Chapter Twelve
~ The Shadowed Heart ~
Shrewsbury’s annual Snow Queen Festival was something of a paradox considering the heavy snow that had blanketed the land for months had, over the past few days, virtually melted away.
Still, the villagers were eager to celebrate the ancient festival that was supposed to ensure spring would come early and as the sun set that evening in the west, people came out to the streets in droves.
The Raven was packed to overflowing. As the sun set and the sky turned shades of purple and blue, the windows of the two-storied inn were open, as well as the front door, emitting light out into the busy, darkened streets.
A man with a torch went up and down the street, lighting other torches on poles that would give more light to the gloom, and it was all quite festive as men and women danced and sang in the streets.
Standing at the window of her rented room, Kathalin could see all of it below.
Most people seemed to be wearing some kind of mask on their faces, most crudely fashioned but a few of them were actually quite lovely.
Women had poles with flowing ribbons attached and they waved them about in a symbolic gesture of spring breezes, and men carried about small, wooden shields, ornamental only, and would ram them at each other when passing each other in the street, to great laughter.
Kathalin had never seen anything like it.
From the austere halls of St. Milburga’s to the party in the street in Shrewsbury, it was yet another reminder of what she had been missing outside of the old priory walls.
She could smell food as vendors walked beneath her window, lauding their hot wine for sale or some kind of meat on a stick.
She thought she might like to try the hot wine but she didn’t have any money and she would have to ask Gates to provide her with coin, but she didn’t want to bother him.
In fact, after what had happened that afternoon, she wasn’t sure she wanted to speak with him at all.
Thoughts of Gates brought thoughts of sadness.
She didn’t understand his sense of honor, the confusing reasons he had given for not wanting to marry her.
He swore that he would be true to her and only her, didn’t he?
That was good enough for her. She didn’t care about a humiliating past but the truth was that she really didn’t grasp what he meant.
She had no idea how deep his shame ran.
Having lived such a sequestered life, she couldn’t imagine the reality of having a bastard child thrown in her face or perhaps the reality of a spurned lover making a scene.
Having only been kissed by a man, once, and that had been earlier in the day, that was the only sexual thing she really understood.
It was true that she knew the mechanics of coupling from fellow wards at St. Milburga’s who would gossip and giggle about such things, but other than that, she was completely na?ve of the act.
Of what it meant to couple with a man. Of what it meant to be man and wife.
Nay, she didn’t understand much of it. But she wanted to learn of it from Gates and he refused to teach her.
So she was left sad and ashamed, hating this new world that she was being forced to be a part of.
Sighing heavily, she sat on the open windowsill, watching the people in the street below, seeing their joy and being envious of it.
She wanted to know that joy, too. She didn’t understand how Gates could tell her that he adored her yet not want to give in to those feelings.
She felt such anguish at his rejection that it was difficult to grasp it.
Refusal that cut her to the bone. As she sat on the windowsill, her thoughts lingering on a future that was never meant to be, a soft rap at the door distracted her.
“Come,” she said softly.
The door opened and she didn’t even look to see who it was.
Gates had said something when they’d arrived at the inn about sending a meal up to her so she assumed it was the servant bringing her food.
But then she heard footsteps that sounded heavy, not like a servant’s shoes should have sounded, so she turned to see that Gates had entered the chamber.
He smiled hesitantly and, with a painful heart, she quickly turned away.
“What is it that you want, de Wolfe?” she asked.
Gates could hear the sorrow in her tone.
He’d been downstairs for the past three hours in the common room, pretending to be focused on other things when what he was really focused on was Kathalin.
Having left off where they had earlier, when Alexander had interrupted them when Kathalin had been begging him to marry her, he knew he simply couldn’t leave it like that.
He knew he had to speak with her privately again, to reason with her, and hope she could understand his point of view.
He’d waited all of that time for Alexander to decided he was bored sitting in the common room of a tavern when there was a party going on outside.
