Chapter 14
The last few days, I had been on an emotional roller coaster.
Finding out my dad was going to be put on home hospice put me in such a dark place.
I knew that step was final, and there would be no healing or recovery from the cancer.
If the Lord saw fit that he should be around longer, then he would be.
I didn’t want to think about my dad dying, but I had no choice.
Coye had been such a great shoulder to lean on during this time.
He checked on me every day and made sure I ate, even when I didn’t feel like it.
I found myself slipping into a depressive state, and my father was still on this side of the Earth.
I needed to spend as much time with him as I could, so I notified my staff that I would be out for a while.
I trusted them to hold things down in my absence.
I didn’t need to be there most days anyway, but I just loved it so much.
Since I wasn’t going to work, I stayed home and played around with some new recipes. Some I loved, others not so much.
When Coye and I were last at my dad’s place, it took a minute for me to agree to leave my father’s side. I was so afraid I would miss something if I left. I made sure to call my dad every single morning, and we would talk on the phone for hours.
Besides my mom and my brother, I was my father’s only friend. Sometimes he called me his best friend, and at times, we would gossip like we were.
That night after visiting my dad, Coye took such good care of me.
He bathed me and made love to me while I cried.
The man licked my damn tears. With each stroke, it felt like a new soul tie formed between us.
Just the thought of it had my cheeks flushed, and goosebumps prickling my arms. He made my body come alive, even when I wanted to shut down.
Something different transpired between us, but I couldn’t explain it in words.
Whenever Coye was around, my heart beat to a different drum.
I felt at peace knowing he was there for me.
I never would have imagined we would be in this space, but I enjoyed it.
I didn’t like that we had to hide, but there was too much going on.
“You okay?” Coye asked, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Yes,” I assured him.
We decided to go back to my father’s place because the hospice nurse would be there, and I wanted to talk to them while I was in a better headspace.
He grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. We parked in front of my dad’s building and got out.
The nurse was already there when we entered.
“Hello, I’m Kristin. One of the hospice nurses. Your father said you wanted to talk to me and ask me some questions.”
I shook her hand and nodded. “Yes, I’m his daughter, River, and this is Coye.”
Coye shook her hand, and the three of us went to sit down. She told me my dad was in his room resting.
For the next hour or so, Kristin went over everything that the hospice team would do for my dad.
Someone would come in and cook and clean for him.
There was medication that he could take to ease any pain or discomfort he may experience.
She gave us information for the chaplain, as well as a social worker, should we need someone to talk to.
There were a lot of things they did that I never knew about.
Their mission was to make the patients as comfortable as possible and to be a support for families.
Everything was so surreal, and even though Kristin was nice, I didn’t like her reason for being there.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. You can ask anything you want, and I will try my best to give you an answer. If I don’t have one, I’ll point you in the right direction of someone who will.
” She tried to sound chipper, but I could tell this situation weighed on her a little.
I was sure that dealing with people and their families during their dying process was a lot.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Do you know how much longer my dad has?”
Coye had been next to me the whole time, and every so often, he would rub my back or rest his hand on my leg. His presence comforted me.
“I can’t say for certain, but I don’t think it’s going to be too much longer. He is declining more. Today, he barely ate. He’s just been sleeping off and on.”
I closed my eyes and tossed my head back, trying to keep my tears at bay, but that didn’t help.
Kristin reached over and rubbed my knee. “For now, I suggest you spend as much time with him as you can. Also, make sure your family sees him too. He needs you guys to be supportive of him and each other. You should go in there and see him.”
“I’ll let you go alone, but I’m here if you need me,” Coye said as he patted my shoulder, then kissed my temple.
I was afraid of how he would look and how I would react to it. I squared my shoulders and inhaled a deep breath before blowing it out. Coye and Kristin both gave me nods of encouragement, but they also gave me a moment to gather myself.
Once I was ready, I stood from my seat and walked to my father’s room. His room door was partially closed, so I pushed it open. For a moment, I paused because his appearance had changed again since the other day.
He was in bed, lying on his back with his eyes closed. For a second, I wasn’t sure if he was breathing because he was so still.
“Daddy,” I whispered, afraid to startle him.
He didn’t move, so I watched the rise and fall of his chest for a second, then called him again. This time, he turned his head and looked at me.
A small smile spread over his dry lips. “Come here, Babygirl.” He held his hand out.
I got the chair from the corner and put it next to the bed. I held his hand when I sat down.
His skin was even more yellow, and it caught me off guard. I’d never seen a person’s skin be that yellow.
“I know I told you before, but I want to tell you again. I am so proud of you, River, and I love you so much. You were always the strong one, and I need you to be strong for your mom and your brother. But I also want you to lean on Coye when you need to. He might not have said it yet, but I could see it in his eyes that he loves you. I trust him, and I can go in peace knowing that you will be good.”
My chest tightened as more tears slid down my face.
“I don’t want to lose you, Daddy.” I cried and put my head down on his chest.
My father rubbed my back as I cried. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”
“Babygirl, look at me. I can’t fight this anymore.
I don’t want to continue to suffer, and I don’t want you all to see me suffer.
I’m at peace with how my life turned out.
My kids are happy, and your mother is happy.
That’s all I could ever ask for. I’ve done things in this life that weren’t great, but the good things outweighed all of that.
I’ll be able to see my parents and my sister when I make it to Heaven.
” He continued rubbing my back and my head.
My dad had an older sister who died six months before all of this happened. They weren’t that close, but he still loved his sister and was hurt by it.
Sometimes it felt like it was one thing after another.
For a long time, I kept my head down as I cried.
I wanted to be strong, but how could I when my favorite guy was leaving me?
What was I going to do without him? Whenever I was in a jam, my daddy was the one who got me out of it.
How was I going to function when I couldn’t call him just to hear his voice, or talk about the crazy shit in the news?
“Remember that time we went to eat, and we had that terrible waiter? And he had the nerve to pick up the empty plate, talking ’bout ‘Pasta,’ like he was giving us food?” I recalled the memory, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, I remember. His ass ain’t get no tip either,” my father added with a chuckle.
“Sure didn’t. The dude who brought out the food was the one who got the money because he deserved it.”
We reminisced over the next few hours. My chest felt heavy, and my eyes were full of tears, but I enjoyed the moments with my father. When I felt his hand slip out of mine, and his breath even out, I knew he was tired.
“I’m going to be okay, Daddy. I love you, and you can rest now,” I whispered, then kissed his cheek.
Coye jumped up as soon as I walked out of my father’s room, and I fell into his arms. I wasn’t sure where Kristin went, but I knew she hadn’t gone far. From what I knew, she still had a couple of hours left on her shift.
“I got you.” Coye put his arm around my shoulders and walked me outside.
Kristin was outside, so once Coye helped me into the car, he went to talk to her for a minute, then came back to the car.
I was emotionally and physically drained. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pretend that none of this was happening, but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to talk to my mom and brother so they could see my dad. I also needed to prepare myself for the inevitable.