Chapter 5
CHAPTER 5
Rubi had to force herself out of dreamland; she’d slept so deeply. She blinked, then opened her eyes and turned to look at her sleeping husband.
He was so damn handsome; she’d never gotten over that. His strong jaw, now rugged with stubble. His mouth that was more lush and beautiful to her than any man’s had a right to be. His long, dark lashes as they rested against his cheekbones. The small cleft in his chin.
God, she loved this man. She’d loved him for nearly her entire adult life. And this morning, she felt that sense of absolute luck once more, that the universe had found a way to put them together all those years ago. That he wanted so much to be with her now, to find their way back to each other.
Tears stung her eyes, but there was no sadness. No, for the first time in a long while, it was because her mind, her body, were surging with hope. Because she felt so utterly connected to him.
Logan .
Even running his name through her mind gave her a small thrill, just as it had early in their relationship.
How had they forgotten?
She wanted more than anything to curl into his side and cuddle up with him, so much it was a physical ache. But knowing he was probably as worn out from their activities the night before as she was, she didn’t want to risk waking him.
She sighed and turned onto her back, but as soon as she did, his hand was wrapping around her waist and pulling her to him.
“Morning, baby.”
“Good morning,” she said, happily snuggled against him.
“How are you?” he asked.
“I’m good. So good.”
“Are you sore at all?”
“Mmm, yes, I think? But not in a bad way. In that really wonderful way I used to be.”
“And sub drop?”
“None.”
“You sure?” he asked. “You’re not crashing?”
“No, babe. I’m really, really good. What about you?”
“Me? I’m great.”
“Logan. I know Tops can drop, too. You have a few times before, even though you never quite admitted it. But I know you. I could see it. And it’s been so long since we played like that.”
“I’m good; I promise. The times I dropped a little were after some really hard scenes, but we took it fairly easy last night. And scening with you made me feel like we were bonding in that deep way again.”
“Like we used to,” she murmured, shifting to lay her head on his chest, and he slid his palm up and down her spine, stroking her skin.
And for some reason she didn’t quite understand, her eyes stung with tears again. She sniffed.
“Darlin’? What’s going on? I thought you weren’t crashing.”
“I don’t know,” she admitted.
He was quiet a moment. Then, “Do you think it’s just a sort of overload of emotions?”
She thought it over. “Yes, maybe. Probably. I mean, it’s been such a long time since we’ve connected on that level, as you said. And since we played at all. Maybe I am dropping a bit. I haven’t had that level of endorphins flood my brain in such a long time. But I’m okay. You’re here with me.”
He gave her a squeeze. “Yeah, I am. And we’re here for another few weeks. We’ll have lots of time together, just us. Or you can spend some time hanging out with your new friends.”
“I might. But right now, all I want is to be with you.”
He kissed the top of her head. “So, I think we should talk about last night. The way we used to go over our scenes the next day. Do a thorough check-in.”
“Okay. But you start while I lay here and try to re-center myself.”
“Sure, I can start. Well, it was incredible for me. Every moment of it. The way you looked in the cuffs. In that sexy-as-fuck lingerie. Jesus, babe!”
“Really?” she asked, feeling silly at the way his words made her smile.
“Hell, yeah. You were so fucking gorgeous. And so responsive. I didn’t know how you’d react to being bound, to impact play. But it almost felt as if we were back in the old days.”
“It took me a little bit to get my head into the right space to sort of… accept what was happening. To remember how. But before I knew it, subspace just hit me and there was really no fighting it.” She turned onto her side and looked up at him. “I was pretty worried about that.”
“That you wouldn’t be able to reach subspace?”
“Yes, that, and being able to take pain. To enjoy it. But I really, really did.”
“Yeah, that was pretty obvious. You were so damn wet, baby,” he said, finishing on a low growl.
She giggled and immediately felt self-conscious. “Sorry. I don’t mean to sound like some swooning teenager.”
