Chapter 2
S itting at the desk in her Manhattan hotel room early the next morning, Emilie drummed her fingers restlessly on the keyboard of her laptop as she tried to figure out what to write. Yesterday and today were her days off from the club she managed, and she and Becca had arrived in New York yesterday morning on the red-eye. Becca wasn’t just her boss and the owner of Club Inferno, she was also one of Emilie’s few confidantes. Though she couldn’t tell her everything, she trusted her with a lot and was grateful for her companionship during the prison visit. Afterwards, when Becca had gone to the Westchester home she shared with her husband when they weren’t in Las Vegas, Emilie had gotten online and found a flight leaving for London this afternoon. She had no idea when she would be able to come back; if the authorities were looking for her, she might even be apprehended at the airport. She wasn’t sure what to expect, but she needed to leave some kind of message for both Becca and Viggo .
Sighing, she opened the email program and started the note to Becca first .
Hey. Thanks for coming with me yesterday—you have no idea how much I appreciate it. My conversation with Therese reminded me that I have some unfinished business in Europe, and I’m leaving today. I apologize for not giving you any warning, but this is important. I’m not sure how long I’ll be away, so I’m okay with you not paying me while I’m gone and I hope you can forgive me for being vague. You’re my best friend and I hate not confiding in you, but you know I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Please don’t worry, I just have to sort through some things. I’ll call soon, I promise. Give me a little time to figure out what I’m doing—I need to be away from everyone and everything in order to do that. Thanks for being my friend. Love, Em .
She read it several times before hitting send. Then she opened another message and sighed. What to say to Viggo was harder because although they were no longer married, they were extremely close and were raising their daughter, Simone, together. He would know something was going on because there was no reason for her to disappear like this. He would undoubtedly be worried, but she couldn’t help that. She’d already sent her brother Karl a note, saying she was going to Europe for a few weeks for vacation. Since their mother was in Las Vegas right now helping with Karl’s newborn twins, instead of home in Sweden, Emilie didn’t have to worry about her expecting a visit. Her other brother, her fraternal twin Sebastian, would most likely make a fuss if he realized she’d disappeared but she was counting on no one telling him just yet. It was just Viggo that would be a problem .
Hello, love. I wanted to let you know I’m taking some time for myself. I’ll be traveling around Europe, hoping to clear my head. It’s not about us, the divorce, or you and Jamie. You know I adore both of you! It’s just time for me to come to terms with the past. Therapy hasn’t been a big help but it made me realize how far I’ve begun to spiral. I need a different kind of help, and part of that is finding closure on a few things. I can’t explain it properly, so I’m asking you to give me a month or so to try to find answers. I won’t leave you hanging with Simone, but I’m not sure when I’ll be home. Please don’t tell Karl or Mama the truth—they think I’m on vacation and it’s easier this way. I’ll stay in touch. You can send a text if you need something or if anything comes up with the baby. I won’t have cell service all the time, but I’ll make sure to check my phone once a day. Give my love to Jamie and good luck with the rest of the trial. Em .
She hit send and slowly closed the laptop. Tomorrow would be the beginning of the end of her past; she would make sure of it. Somehow, she would find peace for what she’d done and if that meant going to prison, she was okay with it. She regretted possibly being away from her daughter for a long time, but Viggo and Jamie were good, loving men who would take care of her. When it was all said and done, she couldn’t live like this anymore. Somehow, she had to be free of the guilt, the memories and the fear of discovery. It had been haunting her for eight years and she realized now almost all the bad decisions she’d made back then had been because of what she’d done, or what she feared she’d done, in London. It was time to put that behind her, even if it meant giving up her freedom .
A few days later, Emilie sat in the London townhouse of a man she’d known for nearly a decade. Sitting across from him, she thought her old friend looked tired. Warren Bern was a good man, and she trusted him implicitly, even though she hadn’t seen him in several years. In his mid-70s now, he was still handsome but something had changed since she’d seen him last. Running a sex club obviously kept him young, but the lines around his eyes had deepened, he’d lost far too much weight, and there was something almost gaunt about him. She felt a flicker of concern as he paused to cough several times during their conversation .
“Are you all right?” she asked gently, frowning .
He scowled. “It’s a tickle, love. Nothing to worry about—no need to mother me .”
She rolled her eyes. “You’ve parented me enough times; it seems to be my turn .”
Now he rolled his eyes. “Not even a chance, little one .”
