Chapter 1
CHAPTER 1
They’d both been quiet on the drive from the airport to Rawhide Ranch, just listening to music as the gorgeous, snowy mountain scenery flashed by. He’d played a lot of their old favorites: a little classic Johnny Cash and Patsy Kline, some of the New Wave they both still loved, like The Cars and David Bowie, and Rubi’s favorite Duran Duran songs. It had given Logan time to think. Not that he hadn’t been thinking for the last month, ever since they’d made their reservation.
Montana in February was beautiful, if a lot colder than they were used to at home in Texas. The rolling hills set against a backdrop of rugged mountains were covered in a layer of white, punctuated by the snow-tipped evergreen trees lining the road. By the time they rolled up to the big gates of Rawhide Ranch, he’d thought over all of the conversations that had led to them coming here. He thought about how much was at risk if they couldn’t find a way back to each other. They couldn’t continue to exist in this strange space where they moved through the house together as if they barely knew each other.
This has to work .
He slowed to a stop in front of the iron gates and lowered the window. A burly man leaned out the door of the small security booth.
“Hi there. How can I help you folks?”
“We’re Logan and Rubi Shaw. We have a reservation,” Logan answered, holding out the printed paperwork the Ranch had sent him, as well as both their IDs.
The guard took it and tapped something into a small laptop, then handed their ID cards back. “Yep, you’re all good to go. Just follow the road up to the main lodge, and park in front. I’ll call ahead, and someone will be out to help you with your bags. Enjoy your stay with us, Colonel Shaw, Mrs. Shaw.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s so beautiful here,” Rubi said, the first words she’d spoken in a good hour. She often got quiet when she was nervous, and he’d learned over the years to give her that space.
“It is, isn’t it? Look at the lodge. It’s like the biggest log cabin I’ve ever seen.”
“It is. But somehow it still looks so cozy. And the scenery here is unbelievable. I think… I think I’m really going to like it here.”
He reached over and gave his wife’s hand a squeeze as he pulled to a stop. “I think we both will.”
A young man in a well-worn cowboy hat came down the wide staircase of the lodge, a smile on his face as he approached their rental car. Logan got out.
“Hi there, my name’s Dax. Welcome to Rawhide Ranch. I can grab your luggage and bring it to your room. You two can go on in and check in at the desk, and Erika will give you all the info you’ll need, and your room key. Is everything in the trunk coming inside?”
“Hi, Dax. Yes, and thanks.”
He caught Rubi’s door opening from the corner of his eye and strode over to her side of the car, clicking his tongue.
“Nope, young lady,” he told her as he reached to swing her door open and offer her his hand. “You know better.”
“Oh, but I…”
She must have seen the look in his eye because she cut off her argument right there and let him help her out. And just this tiny exchange, where there was some power play at hand, gave him a boost he hadn’t realized he’d needed—not in such a concrete way.
But yeah, this was exactly what they needed; he was certain of it now. There was nothing like a kink dynamic to really bring them back together. To reconnect them on a deep level. To bind them to each other, the way they used to be.
He escorted his wife up the wide front steps and held the door for her as she stepped inside, and he followed. The place was exactly what anyone would think a lodge in the mountains of Montana would be: rustic wood floors, beams, and pillars, with a huge open stone fireplace in the middle of the lobby, and a sense of warmth and welcome. Well, maybe not the store at one end of the lobby, where the window was filled with stuffies and adult-sized onesies, Little girl party dresses, and toy trucks—no mountain cabin he’d ever seen had such a place. But he’d known the Ranch had started primarily as a play space and school for people into ageplay before they’d opened their well-equipped dungeon to kinky folks who were into other aspects. Ageplay may not be their thing, but he loved that a place existed that was safe and free of judgment, and Rubi did, too. In fact, she’d mentioned that it made her feel even more comfortable about coming here.
They moved to the registration desk, and a petite woman with short, dark hair and a wide smile greeted them.
“Colonel and Mrs. Shaw; hi! I’m Erika. I’m Master Derek’s personal assistant, so you’ll see me around, I’m sure. Right now I’m just watching the desk for a bit. But let’s get you all checked in.” She turned to a computer screen for a moment. “Looks like all your forms are in order. Your suite is down that hallway. Do you have the map of the Ranch we sent to you via email? If not, there’s one in your room, along with a room service menu, and the list of spa services available, plus contact numbers for anything you might need during your stay.”
“I sure do,” Logan answered. “But thank you for all the info.”
