Chapter Twenty-Six
MATT
The office is quiet. Danger obviously isn’t here—he’s off on his honeymoon with Lunar.
Nate’s at the gallery, and I have no idea where Ryan is.
But Oliver is in the boardroom, and he nods at me as I pass down the hall.
Tillie’s in her office as I make my way past, her head down studying her MacBook, and she’s typing furiously as she stares at the screen, lost in marketing, I’m sure.
The lights are all off, and as I walk into the studio, I see my bass sitting in its usual spot on the amp.
I take a deep breath, feeling a little calmer for just being near it.
Music soothes me at all times, but especially when I’m feeling on edge.
Disagreements are never something I like, and when I have them with people I care about, it is ten times worse.
Flicking on the main light, the room brightens with a warm ambiance.
I love this place. It was my home away from home until Alex.
The guys and I have spent so much time here together, but I’ve spent equally as much time here alone, just playing and working on tracks without them.
It’s where I come to think and just be. Although I’ve been here a lot less because I found the same calm place in Alex that I had here, but now she’s gone.
Sighing, I move over to the mixing board and open the screen, looking for a song to jam along to.
Ryan has obviously been in here because the last tracks on the list are from Luminous, and he always likes their stuff.
I often wonder how the girls are doing back in Australia.
I make a mental note to check in on them from time to time.
As I continue to scroll, the moment it pops up, I know instantly that it’s exactly what I need right now. I hit sync to load it into the system, then take the remote over to my bass.
I throw the strap over my shoulder, switch the amp on, knowing all the settings are in the right positions, and take a seat on top of the amp.
Taking a deep breath, I strum through the four strings, feeling the deep bass tones echo through the room.
The vibrations from the amp run up through my thighs and into my ass, making me smile even if it is weakly, while an immediate sense of peace washes over me.
A moment of calm in an otherwise chaotic day.
I pick up the remote and hit play. The soft, familiar intro of “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur fills the room, the melody wrapping around me like a warm embrace.
But as the first verse begins, an image of Alex singing by the fire pit flashes in my mind.
My stomach tightens, a subtle ache I can’t ignore.
Settling my fingers on the strings, I let them find their rhythm, aligning with the song’s cadence.
James and Anne Marie’s voices are flawless, as they pour through the speakers, but it’s Alex’s version I hear in my head—the rawness, the sincerity.
I strum along, the chords resonating under my fingertips, and suddenly, a song that once held no significance is weaving its way into my heart, becoming a favorite for reasons I can’t quite explain.
As I play, the lyrics sink in, their meaning whispering truths I hadn’t stopped to consider.
I don’t sing along. Instead, I let the lyrics wash over me, the strumming of my guitar echoing softly in the space.
The warmth of the room’s light casts a golden hue, and the vibrations of the strings hum through me, grounding me in the moment yet pulling me deeper into thoughts of Alex.
Music floods the room, filling the space with the vibrant energy that I love.
It’s like a beautiful epiphany. This song could be about Alex and me in another time and place.
It’s passionate and melodic, and even though my mood is somber and reflective, I still get a thrill from the sound.
Like every time I play my bass. But it could also be from the living color memory of Alex and the fire pit.
Mixing the two could be a toxic combination for me.
Is it possible that even though I only just saw her, I miss her?
I feel like I’m mourning her. Knowing that I could possibly never see her again makes me feel anxious, and as I play my bass, my chest squeezes, and my jaw clenches. The song plays out in its entirety, and I squeeze my eyes before the wall breaks and the tears fall.
I’m stronger than that.
I need to hold it together, but I feel like I’m losing.
I know I’ve fucked everything up.
I hurt her!
I damn-well hurt her.
And I know that.
I just want Alex to feel better.
“Say You Won’t Let Go” begins to play, and I can’t bring myself to strum the chords as I sit here with my eyes shut, trying to hold it together.
“Jesus Christ, you look like your puppy died. Plus, you’re listening to “Say You Won’t Let Go.” Are you going soft?” Ryan asks, making me snap my head up. He’s standing shirtless in the doorway, sucking on a popsicle, dripping in sweat.
Raising my brow, I clear my throat and hit the pause button on the remote. Then I pull my bass over my head as he walks in and takes a seat on the stool next to my amp. “Why are you so sweaty?” I ask.
“Was working out,” he says matter-of-factly.
I glance at the sugary popsicle he’s devouring and grin. “And you spent all that time doing crunches, and now you’re eating that? With your health history?” I ask, and he looks down at the treat, his tongue halfway out, and shrugs.
“Don’t tell, Tillie. I stole it from Lunar’s freezer. It tastes like a Pina Colada.”
“Oh, so it’s sugary and alcoholic. Jesus, Ryan,” I berate, rolling my eyes.
