Chapter 19
NINETEEN
santos
I’d been up here with Ever for three months. My family hadn’t said a single word.
No idea why I woke up thinking about it, but now that it was in my head, it rattled me. I didn’t want their contact. My relationship with them was miles apart from Ever’s with their parents, which wasn’t to say his came without issues.
It made my skin itch, regardless, which wasn’t a new feeling, but I didn’t think I’d been so aware of it before this…past month?
That sounded about right.
“What’s wrong?” Ever mumbled.
He spoke in his sleep sometimes, mostly when it was only an hour or two before his alarm started recreating the sunlight. He never remembered, but he was oddly coherent most of the time.
“Sleep,” I whispered. “I’m just going to go for a run.”
After I kissed the top of his hair because I really needed to figure out where he bought his shampoo.
“Hmm.” Ever stretched sleepily. For some reason, even with the heating in the house, after I’d had to drag him to bed last night, he’d begged for one of my old hoodies.
I didn’t remember him being this sensitive to the cold before, but he looked too fucking good on them.
I wasn’t a big hoodie person anyway. Most of the ones I had came from the academy or guys in our unit buying them for my birthday or Secret Santa. “You run a lot.”
I snorted, my knee dipping into the mattress as I got out. “Why, you wanna join me?”
Even in his sleep, he scrunched his nose at the idea, right before turning so his back was to me.
I tucked him back in and slid out toward my own room, moving fast. Mornings in the north of Spain were no joke, and unlike Ever, I slept in just whatever pair of underwear I’d grabbed that morning.
The visit from Ever’s parents had lasted less than a week, thankfully. I knew we were adults, but I’d still felt weird, sneaking in and out of his room as if afraid I’d get caught. Afraid that I’d get in trouble again.
There had never been much of a thrill in doing it.
Not while we were in school, and I spent weekends and holidays here.
Not when things started with her. Not now.
I didn’t care how many audiobooks talked about the adrenaline and the high from it.
Those were usually DNF’ed soon after sharing that sentiment.
I shrugged off the dreary thoughts and went through the motions of putting on my running gear and heading out.
I’d picked up running when I first joined the academy.
It was multi-purpose. It gave me time to be on my own, and it helped me stay fit for all the tests, while it was something the other guys couldn’t berate me for.
One of the guys who had shared a room with me used drawing as a coping mechanism, and he’d gone through hell.
Running was safe.
It was still safe now. I might not need to hide, and I might know that it was okay to not be strong, and perfectly fit, and to have coping mechanisms that didn’t feed into a toxic idea of masculinity, but by now, running had become meditative, too.
It cleared my head, and it was an easy routine.
Something I didn’t have to train myself on from scratch. It was just there.
Now it came with the bonus of fresher air and quieter paths across the fancy as fuck but mostly uninhabited neighborhood that housed a bunch of property the Royal Family had acquired over the centuries.
It was a better landscape than just blocks of buildings housing soldiers with zero attention to detail or artistry, that was for certain.
Thoughts about the scenery soon turned into the reason—the multiple reasons—that had me running in the first place.
While Ever’s parents had been here, I’d been okay.
Focusing on keeping the peace and on making sure Ever was not too overwhelmed, and the conversation didn’t drift into topics that would quickly turn into conflict, took over my brain.
Everything was about keeping a positive image in front of them, keeping Ever close, giving him comfort while they weren’t looking.
Even the few days right after they left, things were fine, too. I was still focusing on Ever, making sure that he wasn’t going to crash like he did after things went south with that Dom he was texting.
Focusing on whether or not he was okay was familiar. I could spend all my energy there.
It wasn’t sustainable long term, though. After a few days had passed, and Ever was making plans to meet with some of his friends from the BDSM club, it was clear I wasn’t needed.
Which wasn’t a bad thing.
I didn’t want him to depend on me. I wasn’t a Dom, and even if I were, I wouldn’t be that kind. I couldn’t deal with that kind of pressure.
Still.
It left doors open for other thoughts. Other issues to ruminate on.
Everything that I’d thought I could completely ignore, except life apparently didn’t work that way.
I’d been doing so well the first few weeks. Before Ever started asking questions. Before I started having more…flashbacks.
Before his friends started worrying, too.
I still had to set up a time to meet up with Carlos.
With the therapist he’d recommended, too.
He had texted to check in last night. I’d replied and promised I’d set up a date for this week. Whether or not it had been a good idea was still up for debate.
I guessed it made sense. I was clearly not coping well. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted. What I needed. What I’d even say.