“I really like having my wife swoon over me,” he told her, that growl still in his voice. “In fact, it makes me hard as fuck.”
“Oh, does it now?” she asked, her entire system instantly heating.
“Come here, wife,” he demanded, rolling over and shifting her body until she was under him. “I’m going to fuck you again right now.”
“Are you?” she asked, teasing him.
As if I want anything else right now.
“Mmm, yes. I’ll apologize later for my morning breath.”
“I really don’t care at the moment.”
“Good. Get ready to get railed, babygirl.”
He forced her thighs apart with his and lowered his body between them, kissing her neck before he slid his already-hard cock into her already-wet hole.
“Ohhh.”
She wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him closer as he began to pump into her. He slid his hard length into her pussy, slipped out almost to the tip, and paused before thrusting into her again, driving sensation deep. Sensation turned into some sort of shimmering electric shock, stabbing into her over and over. Pressure built inside her, higher, tighter.
When he pulled back and paused again, she whimpered, “Don’t do that to me, babe. Don’t make me wait when I need you so much.”
“You asked for it, my girl. I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”
He began a rough thrusting, slamming his cock into her hard enough to hurt. But she relished the pain, wanted it. Needed it. It made her feel possessed by him.
Owned .
Yes .
Her hips rose to meet his every thrust, and she buried her face in his neck, crying out when his teeth sank into her shoulder. But just like the hard, relentless fucking, it only made pleasure spiral higher, faster, until her body was one single sensation. It was a need so keen, so exquisite, she couldn’t separate the physical sensations from emotion.
As desire shivered through her, her clit, her insides, were one hot, pulsing organ, waiting to explode.
He whispered against her skin, “I love you, Rubi.”
His words sent her over the edge, and her climax crashed down on her, sensations so fierce her vision went black. She came so hard she was shaking with it, her pussy clamping down on his dick, and that lovely pressure sent even more pleasure through her, so that she couldn’t stop coming.
“Ahhh, Logan! God!”
He kept fucking her, his big body burning hot against hers. Then she felt his cock pulsing, and his hot cum spurting into her as he called out.
“Ah! Yeah, my baby!”
Even as he came, he kept fucking her, fucking her, and somehow she exploded again, pleasure a shattering force, fireworks going off behind her closed eyelids. He held her as she came, and they clung onto each other for a long time before Logan finally raised his head.
“Good lord, baby. You are fucking amazing.”
“Mmm, you are,” she insisted, not really having any desire to win this fight. She was learning to give herself over to him again, and this was all a part of it.
He rolled off her and pulled her in close so that her head rested on his chest. His heart was beating hard and fast beneath her cheek. She felt happier than she had in a long time.
After a while his stomach growled, and she laughed.
“Hungry, babe?”
“Starving. I woke up hungry, but then there you were, naked next to me and, well, I got distracted. Why don’t you shower while I order breakfast?”
“Okay.”
He kissed her, then pulled back the covers, and as she sat up, she suddenly had an overwhelming rush of self-consciousness. She got up as quickly as possible, glad the winter morning sun was pale, barely illuminating the room through the closed drapes, and made her way to the bathroom.
Once in the shower, she tried to figure out why that had happened, especially after their incredible night, and the amazing morning they’d just had,
“I guess old habits die hard,” she muttered to herself under the warm spray of the shower.
By the time she got out and wrapped herself in a robe, she was feeling off again. She came out to the living area of their suite, and Logan was in his pajama bottoms, looking like his sexy, fit self, and it made her feel even worse, somehow.
How would she ever be enough for this man?
He pulled out a chair for her, and she sat down.
“Coffee for you, baby, and I got pancakes this morning, plus some bacon and fruit.”
“Oh, I… just fruit for me, please,” she said.
She didn’t want to tell him that she shouldn’t be eating pancakes. That she couldn’t bear the idea of ingesting so many calories in front of her smoking-hot husband. As she sipped her coffee and picked at her fruit, her emotions began to spiral.
