Chapter Ten Annabel #2
Just then our waitress appeared with our salads. At the sight of the overflowing plate, my stomach growled loudly enough for Rev to hear, which caused him to chuckle.
Once we were alone again, I was suddenly overwhelmed when I realized I had just accused him of flirting.
After everything I had gone through, how could I possibly think of teasing a man about flirting?
Least of all Rev. Not only did it go against the bond of friendship we had established, but it was probably insulting to a man like him.
Considering how good-looking he was, never mind what a sweet side he hid, I’m sure he had a constant string of women interested in him, whether or not he reciprocated the attention.
He certainly didn’t need a physical and emotional mess like me.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I lied, as I shoved a large bite of salad into my mouth.
Rev’s fork stilled on his plate. “Something was bothering you. Your whole expression just darkened, not to mention your brows are all tense.”
I swallowed hard. After taking a sip of Coke, I finally looked at him. “I was just wondering what was wrong with me for even mentioning flirting.”
“What was so wrong with that? You were just teasing me.”
I pushed some of the salad around on my plate. “I have these thoughts about the things I shouldn’t say and do after what I’ve been through. Things that could be misconstrued as inappropriate and wrong. Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re not.”
Rev chewed thoughtfully for a moment before he spoke. “Annabel, there isn’t a handbook for people like us. They don’t make the ‘Dos and Don’ts after You’ve Been Raped by a Drifter or Kidnapped as a Sex Slave.’”
Just the mention of the word “sex slave” caused me to shudder in revulsion. But it was the truth—it was who I was now.
A former sex slave.
After all my trauma, I certainly couldn’t be squeamish about it now.
It didn’t have to define who I was, but there was no denying it was a part of me.
Somehow that title was also dictating to me how I should feel and act, which in the end felt like another form of enslavement.
That would be the prime reason why a man like Rev would not be flirting with the likes of me.
While I was lost in my thoughts, Rev reached across the table for my hand.
He squeezed it, jostling me out of my musings.
“You have to do what is best for you, what makes you happy. You can’t worry whether it’s what someone else in your shoes would do.
You are your own person, and you hold the keys to your healing. ”
Although his words made perfect sense, it was hard to believe them. “Maybe.”
“Are you afraid someone is going to judge you?”
I nodded as tears filled my eyes. “Like someone would think I was sick and disgusting for even being able to have those kind of thoughts after what I experienced with Mendoza.”
“No one should think you to be nun the rest of your life simply because you were raped.”
My lip curled in disgust. “But to be joking with you like that so soon? Doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me? I should find men repulsive and the thought of sex revolting.”
Rev shook his head. “It just means the old you is slowly finding its way back to the new you. Even if the two never totally merge again, you can’t be so hard on yourself. We can’t help how we feel.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Take death for example. Everyone grieves differently. Just because someone isn’t weeping uncontrollably, it doesn’t mean they loved the deceased less than someone who is crying and screaming.
We all handle emotions differently. Just like you can’t tell someone the right way or wrong way to grieve, you can’t tell them how to handle life post sexual abuse. ”
I tried to digest Rev’s words. They seemed so easy to accept, logical, when they were coming from him.
But in my warped frame of mind, I could say the same thing he had and still not believe it.
I had hope that one day I would be okay with how I felt, but for now, I knew I had a long, long way to go.
After our waitress brought us our plates, Rev asked, “Are you okay now?” Even though I wasn’t, I nodded. “You don’t have to lie to me, Annabel.”
With a sigh, I picked up my knife and fork and began cutting into my steak. “Fine. I’m not okay because I know that even if I stop worrying about it right now, it’s going to come up again.”
“When it does, just push it away.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know it is because I’ve been there before myself.”
“Really?”
He fidgeted in his seat. “Yeah, I have.”
“So how did you handle it?”
Rev groaned. “Why do you have to have an example? Can’t you just trust me on this one?”
I shrugged. “I guess I just have to have concrete examples. Call it the scientist in me.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure this one will help,” Rev muttered.
He momentarily closed his eyes like he was trying to gather his strength.
