Chapter Eleven #2
Gates heard something in Alexander’s voice, something he didn’t like.
If he hadn’t known better, there was a hint of interest there but he remained wisely silent even though what he really wanted to do was throttle the man.
Jealousy, something he wasn’t used to in the least, began rearing its ugly head again.
“What de Lara does with his daughter is no concern of yours or mine,” he said. “I would suggest you not speak of the man’s daughter in front of him, in fact. That would be an excellent way to garner his wrath.”
Alexander looked at him. “Why?”
Gates lifted his eyebrows to emphasize his point. “If she was your daughter, would you not be protective over her from hot-blooded knights?”
Alexander conceded the point. “Mayhap,” he said. “He should not worry over us, however. We are sworn to him and to the family. We would not take advantage of that trust.”
Gates didn’t say anything for a moment; he was starting to feel sick to his stomach, confused with Alexander’s words.
Is that what I’ve done? He asked himself.
Have I taken advantage of de Lara’s trust by having affection for his daughter?
By getting to know her and letting her get under my skin?
As he wrestled with that terrible thought, Alexander spoke again.
“I will tell you a secret, old man,” he said to Gates, lowering his voice.
“My parents have been harassing me to marry. No sooner had I arrived home then they were demanding to know when I intended to wed. If de Lara is truly looking for a husband for his daughter, and my parents know it, I have a feeling they will try to press my suit. I cannot say that the thought disturbs me because it does not. She is an exquisite creature. She would make a fine wife upon my arm.”
Gates’ jaw ticked faintly, increasingly disturbed by Alexander’s prattle.
More than that, he was greatly disturbed by the subject – was it possible that, of all men, Alexander would actually be pledged to Kathalin?
God’s Bones, the mere thought made him ill.
He tossed the rest of his pie to the ground, unable to finish.
His bitterness in Alexander’s interest in Kathalin began to come out.
“De Lara will not want you for her for the same reason he will not want me,” he said in an attempt to curb Alexander’s interest. “You have been known to bed a woman or two, much as I have, and you have a history of romantic conquest. De Lara knows this.”
Alexander looked at his friend, wondering why the man sounded so cynical. “That may be,” he said, “but my legend isn’t nearly as bad as yours is. Moreover, most young men our age have some manner of reputation with women. They would be odd if they didn’t.”
Gates didn’t want to speak with Alexander any longer.
He was afraid he might say something nasty if he did, jealous as he was.
He simply couldn’t control it. Without a word, he left Alexander and went to where Kathalin was sitting.
Now, his focus became her, swiftly forgetting about Alexander.
He stood next to her and cleared his throat softly.
“May I sit, my lady?” he asked politely.
Kathalin was jolted by the sound of his voice, so much so that she jumped when he spoke.
Her mind had been lingering on a future without him, his refusal of her marriage suggestion, and any number of other sad and disappointing thoughts involving him.
She had been wrapped up in her own world, the pain of his refusal building within her.
But Gates had been speaking to Alexander; she knew this because she had heard their voices.
She was hoping he would remain with Alexander so she would not have to speak with him.
She was too terribly embarrassed and disappointed to speak with him.
Therefore, his request to sit next to her was met with only a shrug.
Gates took the gesture as an affirmative and planted himself next to her on the wooden bench, hearing it creak under his weight. “God’s Bones,” he complained, looking down at the bench. “I hope I do not collapse it. I will apologize in advance if I end up dumping you on the ground.”
Kathalin smiled weakly but said nothing and Gates couldn’t stand the silence between them.
It was beginning to eat at him, consuming every thought in his head, and he knew he had to make things right.
This was all his fault, anyway. Perhaps if he explained his position against her marriage proposal, she might not be so hateful towards him.
Now, the situation between them was about to become quite real.
He prepared himself.
“My lady,” he said softly. “Kathalin. May I speak freely between us?”
Kathalin. She closed her eyes to the sound of her name coming forth, turning her head away and squeezing her eyes together tightly to stave off the tears. After a moment, she shook her head.
