Chapter Seven #2
They weren’t to the place of forgiveness quite yet. In the back of his mind was what Ethan had told him. It was to never ask him to stay because there was only one person who could make him come back permanently.
HIM.
Oh, and Callen wanted to ask him more than his brother would ever know.
What he felt for Ethan…
It was more than Callen should feel.
“You should go.”
Ethan just stared at him.
“I mean it, EJ. You should leave this place and never come back. You have no place here,” he said.
And those words hurt Callen.
Why?
He wanted his brother back, and for a laundry list of reasons. None of them were good.
None of them would keep them from destroying each other, and Callen knew it.
What he felt for him was taboo and a problem in itself. There would never be the Blackhawk boys again. He was the bastard child, and Ethan was the half-breed. Together, they had more hate than anyone should.
As those words landed, they broke something in Ethan. Oh, and they hurt in ways he couldn’t explain. His brother, the only person he loved other than Gene, didn’t want him there.
“Please, EJ. You don’t belong here.”
Oh, tell him something he didn’t know.
“I see. That’s the problem, Callen. I have no place anywhere.
I’m between two worlds. You’re the Blackhawk.
I’m the half-breed. Don’ think I don’t see it when Natives look at me or hear it when they mumble under their breaths.
I’m too white to be here, and too tan to be out there. I’ll never be good enough for anyone.”
Callen hurt for him.
Because he understood.
Callen had no place outside of here.
“I want nothing more than to have you here, EJ. I want nothing more than to have a relationship with you. I just know that we’re not those boys anymore. We’re not those men now,” he said, falling on his sword for his brother.
If he stayed, Callen would ask him to never leave him again, and it would be both of their downfalls.
Their ends.
Ethan got it.
Well, he’d not seen this coming. Callen not only had grown a spine, but he’d found a way to shove Ethan out of his life.
Once and for all.
“Every time you come back, and you leave a gift for me, it’s a battle yet to happen. I told you that I wanted off the merry-go-round. I wasn’t kidding. Don’t come here. Don’t keep coming back. Let. Me. Go.”
Ethan’s heart hurt.
It was official.
He’d broken Callen one too many times, and now, he didn’t want to be put back together. He wanted to forget about him.
That was a common theme in Ethan’s life.
“You left and you need to stay away. I appreciate you being drawn here, but what we had…it’s dead.”
And there it was.
Callen said the words to hurt Ethan to save him from what lived here. He said the words to shove him out, so he could have a chance at happiness.
Gene clearly loved him, and he’d protect him in ways Callen couldn’t.
This hurt Callen in so many ways, but he was doing it for his brother. He’d never accept himself and truly love Callen back, so someone had to do it.
“For myself, I have to let the ghost of Ethan past go. You will never love me like that again, and I know it. New Orleans told me that. We could have created something there, together. Instead, I was left with pain, and a hooker. That’s all that was there for me, Ethan.
Now, I need to you leave and go find you. ”
He let his brother talk.
“I had hope. I believed that you could love me again. I believed that we could be brothers. I’m not ready.
While I don’t hate you, EJ. I can’t love you anymore.
You will never forgive me and love me like that.
You’ll never see that what we had all those years ago was the blueprint to our lives together.
You moved on, and I stayed behind. I need you to go. ”
Tears filled Callen’s eyes.
The icy chill was back in Ethan, and he could feel the hurt and hate. It was better for him to hate him than to come here and be trapped.
Timothy didn’t want him here, and that said it all. If the Shaman was saying this place was dangerous for Ethan, someone had to help him leave.
Callen was that someone.
Ethan deserved a chance.
One of them did.
“Please don’t come back here. Go live your life and never look back. Don’t let the old man lure you here, and don’t run to this shitshow. You got out. Stay out.”
Ethan hurt.
He’d said a lot in his letter to Callen, and he’d meant all of it. He had been ready to love him and be back. For Callen, he’d risk it.
And now this.
Callen moved closer to him. He was inches from him.
“I will always love you,” he said, putting his hand over Ethan’s chest. “I will always carry that love for you. I just know that I’m not good for you, and being here is worse. We’re the cancer, EJ. If I’m the reason you’ll keep returning and suffering, I’ll make sure you don’t come back here.”
“Callen.”
He stopped him.
“Don’t come back here. Again, there is nothing here for you. That bridge is burned and gone. One of us has to be strong enough to say the words. Goodbye, EJ.”
