on the patio of El Rosal. More importantly, Julie was finishing off a mug of strong coffee while Duke tore into a chocolate chip waffle.
She’d woken up in the middle of the night just as she was beginning to relive the shooting in a dream. Instead of dipping into the nightmare, she’d opened her eyes and found Nate sleeping in his recliner a few feet away. Duke had climbed into his lap, his head resting on Nate’s shoulder.
It was official. Nate had passed the Daddy Test.
Nate may not have had an idyllic childhood, but he could provide one for Duke. She could see the two of them together over the years. Nate, the good father. He’d teach Duke how to play sports and shoot. He’d teach Duke how to drive and the intricacies of tying a tie. He’d stand tall and stoic when Duke left for college. And then she saw herself standing next to Nate, her arm looped around his waist, her head nestled against his chest.
Peace settled in her heart.
This was right. They were right. She had a feeling April would approve.
She’d closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep for another few hours. And when Duke whispered her name in the wee hours of the morning, she’d taken him to the bathroom to clean up for the day and let Nate sleep.
She was staying in Harmony Valley. She’d find a position on a police force somewhere nearby—Cloverdale or Santa Rosa. She’d go back to patrol. She and Nate would test the relationship waters. Not marriage, because Julie didn’t want to make him run off as he had with April. She could hope that a wedding would happen someday, but she wouldn’t push. What they had between them held the promise of something special, something worth waiting for.
Because I love him.
The sun was shining. The coffee was strong. Duke was no longer grumpy in the morning. Her shoulder no longer hurt when she breathed. And when Nate woke up, he’d come find them.
“Juju, pay?” Duke pointed to the town square.
“We’re going for a walk after this.” To the winery where they’d be shooting.
Rutgar was providing the rifle and ammo. The event would be fun. Julie was competitive, but she knew Nate was a better shot than she was. She planned to enjoy the camaraderie of being with Nate and doing something they both enjoyed.
“There you are.” Doris wore a brown sweater with hundreds of small dancing Chihuahuas embroidered on it. “How good of a markswoman are you?”
“Are you deadly?” Lilac stood next to her friend wearing khaki slacks, a leopard-print blouse and a tan safari hat. The ends of her canary yellow chiffon scarf fluttered in the breeze.
“Of course, she’s deadly.” Doris had no qualms belittling her friend. “She’s on the SWAT team. Tough as they come.”
Julie’s stomach turned.
“While our loser sheriff has likely done nothing more than work the system to his advantage,” Doris quipped.
It was better if they didn’t know the truth about either Julie or Nate.
“Are you feeling okay?” Lilac peered at Julie. “You don’t look well.”
“She’s been spending too much time with the sheriff.” Doris tried to stare down her nose at Julie, but she wasn’t as good at it as Leona. “That’ll upset anyone’s stomach.”
Rutgar appeared at the wrought iron fence. He had a rifle case slung over his right shoulder and a square ammo bag crosswise over his body. He stood steadily on two feet without crutches. Terrance stood next to him. Neither one of them smiled.
“Are you competing for sheriff, Rutgar?” Lilac put more flirt in her voice than a teenage girl looking for her first date.
“No.” Rutgar looked taken aback. “We brought Ms. Smith a rifle.”
“Why?” Doris slanted her gaze suspiciously. “Why would you help our candidate?”
“Nate asked us to,” Rutgar said in a growly voice. “We’re gentlemen.” And then he straightened and grinned at Terrance.
“Oh.” Lilac looked Rutgar up and down. “So you are.”
“The gun was my wife’s.” Terrance went to Duke and began cleaning his little hands with a napkin. “It’s made specifically for a woman—lighter, more compact and with a top-of-the-line recoil pad.”
“Now the sheriff...” Rutgar’s voice dropped to smack-talk casual. “He’s a big man. He’s bringing a big gun.”
And it would probably have a big recoil, whereas a gun made specifically for a woman wouldn’t. “That was thoughtful. Thank you.” Julie’s shoulder thanked them.
Doris wasn’t convinced of their sincerity. “I smell a rat.”
“If you expect a rat, that’s what you’ll get every time.” That was Leona. She stood at the edge of the sidewalk in a blue dress and pearls, clasping her hands as she’d done the night Julie had checked in.
“What are you doing here?” Lilac asked.
