Epiphany #4
“Oh! Papers from Mrs. Martinez.” Kestrel pulled out of the hug to free them, only now noticing there was something written on the back sides.
On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
Her heart set to pounding so loudly, if Andrews spoke to her, she didn’t hear it.
“Give me a minute,” she said and ran to the conservatory. In a state of both acute panic and hope, Kestrel paced between the sunlight-drenched walls and the pots of green, breathing, growing things, and unfolded the papers. The handwriting was the same as her twelve-days-of-Christmas notes.
Kestrel,
I can’t sleep. I’m in the Windy Nook library writing with quill and ink by candlelight. There was so much more I meant to say to you tonight. I’ll try to speak plainly in writing.
Kestrel’s eyes widened. The gift notes had been in Hank’s hand, but he’d been writing with a quill pen. Austenland had changed even his handwriting.
You asked me once to fight for you. But I was too much of a coward. So I came here to show you that I don’t only know your nacho preferences. I also know what matters to you.
After we broke up, I spent a few months trying to be my old self again—reliable Hank, youngest Kern sibling, who doesn’t quite fit in.
He’s not married yet. He reads too much.
And he got into his head that he wanted a college degree from a non–Dairy School.
(Sacrilege!) But I felt less myself than ever.
I realized that outside the context of my family, I didn’t really know who I was. So as soon as I graduated, I moved to Chicago to help me find out.
Kestrel gasped. In the eyes of the Kern family, it surely would have seemed an extreme and rebellious action.
At first, it was like I was going through withdrawal.
I was addicted to being needed by my family and having the security of the farm as my home.
But after a while, I stopped missing who I was with them.
Cody’s dad gave me a job in his advertising firm.
I liked parts of it, but sitting at a computer felt confining. I actually joined a gym.
The idea of Hank in a gym, working out on machines around other urbanites, was so absurd, Kestrel had to laugh.
Every time I visited Wisconsin, my family invited Greta over, obviously trying to set us up.
I couldn’t feel anything for her. No one else had a chance.
I was still thinking about you constantly.
Every time I saw something interesting or escaped a weird situation, I felt myself half turn as if to share it with you.
If I saw something I thought you’d like, I bought it, a way to keep thinking about you in a positive way, to feel I was still connecting with you without intruding on your life.
When I saw the news about the contest, I contacted Pembrook Park to ask if I could mail them the gifts.
I wanted you to have them, but I didn’t need you to know they were from me.
Charming emailed me back and said you’d be there for the twelve days of Christmas.
I had collected exactly twelve gifts. It seemed serendipitous.
She proposed that I come in person to give them to you like Santa Claus, and that morphed into me coming as a gent.
I got caught up in her enthusiasm and fantasized that when we saw each other, we would just know if we could be together again.
But after Hoodman Blind, I felt so mortified.
You’d been having fun and my presence ruined it.
I regretted coming and almost left the next day, but when you told Edwin to ask me for help with the horse, I took it to mean you still had a good opinion of me.
So I didn’t leave. To be honest, I was looking for reasons not to.
Gloria helped me keep my head. She kept saying, “Stay till Twelfth Night and then decide.”
Kestrel smiled, imagining how Mrs. Martinez had been the friend to Hank that Jerome and Andrews had been to her. The unexpected kindness of people pricked her eyes with emotion.
The truth is, I have lived with my head down, avoiding conflicts, doing what others tell me is right. I didn’t mind my life so much, but it was a dark room, and when you entered, you were this brilliant light.
You are bright, and you brighten everything around you.
I see everything more clearly when you’re near, including myself.
Your generosity in offering to share your light with me is the greatest, kindest, most precious gift anyone offered me.
And I refused it because I was afraid. All I could ever hope is to earn back your good opinion enough that you might share your light with me again.
Please don’t make a choice out of pity. I can live without your light, Kestrel. These past two years have taught me that. But I’d rather not. How I’ve missed the bright brilliance of you.
Hank
Kestrel looked down at her feet. They appeared to be touching the floor. How extraordinary, because she felt upside down and floating, hair loose and dancing, feet tangled in the chandelier.
A noise from far off grabbed her attention, tense voices shouting. Kestrel jumped to her feet and ran out. Andrews was also headed for the front hall, and Jerome was glaring out the front door.
“That pie ass came back,” he said.
Kestrel instantly knew he meant Bobby.
A red car was parked in the drive, as bright as a massacre against the snow. Bobby stood beside it, shouting at Charming.