“Great! And you’re very welcome. If you need anything else, you just pick up the phone and dial the desk. There’s always someone here to help. Now, here’s your room keys. Enjoy your stay, and please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.”
“Thank so much, Erika,” he said, and beside him Rubi smiled and nodded.
He took her hand in his. “Come on, babe.”
He led her down the hallway Erika had indicated and opened the door. Their room had the same rustic warmth as the rest of the lodge, with lots of wood furnishings, raw-beamed ceilings, and the big picture window had a gorgeous view of the snow-capped mountains in the distance.
He pulled Rubi in close as soon as the door closed behind them. “You okay, babe? You’re awful quiet.”
“Yes, I’m okay. This is just… a lot. I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of being in submissive space again. It’s been so long. I sort of feel like I don’t know where to start. As if I’m seeing everything—how beautiful it is here—but it’s not quite computing. It’s so hard to get out of my own head.”
“Yeah, I get that. But, babygirl, you just need to let me lead the way.”
She smiled then, and it lit up her face, her high cheekbones going pink. “You haven’t called me that in ages, Logan.”
“Maybe it’s time I start again. I only ever used that pet name for you when we were in role; when we’re Dom and sub. To be honest, it felt pretty damn good rolling off my tongue.”
“It felt good to hear it,” she said, still smiling. “I have to admit, I’ve missed it.”
Smiling down at her, he pushed a lock of her shoulder-length auburn hair behind one ear. His wife was so beautiful. He had a hard time understanding the insecurity she’d developed about her looks. He’d truly never seen a more beautiful woman, a woman he was so attracted to—he’d said that the day he met her, and that hadn’t dimmed over the years. He hoped this trip would help her to feel better about herself. Hell, it was his job to see that she did, and he didn’t intend to fail her again the way he apparently had all these years. He would kick himself for that if he thought it would do any good.
There was a knock at the door, and he stepped back to open it, finding Dax with a luggage cart behind him.
“Hope I’m not disturbing you two,” Dax apologized.
“Not at all. Come on in.”
Together they unloaded the cart and Logan tried to give him a cash tip, but Dax held both his hands up in front of him. “All taken care of. I hope you like your room. We’re always here if you need anything. Have a good evening, you two.”
Logan thanked him and shut the door behind him, then turned back to Rubi.
“Come on, baby; let’s go sit down.”
He helped her off with her coat, removed his own, and led the way to the brown leather sofa in front of the big window, and they sat. Rubi was twisting her hands together and looking up at him, her sky-blue eyes worried.
“How can we get you to relax, baby? You’re furled tight as fence wire.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to stop my head from running a hundred different scenarios, worrying about everything. This just feels so important.”
“It is important. But look, we have three weeks here to reconnect. To rediscover who we are as a couple. And I plan to do just that. You need to find a way to let go and leave everything up to me. Just like you used to.”
She nodded, but he could still see the doubt in her eyes and the tension in her shoulders.
“Let’s do some breathing exercises. Do you remember how?”
She smiled, a spark of excitement in her eyes, and it went through him like a sharp ache that hit him right in the center of his chest.
There she is . My girl .
“Yes, I remember.”
He took both her hands in his and stared into her eyes. “Breathe with me now, babygirl.”
He took in a deep breath through his nose, then blew it out slowly through his mouth, and Rubi followed his lead.
“Good, babe. Again.”
She smiled once more as they took another breath, and it made him so damn happy.
They inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, then repeated the exercise a few more times, until he saw her shoulders drop and the light come back into her face and stay there.
“One more time,” he said. “A really big breath this time.”
She did as he said, a deep, deep inhale followed by a slow exhale, and as she blew her breath out, he saw tears sheen her eyes.
“You okay, baby?”
She gave a small nod. “I think I’m just finally letting go a little bit. For the first time in a long time.”
He pulled her in and held her tight, so tightly he could feel her heart beating against his chest. And after a few moments, she turned into his neck and buried her face there, her soft breath warm on his skin.
Instantly, there was that drive to protect her. From the world. From her own feelings. Even from his.
“I hear they have a big soaking tub in the bathroom. I’m gonna run you a bubble bath, then order some dinner.”
Rubi heard the bath water running, then the scent of orange blossoms and bergamot floated out on the air. How had he snuck in her favorite bath oil?
She dug through one of her suitcases, pulled out a change of clothes, then went into the bathroom.
“Thank you, babe. I can handle it from here.”
Logan turned to her. “I’m letting you soak for a bit, then I’m coming in to bathe you.”