“My granddaughter wants me to get out more.” Leona shrugged her shoulders, looking more untouchable than ever, until she added, “And I came to wish Julie luck.”
“You petty,” Duke called out to Leona, waving.
Nate may have had a half smile, but Leona had an almost smile. When people kept so much bottled inside, any small indication of emotion was like a flower in full bloom. Duke had won the Bride of Frankenstein over.
Julie thanked Leona and gathered her things, ignoring the put-out pouts of Doris and Lilac. “Do you want me to carry that over, Terrance?” She gestured to the gun.
“Let Rutgar do it.” Terrance freed Duke from his high chair and set him in the stroller. “Flynn invited Duke to watch the shooting match from the winery’s offices. I’d be honored if you’d allow me to take him.”
“I’m feeling spoiled now,” Julie said, meaning it. Impulsively, she stood on tiptoe and kissed Terrance’s cheek.
“Hey. Don’t forget the gun bearer.” Rutgar tapped his cheek.
Julie gave him a kiss, as well.
Terrance wheeled Duke to the sidewalk where he paused, waiting for Julie to join them.
“But…we were going to drive Julie over.” Lilac hadn’t stopped studying Rutgar since he’d arrived. She smiled at him. “That’s why we tracked Julie down. Do you know? Doris could be a policeman. She has very good investigative skills.”
“I’m walking, thanks.” Julie tried to hide a smile. Doris knew breakfast was only served at two places in town—El Rosal and Martin’s Bakery. It hadn’t been that hard to find Julie. “I’d rather walk and loosen up my muscles.” Julie left money on the table and hurried to join the older men.
“Good idea,” Doris said as if her approval was required. “You’ll be a better shot when you’re loose.”
Rutgar led the way. Duke gripped his sippy cup and kicked his feet happily, sending an occasional smile at Terrance, who pushed him.
Terrance had long legs like Nate, but he tailored his stride to fit Julie’s. “Quite an accomplishment to earn a spot on a SWAT team.”
Julie flexed her hands, enjoying being stroller-free, looking forward to the morning’s events and the warm look in Nate’s eyes when she thanked him for the rifle. “Ah,” Julie caught on. She stopped loosening up and started paying more attention to her escorts. “You’re preparing me for losing to Nate, so I’ll appreciate the job I have back home.”
“You’re a smart one.” Rutgar adjusted the ammo bag. “The campaign ends soon. And I predict Nate will still be sheriff. And then you’ll be gone. And I might have to write you.”
“Rutgar is single and constantly on the lookout for a good woman,” Terrance teased. “He has the particular misfortune of finding women who are on the cusp of committed relationships to other men.”
“It’s a curse,” the big man muttered.
“I’m flattered to be letter worthy.” Despite their easy banter, butterflies had begun to take flight in her midsection, heralding the nerves Nate had predicted. “You aren’t providing me with a defective gun, are you?”
“So suspicious.” Terrance chuckled.
“I fired it last week,” Rutgar said, earning a growl from Terrance. “The sight is true.”
At Martin’s Bakery, Eunice sat in the window seat wearing a bright yellow tracksuit that contrasted nicely with the purple tint in her hair. “There’s Julie,” she shouted. “It’s time.”
Julie waved as the patrons of Martin’s took their last sips of coffee, gathered their jackets or purses and, in some cases, walkers. But Rutgar and Terrance marched on and so did she.
“Have you ever been married, Julie?” Terrance was quite the talker.
“No.” Not even close. “I intimidate men.” Policemen treated her like one of the guys. And most men outside the force were put off by her.
“Maybe you’re looking at the wrong men, Julie.” Despite Nate’s kisses last night, there was something both soothing and curious about Terrance’s line of conversation. “Strong women need strong men at their side.”
“Like me,” Rutgar piped up.
“Keep walking, Rutgar,” Terrance said, giving Julie a conspiratorial glance. “Back to the topic of strong men.”
Julie took a closer look at Terrance’s expression. “Are you giving me love advice?”
“I’m trying to.” He blushed. “Am I doing it wrong? I have no experience giving advice to women. I only have sons.”
“We’ve got another ten minutes’ walk,” Rutgar said. “You might as well flap your jaws and she might as well listen.”
Duke’s grip on his sippy cup slackened. He might be taking a little snooze.
“Ah, yes.” Terrance cleared his throat. “Strong men. They aren’t perfect.”