She grinned. Though he was a well-known, experienced dom in the BDSM world, they didn’t have that kind of relationship. He’d met her at one of her brother’s hockey games when she was just 17 and had given her a pass to his club for her 18th birthday. He’d even paid for her ticket to London from Stockholm, although there had been no sex involved. He’d said he simply wanted to expose her to something she might enjoy because there had been no doubt she was already sexually active. Emilie had fallen into the role of a dominatrix naturally, and he’d made sure to let her explore every aspect of the lifestyle under his supervision. He’d never participated in her sexual exploits, but he’d overseen everyone she was with in the beginning, making sure her exposure to BDSM was a healthy and positive one. Fortunately, he had no idea how far off course she’d veered over the years .
“The wheels in your mind are spinning so fast I can practically see them turning,” he said softly, gazing into her bright blue eyes with his tired brown ones .
“I need a favor,” she said after a moment. “But I’m struggling with how to ask .”
He frowned. “You’re afraid to ask me for something ?”
“Not afraid,” she shook her head. “ Embarrassed .”
He cocked his head. “Considering the lifestyle I live, what I do for a living and how long we’ve known each other, I’m almost afraid to ask what could possibly embarrass you or me .”
She looked down. “Will you allow me to be your slave for a short time ?”
His mouth fell open and he blinked rapidly. Then a loud, bellowing laugh escaped his belly as he threw his head back. “Okay, you got me! It was a good one, too .”
She shook her head rapidly. “No, Warren, you don’t understand .”
“I’m 74 years old and you’re like the child I never had, despite the fact that I’ve watched you have sex dozens of times. But I did that so I could assure myself you were being trained properly! It isn’t the same as actually having relations with you myself—that’s a line I would never cross! What on earth are you going on about?” His clipped British accent got more distinct as he became obviously agitated .
“I know, but there’s no one else I trust .”
“Emilie, even if I was willing, and I assure you I’m not, we’re both dominant. Though you’ve been a switch in recent years, at your core you’re as much a dom as I am.” A switch referred to the BDSM term for someone who could be either a dominant or a submissive .
She averted her gaze. “I need to do this. I can’t keep going the way I’ve been.” She got up and began to unbutton her blouse .
“Emilie.” His voice was a quiet but firm protest .
“This isn’t what you think,” she said with a shake of her head. “I only want to show you what happened .”
He frowned but nodded as she dropped her blouse. She heard his soft gasp as he practically leapt from his chair, coming around the desk to stand behind her. “Emilie, what have you done?” He ran gentle fingers over the ugly purple bruises that had begun to form on her skin .
“I got carried away .”
“ You got carried away?! Who did this to you? Someone in the scene here in London? I want a name .”
“Not his fault,” she whispered. “He’s a novice and I offered to work with him for the evening—his master had the flu—and I ordered him to do it .”
“You ordered him to beat you until he broke the skin and left marks like this ?!”
She nodded, rapidly blinking away tears as she pulled her shirt back on. “You don’t understand; this is the only way I get relief. Not even release anymore—just relief .”
“Relief from what, dearest one?” He put his big hand on her cheek and cupped it almost lovingly. “What could be so bad that you seek this kind of pain ?”
She swallowed. “It doesn’t matter. I just need to find another solution before it consumes me .”
“It does matter and I won’t allow it. I’ll lock you in my personal dungeon here at the house before I allow this to continue!” His eyes darkened angrily. “You may be a dominant, but you’re not stronger than I am. I can and will force you to stop .”
“I want to stop,” she whispered. “I just don’t know how. The emotional turmoil bottles up until I can’t stand it and then I look for relief any way I can find it .”
“Emilie, that’s not what this lifestyle is about. You know that .”
“Yes, but it’s short-term, until I can sort out this… issue .”
“What issue? Whatever it is that has you twisted inside will still be here at the end of every day .”
“I got married and had a child and that didn’t help. I’ve been in therapy for months and it’s not helping. I have a fantastic job making a great deal of money and that makes no difference either. I can’t find any relief from the guilt, and I’m afraid I’m going to let someone hurt me badly. Maybe even permanently .”
“What could you possibly have done that was so terrible?” he asked .
She shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I can’t, Warren. I can’t tell anyone until I sort it out inside me first .”
“Did you tell your therapist ?”
She shook her head no .
“Then perhaps this is why she couldn’t help you .”
She looked down, so despondent it nearly broke his heart. “Sweetheart, you know I’d do almost anything for you, but what you’re asking… I can’t. Even if I wanted to. There’s cancer. I can’t perform, and to humiliate you just for the sake of watching—not with you, little one .”
