Chapter Ten #3
“You’re leaving and not coming back?” he asked, and there was sadness in his voice.
Oh, Ethan had been wrong. Someone DID remember what he’d said, but in true Blackhawk fashion, denial was key.
Ethan nodded.
“You know why I can’t,” he said. “Do we really need to say it out loud and open that level of Hell?”
Oh, shit.
The jig was up.
“I ran my mouth, didn’t I?” he asked. “I said some shit while I was drunk.”
Again, he nodded.
“Yeah, you said some shit, CJ. Big shit with larger implications. You blew a hole in the side of that one.”
Oh, boy.
What could he say?
There was only one thing.
“I’m sorry.”
Ethan touched his face with his fingers, making Callen stare into his eyes.
The bottom line was the bottom line. That secret had been set free, and it wasn’t just between him and Callen. Gene was privy to it, and that was a problem.
For all of them.
Already, that secret was doing damage. In that moment, he had to make a choice.
Risk the best thing that had ever happened to him for his brother, or put distance between them both so they had a chance to find their paths in life.
Ethan was on his.
Callen had to find his own way now.
“After that admission from you, I can’t be here. We both know that we feel the same thing, and that has to die. I can’t come back here, CJ. I’m in love with Gene, and I moved on. I need you to forget about me.”
Callen sat there.
His goddamn mouth had made a mess. Now, he remembered the letter and everything that went down.
“So, no brother shit like you mentioned?” he asked.
Ethan sat beside him.
This was a tough line to tow.
Only, he’d run for his whole life, and now, he had to be the strong one, by, ironically, running away.
Yeah, the universe was fucked up.
They were the proof.
“Can you tell me honestly that you’re not thinking about having sex with me?”
Oof.
“And don’t lie. Now’s not the time, CJ. Gene overheard you, and he knows.”
Double oof.
What had he done?
“It’s always there,” Callen admitted. “It’s always in the back of my mind.”
Well, then, being here, and risking it…
Ethan couldn’t let that happen.
“Maybe one day I’ll be back, but it won’t be until I can do it safely. Maybe when I’m married. I know my brother. You’d never break up a marriage.”
And he wouldn’t.
His egg donor had done that.
It was a hard rule for Callen.
Married meant married.
Ethan continued.
“Until you and I both move on, maybe get married, have some kids, and then it’ll be an option. Us here together…it’s a bad idea because if I didn’t love Gene, and have him, I would absolutely do it. I know me. I know us.”
At his words, Callen closed his eyes.
“Had we not been born joined at the DNA, there would be no question,” Ethan admitted.
“Only, we are, and I left because I had feelings. You deserve to know that. I have them too, and the lure…it’s too big.
Had things been different, we weren’t brothers, and we met here…
I never would have left. I know I would have been happy with you. ”
Tears filled Callen’s eyes.
“The happiest moments of my life were with you, CJ. You are the ONLY thing on the rez that made or makes me happy. You deserve to know that.”
Ethan wiped the tears that fell from his lashes.
“You shared the truth with me, and I’m giving it back to you. Hopefully, it helps you heal.”
Callen knew this was goodbye.
“One day, come back, EJ. When you can. I can keep this buried. But don’t come back until you’re ready. I’m strong enough to keep it to myself.”
And that was proof.
Ethan wasn’t strong enough. For love, he’d give up the FBI and his life outside of the rez, but he couldn’t because he’d found love with Gene.
Callen was just so much stronger than he was.
“I love you, CJ. I have always loved you. From the day Grandad brought you home, to this very moment. It’s here,” he said, touching the raven on his chest, and then the fox tattooed on his brother’s abs.
Yeah, it was goodbye.
“Timothy is going to know. What do I tell him?” he asked. “I’m defective. I lust after my own brother. He’ll hate me like I hate me.”
He wouldn’t.
How did he know?
Timothy likely already knew. That’s why he told Gene to get him out of here. As usual, the Shaman was up in the smoke, creating mayhem.
Instead of saying anything, Ethan took his face in his hands and gave him a kiss. It was soft, gentle, and the last thing he could give Callen.
It was clear that his brother hadn’t expected it but needed it. Ethan could feel his tears drip onto his face.
When he broke the kiss, Callen closed his eyes, memorizing that one moment.
It was sweet and devastating all at once.
It was definitely goodbye.
Ethan tucked Callen’s hair behind his ears.
“We can’t be. As far as anyone knows, we have beef over you cheating with my girlfriend all those years ago. Let’s keep it at that so no one has to know.”
Callen opened his eyes.
“That makes you more the bad guy. Everyone fucks Kaya Cheek.”