“I think Nate would be upset to hear you think he’s flawed,” Julie teased.
“We’re all flawed, Julie.” Terrance’s humility was endearing, even if she suspected he had an agenda. “It’s determining if those flaws add to the package or make someone unacceptable.”
Cars began passing them, going the same direction. Women waved out their windows and called, “Good luck!”
“Don’t listen to Terrance,” Rutgar said without turning back. “Perfect men exist. Take me, for example.”
“He’s perfect, all right,” Terrance grinned. “If you like loud, opinionated, rough around the edges. And old.”
“You described me to a T until that last part.” Rutgar led them over a bridge. “The problem with dating at my age is—”
“Oh, here we go.” Terrance rolled his eyes.
“—I can’t promise what I’ll be like five or ten years from now. Will I be broke? Will I look at the woman I date and remember who she is?”
“Dating is easier when you’re young,” Terrance agreed. “I’m shocked I finally agree with him.”
“We agree because we’re friends,” Rutgar said simply.
“We’re friends because of Nate. I never talked to you much before Robin died.” Terrance looked over at Julie. “And now we have a new friend, someone who cares for Nate as much as we do.”
More.
“Someone who’ll forgive him his imperfections because he has a good heart.”
Julie might have dwelled on Terrance’s words longer if they hadn’t been met at a driveway by Flynn, who led Julie to where she’d be shooting.
“So, it comes down to this,” Nate said to Julie as they stood off to the side on the winery property.
He’d nervously awaited her arrival, pacing. Terrance expected him to be honest. But honesty always came at a cost and the words Nate chose in the next few minutes could very well determine what his life was like over the next few years.
Flynn had set up targets fifty yards away where the land sloped gently uphill. He’d chosen a variety of targets—a spinner, a diamond pop-up, soup cans and a traditional paper target on a large tree stump. Someone had provided them with a table with ammunition, a basket of mermaid-shaped sugar cookies and bottles of water. Nate had added a first-aid kit and his rifle to the table. Spectators were about a quarter mile back, lining the road.
Julie walked up to Nate, carrying an ammo bag with what had to be Robin’s gun slung over her shoulder. She wore brown cargo pants and a tan button-down. Her blond hair was loose and lively, fluttering in the breeze. She set the ammo on the table and leaned the gun against the edge.
She walked toward Nate with that broad smile he loved so much, the one he’d miss if he messed this up. “How about a kiss for luck?” she asked.
He held her at arm’s length. “How about I get a rain check?”
Her smile faded. “A rain check for your good luck kiss?”
“A rain check on all of it—the shooting and the kiss.” Nate shook his head. “April and your mother wouldn’t want you to shoot, not with your wound so fresh.” He didn’t like the irate slant to her eyes, but he pressed on. “We can both agree to postpone, or I could concede.”
“Don’t you dare.” Julie removed his hands and took a step back. “I know I’m not as good a shot as you are, but my supporters expect me to compete. I’m not going to let them down.”
“Don’t make a decision based on pride. Think of April, she never took her health for granted.” A black rain cloud formed above him, small yet ominous. “Think of Duke and how he’d feel if you had to go into the hospital again.”
“April adored you,” she said almost absently. Her arms were twined around her stomach. “And I can see why.”
“Yes. April adored me.” He emphasized the word adore.
“Are you...” Julie paused, a crinkle to her brow. “You’re saying she didn’t love you. That’s not true.” Her tone was low and unforgiving. She’d most likely thought they were past discussions of April and Nate and love.
Terrance wanted Nate to tell the truth. But Nate was botching it before he ever got that far. He was in desperate need of a conversation do-over. Or he could consider this a sign that love wasn’t meant for him. Anger numbed his heart, his fingers and his hope.
“You want to shoot? Let’s shoot.” He marched behind the table to retrieve his gun case.
She followed, keeping a short distance behind him. And then she was at his side, leaning over his weapon. “You’re going to shoot with that thing? It’s too small for you and held together with duct tape.”
“My father gave me this gun.” Nate looked at the rifle he’d been given for his eighth birthday. He’d taken it out of the gun safe that was built into the floor of his apartment, giving it a brief cleaning. He’d been battling nerves while he waited for Julie, but the moment he held that gun, everything inside him calmed.
“Nate, I’m sorry.” Her arm came around his waist. She rested her head on his shoulder. “I hadn’t realized this election and me being here would bring back all the painful memories of your childhood. We don’t have to shoot.”
