Chapter Fifteen #3
“You don’t have to say anything,” Rory said.
It didn’t surprise Ivan that he’d picked up on his uncertainty.
They were oddly in tune with each other.
“I know everything I need to about you, Ivan. Your character is on display in everything you do.” He gestured to the surrounding hives.
“Honeyland is a testament to how much everyone adores you on this ranch, and you don’t cultivate those types of relationships by being a bad person.
Your past can stay just that…your past.”
Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Ivan probably recognized how much his found family loved him, but he really felt their love at that moment with Rory. Pointing out everyone’s contributions validated what he’d felt in his soul, and he finally knew where and how he wanted to start his story.
“I didn’t like myself for a long time. In fact, I spent much of my life hating myself,” Ivan said.
Rory’s fingers tightened around his, but he said nothing.
“I suspected I was different from the other boys around age eleven and was certain of it by thirteen.” Ivan didn’t laugh because the memories weren’t funny.
Eighteen years had passed since his first boy-induced boner and the shameful crying that had ensued afterward.
It still hurt to remember how lonely and scared he’d been.
Ivan didn’t push away the memories; he embraced them the way he wished he could hug that confused kid.
If only he could somehow go back in time and whisper in young Ivan’s ear that everything would turn out okay.
Rory must’ve mistaken Ivan’s silence as hesitance or regret because he stopped and tugged Ivan’s hand so he’d do the same.
Turbulent blue eyes stared up at him, and Ivan desperately wanted to soothe the rough waters.
He pulled Rory into his arms and kissed him right there in the middle of Honeyland.
Ivan’s heartbeat sped up as it always did when Rory was nearby, and the pounding seemed to knock something loose in his chest. A chink in his armor, perhaps, making him feel lighter and more open.
He palmed Rory’s head and deepened the kiss, and he could practically hear his inner thirteen-year-old weeping with joy instead of shame and fear.
Tears of relief stung the back of Ivan’s eyes, but they didn’t spill down his cheeks when he broke the kiss and met Rory’s worried gaze.
“I want to do this,” Ivan assured him. But he needed to burn off some excess energy, so he continued the walk among the hive clusters, hand in hand with Rory.
“We attended a very strict church where sins-of-the-flesh sermons were a weekly thing. The pastor made his views on homosexuality very clear, so I silently hated myself while worrying that people could read the shame on my face. My parents never spoke about homosexuality—for or against it—so I assumed they agreed with the pastor’s views.
I thought my parents would hate me and cast me out of the family like the pastor preached, so I fluctuated between ignoring who I was and pretending it wasn’t real.
Schoolwork, farm chores, and football became my existence.
I didn’t date, but my parents would simply remark that I was too focused on building a future when asked why I didn’t have a girlfriend.
” Ivan leaned toward Rory. “It also helped that I was an awkward, red-headed giant. The girls weren’t exactly beating a path to get to me. ”
“They were fools. Luckily for you, I wasn’t around,” Rory said. “I would’ve charmed your parents in their living room, then coaxed you out of your overalls in your bedroom.”
Ivan snorted. “I didn’t wear overalls.”
“Pity,” Rory said with a sigh. “Are there any back in the store?”
“If not, I know where to get my hands on some.”
“Yessss,” Rory hissed. “Now get on with the trauma so I can kiss it all better.” His tone was matter of fact, not flippant. Rory believed he could make Ivan’s pain better, and the hell of it was, Ivan believed he could too.
“I had high expectations for college,” Ivan told him. “After earning a full-ride scholarship to play football, I majored in agricultural studies. I thought I’d meet the girl who would fix the parts of me that were broken, and I expected my classes would reinforce what I knew about farming.”
“That didn’t happen?”
Ivan chuckled. “I met a boy who made me think being broken wasn’t so bad, and I discovered alternate ways of farming.
The term sustainable agriculture is pretty common now, but it wasn’t as well known back then nor was it welcomed by my father.
We butted heads over it during phone calls and visits home, and a chasm grew between me and my folks.
I can see now that I was bracing myself for their rejection when they found out I was gay. ”
“You pushed them away before they could cast you out?” Rory asked.