Hi, I’m Santos. My parents are homophobic pieces of shit and made me sign up for the Air Force if I wanted to have a place to stay and a proper inheritance.
Now I’m discharged, everything is blurry when it comes to a woman who kept asking me to meet her in her room after hours, and I’m in love with my best friend and moving way too fast with him for anyone’s standards.
Oh, and for some reason, I freeze every time I have to make a choice that involves more than three different options, and no one is making me feel bad for it, but I feel like they should.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure that was going to fly. Surely, there wouldn’t be a handbook on what to say in response to that mess.
How did people figure it out? I’d watched some videos, role-plays of first appointments with a therapist. They asked what you wanted to achieve from therapy, and people gave an answer, and I had no idea what my answer would be.
I had no idea what I wanted to achieve. I just knew I couldn’t go on like this. I couldn’t pretend everything was fine until I completely burned out and fucked up everything. I couldn’t be a disappointment again.
My feet thudded against the pavement. I hadn’t memorized the streets around this area yet, but that didn’t seem to matter. I just let my body carry me faster, blur everything else around me.
I just had to keep going. Keep moving.
I just had to get it all out, go back to the villa, and be the boyfriend Ever deserved. The whole Dom thing already put me at a disadvantage, but I knew Ever. I knew I could give him everything.
I could have him, the one good thing that had always remained good.
It would be fine.
I was mostly focused on my heart thudding against my ribcage as I left behind the streets full of housing no one could afford, when my feet failed me.
It happened too fast.
On reflex, my hands absorbed most of the impact, but I still felt the sting on my knees as I rolled over.
Away from the road.
Safety came first.
I grimaced. My legs had a few scratches, and getting some of the pebbles encrusted in the palm of my hands was going to hurt like hell. It already hurt. It would be fine, though.
Ignoring the stab that came when I moved, I fumbled to grab my phone from the protective case around my arm. The case felt scratched, but the phone lit up as soon as I grabbed it, the screen looking as good as it had before.
I stopped as I stared at the lock screen—a picture of Ever he’d sent me once during the winter holidays a couple of years ago because I’d dared him to buy one of those ugly sweaters that were slowly becoming a tradition here as well.
What the fuck did I do?
No, I could walk back. I didn’t need help. I just…
My sight blurred once more, the uncomfortable hotness that preceded tears making my eyes sting. Making me gasp for breath.
Fuck.
I went to my messages. There weren’t many people there.
Ever.
Carlos.
The therapist.
Guys from my unit who hadn’t bothered the second I was out.
I ran a hand through my hair. Still too short.
I shook it off.
My thumb trembled as it hovered over the icon.
It was a mistake.
It had to be.
He picked up before I could rethink it.
“A bit early, isn’t it?” Rustling followed. “This better mean you’re finally ready to meet up, kid.”
I breathed out. This was stupid. The fall hadn’t been that bad. It shouldn’t be taking this much out of me.
“Sorry, sir.” I rasped out the words. I barely recognized my voice. “I can do an early breakfast.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I was so screwed. “If it’s okay, sir. I understand—”
More rustling. “It’s okay. Send me a pin, and I’ll pick you up.”
“How do you—”
“No fucking way you’re this worked up in that mansion Carlos told me about.”
Shame swirled up. At least, it was a more familiar feeling.
“Sir?”
“You can drop the military speak, you know?”
I shook my head. I needed something to tether me. Something to tell me where the boundaries were.
“Hypothetically, do you know anyone who…” I licked my lips. “I think I need someone, a professional, to hear about…stuff that went down, and just tell me what happened, because I, I I think I just, I need to know, sir.”
“What kind of stuff?”
I cringed. I should have waited. I should have texted the question after I got through breakfast, I just…
Deep breaths.
I had to focus on that.
“Sexual,” I pushed the word out in little more than a whisper. “Maybe. I don’t know. She was a higher rank, and I…”
I clamped a hand over my mouth before I blabbered out more than I should in the middle of a vacant road.
“Fuck’s sake,” he grunted. His voice was lower than I’d expected for a therapist. “Yeah, I can give you a few contacts after breakfast, but Santos?”
“Yeah?”
“None of them is going to tell you what happened.”
“But…” I grunted as I sat up more properly. Getting away from the road meant I was sitting on muddy greenery, which added wet and dirty—dirtier—on top of feeling all sorts of sore. “What if it was all fine, and I’m just being stupid for some reason?”
“We’ll talk more in person, okay? Send me your location and hang tight.”
“Yeah. Okay.”