The cloud over Nate’s head thickened, darkened, flashed with lightning.
Maybe she meant to comfort him. Maybe he was projecting pity into her words. And maybe that wasn’t anger building in his veins. He had to stop pussyfooting around the truth.
“This has nothing to do with my father.” That came out louder than he wanted, and they weren’t the words he’d planned to say. Nate set the rifle down on the table. “I mean, this election and how I feel about the circus you and I have been roped into has nothing to do with my past.”
She tilted her head and studied him. “Explain it to me, then.”
Nate drew a breath. The time had come. “I didn’t tell you the entire truth about the day April and I were going to be married.”
Quicker than a fly evaded a fly swatter, Julie was angry again. “You said April didn’t want to marry you. You said you loved her and that you would’ve gone through with it. What haven’t you told me?” She was staring at his mouth. Unaccountably, her voice softened. “Did you two make some kind of a deal about the marriage and you reneged? I know one of April’s last wishes was to be married.”
“There was no deal.” Nate blew out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “She asked me a question. Totally out of the blue.”
“A question about your father? About your time overseas?” Julie took a step closer, reaching for him. “Come on, Nate. Tell me.”
He took her hands. He and Julie were positioned as if they were standing in front of a minister. Too bad they stood beneath a thick black cloud only Nate could see, one threatening a downpour of regret. “April said I didn’t love her the way I should, not the way she deserved.” Nate gazed into Julie’s eyes, imprinting the soft look into his memory because he knew she was never going to look at him like that again. “April said she could tell.”
“And what did you say?” Julie’s empathy was draining. He could hear the tension building in her voice.
Nate wanted to hold on to her compassion. He wanted to build on it, preferably into something close to love. But he had to be honest. “I didn’t say anything. I knew the day would come when April changed her mind about me.” Without meaning to, Nate squeezed Julie’s hands as if he couldn’t bear to let them go. “Why wouldn’t it? I’ve been a sniper for the military. I’ve shot bad guys at home and abroad. I took aim at my own father. What kind of man does that and deserves to be loved? What kind of man does that and deserves a wife? A…” His throat clogged with failure until he had to force the words out. “A son?”
Julie thrust out her chin, a fighter to the end. But she was fighting the wrong battle. “What did April say?”
“She said I loved you more than I loved her.” Nate worked his throat until he could swallow. “And for that...I had no answer.”
He’d been broadsided by the accusation. He’d met Julie first. She’d been the more outwardly beautiful of the sisters. She held values and interests closer to Nate’s. But he couldn’t love her. He didn’t know what love was. He’d cared for April, but it was a gentle, protective love. And because he didn’t want to hurt her, when April said she loved him, he’d always repeated the words back to her, knowing the words were hollow.
Nate felt hollow now. “I could answer her today. I could tell her—”
“Don’t.” Julie looked upon him as if he’d just told her April had died. Her knees buckled.
Nate kept her on her feet.
“Don’t,” she whispered, staring at his chest.
He had to. He had to tell her everything. “I had no idea what love was back then. I didn’t know if April’s statement was true or not. And because I didn’t answer, April didn’t want to get married. I told her I’d go through with the wedding, but she sent me away.” He’d done as April wished and left without a word of explanation to anyone.
“That means I caused...” Julie broke free of Nate’s hold, horror etched on her face with pale, ghostly lines. “After you left, she told Mom and me...” Her voice was barely a whisper. “And then she turned away. April turned away and... Oh, no.” Julie’s voice was as taut and off-key as a misplayed violin. “She didn’t want to see me. In those days afterward...April didn’t want to see me.” Julie took a step back, and then another. “I’ve never put myself ahead of my sister.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her hand went to her mouth, and she made a sound like a stifled sob. “I hate you.”
He’d been afraid it would come to this. His chest felt as if it was crumpling in on itself. “I tried to love her.”
“Don’t make this worse.” Julie’s eyes had filled with tears and her voice was as shaky as a dried-out leaf in a late-autumn breeze. “There is nothing you can say that will make me feel better.”
He nodded. Once. Briefly.
“I’m leaving today.” Julie closed her eyes and turned her head. “I’m taking Duke.”
He nodded again, although she still hadn’t opened her eyes. He hadn’t managed to tell her the entire truth. He hadn’t said he loved her. But he’d gotten what he deserved.