“Okay, fine. Here it is. I thought I was completely sick and twisted whenever I got erections after my attack. I turned twelve a few months later and was a preteen boy who couldn’t help what his body was doing.
But in my head, I thought it was me being perverted and wanting something I shouldn’t. ”
“Oh,” I murmured, trying not to let my mortification reach my cheeks. I then proceeded to try to look anywhere but at Rev.
“See, I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” he mumbled.
“I know. Trust me, I’m sorry I pressed you for the information.”
After a few seconds of embarrassment hung over the table, a laugh came bursting out of me before I could stop myself. When I finally dared to look over at Rev, he was staring wide-eyed at me.
I continued laughing, unable to catch my breath. It was like some emotional dam had broken within me, and this was the way everything was getting out. It sure beat crying.
“Annabel?” Rev questioned cautiously once I got a hold of myself.
I dabbed my eyes with a napkin. “I’m sorry. I guess it was just the absurdity of the moment. Here I am having a breakdown because I had been thinking we were flirting with each other, not to mention we are two mature adults who just died a thousand deaths from talking about erections.”
When Rev realized I hadn’t totally lost my mind, he grinned. “Totally uptight.”
“Yes, uptight seems to sum up exactly how I’ve been reacting to my feelings. I’m going to take your advice and push the thoughts away. Most of all, I want to lighten up. Despite what happened to me, I’m lucky to have gotten out of there.”
“More than anything, you need to be kind to yourself.” After taking a sip of tea, he said, “I know when you asked what the plans were when we get to Georgia, I said it was up to you.”
“You did.”
“I would make one suggestion. It’s one I hope you will take.”
He certainly had my interest peaked. “What is it?”
“I want you to see a therapist as soon as possible.”
My stomach churned a little at the prospect.
It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in seeing a therapist. It was just that I didn't want to dredge up everything that had happened to me and relive it with a perfect stranger. At the same time, I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the fallout of emotional issues I tried to bury.
So I nodded at Rev. “Yes, I will.”
I could tell he was a little surprised at how easily I consented to his suggestion. “My sister-in-law is a teacher. She works closely with a lot of healthcare professionals. I can ask her to recommend one without going into your story.”
“Thank you, Rev. I would appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome.” He then jerked his chin at my plate. “Now eat some more steak.”
Despite rolling my eyes, I didn’t bother arguing with him. Instead, I chowed down on my steak and sweet potato, which were delicious. I managed to put a lot away until my overloaded stomach began to protest. I sat my fork and knife down on the plate and eased back in the booth.
Rev motioned out the window. “Look.”
I followed his gaze across the street from the diner where the twinkling, multicolored lights of a small carnival, including a Ferris wheel, stretched high into the sky.
“When we were kids, Bishop and I couldn’t wait each year for the fair to come to town. It was set up just down the road from us, and we used to save our money up so we could go every night.”
I smiled at him. “Sounds like fun.”
His brows show up. “Did you ever go to a fair as a kid?”
Shaking my head, I replied, “I always wanted to go, but my parents…” I grimaced as their words echoed through my head.
“What?”
I twisted my napkin in my lap. “My parents said only trashy people went to the fair, and I would catch something from them.”
Rev barked out a humorless laugh. “Well, I’m pretty sure they were right about my family’s status, but we never spread any diseases.”
I stared down at my plate, wishing I had answered him differently.
At that moment, I hated my parents even more.
I hated their hypocrisy of acting like they cared for the poor by having a thousand dollar a plate fundraisers, but at the same time, they stared down their noses at anyone not in their social class.
Even though it wasn’t the sufficient apology he deserved, I whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“But—”
Rev shook his head. “You’re not your parents, Annabel.”
“I know.”
“Good.” He reached around to get his wallet out of his pants. After tossing out some bills, he grinned at me. “I think it’s time you went to your first carnival.”
“Seriously?”
“Sure.”
“But since I’m still healing, I can’t ride anything.”
“We can still walk around and take in the sights.”
I had to admit the prospect definitely excited me. “Are you sure we have time?”
Rev smiled. “We’ll make time.”
I laughed. “Okay, let’s do it!”