“Oh, but there’s no need to?—”
He laid his finger over her lips to stop her. “Babygirl, you forget what being your Dom means to me. Number one is taking care of you, something I’ve let go in the last fifteen years, or longer. But it starts again right now. And you arguing with me about it stops now, too.”
“Oh, I…” She trailed off, some long-buried part of her knowing not to try to object. And another part of her warm and tingling at the utter authority in his voice as she clamped her lips shut.
“That’s my good girl.”
Oh my .
A flood of heat made her legs go a little weak, and she bit her lip, but she knew from the sudden gleam in his eyes that he’d seen her reaction.
“If that still works on you, I think we’re gonna be just fine diving back into kink, baby.”
She smiled, temporarily unable to form words.
Oh yeah, it sure as hell still worked.
He dimmed the lights a little before leaving her to get undressed. After putting her hair up in a clip, she stepped in and sank in up to her shoulders, and the warm, scented water felt wonderful after their flight and long drive from the airport. The ache in her muscles began to melt away almost instantly, but it took a bit longer to quiet her mind.
She couldn’t shake the self-consciousness at the idea of him coming in to bathe her, seeing her aging body completely naked for the first time in a while. No matter how often he’d told her she was beautiful, those intrusive thoughts always managed to barge in, and despite the fact that he’d hit the dimmer switch, it was still far too bright for her comfort.
The bathroom door opened, but just a crack, and she heard music playing from the other room. It was an old Sade album she’d always loved, and she couldn’t believe he’d remembered. But no, that was wrong. He always remembered. He remembered the conversations they’d had when they first met. Her birthday, their anniversary. Her favorite foods. He’d brought her maple-glazed donuts, mango smoothies, and waffle fries after she’d given birth to Gabe, and then again when Maddie was born. He even remembered her beloved grandmother’s name, even though Grandma Agnes had passed before he’d had a chance to meet her, simply because she’d been so important to Rubi.
She knew they’d had a lot of really incredible times together, that their connection had once been so strong. But the years of him being gone had been hard on them. She understood that was true for most military couples, but as young as she’d been when they got married, she really hadn’t known what to expect. What it would feel like to be on her own so much, with the responsibilities of the house and the kids all on her shoulders. There had been a lot of sad, lonely nights. A lot of the kids being disappointed that their dad wasn’t there for important soccer games, school plays, and swim meets.
She wasn’t blaming him—not even for a minute. The work Logan did while overseas, then training pilots, and being in charge of many functions of the base was so important, and she was proud of him for serving their country. But his military career had taken a toll on all of them.
But so had her own insecurities. She knew that played a lot into their lack of intimacy, into why they’d lost it to begin with. It was just as much her responsibility to work through this as his, if not more. She’d have to find a way to be stronger. And despite her fears, a part of her knew she could do this, if only because Logan would be by her side.
She took a few more deep breaths, allowing herself to finally relax, melting into the warm water until it covered her up to her neck. It felt so good. She had a tub at home, but it wasn’t nearly as deep as this one, and it felt like pure decadence. The whole place did, despite the mountain lodge appearance. It was so thoroughly comfortable, with a touch of luxury she hadn’t expected. Master Derek, who ran the Ranch, had really thought of everything for his guests’ comfort.
And although she couldn’t put her finger on exactly why, there was a sense here that everything would be okay somehow. That, and her husband’s absolute willingness to repair their marriage made her feel like maybe they really could fix things, that they could be happy and deeply in love again. It made her feel as if she could let go—at least start to a little—and let him do this for her. For them. And she sensed that he needed this as much as she did.
She closed her eyes and focused on the music, humming along a bit to Sade’s No Ordinary Love . Her body was warm, cocooned by the scented water, and she felt safer than she had in a long while. She was really going loose all over, giving into the heat of the bath, when a soft knock on the door had her bolting upright and covering her breasts.
“Baby, it’s just me.”
“No. I mean—of course, yes. I-I knew it was you,” she stuttered, her heart a small hammer in her chest.
His dark brows drew together, and he strode across the room, kneeling down next to the tub. He slowly drew her hands away, and she felt so exposed, she wanted to yank her hands back to her body.
“Rubi. Baby. This is something we need to nip in the bud first thing. If we’re going to scene here in their Dungeon, you have to be okay being naked in front of me. We’ll be in a private room, as discussed, of course, but I am going to need to strip you down.”
“I am okay with it. You’re my husband,” she said, needing desperately to believe her own words. “It’s just…” She stopped, shaking her head.