And that was loneliness.
She turned away. “Goodbye, Landry.” She’d gone two steps when she stopped and turned back. “No.” Her chin came up. “I’m shooting. And if there’s any justice in the world, I’ll beat you.”
The black cloud descended.
Julie didn’t win.
She couldn’t control her breath or her sobs or her shaking hands. She’d wanted to win so badly. She’d wanted to crush Nate the way he’d crushed her heart.
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice...
Julie was twice the fool. First, before she’d ever introduced him to April, she’d thought Nate was her friend. And now...it felt as if someone had ripped her heart out and then reached back in for the rest of her organs.
Nate may have shot better, but he didn’t win either. She wasn’t going to co-parent with him. She wasn’t going to hold his hand through the dark memories. And she was most certainly not going to kiss him.
Julie walked away as soon as she was done. And she didn’t look back. She couldn’t look back.
April.
Julie owed April a thousand apologies. She should have kept her sister away from Nate. She should have known he was bad news. What kind of man wouldn’t let himself smile? Rarely laughed? Didn’t talk about his past or his family?
Julie knew the answers now and it made it that much harder to watch Nate lock down his emotions, to witness him bracing himself for her hurt and her anger.
Do not feel sorry for him.
“What did I tell you about men and imperfections?” Terrance asked gently when she entered the winery’s tasting room to claim Duke, who’d been sitting on the floor playing with wine corks.
“How did you...” Julie took inventory of the room. Modern tables, elegant bar, discreet video camera in the corner. She walked around the bar and glanced at Flynn’s open laptop. On-screen, Nate sat on the ground, elbows hooked around his knees, head bowed.
Do not feel sorry for him.
Julie’s hands were still shaking, and she barely trusted herself to speak. “You filmed this?” she demanded of Flynn.
The winery owner grimaced. “And broadcast it.”
Julie slammed the laptop closed and gathered her nephew into her arms.
“It only went out to Harmony Valley,” Flynn said as if that would make a difference. “We have some voters who were interested in the contest.”
Carrying Duke, Julie dragged the stroller out the door. “And all those people lining the road?” All those people who knew, who’d heard, who’d seen Julie make a fool of herself with Nate.
Terrance followed Julie out the door. “Let me help you.”
She whirled on the old man, grateful for a new target. “You knew.”
He shook his head. “I knew he loved you. I knew he felt he could never be good enough for you.”
“He was right.” Julie shouldered the backpack, wincing when the padded strap rested on her wounded shoulder. The gun’s recoil made everything hurt. She wanted to get somewhere safe and check her bandage.
“No mad words,” Duke said half-heartedly as he climbed into the stroller.
“I can’t make any promises.” Julie’s hands shook so bad Terrance had to strap Duke in.
As soon as the belt clicked, Julie propelled the stroller forward.
Terrance walked at her side. “Nate loves you. I heard him all but say it out there.”
“Everyone heard him almost say it. You had a microphone.” She couldn’t quell the anger in her voice.
“You can’t choose who you love, Julie. Imagine how much it hurt Nate to be honest with your sister. Imagine his surprise when confronted with an emotion he hadn’t yet acknowledged for himself.”
“I don’t need to imagine anything. I heard it all.” More than she ever wanted to hear. How was she going to tell her mother? What was she going to tell her mother?
“Nay.” Duke twisted in the stroller to look up at Julie. “Luv Nay. Where Nay?”
Julie bent over in pain. Duke loved Nate. He loved his dad.
She loved Nate, too. She loved that infuriating, internally scarred, honorable man. But her love... It felt like a betrayal to the sister she loved. Love wasn’t supposed to make you feel guilty.
“Let me help you.” Terrance guided Julie’s body into an upright position with a hand on her uninjured shoulder and another on her back.
“Nay?” Duke twisted right and left, his dark hair spiraling in the air like antennae in a breeze. “Nay?”
“Nate went bye-bye.” Julie choked on the words. Or maybe it was her heart she was choking on.
What if April hadn’t been so honorable? What if they’d gone through with the marriage? Would Julie have felt differently if Nate came to her as a widower and said he loved her? Would Julie feel the sharp stab of betrayal?
What did it matter? April was gone and Julie owed it to her sister to...to...
Forgive.
