Chapter Seventeen #2
“You are wrong,” Rosamund said, her eyes flashing in a way that Kathalin found most intimidating.
“You have utterly misconstrued the contents of our conversation for your own selfish wants. What I said, exactly, was that you should allow your father and me to have the celebration in honor of your return home. I asked that you meet people and become exposed to a world you have never known. I then said that if, at the end of the celebration, you still wished to take your vows as a nun, I would consider it. Never, at any time, did I give you permission to approve your husband.”
Kathalin was stunned to realize that the woman was correct. She had remembered the conversation, or at least she thought she had, but now that Rosamund had repeated her words, Kathalin realized that, indeed, her mother was correct. Feeling sick and frightened, she struggled to recover.
“You led me to believe that I had a say in the matter,” she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound as tremulous as she felt.
“What am I supposed to think when you ask me to experience a world I never knew? To meet the young men you have invited to vie for my hand? I was led to believe I would have some say in this matter.”
“If that is what you feel you were led to believe, then you were mistaken.”
She sounded so cold. Kathalin was truly taken aback, thinking this was not the same woman she had first met those days ago, the woman who had shared the details of her affliction and had been grateful for Kathalin’s concern.
This wasn’t the same woman who had pleaded for understanding when she told Kathalin that she had sent her children away because she had been afraid her children would contract her disease.
Kathalin had foolishly fallen for the woman’s explanation enough so that she felt pity towards Rosamund and forgave her.
But that had been her grave mistake. Whether or not Rosamund’s explanation was the truth, Kathalin would never know because the woman before her wasn’t the same woman at all. This was someone cold and calculating, not to be crossed.
The true Rosamund was finally revealed.
Kathalin had been betrayed.
“Then you knew about this betrothal,” she finally said.
Rosamund maintained her intense gaze. “Of course I did,” she said. “I suggested it.”
It was a blow to the belly as far as Kathalin was concerned.
She thought she had an ally in her mother but she couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Now, it was all becoming clear; Kathalin had never had any say in her future in spite of what Rosamund had led her to believe.
She was as she had always been, simply a pawn who also happened to be the daughter of a disconnected earl and his calculating wife.
Now, it was out in the open. Kathalin had to accept the truth.
Her parents had never cared for her at all.
Feeling foolish, and sad, the resentment she had always felt for her parents began to make a return but Kathalin refused to give in to that old hatred.
For now, she wanted something from her mother and she wasn’t going to leave until she had it.
Being angry and resentful towards Rosamund would not help her cause.
She had to be as calculating as her mother was but that wasn’t in Kathalin’s nature.
She hadn’t any practice at it. Still, she had to try.
“Then I suppose I should thank you,” Kathalin said. “Alexander is a very kind man and the House of de Lohr is very prestigious.”
Rosamund’s hard eyes eased somewhat. It had been clear that she had been gearing up for a battle, so Kathalin’s instant agreement was rather unexpected. The bright eyes softened, but still, she was on her guard. With that in mind, she continued the conversation carefully.
“Elreda de Lohr, who is Alexander’s mother, was a good friend of mine long ago,” Rosamund said. “She and Henry are fine people. You should feel very honored that they are willing to accept you into their home.”
Kathalin simply nodded. There was a stool near the hearth, a three-legged piece of furniture, and she moved towards it. She wasn’t going to be leaving the room any time soon so she thought it best to get comfortable.
“Indeed I am,” Kathalin said, although she didn’t mean a word of it. “It was a wise choice.”
“It was.”
“May I ask you a question?”
“That depends. What is it?”
“You will not know until I ask.”
Now, Rosamund was growing wary. “Speak, then.”
Kathalin looked at her mother, cocking her head thoughtfully. “Have you ever been in love with a man?”
It was a question that caught Rosamund off-guard. Her brow furrowed for a moment before speaking. “Why do you ask?”
Kathalin was trying very hard to manipulate her mother into the direction she wanted her to go. She shrugged casually. “All of this talk of marriage has me thinking,” she said. “Is love as wonderful as I have heard it is?”
Rosamund shook her head, averting her gaze. “A foolish question.”
“Then you have never been in love?”
“I did not say that.”
“Then you have!”
Flustered, Rosamund looked away completely. “Of course I have,” she said. “Every woman has been in love at least once in her life.”
“Are you in love with my father?”
Rosamund’s head snapped up, her eyes flashing again. “That is none of your affair.”
Kathalin could see she had the woman off balance, which had been her goal. She simply nodded, pretending to be sorry that she had asked the question.
“Of course, it is not,” she said quietly. “But I thought that if you understood love, then you would understand my predicament.”
Rosamund looked at her suspiciously. “What predicament?”
Kathalin gazed into eyes that were the exact same color as her own. “I am in love,” she said quietly. “I have never been in love before, so this is something quite new and wonderful to me.”
Now, Rosamund was intrigued. Very intrigued. She peered at Kathalin, surprised by the woman’s statement.
“Who are you in love with?” she asked.
Kathalin sensed she had her mother’s interest and she very much hoped to capitalize on it. God, help me convince her that this betrothal to Alexander is not right! In order to do that, she was willing to lie. She had to.
It was time to raise the stakes.
“Gates de Wolfe,” she said softly. “And he is in love with me. Alexander knows this. I am definitely not opposed to marriage if it is to Gates. You must betroth me to him, Rosamund. Alexander will not want me, anyway.”