“I know,” he said gently. “I know your body has changed a bit, and that you’re not happy about it.”
Tears stung her eyes. “Not ‘a bit’, Logan. A lot. My breasts are sagging. I have stretch marks. And my hips and thighs… I just feel so unattractive these days,” she admitted. “I have for a long time.”
His brows shot up. “Unattractive? Rubi, I’ve always said you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. That hasn’t changed. Not even for a moment. You were gorgeous while you were pregnant. Even more so after giving birth to our children. This body,” he said, sinking his hands into the water and tracing her waist, then down her thighs, “this body has created our kids. It was a fucking gift. And you are so much more beautiful for that.”
She shook her head, the tears falling. “No. Come on, Logan. You know that’s not true.”
He took her chin in his wet hand. “Rubi, do you really think I’m lying about that? I’ve said it to you so many times before. Did you never believe me?”
A small sob escaped her, and she tried to turn away, but he held her firmly.
“Babe,” he said softly. “You don’t believe it, do you? You never did.”
She gulped past the lump in her throat. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t work harder to show you I meant what I said. Shit. I’m so damn sorry, baby.”
He pulled her into a hug, and she tried to struggle for a brief moment, not wanting to get his shirt wet. But he didn’t seem to care. He held her in his arms, and the tears came hard and fast. They seemed to go on forever, pouring down her face while he held on to her so tight. Finally, they dried up, leaving her body jolting with still-unshed sobs and hiccups.
He kept holding her, even when she tried to pull away, and she gave into him. He wasn’t going to let her do anything else, and in some strange way that in itself was an enormous relief. The sobbing seemed to be done, and she slumped against him, completely drained.
He bathed her, then, squeezing liquid soap onto her purple bath scrubby and running it all over her body, murmuring quietly to her. She didn’t know what he said to her, only that it was comforting, reassuring. And after he rinsed her with the hand sprayer, he had her stand so he could wrap her in a thick white towel, drying her off so carefully. His actions, even more than his words, made her feel appreciated. No. Appreciation didn’t seem like the right word. He was showing her that she was precious to him.
He helped her into her pajamas, then led her to the bedroom, pulled the covers back, and tucked her in. He climbed in beside her in nothing but his boxer briefs, and he held her while she cried a little more, but the tears came gently this time. And after a while, she closed her eyes, and slept.
Only one thought was fully formed in her mind as she drifted off.
They still really loved each other. And they could do this.
At some point she woke up enough to realize he was no longer beside her, and to the aroma of a finely grilled steak wafting on the air. He came into the bedroom a moment later.
“Ah, you’re awake. That’s good because dinner is here. Are you hungry?”
“Starving,” she answered, surprising herself.
“I can bring you dinner in bed if you’d rather stay here.”
“No, I’ll get up.”
She threw the covers back, and he took her hand and helped her slide her feet into her favorite fuzzy slippers. He must have found them in her luggage and put them next to the bed.
He led her out to the main room, and the table was already set, including a glass of red wine at each place. He held her chair for her as she seated herself, then pushed it in.
“So fancy,” she remarked.
“I want this to be a real vacation for you, babe. For both of us. It’s got to be about more than fixing our marriage. We have to be able to relax, to enjoy ourselves,” he said as he sat down in the chair opposite hers.
“I really love that idea.”
He sent her a quick smile. “I thought you might. So,” he started as he cut into his steak, “I thought tomorrow we’d just hang out a bit and acclimate. Maybe head out to the stables to visit the horses, and I hear they have a petting zoo here, too.”
“Oh, I’d love to see that.”
“I thought you might. We can schedule a ride at some point, too, if you like. And then maybe just lounge a bit, take a dip in the hot tub, then tour the Dungeon.”
“Oh, I…” She paused to sip her wine. “Um, okay, yes. That sounds good.” She set her glass down and caught his gaze. “I’m sorry, Logan. I need some practice letting you lead the way. Yes, of course. Sir.”
His smile was so wide, it lit up the whole room. “Ah, that’s my good girl.”
Oh, that could still make her shiver. Even saying the word out loud made her shivery. It was exciting in a way she hadn’t felt in ages.
He’s my Sir .
Even letting it run through her mind was exhilarating. Hot as hell. And she didn’t know when the last was that she’d felt hot. But she couldn’t deny the electric current running like a gentle trembling just beneath her skin, into her belly. And lower.
Oh, yeah. Being at the Ranch was going to be a very, very good thing.