“Nay,” she whispered.
His brow furrowed. “Why not?”
She abruptly stood up, hissing at him. “Because there is nothing to say.”
With that, she stormed off, out of the eating area and out into the street. Gates quickly followed, grasping her by the arm as she made her way down the street. She didn’t get very far. When he latched on to her, she tried to pull away.
“Hold, lady,” he said, his voice stern but soft. “Where are you going?”
She was trying to yank her arm out of his grip. “Let me go!”
In response, he grabbed her with both hands, his grip like an iron vise. “I will not,” he said, his voice less soft and more firm now. “What is the matter? Why are you running off?”
It took Kathalin a moment to realize she was making a fool of herself.
Already, she’d made a great fool of herself by betraying the fact that she was embarrassed and hurt by his refusal.
Now he knew, or at least he suspected. She wasn’t sure she could cover for her behavior and try to throw him off the scent, but the truth was that she didn’t want to try.
She wasn’t clever or practiced in the ways of men and women.
All she knew was honesty. Perhaps it was time for her to be honest.
Perhaps then he would leave her in peace.
“Because… because I said something to you that I should not have,” she finally said, her struggles against him easing. “When I said I would marry you, it was the truth. But I should not have said it and I am sorry.”
Her words were like arrows to his heart, each one doing more damage than the one before it.
It was sucking the breath out of him, hurting him in ways he never knew he could hurt.
Quickly, he looked around to see if there was someplace more private they could speak because he was quite certain there was about to be a good deal of honesty between them whether or not he wanted it.
Still, the time had come.
When he saw a gap between two baking establishments off to his right, he pulled her over in that direction and wedged them both in between the buildings. It was a narrow space and he was pressed up against her, too close, but it was necessary. What he had to say was for her ears only.
“I want you to listen to me carefully, Kathalin,” he said, his voice quiet.
“You must never be sorry for something you feel and you must never be sorry for speaking the truth. You cannot know how honored and thrilled I am to hear you say such things. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”
Kathalin, very close to him, couldn’t bear to look up at him. She kept her head lowered. “It was foolish,” she said. “Silly and foolish. Please, de Wolfe… I want to go back to St. Milburga’s. Won’t you please take me there?”
He shook his head. “I cannot and you know it,” he said, looking down at her bowed head and feeling her turmoil.
“But know this; if I could marry you, I most certainly would. Your parents intend to seek a husband for you and the mere thought of you being married to someone else fills me with anguish such as I have never known. I would rather see you back at St. Milburga’s than see you married to anyone other than me. ”
It took a few moments for his words to sink in but when they did, her head shot up and she looked at him, wide-eyed. “You… you do not wish to see me married to anyone else?” she repeated, laboring to comprehend what he had just told her. “You… you would marry me?”
He nodded, sorrow evident in his face. He put a hand beneath her chin, forcing her to keep her eyes on him, feeling the soft texture of her skin. It was like silk.
“When I told you that I could not marry you, it was not because I did not want to,” he said.
Then he shook his head, dropping his hand from her chin and averting his gaze as he struggled for the correct words.
“There is something you must know about me, Kathalin. I have been a foolish man when it comes to women for most of my adult life. You see, I have always viewed women as conquests or prizes, something to be won, and used, and then forgotten about when I move on to the next one. I have spent my life disrespecting women and using them for my own needs. Since you are to be around Hyssington for some time to come, you will probably hear men refer to me by the moniker I have earned because of my reputation. I have been called the Dark Destroyer because of my prowess off the battlefield as well as on it. Do not be distressed when you hear it; it has followed me for many years.”
Kathalin’s brow was furrowed as she listened, trying to process what he was saying. Being as na?ve as she was, she didn’t immediately realize what he meant. “I do not understand,” she said. “You have thought women to be conquests?”
“Aye.”
“But… but how should you conquer them?”
He just looked at her, hoping he didn’t truly have to explain that aspect to her, but he could see that she really had no idea what he meant. “As a lover, Kathalin,” he said. Then, he lowered his voice. “In their beds.”