Rosamund was deeply shocked; that much was obvious. “Gates?” she repeated. “He… he cannot possibly be in love with you!”
Kathalin’s eyebrows lifted curiously. “Why not?”
Rosamund was very quickly growing animated in manner. “Because he cannot love any woman,” she insisted. “Do you not know about him, girl? He will say anything to bed you. Sweet Jesus… has he? Did he tell you he loved you and then take you to his bed?”
Kathalin could see how much the very idea horrified Rosamund.
She was going to strike back at the woman any way she could and do whatever she had to do in order to gain Gates as a husband.
If this was the way then, God forgive her, she would take it.
But she stopped short of a flat-out lie; with Rosamund, perhaps the intimation of as much would work the magic she hoped to work. Coyly, she looked away.
“He does love me,” she said. “He told me so. I believe him.”
Rosamund was struggling out of her chair, her outrage evident. “Has he taken you to his bed?” she nearly shouted.
Kathalin could see her mother attempting to stand from the corner of her eye. “And if he has?”
The shock was nearly too great for Rosamund to bear. She fell back into her seat. “Dear God,” she whispered. “Please tell me it is not true.”
“If I want to marry him, and he loves me, why would it be such a terrible thing?”
Rosamund clutched the arms of her chair, her nubby fingers gripping at the wood through the fabric wrappings she wore.
“Let me make this perfectly clear, Kathalin,” Rosamund said, sensing that her daughter was not taking this situation seriously.
“If he has, in fact, bedded you, then I will make sure Jasper throws him in the vault and strips him of his honorable knighthood.
I will then turn him over to the House of de Lohr so that they can punish him as they see fit.
I will not let Gates get away with deflowering my daughter simply to satisfy his lust. I will make sure he is terribly punished. Do you comprehend me?
Kathalin looked at her mother and, suddenly, she realized that she may have raised the stakes of the game too high. She hadn’t expected Rosamund to turn her anger on Gates. Concerned that she may have pushed Rosamund too far, she nodded.
“I do,” she said. “But you needn’t worry.
He did not take me to his bed. He never even suggested such a thing.
Rosamund, please… I love the man and wish to marry him.
He has sworn to me that he will be a good and true husband, and I believe him.
Please allow me my happiness; for once in my life, do something that will make me happy.
I have spent so many years alone and sad, existing at St. Milburga’s because I had to, but what I have discovered with Gates is that there is happiness in the world, happiness such as I had never even imagined.
I have had a brief glimpse of this and I want to know it for the rest of my life.
If you were in love in your lifetime as you say you were, then think back to that time and of how badly you wanted to be with the man you loved.
That is where I am now. Won’t you please let me know such joy? ”
All of the manipulation, the game-playing, and the bargaining between the two of them fled and all that was left was honesty and anguish.
Rosamund stared at Kathalin, seeing the raw emotion on her face, and it cut through the hardness and the control that the woman had been exhibiting.
The look of pure hope cut through everything until Rosamund hardly had any resistance at all.
What she saw before her was herself as a young woman, in love for the first time.
What she saw was great anticipation for the future.
But much as Rosamund’s hope had been destroyed, so would Kathalin’s.
“I understand your plight,” she finally said.
“I understand that you wish to be with the man you love. But life does not always give us what we hope for, Kathalin. Sometimes it gives us absolutely nothing and it is God’s will that we make the best of such things.
I loved Jasper when I married him. I, too, had the great hopes that you do for our future together.
But a terrible disease took my husband from me.
You have only known love for a short time; it will be easier to forget.
Alexander is a fine man and I am sure, someday, you will become fond of him and remember Gates only as a warm memory.
Gates is a man with too many ghosts in his past, ghosts that will shame you and shame the name of de Lara, and it is for those reasons that I cannot agree to your marriage with him.
You do not understand now, but in time, you will. ”
Kathalin was left feeling hollow and defeated by her mother’s response.
The course of the entire volatile conversation had been for naught.
She was where she didn’t want to be, refused marriage to the man she loved.
Well, it would not end here. Much as Gates had sworn not to surrender, neither would she.
“You would deny me my happiness because you were denied yours?” she asked, pain in her words. “You have such power over everything about me… why can you not let me be happy?”
Rosamund didn’t want to argue any longer. She was exhausted from the conversation and she finally shook her head at Kathalin, waving her away.
“I am sorry,” she said simply. “You will leave me now. I must rest.”
Kathalin was distressed that she was being cut short. “That is all?” she said. “You have nothing more to say to me?”
Rosamond waved her off again. “I do not,” she said. “I have said all I intend to. Go, now. Please.”
It was the end, at least for now. Kathalin stood up from the stool she was sitting upon and, without another word, went to the chamber door.
She lifted the latch and paused, wanting to say something more, but she thought better of it when she watched her mother’s maid practically lifting the woman out of the chair.
It was clear that the woman was beyond exhaustion by the conversation.
Perhaps it was best if she left now and let her mother rest and reflect upon their discussion.
Perhaps if she thought about what Kathalin said enough, she might have some sympathy for her and change her mind.
With a heavy heart, she left the chamber and went across the hall to her own, bolting herself inside as Gates had asked. Dropping to her knees beside her bed, she lost herself in prayer.
Praying for a miracle.