Oh, Ethan was aware.
Only, because of Gene, he was strong enough to carry that weight.
“I’ll be the bad guy for you, Callen. I caught you banging her, and you betrayed me. We were never able to mend that fence. Understand?”
He slowly nodded.
“Did you forgive me?” he asked.
Ethan was to the point.
“I just kissed my brother, I’m half naked on a bathroom floor, and you smell like vomit. That’s love, bro. That’s definitely love and forgiveness.”
Callen laughed.
“I’m going to miss you, EJ. I hope one day you come home again.”
Oh, he hoped so, too.
Only, he had to fall on his sword now for Callen.
“What you feel will die when you find the love of your life. I felt it for you, but then, I found Gene. I’m on my path. Get on yours, CJ, and one day, when we both have partners, I’m sure we’ll find each other again.”
Callen knew his brother was his soulmate.
So, he doubted he’d move on.
There wouldn’t be that kick to the chest when he found love at first sight. He’d found love born in the bowels of Hell, but he’d pretend.
For Ethan.
“I know what you’re thinking, CJ. You have a terrible poker face. Move on, and one day, I’ll be back. I’ll punch you in the face, and we’ll pretend until then. This is between us, and it will stay between us. Forget about me that way, Callen. I’m a lousy lay,” he joked.
He laughed.
“So am I. I have to be drunk, apparently.”
It appeared that Ethan had navigated this without anyone being damaged further.
Yay, him.
Because he had to work, he helped Callen up, and back into bed.
“So, this is really goodbye?”
Ethan was getting dressed.
“I don’t think it can be anything other than this,” he said. “Maybe in the next life,” he said. “Maybe never. I know in my heart and from life that we don’t always get what we want. This might be one of those things.”
Ethan took something from his coat pocket and handed it to Callen. Thankfully, he’d carried his clothes over to Callen’s room.
“Here.”
It was the note he’d written him.
“It was the absolute truth. I was ready, but we both have to be ready. Maybe one day we will be.”
He took the note.
“Do you hate me?” Callen asked, as his brother walked toward the door, ready to leave.
He turned.
“Yes,” he said, but then he winked at him, so Callen would always know the truth. What he felt for the man was anything but hate.
Callen was grateful for a few things. Gene Cantrell had changed his brother, for good. Oh, and that one day, he hoped Ethan returned.
Until that day, he’d be hands off.
They both deserved space.
“Goodbye, EJ. I’ll see you sometime down the road. Stay safe, and don’t call.”
Blackhawk blew his brother a kiss.
“Same, Callen. Don’t look for me. If Fate wants it to happen…”
Callen nodded.
“It will happen. Just pull that punch if it happens. You’re a dick when you swing.”
That he was.
Hell.
He was a dick more times than not when it came to just the everyday things.
Ethan took it all in one last time.
And then, he headed out.
It wasn’t how he expected to make peace, but he had. The world and everyone would think he hated his brother, but he didn’t.
That would be their secret.
And if he did come back, he’d make sure that lie stayed in place.
Because he knew deep down, if he didn’t have Gene, he would have stayed.
And everything would have changed.
EVERYTHING.
* * * Blackhawk & Cantrell * * *
Next Stop:
The Morgue
Saturday Morning
Eight A.M.
And so, it began.
When Ethan met his partner downstairs in the hotel, he was absolutely silent.
Oh, and that unnerved him then, and now.
What happened with Callen wasn’t brought up, and not a word was said to him.
Literally.
Gene didn’t speak at all on the way to the police station, and he didn’t even have to ask directions. It appeared that they were not in a good place, and he hated that for both of them.
This was his fault, and Ethan had to carry this burden. It was all because he came back here.
Had he not, Gene wouldn’t have overheard his drunk brother declaring his love for him, and the slip and slide into bedlam.
Well, Ethan would just have to give him space and time to work through it. It wasn’t like he’d dump him and run, right?
So, in silence, they’d sit.
Beside him, Gene was as twitchy as a teenager on his first date. When Ethan came down from Callen’s room, his face was carefully blank, and that didn’t bode well.
So, he kept his mouth shut, even when he wanted to apologize for how he’d dumped everything on him. Clearly, coming back here was a lot for Gene, too.
Who knew he could hate a place he’d never been to before?
But he did.
Only now, his partner was on duty, and it was clear that he wasn’t in the mood for idle chitchat.
Yeah, if he could take back the last hour, he would. Dumping everything on Ethan, when he’d not deserved it, was ill-timed.
But how did he come back from that?
Gene wasn’t sure.
Finally, he had the balls to go there.