Chapter 19
A Week Later . . .
But baby girl must be picking up my energy because I’ve been told that she’s been hitting a few of the kids at day care this week.
For that reason, I took today off so my baby and I can get our minds right.
It’s not sitting right with me that Caziya is not only hurting but hasn’t done what she told me she would do.
I have sent several messages and left two voicemails after my calls went unanswered.
So far, all I’ve gotten back is radio silence.
“Are you really gonna sit like a statue the whole time I’m here?” Asia asks.
My gaze shifts from whatever is on the TV to beside me, where she sits.
Her dark brown eyes peer into me with concern as her brows hike.
With my thoughts on Caziya and her lack of communication, I had forgotten that Asia was here.
I disconnect our stare down to look at my lap where Zakiyah rests in a much-needed nap.
“Is it too early in my relationship for me to stalk this woman?” My eyes still rest on Kiki, and my blood pressure elevates.
“Why are you thinking about stalking her?”
It’s not my place to tell my woman’s business, so I bite my lip while I try to figure out what I can say that won’t violate Caziya’s trust.
“I have gotten used to seeing and talking to my woman on a daily basis. She’s going through something, and it’s been a week now. I miss her.”
I take a second to look at Asia, only to see the goofy grin surface as her eyes fill with a mix of humor and joy.
“Aw. Why not go check on her then? I’ll stay with Kiki until you get back. Or better yet, how about I just take her to my house? That way, you can spend some time with your lady without worrying about my niece.”
“I have work in the morning, and she has to go to day care.”
The idea of sliding into Caziya to remove the backup I have has me in a momentary lustful state.
The treasure that’s between Caziya’s thighs is something memories, thirst traps, and life sentences are a result of.
All Ziya has to do is let me love her through her mommy issues, and everything will be fine.
But no, she has put me on ice, and I’m ready to crash out.
“Work doesn’t stop nothing but the time you swindle about my suggestion. Not to mention, I’m one of the authorized people who can not only pick Kiki up but also drop her off. Go check on your woman. My niece and I will have a mid-week sleepover.”
Who am I to argue or put up any more roadblocks when I want to not only lay my eyes on Caziya but wrap her in my arms as well?
My chest has been tight and achy all week because I don’t know how Caziya is doing.
This will be my second pop-up, but if she had sent a reply or an emoji to let me know she’s okay, I wouldn’t have to resort to these measures.
This is really her fault more than it is mine.
“Okay. Thanks, Sis. I appreciate you for real.”
This moment is one I don’t take for granted because my parents or sister don’t have to do the things that they do to support me with Kiki.
In this moment, I’m grateful for Asia’s offer.
I would have been in my feelings and probably found myself contemplating crash-out methods that wouldn’t land me in jail.
“Why do you always feel the need to express thanks or appreciation? As your sister, it’s not an inconvenience for me to do the things that I do. Your life has been on hold for two years because you have skin in the fatherhood game that many don’t. Now pass me my niece so we can be on our way.”
A smirk slides into place as I gently ease Kiki off my lap and into Asia’s open arms. My baby must be tired because she doesn’t stir or flinch from the action.
“Let me find out you’ve given my niece an aid to have her this comatose,” Asia teases.
“A father never tells his secrets.” I wink.
I stand when Asia and Kiki head toward the front door to leave without another word. My mind spins with every step I take behind Asia, and an image of Caziya from a week ago nearly trips me. I’m unsure what state I’ll find her in, but I utter a prayer the second Asia is gone.
“Dear Big Homie, I come to you now on behalf of Caziya. I don’t know what state of mind she’s in.
Nor do I know how she’s been this week. But I ask that you would give her peace and comfort.
Even now, touch her mind and break every word curse, every past trauma, and every present stronghold.
I ask that you give me the words to comfort, strengthen, and provide the peace that Caziya might need.
I also ask that you give me the ability to react without resentment if she rejects my presence a second time.
In the matchless name of Jesus, I pray. Amen. ”
I jog up the steps to hop in the shower and run through a quick cleanup since I have been in a lounge atmosphere and mindset all day.
Like a prostitute with a Jasper waiting, I’m in and out of the shower in under fifteen minutes.
I brush my teeth, put on a T-shirt, joggers, and a pair of slides, and then descend the stairs in another fifteen minutes, as if the house is on fire.
My mind continues to swirl as I get in my vehicle and back out of the driveway.
My chest is still tight, my stomach is in knots, and the vein in my neck pulses angrily.
Even the music that plays in the background can’t keep me entertained or occupied during the drive.
An ache in my chest surfaces the second I pull into Caziya’s apartment complex.