Ethan put his hand over his on his chest.
A tear dripped from Callen’s lashes, and Ethan heard what he was saying.
The bridge that he’d burned down was gone. It wasn’t Callen’s fault, or Timothy’s. He could have been kind and better, but he hadn’t been.
That was on him.
Now, the only other person who truly had a connection to him wanted him to leave.
So, he’d give it to him.
“When this case is done, I’ll leave. I won’t come back. I won’t return, even if the world destroys me. I understand, Callen, and you don’t have to carry it. I’ll carry it. I left in anger, and I’ll stay away in anger. Goodbye.”
His heart hurt.
“Ethan.”
He stopped him.
“No. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t tell me you love me and tell me to leave.
Timothy did that to me. He told me he loved me and let them take me.
Now, the only person I have left who carries half my blood doesn’t want me here.
I don’t need a babysitter to tell me where to go.
What I needed was a brother who would let me run to him if I needed him. I destroyed that, so I’ll carry it.”
Callen said nothing.
He’d clearly accomplished what he’d wanted. Deep down, he’d seen Ethan living, and having a relationship that he’d never be afforded.
And it hurt.
Now, he’d told him to leave because of the feelings he had for him.
Months ago, he would have given his testicles to have him back and have him treat him like he wasn’t the plague but seeing him with Gene made him wake up to scary truths.
Ethan had a chance at life, and Callen wanted that for him.
“So, I’ll give you this last request. Since I unfairly used you to run from here, because of Kaya Cheek, and we both know it, I’ll go away. This is your home. Me and my mother were outsiders here, and I’ll never forget that I still am. I’m only a white man here. I see it. I feel it.”
As Gene headed their way, he saw them standing together and didn’t know if he should say something. The tension was thick again.
Only, before he could say a word, Ethan heard him walking through the snow.
“Are the police here?” he asked. “The Chief of Police was just telling me goodbye. For good. Apparently, I’m not wanted here, even though this was once my home.”
Oh, holy fuck.
What had happened in the ten minutes he was waiting on the cops.
“Guys,” Gene began.
Only, he felt the chill, and it wasn’t from the falling snow. It was from Ethan.
Moving closer to his brother, Ethan didn’t miss how Callen flinched like he was going to hit him. Instead, he kissed him on the cheek and put his lips by his ear.
“Don’t read the note I left you at your cabin. Throw it away. I’m sorry for existing and coming to your part of the world. I will never come back again. We are no longer brothers. It ends here, but this time, Callen James, it was what you wanted, not me.”
He stepped back, and Callen saw the hurt in his eyes. He saw the pain.
“Why couldn’t you have just punched me in the face so we could be brothers again?” Callen asked.
Ethan stared in his eyes.
“Because for the first time in my life, I was secure enough to just offer love. Because for the first time in my life, I didn’t hate myself as much as I hated it here. I’ll miss you, Callen. Call me when they die,” he stated. “I’ll pay for half of the funerals because it’s my obligation.”
Then, he turned around and headed toward Gene.
“Let’s work,” he said. “I need to get the fuck off of this shit reservation before it eats me alive.”
Then, he walked past Gene to head up to the road and away from the man who was his brother.
“What the fuck?” Gene asked.
Callen headed his way.
“He can’t come back here. I had to make him hate me again.
Now, he’s safe. I love him more than anyone on this planet.
More than Timothy. More than myself. For him, I’m willing to make the sacrifice.
Take care of him. Here are my keys. I’ll get a ride back with my deputy.
Leave my truck at Timothy’s and take him back to the other side of the country where he’ll flourish. ”
Gene hated this.
“Callen. Follow him. Go after him. Fix it before…”
He shook his head.
And say what?
How seeing him with his boyfriend opened a Pandora’s box in him?
How the fuck did he broach that sickness?
“Trust me. The time isn’t right. Ethan needs to hate someone.
It can’t be Timothy. It needs to be me. If anything happens to him, call me,” he said, handing him a card.
“Other than that, protect him, and in time, he’ll forget I exist. It’s for the best. There’s no room for both of us in his world, and there’s no way we can walk it together. ”
Gene didn’t understand that.
He watched him walk away, heading to the road in the opposite direction.
Oh, boy.
This was going to end badly.
Gene could feel it to his bones.
Following Ethan, he found him in the road talking to two cops. They’d gotten there, and they were wearing gold detective badges.