Julie’s steps faltered. She pressed a hand over her bandage, so close to her heart. What if April wasn’t just encouraging Julie to forgive Nate? What if she was encouraging Julie to forgive April? For sending her here. For making her promise to administer the Daddy Test. For knowing that Nate loved her and suspecting that given the right circumstances Julie might love him back.
No one is that strong.
Julie’s breath hitched.
April had been that strong.
Julie wanted to curl up in a ball and let the pain roll over her. But she had Duke to care for, a career to figure out and a drive on busy freeways to make. She didn’t think she could do it.
Love...love was in the way of everything.
Terrance didn’t say a word until they crossed the bridge, mere blocks from the sheriff’s office. “You can’t drive like this. Think of Duke.”
“I am thinking of Duke. I have to get away. I can’t think here.” She couldn’t honor her sister and forgive Nate in this town.
“Come to my house,” Terrance blurted, cutting off her protests. “I won’t tell Nate. You can rest. I can watch Duke. And when you’re ready, when you’re steady, you can leave.”
“I’m not running for sheriff.” The old man was just tricky enough to try and entice her to go to the vote tonight. “I’m out. Are we clear?”
“Crystal.” He took possession of the stroller handles and led her away, leaving Julie alone with her racing, painful thoughts.
Terrance’s house was a memorial to his wife. There were pictures of her everywhere. Wedding pictures. Anniversary pictures. His wife holding babies. His wife cuddling puppies.
Julie slung the backpack off her shoulders and stood in the doorway, uncertain if she wanted to intrude on such overwhelming grief.
Duke had no such reservations. He snagged the backpack, ran into the living room, and crawled onto the couch.
“You know—” Terrance stood next to Julie “—I hadn’t realized until just now that I might have gone overboard with my grieving.”
She looked at him with raised brows.
Terrance laughed. “You’re right. I’m not ready to take any of the photos down.”
Julie nodded. She understood love and grief. It was forgiveness she struggled with.
“Juju.” Duke patted the cushion next to him and then dug in the backpack where she kept a few of his favorite books. “Read.”
She sat down, grateful.
Duke climbed into her lap and handed her a book. Except it wasn’t a book. It was April’s notebook with the Daddy Test.
“Not this one.” Julie tried to reach for another book.
“No.” Duke shook the notebook in her face. “Read book me.”
“Hey. That was three words.” A milestone. Milestones should be celebrated. Julie smiled and hugged Duke and looked around for...
Nate.
Terrance had disappeared somewhere. His wife was the only one to meet her gaze. Everywhere she looked, Robin gazed back. Julie realized she was really looking for Nate.
Disappointment clamped down on her chest. But disappointment with who?
“Let’s pick out another book.”
“No.” Again, Duke shook the notebook as if he was trying to shake all the secrets out of it.
Julie relented, opening the notebook and creating a story from scratch. “There once was a boy named Duke.”
Duke clapped his small hands.
“Who had an Aunt Julie and a...a dad named Nate.”
“Nay,” Duke said in a breathy voice. He flipped a page and lay back against Julie. “Luv Nay.”
Julie wrapped her arms around him, remembering a conversation she’d had with April months ago.
“How will I know if Nate passes your test?” Julie had asked.
“He’ll answer all your questions,” April had said, breathless because breathing was a chore. “And although you may not like all his answers, he’ll be honest with you. You have to forgive honesty, I think.”
“You think?”
“I know,” she’d said with one of those enduring smiles.
“Read, Juju.” Duke flipped another page in the notebook, one she and Nate hadn’t gotten to yet.
April had written: “What will you tell your son about love?”
The church was crowded for the special meeting called for the election.
Mayor Larry kept announcing that people needed to sit on the side of their candidate.
Nate was distressed to find his side was overflowing.
“Spilling your guts out to Julie was brilliant,” Rutgar said when Nate reached the front pew.
Julie and Duke sat at the front of the church on the altar. He knew she hadn’t left town because her red SUV was still parked in front of the jail, but he hadn’t seen her all day. She looked like she’d been through boot camp on little sleep. Her eyes were puffy, and her blond hair was limp, and he wished with all his heart that he could make her feel better.
Nate walked over to Mayor Larry and shook his hand. “May I?” He gestured toward the microphone.
“Of course.” The mayor stepped aside and then seemed to change his mind and stepped back, leaning in close to ask, “I’m not going to regret this, am I?”