My forehead wrinkles when her car comes into view because of the crooked way it’s in the spot.
I pull into the visitor spot next to Caziya and exit my vehicle with urgency before I take the steps two at a time.
I take a breath when I reach her door before I knock several times.
My body temperature and heartbeat increase as I wait for her to answer.
I hold my breath with the sound of the locks disengaging a couple of seconds later.
“Hi, Zakai.” The two-word greeting along with the hollowness within Caziya’s eyes causes me to pull her into my chest.
My arms automatically wrap around her body as I fight not to release the tears her downcast disposition causes to seep into my body. I close my eyes as I mentally communicate with Big Homie.
Alright, Big Homie. Please give my lady what she needs to ease this pain. Her pain is doing something to me, and I don’t know what to say or do to help her. Please, Big Homie, do what only you can.
When the last word is thought, I open my eyes and place a gentle kiss on Caziya’s head. Her hands clench my shirt, and her body sags further into me.
“I know I have been distant, and I’m sorry.
I just—I’m having a hard time right now.
I’m trying to get myself together. I just haven’t felt the need to talk or be bothered with anyone.
” Caziya’s words are soft spoken and hoarse as I wonder if she’s done anything but unleash her emotions over the last seven days.
“You don’t have to apologize, Ziya. I just needed to lay eyes on you. I won’t even pressure you to let me in.”
My statement is light, but part of me wants to demand that she allow me to come in and hold her all night.
“I’m glad because I don’t want you to come in. This moment is nice, but I still need a little more time. I don’t want to share my brokenness with you. Well, no more than I already have.”
Damn. This is killing me, Ziya.
“No worries. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.” The contradiction in my statements is for Caziya’s benefit and not the fracture in the chambers of my heart.
I want to beg Caziya to let me come in. I want to force her to talk me through what she feels. But my need to not overwhelm her outweighs my desires. With that in mind, I place another kiss on her head and release her from my embrace.
“I miss the fuck out of you, but pressuring you into an uncomfortable position isn’t something I’ll ever do. But know, whenever you want or need me, I’m just a phone call or text away. Now go inside.” I tap her ass gently and take a step back, giving her permission to do as I say.
Internally, I want to cut my damn tongue out of my mouth because I don’t want to walk away or leave Caziya in her current state.
In fact, I want to follow her into her apartment and stay until I know for sure that she’s okay.
My shoulders slump, and I turn to walk back down the steps to my vehicle with a heavy feeling that surges through my body.
I feel like I want to kick the orange cat that runs into my path just to relieve the tension in my shoulders.
But I’m not into animal cruelty, so I continue toward my vehicle.
I sigh when I’m inside the interior before I sit still, unable to leave right away.
In this moment, I know without a doubt that I’m in love with Caziya.
My heart aches, and the urge to simply stay in this spot overtakes me.
I feel like I should guard Caziya from an unknown entity, and that keeps me rooted in place.
I take a second to insert my key in the ignition, but I make no attempt to leave.
My phone rings with an incoming call from Dad that I answer after the second ring. “What’s good, man?”
“I don’t know why you talk to me like I’m one of your homies, Son.”
“Probably because you are, or at least I like to think so. But not in a disrespectful way or anything. I do consider you to be my best friend, though. Unless you want to relinquish the title to a less deserving person?”
“Nah. Ain’t a mothafucka alive that can take my place. But is everything good with you? Oddly, you've been on my mind, so I’m calling to make sure everything is okay. Where’s my Kiki? It sounds quiet in your background.”
“Giving space to the woman who holds my heart has me out of sorts. This shit is killing me, but it’s what she’s asking me for.”
“Damn. If your new woman is already tired of you, this isn’t a good sign. What did you do to that woman, Son?”
A low chuckle escapes my mouth, and I shake my head with my eyes on Caziya’s apartment on the second floor. The humor is difficult with the pain I feel in my chest, especially since I know I’m innocent.
“You didn’t raise me to cause any woman distress. This battle with my woman is a familial one. I’m just trying to practice patience while she goes through it.”
“Ah. Gotcha. All you can do is let her know you’re available whenever she needs you and say some prayers on her behalf.”
“Already on it. Thanks.”
Dad and I talk for another five minutes before the call disconnects.
I turn up the radio for background noise as my eyes focus on the windows above.
Since Kiki isn’t home, I have nowhere to go, so I settle in to guard over the woman who has my heart in a vice grip.
Whether she wants my presence inside her place or not, I’m not going anywhere for a while.
The deep level of torment, rejection, and sadness from the temporary separation has me unable to form any logical thoughts.
Man, I hope this shit ends soon because I’m unsure how much more my disposition can take.