Her eyes widened and she was momentarily distracted from her troubles. “Cancer?! Warren! Why didn’t you tell me? How bad? Oh my God !”
“I had surgery and I’m doing everything the doctors tell me. They think they got it all, but I haven’t had an erection in over a year .”
“I don’t care about that!” she hissed. “I only care about you !”
He smiled. “You may not care, but it’s been a bloody nightmare for me !”
She smiled unwittingly. “I can imagine, but still—can’t they do anything ?”
“At my age?” He shrugged. “I haven’t the faintest idea and, frankly, that’s way down on my list—I don’t want to die. Unlike you .”
She flushed. “That’s not my intention. I simply have a lot to answer for and the guilt is getting the best of me .”
“You want me to allow you to be humiliated and used as a slave because this will assuage your guilt ?”
“It will distract me. Once I give over control to a master I won’t be able to think about my own issues. It will be all about what he wants, which gives me a temporary reprieve .”
“Why not just do whatever it is you’re going to do—why add this step ?”
“Because I deserve it,” she whispered .
He sighed heavily, at war with himself. A sex slave and humiliation rituals were nothing new. Some women actually enjoyed them, but as a strong, dominant woman, Emilie most likely would not. She was punishing herself for something and using her involvement in the BDSM world for something it wasn’t meant for. Yet her desperation tugged at him, and he understood the need for relief .
“Please, Warren. There is no one else I trust like this and until I find the answers I need, I feel so much shame! You must know someone who would be willing to humiliate me—even if it was just once .”
“Of course I know people, but I wouldn’t dream of leaving you there alone, and to watch that…” He scowled. “You’re not just some random member of my club—you’re my friend .”
“And I’m asking you, as my friend, to help me. Afterwards, I’ll be searching for the answers I need to make this go away .”
“I could help you with that more easily .”
“No. I have to do this on my own.” She looked away. “Maybe I should just go to the police and turn myself in .”
“You’ve been sending me pictures of your little girl for how long now, Em? A year ?”
She nodded, pulling out her phone and opening a picture. “She’s 15 months .”
“And she’s with her father ?”
“Yes. It’s summer so Viggo isn’t playing hockey. He’s with a partner now, and they’re both wonderful with her .”
He stared at the picture for a long moment. “If you go to the police and they arrest you, what will happen to Simone ?”
“Her two fathers will take good care of her,” she whispered .
“Won’t you tell me what you’ve done so I can perhaps find a way around — ”
“No! I’ve found a way around it for eight years! No more. I have to face it .”
“And what of your daughter? Even with the world’s best father, she’ll miss her mother. A little girl needs a mum and a dad .”
“I know, but she needs a healthy mum, and that’s not me. I’m far from healthy emotionally .”
“Emilie, I will agree to this for a very short period of time, but you will—you must—try to sort out your situation. If you don’t find a solution, or tell me exactly what it is you’ve done, I will end it. Do you understand ?”
She swallowed. “ Yes .”
“Tell me something, little one.” He sat back in his oversized leather chair and narrowed his eyes. “Look at me .”
She met his gaze. “What do you want to know ?”
“Do you believe a few days or weeks of pain, submission, humiliation—all of that—will change anything? If you’ve committed a crime, you’ll still go to jail. If you haven’t, it will be a big waste. And if it’s something in the middle, what do you hope to gain ?”
“Punishment just feels fitting,” she whispered .
“Then I’ll ask again—why not go straight to the police and turn yourself in ?”
She swallowed. “Because I’m more afraid of that than this .”
Warren hesitated. He had the means to find out what she was hiding and he would use every tool available to him to do so. In the meantime, he was loath to allow her to do this, but he could tell she was determined. If he didn’t deliver what she wanted in a safe setting, she would undoubtedly find strangers to do it, and that would be more dangerous than anything he could provide for her. “You get a few days, Emilie. Then this insanity ends—do you understand ?”
She nodded .
“All right. I have to make some calls, but in the meantime, how about spending the day with a perverted old man who wants a sexy 25-year-old on his arm to show off to his mates ?”
She actually smiled, her face lighting up for the first time. “I’m turning 27 soon, but I would love that. I’d like to freshen up a bit first. May I use your powder room ?”
“Of course.” He nodded and watched her disappear into the bathroom. Quickly, before she came out, he sent an email to a mutual friend. Perhaps it was time for more than one of his young friends to exorcise their demons, giving him the opportunity to exorcise a few of his own .