Chapter Twenty-One #3
Gates could see that Jasper was serious and he considered his options at that moment; if he continued to argue about it, he could very well end up in the vault for insubordination, but if he simply shut his mouth and let Jasper think he had the upper hand, then he would be able to slip away at some point and Jasper wouldn’t know anything about it until it was too late.
Frustrated, and hurt, Gates opted for the latter.
He would not argue with a man who not only dispossessed the capacity for understanding, but who lacked the reasoning to do so as well.
A selfish, petty man. He had always known that but now, he was seeing it more than he ever had.
He turned back to the wardrobe that contained his possessions, including clean tunics.
“I will be down to the hall momentarily,” he said in a clear refusal to verbally engage Jasper. “Allow me to change into something clean. I will not go to a mass looking like this.”
He wasn’t dressed particularly badly but Jasper didn’t argue with him.
He was simply grateful that Gates wasn’t arguing with him, that he was submitting to him, which is all Jasper wanted, anyway.
Therefore, he turned away and left the room, heading down the narrow stairs that led to the entry level of the gatehouse.
His footfalls faded, echoing off the stone.
When Jasper was gone, Gates emitted a heavy sigh.
It was as if a weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breathe once again.
But the weight of losing Kathalin was still there, like a vise around his chest, and it was a struggle simply to live.
He had no idea he was capable of such emotion, something that literally drained the life from his body.
He was dead already, in purgatory, soon to live out the rest of his life in the indentured hell of a man in love with a woman he could never have.
Gates knew that Stephan had returned with the priest some time ago.
He recognized Father Wenceslaus as he had arrived with the big knight astride his small, elderly palfrey that hardly moved well at all these days.
Gates knew that because Jasper had once offered the priest another horse to ride, a fine animal, but the priest had declined, stating he was quite attached to his old mare.
As Gates had watched from his chamber window, seeing Stephan astride his big rouncey, and the priest riding, strangely, sidesaddle on the back of his elderly mare, he resigned himself to the inevitable.
The passage of the pair beneath the gatehouse had been something of a blow to Gates.
He’d been hoping beyond hope that, somehow, this was all a nightmare and by some miracle, the priest would never come, Jasper would forget about the betrothal, as would the de Lohrs, and he could slip away with Kathalin.
Since leaving her in the garden, he’d done quite a bit of soul searching, knowing that he was doing the honorable thing by not abducting her, but as time passed, he wondered if he was doing something he could really live with.
Had Kathalin been correct? Did he love his reclaimed honor, or at least the idea of it, more than her?
It was quite possible that she had been correct and as the hours passed and the sky turned to night, he was coming to think that he had been wrong. In his angst, he was deeply confused.
Was he doing the right thing?
And then the priest had arrived with Stephan and the reality of what was to take place that night hit him like a hammer.
He’d known all along it was coming but to see the clergyman arrive through Hyssington’s big gatehouse brought it all home.
Kathalin was being married that night and it would not be to him, yet he would be expected to attend the wedding as a show of good faith, that he held no hard feelings, in the hopes that Jasper and the de Lohrs and even Alexander might see that he was made of better things.
He was a de Wolfe, after all, and he’d never in his life truly lived up to that name.
Now, he was hoping he finally would.
He was hoping the cost of redeemed honor was worth the price of a lost love.
“Gates?”
A soft voice came from the doorway and he turned to see Stephan and Tobias standing there. Tobias was already entering the chamber, looking at Gates with great concern.
“We came to see if there is something we can do for you, Gates,” the young knight said. “We have not been invited to the wedding. We thought, mayhap, we could… do something for you.”
Gates’ eyes crinkled at the corners as he suspected what the man meant. In truth, he wasn’t surprised that they knew. The four knights were quite close and there wasn’t much they didn’t know about each other, not even in a situation such as this.
“Like what?” he asked.
Tobias appeared uncertain, hesitant. “Anything,” he said. “Anything at all.”
Gates cocked an eyebrow. “Are you offering to abduct Lady Kathalin and spirit her off so that I may come to her later, and then we will run away together?”
Tobias looked at Stephan with some chagrin because Gates wasn’t pleased by their offer of service.
Stephan chuckled softly. “Something like that,” he said as he came into the room.
Quickly, he sobered. “As you might have suspected, Alex told us everything. Gates, I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you, my friend. If you want our help, then all you need to do is ask.”
Gates’ initial reaction was one of embarrassment, embarrassed because his men knew of his weakness in his love for a woman. But he was deeply touched, and not at all surprised, that they would be willing to risk themselves on his behalf. Their bonds of brotherhood ran deep.
“Did Alex send you to ask me this?” he asked.
Stephan shook his head. “He did not,” he said.
“Tobias and I discussed it. You are our liege and, truth be told, much more of a liege than de Lara ever was. You have stood beside us in battle, have risked your life for us, and now it is time for us to repay the favor. We stand at the ready to do your bidding, my lord.”
Gates looked between the pair; the big, hairy knight and his young, pure-looking counterpart beside him. They made quite the team, now intending to right the wrongs on behalf of Gates and Kathalin. After a moment, Gates simply chuckled and reached out, putting a big hand on Tobias’ shoulder.
