Chapter 17
“Hey, Ella!”
I paused near the buses and turned to look for my brother. “Hey yourself. I assumed you’d be in your bus sexting it up with your wife.”
“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that.”
“What? Sexting?”
Chase made a face. “Fucking stop it. I wanted to talk to you about Jesse.”
Ice flushed through my bloodstream. Oh no. Crap. He knew.
He knew.
I thought I had more time before we had this little convo. At least not until I’d figured out if there really was something with Jesse first.
Crap, crap, crap.
“Um, okay.”
It was so not okay.
“You weren’t in the car with us earlier, but his mom called and said some shit. I didn’t get all of it, but she’s engaged. Again. And whatever’s going on really hit Jesse. He shut down, and I’m worried about him. Would you keep an eye on him for me?”
“I, uh, sure. Of course.”
“Thanks.” Chase smiled. “I know he sees you like a little sister, so try not to be too annoying about it.”
I choked then coughed lightly. Sister? Yeah right. “I’m not annoying.”
“Agree to disagree.”
“This is a really weird way to ask for help. Do you usually insult everyone you ask for a favor, or am I special?”
“You know you’re special.”
The tender way he said that immediately made me suspicious…and then he confirmed it when he continued.
“Did you know when you were born you were so special that your incubator had tinted windows? It was the only way to trick mom into taking you home.”
There was a pregnant pause as his insult hit, then we both laughed. I couldn’t be mad at him. Brothers.
“Just keep an eye on him for me, would ya? I’m gonna be busy with Shay the next few days. I have a feeling the tabloid speculation about the separation is gonna hit hard once we reach Phoenix. Xander is still all fucked up from that Kelly bullshit, and Noah isn’t exactly the one any of us go to in case of emergencies, and I just know Jesse is inches from an implosion.”
“And you’re going to be pelvis deep in my bestie, so that just leaves me.”
Chase made a face. “I’d ask Harper, but she’s already in Phoenix setting up the next show. And Wes has enough on his plate. That leaves you. I have a feeling Jesse might do something stupid tonight. I tried to get him to ride on my bus, but he said he wants to be alone.”
Which would make my watching him extra awkward. I raised my eyebrows as I tried to figure out how to make my nosiness natural and not like a stage ten clinger.
Chase must’ve seen my skepticism because he shook his head. “Just…watch out for him? Please?”
“Of course. Always.”
Chase smile and tipped his chin. “See you in Phoenix.”
“Once you and wifey come up for air.”
Chase turned and headed for his bus, flipping me off over his shoulder like he did when we were teenagers.
Leaving me standing in front of mine with what felt like the world on my shoulders. I wanted to be there for Jesse—ached to be there for him—but Jesse hid behind snarky comments, a bad attitude, and alcohol.
Takes one to know one. Hiding happened to be my go to move too.
After taking one more deep breath, I straightened my shoulders and headed for the door to my bus.
And walked straight into Sodom and Gomorrah.
I knew the guys partied on the road. Hell, I’d walked into more than my share of awkward scenes over the years. But this was the first time it’d happened on this tour. And on my bus.
I didn’t know where to look.
Xander was sprawled out on the couch with two girls. A blonde sucked his lips while a red head was working her way down his abs. Because he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Although, to be fair, neither was the blonde.
In the kitchen area, Noah had three women—all brunettes—playing some drinking game while he tried to light a bong. Despite the fact that we were stationary, Noah swayed so hard, he couldn’t hold the lighter anywhere near the bowl.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be taking any pictures of these activities for their social media. I sincerely hoped someone had confiscated cell phones earlier.
If this was what the guys were getting up to out in the open, what was Jesse doing by himself?
The thought almost took me out at the knees.
I staggered down the aisle, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Not that anyone was paying any attention to me. Judging by the noises and shrieking coming from the kitchenette, whip cream had joined the party. I would not be cleaning that shit up.
I reached the bunks and found them empty.
My gaze flicked to the end of the bus where the door to the smaller living room was closed. Awesome. That would make it harder to “accidentally” bump into him. I’d have to go through a closed door to do it.
Harder, but not impossible.
I quickly dug through my bunk, grabbed my laptop from my tiny storage spot, and headed for the closed door. The party continued to rage behind me. No one had even noticed I’d gotten on the bus.
Shoving the door open, I jumped inside the room and shut the door behind me.
“I told you assholes—” Jesse paused with his mouth open as I stood in front of him.
I couldn’t stop the sigh of relief when I found him holed up in here with only a bottle of tequila for company. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he’d had hard drugs or another woman with him.
My shoulders slumped and I gave him a weak smile. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. I just wanted to get away from the chaos out there.”
Jesse’s eyes had flicked back to stare endlessly at the tequila bottle in his hands. It was like I’d ceased to exist.
But I continued. “I promise to be as quiet as a church mouse.” I crossed the room and sat at the other end of the sofa. “I’m too wound up to go to sleep, and I have some work I could do. You won’t even know I’m here.”
Jesse chuckled darkly but still didn’t say anything.
Taking his silence as permission, I pulled out my laptop and got to work. I connected my camera to my laptop and ran through the pictures I’d taken today. Soon I was lost in editing.
“Is this seriously where you saw yourself when you were little? Still hanging around us assholes and mooching off Chase for a living?”
The words came out of nowhere and slapped me upside my face. My fingers froze on my keyboard as I turned to stare incredulously at Jesse. “What? I’m not, I don’t… What the hell?”
“I mean it’s not exactly a surprise to me. You always followed us around even then. Staring at me with those moony eyes. Fuck me, you were so obvious.”
I hunched even smaller. It felt like he’d taken all my insecurities and slapped them up on the walls—after he’d slapped me in the face with them. Tears welled in my eyes. “Why are you being so mean?”