“You’re awfully quiet, baby,” Logan remarked.
“Mmm,” was all she said, hiding behind her coffee cup.
“Babe,” he said, his tone commanding as he took the cup from her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She blinked a few times, willing away the tears that lurked behind her lashes.
“I’m…” She stopped herself. “I was about to lie to you,” she admitted. “I was about to say I was fine, but the truth is, I’m not. I guess… I guess I am dropping a little bit.”
“Is that really it?”
His gaze was hard on hers, making her squirm. He knew her too well. And she didn’t want him to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling right now.
She just shrugged again, unable to even begin to formulate an answer.
He got up and came around to her side of the table, hugging her from behind. “Rubi. Baby. It hurts to see you like this. And I hate to know I can’t help you through it. Would it be easier to talk to someone other than me?”
“Like my sister? I’m close with Pearl, but you know I could never talk to her about… about what we’re doing here. Or any of the other military wives, either.”
“No, definitely not your sister, or the wives.”
“Then, do you mean Claudia and Reese?”
“Yeah, maybe. But they also have a good therapist here. Two, I think I read—a married couple—but I feel like you’d be more comfortable with a woman. If I can make you an appointment, would you be willing to go?”
There was so much hope in his voice she couldn’t bear to reject his suggestion, even though she wanted to bury the bad feelings. But maybe it would help.
Maybe.
She took in a deep breath, then exhaled. “Okay. I’m willing to give it a try.”
“Great. I’ll call down to the desk right now.”
Logan had walked her through the lobby and to the door of the therapy office, then given her a kiss on the cheek, telling her he’d be in the cafeteria across the hall having a snack and a cup of coffee while she was in session.
The message from Catherine Denten, one of the resident psychologists at the Ranch, had said to just go on in when she arrived, but standing outside the door, she was nervous.
She took a breath and turned the knob, then slowly pushed the door open.
“Hi, you must be Rubi.” Catherine Denten stood behind her desk but came around to greet her. She was a tall, slender woman with dark hair and dark eyes, and maybe ten years younger than Rubi. “I’m so glad to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Denten.”
She waved a hand. “Oh, call me Catherine. Can I get you anything to drink? A bottle of water? A cup of tea?”
“No, thank you. I’m fine.”
“Alright. Well, just let me know if you change your mind. Come and sit down, and let’s chat,” she said, gesturing to a pair of chairs angled to face each other.
The woman had looked a bit intimidating when she’d first walked in, but she had a soothing voice, and she was so warm and friendly—like everyone she’d met at the Ranch, really. She supposed it made sense, given that this was a safe space for the vulnerable Littles.
“So, I understand you’re here to reconnect with your husband—and him with you. Do you feel comfortable giving me a bit of your history?”
“Yes, of course.”
Over the next twenty minutes or so she gave Catherine an overview of their life together: meeting and marrying young, Logan’s time in the Air Force, her feelings as a military wife being left at home to handle their life and their children. And with a bit of assurance from Catherine that this was a safe place to discuss anything and everything, Rubi told her about their experience with kink, and where they were at now in their relationship.
“A lot of couples book time here at the Ranch to come together after a difficult situation, or the drifting apart that can happen so naturally when our lives get busy,” Catherine told her. “But you seem very open and willing to do that. Is there something else you wanted to talk about?”
“I… well, yes. I’m having a lot of trouble feeling… attractive these days. My body has changed so much. I know we all get older, and beauty fades, but my husband still looks every bit as good as he did at thirty-five. Better than he did at twenty-five.”
Catherine let out a low chuckle, but it didn’t make her feel judged at all.
“Men do seem to age differently than we do, and it’s not fair, is it?”
“Not at all!”
“They get everything—they even get to pee standing up,” Catherine said with a grin, making Rubi laugh.
“But you know, it’s not the unfairness, although I’m very much aware of it. It’s the comparison. Why would this sexy, incredibly fit guy who, at fifty, is really in his prime, find my worn out mom body attractive?”