“I said, get in the car.”
“And I said I’m not getting in your stinky, gassy car, you stinky, gassy nimrod,” said Charming.
“Sir, you should go home,” Jerome said as he and Andrews positioned themselves on either side of Charming.
Bobby ignored them. “You’re embarrassing yourself, Bubba. Let’s go somewhere private and talk.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” said Charming. “I don’t trust you. Besides, you make me feel like dusty mud.”
“I’m the only one talking sense to you, darlin’!” Bobby’s hands clenched and unclenched. “And I’m tired of asking. GET IN THIS CAR NOW!”
Just then, Edwin’s car entered the gates. Bobby noticed everyone’s attention shift to the oncoming car, and that moment seemed to make a decision for him.
“I’ll make you come,” Bobby said as he started up the stairs.
Kestrel felt instinctively that this had to end before Edwin was forced to defend Charming. Her purse was still on her shoulder, and she shoved her hand in, feeling around for the bottle of bear spray as she walked down the front steps.
“Bobby, I’m gonna give one warning and that’s it,” said Kestrel, pulling out the spray. “Turn around and go now.”
Bobby kept climbing the stairs toward Charming, and he put a hand on his waist as if to retrieve something. What if it was a weapon?
Kestrel carefully aimed and pressed down. A stream of bear spray struck Bobby in the face.
He hollered and fell to the ground, rubbing at his eyes.
“BLEH! ARG! GUH! PLEH!”
His screaming was juxtaposed by the absolute stillness of everyone around him. Nobody rushed to help. Nobody spoke. They all just stared as he screamed and writhed on the ground.
Edwin’s car stopped fast, and he jumped out. “What is happening?”
“He’s trying to make me go with him!” said Charming.
Bobby growled low and crouched as if gathering his strength to pounce.
“It’s a full canister, Bobby,” said Kestrel. “And you saw that I don’t ask twice. Leave right now.”
Bobby cast a swollen, red-eyed glare, but he climbed into his car and jerkily drove out the gate.
Everyone was backing away from the spray zone with some coughs and worried exhales.
It occurred to Kestrel that if Charming didn’t care for it when a woman bated her ex into an infidelity caper, she might be even more upset when said woman doused him with a wildlife-grade chemical repellant.
She stared at Charming, her body tense in anticipation of reproof.
Finally Charming asked, “What was that, Kes?”
“Bear spray?” said Kestrel.
“Hm,” said Charming. “I’ve gotta get me some of that.”
Did that mean she was forgiven? Kestrel’s anxiety was building to a crescendo when she asked, “There are bears in England, right? Wild bears?”
“Well . . .” Edwin frowned. “I once saw a very fat fox that was quite nearly bearlike.”
“You don’t say,” Andrews offered in support.
Edwin held out his hands shoulder width apart. “This fox was simply massive. Though carrying all that weight on those wee legs, I doubt it was ambulatory.”
He shook his head sorrowfully. The rest were silent as they contemplated the idea of such a formidable fox.
But the panic was still rising in Kestrel’s belly as she realized there were likely no bears whatsoever on this island nation, and she had likely just sprayed a man with a likely illegal substance, and that likely meant legal trouble.
A criminal charge wouldn’t look so great when she applied for a work visa.
“I mean,” said Kestrel, “bears aside, if the police were to come by, I would have reason to happen to have bear spray on me for protection, right? Bobby was touching his waist, and I thought he might have a weapon, so I just . . .”
“I think it possible that Bobby will go to the law crying assault,” said Andrews. “So it is very fortunate that there are so many firsthand witnesses to swear under oath that Bobby was physically aggressive and was threatening Charming, and therefore Kestrel’s actions were defensive.”
They all murmured assent.
“Really?” Kestrel’s throat felt tight with emotion. “You’d all speak up for me?”
“Abso-frickin’-lutely,” said Mrs. Wattlesbrook.
Andrews gasped. “Mrs. Wattlesbrook!”
“What?” Standing in the doorway, Mrs. Wattlesbrook looked mortified. “Isn’t that the American way to assert complete agreement? Miss Charming told me it was. I practiced the phraseology. I am not beyond learning new things!”
“You said it perfectly!” said Kestrel, rushing up the front stairs toward her, but Mrs. Wattlesbrook held up a defensive hand and declared, “No more kissing, if you please.”
“You all right, love?” Edwin whispered to Charming.