He chuckles. “It had a two-star health rating on the packet,” he defends.
I chuckle. “Ryan, five is good. Therefore, two is bad.”
He slumps his shoulders and frowns. “Oh, shit… oh well, I did twelve extra sit-ups today. That should cover it, right?”
I chuckle. “Doubtful.”
He takes a long lick up the stick like an adolescent child. “So, enough about me, why are you in here being a Mopey Mandy?”
I scoff. “Am not.”
He snorts and licks his popsicle again. “Dude, you were nearly having an emotional meltdown when I walked in here.”
Sighing, I slump. “How did you know when you’d fucked things up with Tillie?”
He chuckles. “When she threatened to leave. She was packing up and getting the hell out of here because of me. Geez, man… that makes you feel like fucking shit when the woman you love is walking out. Don’t ever let that happen to you, Matt.
The panic you feel when you think they’re leaving and not knowing if you’re ever gonna see them again.
Fuck. I grew some real man balls in that moment. ”
Nodding, I gnaw on my bottom lip. “I don’t think I have to worry about her leaving, but I’m not even sure what I feel for her. How do you know when it crosses from friends to more than that?”
He bumps his shoulder into my leg, seeing as I’m sitting higher than him. “That’s a tough call that only you and Alex can make, man.”
I open my eyes wide and cough. “I never said it was Alex.”
He chuckles. “Don’t have to. She’s the only female friend you have besides Tillie, Lunar, and Ria, and if you’re crushing on any of those girls, you’re in for a whole new world of hurt, my friend.”
“Yeah… I did something stupid,” I admit, and his eyes brighten as he smiles widely.
“Oh, do tell.”
“I slept with her, then told her we’re still friends, and she took it hard. I’m pretty sure she wants something more from me, but I don’t know if she’s the right woman for me. Plus, we were friends, you should never date your friend. That’s like common law or something.”
He snorts, throwing his head back with a giant grin. “That’s so fucking dramatic, Matt. Many friends end up in long-lasting relationships. You have to see if the chemistry is there. Which, with you and Alex, it is from what I’ve seen and heard.”
“What do you mean… from what you’ve heard?” I ask, and he tilts his head while squinting at me.
“You think your brother doesn’t talk about you when you’re not around? Especially when you and his little coworker get along so well. He sees the way you two are with each other. Nate picked up on it months back that you two would end up in the sack together.”
Jolting my head back, I take a lungful of air at this news. I had no idea. Nate never said anything to me. “Well, if everyone can see us together, how come I haven’t seen it?”
Ryan sighs and slaps my leg. “Sometimes we’re so focused on our path that we’re blinded by the destination.”
Smirking, I try to hold in my laugh. “Ryan, that’s way too insightful for you.”
He chuckles. “I know. It was on one of Tillie’s journals, but in any case, I think it’s fitting right now.
Just think about what you want. Think about what Alex wants, and if it is the same thing, then fuck being friends and go the fuck for it, I say.
She’s hot as fuck, and man, you need to get laid again ’cause you were totally about to cry like a little bitch just then, you pussy,” he teases, shoving my side, and I almost fall off the amp.
“Fucker… I need to call her, don’t I?”
“Yes, you do, and send flowers or chocolates or something she loves. Make it up to her, Matt. Show her you want to make it right. But only if you are on the same page. Don’t give false hope on unsure feelings.”
I nod and pull out my cell as Ryan licks the last of his popsicle.
He stands and slaps me over the head as he walks out of the room.
“No more sappy music, fuck head, you’re a rock star.
Act like it,” he says and walks out with a smirk as I dial Alex’s number.
My chest tightens, and my stomach sinks.
I feel sick, but I need to tell her I’m sorry and make things right.
It rings… and rings… and rings, eventually going to voicemail.
I swallow hard. Maybe she didn’t get to her cell in time.
So I try again. This time, it rings twice, then she clearly cancels the call.
My body tenses, and all my muscles go rigid.
So she’s really pissed at me. Bringing my foot up, I kick the stool Ryan was sitting on, sending it tumbling to the floor, bouncing a couple of times before rolling slightly, then settling.
Yeah, that didn’t help.
“Fuck.” Frustrated, I push my fingers through my hair as I take a deep, shaky breath.
I want to message Nate, but he might not be able to read my messages thoroughly, and ringing him with Alex there might piss her off even more.
So I decide to leave it for a few hours and try again.
I’ll wait until she’s home for the evening, then I’ll maybe message or try to call when she isn’t at work.
Jumping off the amp, I place my guitar back on the top and switch it off, then walk over to the sound system and flick it off, too.
It’s obvious I’m not going to be able to relax here anymore.
A pint of ice cream is calling my name at home, then maybe I will work out a bit to try to burn off some of this frustration.