Jesse just lay there on the other end of the couch with a smug little smirk on his lips like this was funny. Like he wasn’t tearing me open with his words.
“Haven’t you heard? Apparently, I’m just like my asshole father. Figured I might as well embrace it. It’s written in my DNA after all.” Jesse lurched as he struggled to sit up.
I shut my laptop and shoved my equipment into my bag. I had to get the hell out of here.
“No wait. Look. It’s right here.” Jesse pulled his shirt up to expose the tattoo inked across the left side of his ribcage. An image of razor wire and thorns were twirled in a helix spiral like it was jutting out of his skin.
I’d never noticed that tattoo before. It was easy to miss since it blended in with the others covering his torso. But judging by the shading and placement, it was one of his older ones.
“Maybe I should have it touched up and include some assholes too.”
“Jesse.” I didn’t know what to do, what to say. He was obviously hurting and lashing out, but I didn’t know how to help him. No one had ever even talked about his dad. I’d assumed he’d done a runner like mine. My sperm donor had peaced out while my mom was pregnant with me. I’ve seen a few pictures of him, but that was it. Never heard from him. Never did the joint custody shuffle like all my friends. It had been just me, Chase, and my mom. And then Jesse. When he’d moved in down the hall with his mom, he’d quickly became a fixture in our apartment. I’d thought Jesse and I had the whole absentee father thing in common, but maybe not. “I don’t remember anything about your dad. I didn’t think he was in your life.”
“He’s not. He’s never going to be.” Jesse bit out the words then took a swig of tequila like it was water. That wasn’t a good sign.
A strained silence hummed between us.
Then Jesse laughed darkly. “He popped up once after we released our second album. Had the fucking nerve to come to me for a handout. Like I would give that asshole a cent after what he’d done.”
I chewed on my lip. I probably shouldn’t ask—he was clearly in a turbulent mood—but I had to know. “What did he do?”
Jesse laughed again. “’What did he do?’” Some tequila spilled out of the bottle as he gestured wildly. “Dear ol’ da liked to show his love with his fists. You know, just a love tap here and there. Then one time he choked my mom. I was six. And I tried to pull him off her, so he flung me into the wall. Then he picked me up by my collar and shook me. Christ, I was so fucking scared. I pissed my pants. Thought for sure he was going to kill me.”
My heart froze in my chest. How did I not know about any of this?
“But he just flung me to the floor, shouted some more at Mom, and then left. Probably headed back to the bar.” He shook his head and took another pull. “We moved into that shitty apartment complex down the hall from you guys the next day.”
“Jesse…” I had no words. My heart hurt and I wanted to comfort him, but Jesse didn’t look like he wanted anyone around him at the moment.
“We never talked about it. Any of it. Anytime it happened, we just all went about our stuff the next day like it never happened. Even when we moved after that little episode, we never talked about why. I never once asked her about him. I was so fucking glad there weren’t any boxes of his shit. He was out of our lives. Good fucking riddance.” Jesse put the bottle to his lips and muttered, “Why couldn’t she leave him there?”
I remembered what Chase had said when he’d asked me to look in on Jesse—his mom called and said some shit. I didn’t get all of it, but she’s engaged. Again.
“Is your mom marrying your dad? Again?”
“What?!” Jesse choked, spraying tequila everywhere. He sat up and coughed roughly as he pressed his free hand against his chest. “Fuck no. Where’d you get that from?”
My shoulders hunched again. “Sorry. I just put this little walk down memory lane together with something my brother said about your mom calling about getting married again. It made a sick kinda sense. But I’m guessing I’m wrong? Thank god, right?”
Jesse rumbled something resembling a laugh only without any joy. “You’re not totally wrong. She is getting married again. But to an old stepdad. Don’t even remember the asshole. Then she told me that I’m a carbon copy of my old man.”
“What the fuck?” I boggled at Jesse. “Does she not know you at all? How can she seriously think you’re anything like that asshole? What the hell is her problem?”
Jesse stared at me, open mouthed for the second time since I got onto the bus. Like he expected something else from me.
“What? Don’t tell me that didn’t piss you off. I’ve never even met your sperm donor, and it pisses me the hell off.”
He tipped the bottle at me. “Why do you think I’m in here with this?”
“Well, fuck that. She doesn’t get to live rent free in your mind with that bullshit. You’re not an abusive ass. You don’t hit women. She knows fuck all about you if she thinks that.”
“Thanks, Ella,” Jesse said quietly. “That means more than you know.”
I reached over, grabbed the tequila out of his hand, and took a swig. It burned going down, and I choked out a cough. “Shit, that burns.”
“Not once you’ve drank a third of the bottle.”
“Right.” I shook my head. “Probably time to get some water in you. You’re gonna have a fucking headache otherwise, and you’ve got a show tomorrow night.”
“You vastly underestimate my metabolism.” He gestured at the bottle, in a gimme motion.
“Nah, I’m gonna keep it.” I tilted my head. “After all, that’s what mooches do.”
He closed his eyes and cursed.
“This is your one and only pass. I get that you’re hurting, but that doesn’t make it okay to shit all over the people who care about you.”
“I hear what you’re saying.” Jesse shifted on the couch and wouldn’t meet my eyes. “But in my defense, the door was closed. And I’m pretty sure my body language was saying leave me alone.”
“Just own what you did. No one put words in your mouth. You did the exact same thing that you’re pissed at your mom for doing to you. Be better. Treat people with a fucking ounce of kindness. It doesn’t cost a dime. And you know more than most what leaves lasting scars. Do better.”
I slammed the bottle of tequila down on the table, grabbed my stuff, and left the room.
Jesse didn’t say or do anything to try to keep me there.