As soon as Alexander had left for the streets, Gates had headed upstairs.
Now, he was face to face with Kathalin, hoping to continue their earlier conversation but from her question to him, she didn’t sound as if she was willing to discuss it. He took a deep breath before answering.
“I came to see if you would like to go down into the streets and join the party,” he said. “Alexander is already out there, somewhere, so I thought you might like to experience the madness.”
Kathalin shook her head. “Nay,” she said. “I will watch it from here.”
Gates had expected that answer. He moved over to stand on the other side of the windowsill, watching her as she looked to the crowd below.
“Alexander wanted to escort you to the festival, you know,” he said.
“I told him to go alone and that no one but me would escort you. Now, do you still wish to stay here and watch from above?”
She nodded, feeling her heart twist with anguish. “I do,” she said, feeling the sting of tears. “I do not wish to go anywhere with you.”
Gates sighed sadly. “Kathi,” he started.
“You and I must come to an understanding. I realize you are hurt, sweetheart. I am hurt, too. I just wish you would understand that I never meant to hurt you, in any fashion. I swore to you that I would be true to you and only you, forever. That should give you some comfort.”
She whirled to him, eyes blazing. “Comfort?” she repeated, appalled. “Why should it? I love a man who will not marry me. Instead, he will willingly see me married to another. Why should anything you say give me comfort?”
His jaw ticked. “I wish I could make you understand,” he said quietly. “What I do, I do for you. I do it to protect you. I do it so you will not be married to a man who will bring you shame. Why can you not comprehend that?”
Frustrated, grieved, Kathalin turned around and put her hands to her ears.
“Because I cannot,” she hissed. “You told me that you adore me. You know that I adore you. I do not understand why love cannot overcome everything you are afraid of. You are a coward, Gates, a coward! You will not fight for what you love!”
It was difficult for him to hear those words from her mouth. “I can understand how you would see it that way,” he said as his anguish mounted. “But it is not….”
She came out of the windowsill. “It is the truth,” she cut him off.
“You are a coward, afraid to stand up to your past. Instead, are willing to forsake me so that you may hide from it, bury it, and not suffer the consequences. You say that you will not marry me because you want to protect me. Well, I do not believe you. You do not wish to marry me because you do not love me enough to overcome your fear of the past.”
He wasn’t going to argue with her. She didn’t understand.
He couldn’t make her understand. All he knew was that he was feeling more turmoil than he ever had in his life, now with his bravery taking a hit.
Was it possible that she was correct in some ways?
Was it possible that he wasn’t brave enough to overcome his past, by accepting how he’d lived and now unwilling to face it?
He didn’t really know. All he knew was that her words hurt him, this pure and fine and beautiful woman that he so admired.
This woman he could never have.
“Mayhap,” he said softly. “Mayhap I am more afraid that even though you declare that the sins of the past do not matter to you, mayhap they will after all. Mayhap I am afraid you will be the one running from them when they become too much to bear.”
It was the second time in the day when she felt slapped by his words. Now, he was doubting her word of honor, her declaration that she would stand by him regardless of his past indiscretions. He was doubting that she believed love could overcome everything. Feeling wounded, she turned away.
“Mayhap that is true,” she said, sounding hollow. “But we will never know if neither of us are strong enough to face the truth, will we? You have already made that decision for me as well as for you.”
Wise and true words. He’d already decided they shouldn’t face such a thing, so who was to say if they would have the courage to overcome all of this?
Gates was feeling defeated, confused, and sickened.
Without another word, he turned for the door.
Quietly, he crossed the room and lifted the latch, only to hear Kathalin’s soft voice behind him one last time.
“Gates,” she said. “If you must relay information to me in the future, have Alexander do it. I cannot… I cannot see you anymore. I cannot continue to go through this every time we speak.”
He sighed heavily. “You don’t mean that.”
“Aye, I do. Please respect my wishes.”