“Yeah, I think that’s fair to say.” Ivan took a deep breath.
“It never occurred to me to give my parents the benefit of the doubt. My phone calls and trips home became fewer and fewer as my infatuation with Curt Shepherd grew.” Rory stiffened, and Ivan used their connection to tug him closer.
Ivan released Rory’s hand to wrap an arm around his waist. “Don’t get jealous. I’m here with you.”
Rory sighed heavily. “Sorry.”
“I’m not. I like that you care.” Ivan pressed a kiss to the top of his head, then kept the conversation going before they got sidetracked.
“Curt and I were very careful because neither of us were out to our families. His folks aren’t as rich as yours, but they’re well off and very connected at the university.
Anyway, we attended a party at a house off campus a few months before graduation.
We both had a little too much to drink, got careless, and forgot to lock the door of the bedroom we stumbled into upstairs.
You know how quickly people whip out their phones to take pictures or videos, even drunk or high. ”
“No, no, no,” Rory whispered. He stopped and turned into Ivan’s body, hugging him tight. “I’m so sorry.”
Bile churned in Ivan’s stomach, but he’d come this far, and Rory’s embrace helped ease the hurt the memories caused.
“The fallout was a nightmare. The football team shunned me. One asshole was so offended that he made sure every person on campus saw the pictures or brief video of Curt on his knees with my dick in his mouth.” Ivan puffed up his cheeks and exhaled slowly, bracing himself to get through the worst part.
“I got harassed some, but my size kept most reactions to silent sneers or passing jeers. But Curt…” Ivan shook his head as awful images flooded his mind.
He reminded himself that he’d just seen the man.
He was happy, healthy, and had a family.
“No one tracked down my parents in Kansas to tell them I was queer, but Curt’s family found out right away through their connections at the college.
They were very upset and said hurtful things to Curt, and he… ”
“Oh no,” Rory said, his handsome face stricken with worry for a person he didn’t even know. Tears of sorrow filled his eyes for a man he’d been jealous of just moments prior.
“He survived,” Ivan rushed to assure him.
“Curt had stopped taking my calls right after the incident, but I got a sick feeling in my gut when he stopped going to classes too. I checked on him and found he’d intentionally overdosed on something he’d scored on campus.
He was still alive but barely. The paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital, but his folks wouldn’t let me see him during any phase of his recovery, and he never came back to school.
I hadn’t seen him until I ran into him on the street Friday night. ”
“I’m so sorry, Ivan.” If Rory hugged him any tighter, he’d strangle the breath right out of him.
“His husband hugged me so tight and thanked me over and over for saving his life. Curt didn’t bring up the incident, but I saw what I needed to in his eyes.
Maybe getting this out in the open will help me heal and move past it.
” Ivan took another deep breath for courage.
“This asshole on campus, Danny, ran his mouth around school about how the world nearly had one less…” Ivan let his words trail off.
He wouldn’t allow himself to think about the slur, let alone speak it.
“I get the drift,” Rory said. “You don’t have to repeat it.”
“Some people say words are just words, a formation of letters that don’t hold any kind of power.”
“Bullshit.” Rory could pack a fuckton of vehemence into two syllables.
“Anyway, Danny was stupid enough to say that shit in front of me. His bullying had taken something precious from me, and I wanted to return the favor. So I took a baseball bat to Danny’s brand-new Mustang in a fit of righteous rage.
His parents had bought it for him as an early graduation present, and the smug fucker thought he was the big man on campus.
When I finished, it was a mangled heap of blue metal.
Several people caught everything on their phones, but I wasn’t the least bit sorry about it.
I provided a running commentary for the gathered audience, letting Danny, the school, and God know what I thought about them. ”
“And you got arrested,” Rory said.
Ivan nodded. “For criminal mischief. The value of the totaled car made it a third-degree felony. I plead guilty because it was the right thing to do. The prosecutor played the video before sentencing. I looked like a raving lunatic in the footage, and the judge agreed. I was wholly unrepentant and so fucking bitter, and he gave me the maximum sentence.”
“Which was?”