“I am honored and touched by your gesture,” he said, “but I will tell you what I told Alex. I would not dishonor him in such a way as to abscond with his bride. The implications of an action such as that would be more far reaching than you know. It would not be a simple matter of running away with Lady Kathalin. To do so would shame Alex, his family, my family, and the de Laras. The greater implications could be staggering. I will not go into all of it, but you get the gist of my reasons. And I thank you for your offer. It means a great deal to me.”
Tobias, who was young enough that he’d not yet learned not to wear his heart on his sleeve, was clearly upset by the situation.
“Alex said that you and the lady are in love with each other,” he said.
“Alex said he did not want to marry her because of it, yet Stephan had to fetch Father Wenceslaus and bring him here. Is Lord de Lara going to force Alex to marry Lady Kathalin?”
Gates sighed heavily. Even the mere mention of what was to take place this evening left him feeling hollow and weak. It was one thing to think it, but to hear it… God, it was painful.
“Aye,” he said. “The marriage is going through as planned.”
Stephan, who had known Gates for many years, could see the anguish in his features. He’d never seen that from Gates before, not ever. It was enough to sink his spirit.
“Gates, are you sure there is nothing we can do?” he pleaded softly. “Anything, lad. If you want me to break down the door to the keep and steal your lady, I will do it. It doesn’t seem right that de Lara is forcing this.”
Gates looked at his old friend. “Bear, if I asked you to pull a wall down to get to a barrel of ale on the other side, you would do it for me,” he said, watching Stephan smirk.
“You are a true and loyal friend, but this is a battle you cannot fight for me. In fact, the war is over and de Lara has won. But I will tell you this and you must vow you will never repeat it, especially to de Lara – after this wedding, which I have been asked to attend, I am leaving for Castle Questing. I do not want any memories of this place after tonight. I am going home.”
Stephan was saddened but he understood. “Of course,” he said quietly. “Shall I have your horse ready for you?”
Gates nodded. “Aye,” he said. “And if you would not mind packing my belongings and putting them on my horse, I would be grateful. Once the mass is completed, I am leaving for good.”
Both Stephan and Tobias nodded. “Aye, we will,” Stephan said. “Is there anything else?”
Gates thought on that a moment. Then, he went to his wardrobe and took out a clean, red woolen tunic along with a small leather purse at the bottom of the cabinet.
He set the purse on the bed as he pulled the tunic over his head, settling it on his big frame, and then retrieved the purse.
He pulled several coins out of the purse and handed them to Stephan.
“You will look in on Helene of Linley from time to time,” he said. “Make sure she and the child are fed. Will you do this?”
Stephan took the money. “Of course.”
Gates looked at the man a moment, a man he’d seen years of battle with. A man who was his close friend. He put his hand on Stephan’s cheek.
“Thank you for your friendship and sword,” he said softly. “If you need me, you know where to find me. But you will not tell anyone else. Understood?”
Stephan nodded firmly. “Indeed, my lord.”
Gates was satisfied. He then turned to Tobias, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder. “And you,” he said, nodding his head in Stephan’s direction. “Listen to this old man and you will live a long and healthy life. Will you do this?”
Tobias nodded. “I will, my lord.”
“And you know my whereabouts, too, but you will tell no one.”
“A thousand instruments of torture could not drag it out of me.”
Gates smiled ironically. “Let us hope it does not come to that,” he said, giving the lad one last pat before dropping his hands. “Good knights, it would seem I am expected at a wedding. Will you escort me to the hall?”
Stephan and Tobias did, gladly, but there was great sadness in their movements.
Gates saw it but he hardly cared, mostly because it was taking everything he had simply to put one foot in front of the other, heading towards the great hall where the priest waited to join the woman he loved in marriage to another man.
He kept praying it was a dream and that he would soon awaken, with Kathalin in his arms and the love between them growing deeper by the moment.
But he knew that was not the case. He was living a nightmare.
He had fleeting regrets about not bedding Kathalin, simply because it would have been a demonstration of his love for her, but he knew it was better this way.
He knew that once he had a taste of her flesh, his honor would leave him and he would become the dishonorable rogue who ran off with Alexander de Lohr’s bride.
He knew that any taste of her beyond what he’d already sampled would have turned him into a mindless primitive, a being led by feelings his common sense could not overcome.
But in his case, it would be more than lust. It was love as he’d never known it.
And never would again.
Once the three of them reached the bailey, the great hall loomed before them in the darkness.
The rain was growing heavy at this point and the long, lancet windows cut into the side of the building were glowing from the light and warmth emitting from inside.
The entry door was open and he could see illumination beyond and he could also see figures standing in the doorway.
Of course, it was the priest and Jasper and the de Lohrs preparing for the ceremony at the door to the hall before proceeding inside and heading to the small chapel that was just off the west side of the hall.
The chapel wasn’t big enough to hold more than six people at any time, a tiny room where generations of de Laras had worshipped.
Tonight, it would see a man’s life ruined.
Stephan and Tobias moved away from Gates midway through the bailey and let the man continue on his own to the hall. Step by step, inch by inch, Gates felt as if he were going to his own execution. Everything for him would end on this night, the life he had never hoped for but found himself wanting.
The love he would never fully know.
Death, to him, would have been preferable.