Chapter Nineteen #2
I shook my head, ignoring the pinpricks at the back of my eyes warning me that tears weren’t far off. In a weird way, that intrusive-video person had saved me from myself. What happened in Las Vegas was going to leave Las Vegas if I didn’t stop this now. The thought tore a bitter laugh out of me.
“Is this a bad idea?” My words sounded hoarse. I would have taken a sip of my drink if the thought didn’t turn my stomach.
“The shapes in the video?” Ethan’s voice was uncertain.
“No.” I sucked a breath in through my teeth and shut my eyes. I couldn’t see his face and do this, or I would lose my nerve. “Us.”
“Why are you saying that?”
I slowly opened my eyes to see Ethan’s jaw muscles tightening as if he was resisting the urge to say or do something while he waited for an explanation.
“There is no way this can stay a secret, and we both know it. Our grandmas could find out about us at any time. Every minute we sit here is a risk.”
“Then let them find out.” Ethan didn’t even try to deny that we were being silly. If anything, he sounded like he’d made peace with the idea that we were going to get caught. “They’ll get over it.”
“Will they, though?”
“Of course they will.” Ethan’s mouth dropped open, as if I’d asked an outrageous question. “I could see my grandma having a problem if you were an axe murderer or one of those people who try to force religious literature on her outside of a grocery store, but you’re not.”
“Maybe your grandmother would. But mine? BamBam is still actively mad at someone who said her outfit was tasteless in 1973.”
“I mean, that is rude.”
I started to laugh, then caught myself. “The point is, BamBam would not.”
Ethan’s face fell. When he spoke, all traces of humor were gone. “You can’t possibly be breaking up with me over our grandmas’ stupid feud? You know how ridiculous that sounds.”
My heart pounded in my chest, my face getting hot as resentment coursed through me.
I wanted the kind of loving family Ethan had.
The kind people in movies had. And on paper, I did.
Two parents with good jobs who wanted the best for me.
But in real life, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Their love came with a million strings attached, and their idea of what was best for me was so narrow I couldn’t even wear the wrong-colored socks without criticism.
“When you say it like that, sure, it sounds ridiculous. But I can’t risk not having BamBam.
I care if she hates someone I like.” I took a deep breath, pulling my shoulders back and forcing myself to look at him.
“I’m not like you. I don’t have a dad who wants to play goofy old-school music while the whole family hangs out together.
I have a dad who thinks that my creativity is his future financial burden and a mom who thinks I could be pretty if I’d only try. BamBam is all I’ve got.”
“You don’t have to give her up to date me.
” Ethan shook his head, his voice taking on a desperate edge.
The air between us felt heavy as the café’s espresso machine whirled and scratched as it made drinks.
“We can come up with a plan. We’ll figure it out.
Please…don’t do this. Don’t start hiding again. ”
“I’m not hiding.” That word snagged on my mind, irritating me like a grain of sand in my eye.
“Yes, you are.” Ethan’s voice had a hard edge as his eyebrows knitted together.
“No, I’m not.” I shook my head, the tone of my voice matching his. “I just want to get along with my family. You wouldn’t understand.”
Ethan snorted. “Your family is different than mine, but that doesn’t mean mine doesn’t argue. We’re just brave enough to talk through it.”
“So now I’m ridiculous and a coward?” My words sounded sharper than I’d meant them to.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Ethan held his hands up as if the gesture alone would slow down the conversation. “What I meant was that my family can disagree and still work it out.”
“That explanation didn’t make it better.” I closed my laptop and glared at Ethan, daring him to say anything other than that he was wrong.
He took a long, slow breath and then another. After what felt like forever, he said, “Being who you are takes courage. But who you are is better and more loveable than the person you’re showing your family. You have a choice, Jamie.”
“I…” The words halted in my throat. It felt like he’d dumped cold water on my anger.
I wanted to stay mad. Mad was easier. But I didn’t have a response to what he’d said.
Tears pricked at my eyes, and my gaze fell to the table.
I did not want to cry. I wanted this to be over.
He wasn’t wrong about me protecting the parts of me that my parents wouldn’t love.
But the problem wasn’t simple. If my parents’ unconditional love and support were as easy as wishing for it, I’d have had those things by now.
I didn’t know what the answer was. I only knew that I wasn’t willing to lose the love my grandma offered in order to find it.
I bit down on my lower lip to try to stop it from trembling, then took a shuddering breath. “I wanted to choose you.”
“That’s the part that hurts.” Ethan’s shoulders sagged even as his jaw set. He stood up and took a deep breath. “You don’t have to choose me. Or anyone, really. Just choose you. You have too much to offer to waste your time chasing someone else’s idea of who you should be.”
Then he turned and walked away, my heart splintering with every step. As soon as he rounded the corner, tears started to roll down my face. I’d told myself this was for the best. And it was. But right now, it just really, really hurt.