“No.” Nate stood behind the podium and drew a steadying breath. “Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for your support over the past few years. When I came here to Harmony Valley, I was in desperate need of a clean slate, and you gave it to me.”
“The election isn’t over,” Doris sniped from the front pew. The empty front pew.
“The election is over,” Nate said evenly. “Because someone needs a clean slate more than I do. I’m withdrawing my name from consideration as your sheriff.”
The crowd exploded with noise. Some people moved from Nate’s side of the church to Julie’s side. Others began to shout at Nate. Rutgar howled a loud, “Nooooo.”
When he tried to step away from the microphone, Mayor Larry held him fast.
“Hold on. Hold on.” Agnes called for order.
“I should go.” Nate couldn’t bring himself to look at Julie.
“Stay right here.” The mayor’s grip was unexpectedly strong.
The church quieted.
“Unfortunately, Julie Smith does not qualify for the sheriff’s position.” Agnes looked like she’d rather be home than broadcasting this announcement via microphone. “As we noted at the meeting where we decided to have an election, the sheriff only qualifies for the position if he or she meets the same criteria as any other elected official. According to our bylaws, a candidate must have lived in Harmony Valley for at least one year prior to running.”
The crowd erupted again.
“Agnes… You knew Julie wasn’t qualified all along?” Nate used his outdoor voice, and it was picked up by the podium’s microphone. He jerked his arm free of Mayor Larry’s hold and took a step back, a step closer to Agnes, who he used to trust. “You knew and you put Julie through this circus anyway?”
He wasn’t alone in his indignation.
“You made Nate think his job was at risk?” Julie demanded.
“That is nasty, Agnes.” Doris leaped to her feet. “Just nasty. We should all remember how nasty Agnes is this fall when she’s up for—”
Mildred dragged the microphone toward herself. “We wouldn’t have been in this position if not for you, Doris.”
Not to be excluded, Rose took the microphone next. “And now, unless someone else wants to step up, we won’t have a sheriff.”
The crowd had a gut reaction, a loud gut reaction.
Duke ran to Nate and hid between his legs. “Nay!”
“I know, buddy.” Nate leaned closer to the microphone. “No mad words, please.”
The crowd quieted only to have Doris get to her feet and announce, “I’ll run for sheriff.”
The crowd burst forth with protests once more. This time it was boos.
“You don’t qualify either,” Agnes said, having reclaimed the microphone.
“We need to talk,” Julie shouted beside Nate.
He didn’t need to be asked twice. “Follow me.” Nate picked up his son and led Julie out the back door. “Duke, do you want nachos or ice cream?”
“Nach-cream.”
Nate pressed a kiss to Duke’s forehead. “You got it, buddy.”
“Luv Nay.” Duke flung his arms around Nate’s neck.
The moment froze in time. The chill to the evening air. The way the oak in the town square was outlined against the night sky. The easy weight of his son in his arms as Duke declared his love.
“We need to talk,” Julie said again, following Nate down the sidewalk. “Or maybe you just need to listen. Can you stop?”
“Nope.” His son loved him. He’d gladly give him anything he wanted at El Rosal. “I’m a man on a mission for nach-cream.”
“Nach-cream,” Duke echoed.
El Rosal was empty. Everyone in town was still over at the church arguing about who would be sheriff. Arturo was behind the bar polishing glasses and listening to the loud pop music. Nate asked for an order of nachos and ice cream. And then his joy dissolved somewhat as he realized the only l word that was likely to come up during his conversation with Julie was loathe.
“You can’t leave Harmony Valley,” Julie said when they’d been seated in a booth. “This town needs you and you need it more than I do.”
Nate shook his head. “You need a safer job if you’re going to raise Duke.”
“I don’t plan to return to the force.” She selected a straw from a jar in the center of the table and unwrapped it, coiling the empty wrapper around her finger.
“But still. You need Duke.” Nate stopped short of saying Julie needed Duke more than he did. He gazed at Duke with his heart in his throat. He was pretty darn sure his father had never looked at him with love in his eyes.
“These are the custody papers.” Julie pulled them from her backpack. She looked at them, looked at Nate, and then she tore them up. “A boy needs his father.”
Nate was speechless.
Ice cream was delivered. Nachos were promised next. And still, they didn’t speak to each other. Duke ate ice cream and they let it drip everywhere.