“A lot of men find the women they love even more beautiful after bearing their children. There’s so much emotion attached to that enormous commitment you made to your lives together, to creating a family with him.”
“Logan has said pretty much the same thing.”
“Why do you think you don’t believe him?” Catherine asked gently.
Rubi shrugged. “I guess because I know what I see in the mirror.”
“And you believe what you see is more accurate than the way he sees you?”
“It’s right in front of me,” Rubi protested. “I can hardly argue with that.”
“I’m sure you’ve heard the term seeing through rose-colored glasses? What if what you see is through glasses that are tinted by your own self-doubts, skewing your perception of that reflection?”
That hit her like a small punch to the gut. Could it be true? “I guess… I guess there could be some validity to that.”
“Rubi, none of us are perfect. We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. And you’re also currently facing being an empty nester, which usually leads to a bit of an identity crisis. It’s a rough transition for most parents, and that crisis of self can bring up a whole host of doubts and insecurities. Yes, our bodies change as we get older, but different doesn’t necessarily mean less than. It’s simply different . Does that make sense?”
Rubi nodded. “It does. Although it may take a little time to really sink in.”
“That’s okay. Dealing with this stuff is a process, not a single event. And I believe part of that process is confiding in your husband how you’re feeling so he understands what’s been holding you back. Do you feel like you can do that? Do you feel that he’ll really hear you in a way that won’t make you feel judged?”
“I do. He’s very good at that. And to be honest, I need to give him more credit than I’ve been giving him. Even the fact that he found this place, that he suggested we come here to work on things while I was just walking around feeling lost.”
“That’s great. Well, not the part where you’re blaming yourself, so maybe try to let that go and forgive yourself. Because you did nothing wrong by not knowing the Ranch existed. So, how about we leave the session with a sort of little mantra to help you through the rough moments?” Catherine suggested.
“I think I’d like that.”
“Good. Okay. The next time you find yourself spiraling into those thoughts of not being young enough or pretty enough, or good enough in any way, remind yourself that your husband doesn’t lie to you. And if he says you’re beautiful through his eyes, then that’s his truth, and you can depend on it.”
“Ah, so, like he sees me through his own rose-colored glasses?”
“Yes, exactly. Through eyes tinted by a deep and abiding love.”
Rubi felt herself break into a wide smile. “I like that idea.”
“It’s more than an idea. It’s the simple truth.”
Catherine ended the session with a promise to be available again should Rubi need her, and as Rubi left her office, she felt so much better.
Through eyes tinted with love .
She could understand that. It resonated with her on a bone-deep level.
Logan was just exiting the cafeteria as she crossed the hall.
“How was your session?” he asked, brushing her cheek with a kiss.
“It was good. Very good. I feel like she really clarified some things for me.”
“Does that mean you’re feeling better?”
“Much better. I also realize I have some work to do before the feeling better really sinks in and stays. I might want to see her again while we’re here, and I think I should find a good therapist when we get home. I know you’ve seen them at the VA after difficult periods in the service, and right after you retired. I honestly don’t know why it never occurred to me to do the same. I had the support group for military wives over the years, but that really only touches on so many topics.”
“Whatever you need, baby. I’m so glad it helped. You look so much more relaxed already.”
“I am. Definitely. I feel like a weight’s been lifted from my shoulders, on several levels. Just saying a few things out loud was super helpful, and she’s such a good listener. Great with suggestions, too. This was absolutely the right thing for me. Thank you for thinking of it, for knowing me so well, babe.”
“Anything for you, darlin’.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and they moved through the main lobby. “So, they’re showing a movie tonight. It’s one of the Marvel films. I feel like your body needs some rest before we play again, and a night together just relaxing would be good for us. I was thinking a quiet dinner before the movie, then after we can get in the hot tub with a glass of wine and just chill. What do you think?”
“I think that sounds perfect.”