Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
ELIZABETH
The Push
“Are you going to be silent the entire run? I’m getting kind of lonely over here,” Julien says, breathing easily and looking fresh as a daisy after four miles. I, however, am a sweaty, filthy mess.
We decided to meet up at one of the local trailheads and enjoy some nature on our run this morning.
Elijah didn’t come out today, and I have a feeling it’s because Julien wants to talk to me.
He’s been sliding his eyes my way the entire time we’ve been jogging, like he wants to say something but is waiting for me to say something first. I can read this man like a book.
Julien slows down to a walk, and I follow suit, taking big, deep gulps of air. He hooks my pinkie with his, and I immediately think of Ryder. We would hold hands like that all the time.
“I’ve given you space and haven’t meddled.”
“And I appreciate that.”
“But—”
Pulling up the bottom of my tank top with one hand, I wipe sweat from my face. “Please don’t let there be a ‘but.’ I hate ‘buts.’”
He smacks my backside. “ But yours is so cute.”
I don’t want to laugh. “Very punny.”
“Thanks. I do have my talents.”
We stop under the shade of a tree, and I unstrap my water bottle from my thigh holster.
Instead of drinking, I pour some over the back of my neck.
The morning started out a balmy eighty degrees, with an afternoon forecast of near the century mark.
Add in humidity, and it feels like the ninth circle of hell.
I hope we get some pop-up thunderstorms later to help cool things off.
Julien takes a pull of water from the hose of his hydration pack. “Heard Fallon was over for dinner last night.”
For some unknown reason, my hackles rise. I don’t have to explain myself or whose company I choose to keep to anyone, not even to Julien.
Resuming walking speed, I continue down the trail. “Spit out whatever you really want to say.”
Julien runs ahead of me and stops me in my tracks. I stumble before righting myself.
“Liz, what’s going on? Why do I feel like you’re purposefully shutting me out?”
Buying time, I redo my ponytail. “I’m not shutting you out.”
“Yes, you are,” he argues, giving me a silver-eyed glower.
That’s the problem with knowing someone inside and out for most of your life. You can spot a lie a thousand miles away and with just one look.
“And the fact that you talked to Meredith and not to me proves that you are.”
Yep. I am most definitely going to kill her and her big fat mouth. Did she call everyone in Fallen Brook the second we hung up?
I start walking again. The path is well-worn and flat. Stray tree roots break the surface and create hazards easily tripped over if you’re not paying attention. Julien ambles beside me, his long legs easily catching up with my pace.
“I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
Genuinely perplexed, he asks, “Why would I be upset with you?”
“For considering being with another man. And for that man to be Fallon.”
There. I finally said it out loud.
Still feels like I’m about to have a heart attack.
Julien stares at me like I just sprouted three heads.
“Shit, Liz. It’s been almost three fucking long years.
No one, me especially, expects you to live like a hermit for the rest of your life.
Ryder would want you to move on. The fact that it’s with Fallon…
I couldn’t be happier. Other than Ry, I always thought Fal was a better man for you than Jay—” Julien abruptly stops talking and looks the other way.
Jayson has been popping up a lot in my thoughts lately.
I hate that he’s become persona non grata with everyone I know.
Julien won’t even say his name around me anymore.
He and Elijah stopped taking the boys to visit him in San Francisco like they usually did before school started.
I don’t know what happened or why because Julien has also been shutting me out when it comes to his brother.
The only time I would see Jayson was once a year at our daughter’s gravesite on her birthday, but the year we found out about Ryder’s cancer, Jayson stopped coming. I tried reaching out to him. Several times. I’m so angry at him for tapping out. Our daughter deserves better. Ryder deserved better.
I never expected him to hate me so much for choosing Ryder. And because of my choice, the people I love and care about have suffered. My therapist used to hound into me that Jayson’s actions are not my fault. Rationally, I know that. He made his choice, just like I made mine.
I wish things could have turned out differently between us.
I miss him. I miss the Jayson that had been my best friend since I was six.
I miss the Jayson I fell in love with; the one who would climb through my bedroom window.
The one who strung fairy lights on our tree. The boy who owns all my firsts.
Julien pulls off a tendril of honeysuckle from a wild vine as we pass by it and tucks it behind my ear.
“Julien, I’m scared.”
“About what?” he asks.
“Everything.”
My heart has been broken too many times. I don’t know if I’ll survive it being broken again.
He pulls me around and cradles my cheeks between his large hands, forcing my gaze to his. “Fallon loves you. He’s loved you for a very long time. It’s okay to trust him with your heart. He’d burn down the entire world for you.”
Fallon loves you.
I stand on the precipice of a decision that frightens me to death.
The thought of opening my heart again—risking to love again—feels like jumping off a very tall mountain, unsure if the ground will stop my fall or if I’ll plummet into a never-ending chasm of heartbreak.
But for Fallon, I’m willing to take that leap.
“He said he’s picking me up later.”
Julien unzips my side pocket and takes out my phone. Knowing my passcode, he enters it.
“What are you doing?”
“Not what I’m doing. What you’re doing,” he says and slaps my phone into my hand. “Call him.”
I stare at the green circle on the screen. “I’m not calling him now. It’s seven in the morning.”
He takes my phone back. “Fine. I’ll do it.”
“Julien! Don’t you dare!”
He jumps back when I try to snatch my phone from his grasp. “Hey, man. It’s Jules. Yeah, she’s with me right now.”
Grinning, Julien mouths, He still calls you kitten ? Cute.
I mouth back to him, Give me my phone.
“When are you picking her up?”
“ Julien, I’m serious , ” I threaten.
At the rate I’m going to murder my friends, there will be no one left in a week.
“Casual attire or something scandalously slutty?”
“ Julien! ” I punch him in the arm. Hard.
“Hold on. She’s getting violent.” Laughing, he jogs down the path.
He’s about to see just how violent I’m prepared to get.
Feeling like an idiot because I chase after him, as soon as I get close enough, I leap onto his back and steal my phone.
Julien’s hands lock under my butt to secure me in place as he turns around and starts back up the way we came down.
“Good god, woman. What did you eat for breakfast?”
I flick his ear with my finger to hush him. “Hey,” I say into the phone.
Fallon’s husky chuckle comes over the line, sending my already frayed nerves haywire. “Morning.”
I spur my heels into Julien’s ribcage to signal for him to put me down. He pinches my outer thigh and keeps walking with me riding piggyback.
“Julien is being impossible this morning. I hope he didn’t wake you.”
“She means irresistible,” Julien counters.
I flick the back of his head this time, and he finally sets me down. Clutching the phone to my ear, I stalk a few steps away. “Did you, uh…get some sleep last night?”
Brilliant conversational skills, I know. I’m a little rusty with this small-talk stuff.
“Not really.”
“Me neither.”
“Oh my god. Your flirting skills are the worst,” Julien obnoxiously whispers from behind me.
I whirl around to shoot him a murderous glare. “ Shut. Up. ”
He mimes zipping his mouth closed.
“Lunch. I’ll pick you up at noon.”
Fallon has always been maddeningly self-assured, and somehow, it only makes him harder to resist.
“Lunch sounds good. Casual or formal?”
“The second option Jules said.”
Scandalously slutty.
A slurry of inappropriate thoughts plays havoc with my heart rate.
“Nice try.”
Fallon laughs again, a rich sound that makes my stomach flip. “See you soon, Kitten.”
The call ends.
“You’re welcome,” Julien says smugly, slinging an arm around my shoulders.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.”
I don’t dignify that with an answer, but the goofy smile tugging at my lips betrays me anyway.