Words. Nate hadn’t spoken out enough in his life. Not when his father walked away. And not when Julie walked away.
“Jules.” Nate took her hand and slid closer. “You came here to find justice for April. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you’d planned.” He was sorry he hadn’t been good enough for her. But there’d be time enough for self-pity later.
“Let’s be clear. I came here wanting justice for myself.” Julie looked at everything but Nate. And yet, she didn’t yank her hand from his. “April made peace with her feelings the moment she held Duke in her arms. The Daddy Test wasn’t for you. I know that now. It was for me to get to know you.”
“But...”
“My sister was a saint. You hurt her and so did I, even if we didn’t mean to, even if you and I weren’t in love back then.” Julie’s gaze slid away, along with the strength in her voice. “Despite that, April knew what she wanted. She wanted Duke to have two parents. She wanted me to fall in love with you.” Julie put the worry stone on the table.
“It didn’t work.” Nate reached for it, letting her hand go. Letting her go.
Julie covered his hand with both of hers. And finally, she looked him in the eyes. “It did work. I just had to be reminded that loving sometimes involves forgiving. How could I not forgive you when April forgave me?”
Nate didn’t dare breathe or speak or move. Was Julie saying she loved him? Was she saying there was hope?
Duke used melted ice cream to finger-paint the table.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” Julie’s words were strong and demanding, but there was vulnerability in her eyes. And there were her hands covering his on the table.
Nate shook his head, and then he blurted, “Everything I said today turned out wrong. Don’t ask me to speak. Don’t ask me to say anything. I’ll just crush whatever hope there is for us.”
“Okay.” A light smile played across Julie’s lips. “I’ll talk and you listen.”
He nodded.
“I had a long talk with Terrance today. Turns out he’s not only a well of wisdom about love...” She cleared her throat, casting a bit of doubt on the old man’s knowledge. “But he was also a private investigator, which is a career path that helps people obtain justice.”
“Sometimes,” Nate allowed. “No one can guarantee justice. There’s the burden of proof. The abilities of the lawyers. And—”
“Nate.” Julie raised her brows. “Are you speaking or being silent?”
“Silent.” He’d never speak again if Julie gave him a chance to love her.
Julie looked like she didn’t believe he could stay silent and the more she smiled at him, the more Nate was inclined to agree with her. He wanted to talk. He needed to say what he was feeling.
“Duke love Juju.” Duke beat Nate to the punch, dragging his ice cream–covered fingers over his face. “Duke love Nay.”
“I want to date you, Jules.” So much for Nate being silent.
“With your intentions being...” Julie smiled openly now. If Nate didn’t know better, he’d say there was love in her eyes.
“My intentions...” Nate hesitated. He’d never said those words out loud and meant them with all his heart. “My intentions are love, honor and marriage.”
Julie beamed at his words and said coyly, “I have to tell you, I’m a little gun-shy.”
Nate loved it when she made a pun. But until they exchanged vows and signed papers, he wouldn’t blame her for doubting him. “We’ll go slow. We’ll be sure.”
Julie nodded. And then she nodded toward the window. “The town council just pulled up. I think they’re going to beg you to take your job back.”
“They can wait.” Nate moved closer to the woman who’d staved off rain clouds. He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I love you. I will always love you.”
“Luv you Nay.” Duke wiped ice cream on his hair. “Luv you Juju.”
“I love you, little man,” Julie said. And then she took Nate’s palm and pressed it to her cheek. “I love you, too, Nate.”
The doors to El Rosal flung open. Loud voices rose above the music. They’d be surrounded by townspeople soon. And there was Doris, trying to elbow Agnes aside.
Julie knew their private moment was coming to an end. She pressed a quick kiss to Nate’s lips, one that promised more to come. “I’ve been thinking about what kind of wedding I want.”
“Really?” Nate hadn’t gotten past the joy of the moment to logistics.
She nodded again. “Nothing too fancy or too formal.”
Nothing like what he and April had planned. Nate nodded. “Whatever you want.”
Julie’s gaze turned tender. She drew Nate closer. “But I think a bride needs a really great dress.”
He nodded again, numbly, because having Julie near and talking marriage had truly silenced him this time.
The leaders of Harmony Valley approached with conciliatory smiles and determination in their eyes.
Julie pressed her cheek to Nate’s and whispered in his ear, “How do you feel about a pink wedding dress?”