At Your Feet
IF I CLOSE my eyes, I can still feel him.
This shower feels amazing on sore muscles, and maybe that’s why, when I close my eyes, Eli is behind me again. His arms circle my shoulders, but this time, unlike this morning, he commits to the embrace. This time, his hands don’t hover, don’t disappear and leave me in the cold, wishing.
Instead, he grabs mine—God, so gently—envelops them in his and presses them against my chest. This time, I lean back, like I longed to, back in that stall, and I feel the whole expanse of his chest shielding my shoulders like a winter coat.
And we stay there—here, in this shower, letting the water wash over anything else but the warmth. It’s so warm.
I don’t want anything else, not one thing. Not a kiss, not hot shower sex. Just this, just his arms. His chest on my back, his hands on mine against my chest. Just this feeling of wanting forever.
But it’s impossible. And forevers don’t survive the impossible.
Slowly, I peel away a hand from my chest, hang it on the shower knob. I take a breath and shut the water off.
Don’t want to cry in the shower. That’s where I draw the line.
My body feels heavy as I step out of the en suite .
I consider splaying naked on the bed, but if I did, that’d be the end of my day.
Which I’d gladly accept if it meant sleep until morning, but it never does.
Staring at the ceiling and replaying every misstep I’ve ever made is not as relaxing as one might think.
I towel off and sit on the bed, force my hands to put on some underwear, sweats, a hoodie. The evening is nice, and it’s still early, so maybe I can watch the sun set?
Oh God, I’m that person now. Gonna stretch out my legs, snap a picture for my highlights reel. Hashtag living my best life.
Just kill me already.
I try really hard to one-up that idea, but I’m too tired to either read or doom-scroll, so I get my ass up and step outside. Instantly, I spot Kellan and Lena, so I halt and rethink my whole strategy. They’re being quiet and sitting still, though, so maybe the sugar crash already hit.
Ultimately, my demons and I agree they’re exactly the distraction I need, so I man up and walk to them. Lena is sitting cross-legged on the log bench under the courtyard tree, and Kellan is star-fishing on a lounger, towel wrapped around his head, cucumber slices on his eyes.
“Bastards. Didn’t even invite me to spa day,” I say, plopping on the other lounge chair.
Kellan says nothing, just reaches into his silk kimono robe with the speed of an old turtle, and slips out a whole zip-bag full of cucumber slices. He tosses it to my whereabouts and fails remarkably, the bag splatting on the grass. I don’t reach for it.
Lena giggles. “Kellan is seeing goddess. Very zen.”
“The goddess of what, salads?”
Kellan doesn’t move his body, only his fingers, curling them all but the middle ones. I almost snort .
“Goddess of elasticity,” Lena explains. “Asking for eternal youth, like evil queen from fairytale.”
“Well…” I give him a look. “He’s nailing the queen part.”
“Aww, Vale… I knew you loved me, but this much?” Kellan gushes, lifting a cucumber slice to give me a wink.
I sigh, settling back into the lounger. “I regret it already and completely.”
“No, you don’t.” He lets the slice flap back into place. “You think I forgot our little secret?”
“Our what ?”
Lena gasps so loud I almost think she choked. “Secret? Tell me secret! Tell me!”
Kellan lifts the slice from his eye again, this time directly to his mouth—the other one too—and I’d barf if this shitbag wasn’t spreading fake rumors about us.
“Well, it was the night after the Classic in Portugal, three years ago,” he starts like a grandpa telling a bed-time story, and I’m so done already. Not Lena, full pre-pubescent schoolgirl, palms cupping her cheeks. “I was horny and—”
“Oh my God, stop!” My hands slap against my ears. “I don’t even care what the secret is, just stop talking.”
“Shh!” Lena flails her arm at me. “And? Did you two fuck?”
“You shut your whore mouth!” I yell at her, sitting up so fast my neck stings from whiplash. Then I look around the courtyard—no one else out here, thank goodness.
Kellan grins. “We did not. Sadly for our rabid raccoon pet—” Is that supposed to be me? “—I’m not into power-bottom twunks with mommy issues.”
“That’s…” Too accurate. “Fuck you.”
Lena laughs, hand on her belly. Kellan lifts a finger to the sky. “But!” he continues. “Our profiles did come up for each other that night, so we were mildly compatible. And I know you remember! ”
“Fuck yeah, I remember. Swiped left so fast, my phone went flying.”
“Wait, wait!” Lena says, wiping a tear from her eye. “What are twunks? Explain the gays to me.”
“Oh, honey. We’re not nearly drunk enough for that conversation,” Kellan tells her. “If you corrupt your brain with the gays, you’ll be ninety and still cleaning out the glitter.”
Her cheeks fill up like a chipmunk, and I guess that’s her being annoyed? Too stinkin’ cute to take seriously, though. “Then profiles? Is an app?”
“You’re not on any hookup app?” I’m honestly shocked. But then I remember she’s practically a baby—she can’t even legally drink in some countries.
“Trainer man checks my phone.” She shrugs, then gets up from the bench and practically dead drops onto Kellan’s lap. He groans in pain, and fuck him, he deserves it. Hope she squashed his balls. “Show me the gays.”
Kellan slips his phone from his robe, still visibly in pain. I grin. Best spa day ever. “I’m not responsible for any mental distress this may cause you,” he says, tapping the screen.
Lena’s eyes are wide in awe, but soon they lose the sparkle. “Where is?”
“Yeah, well.” Kellan purses his lips. Then nods my way. “This one’s a no-go already, so he wouldn’t show on my map. So yeah, it’s the void.”
“What is void?”
“The dark map full of nothing,” he says like that’s actually a thing and he’s genuinely sad. “No gays in the area, my love. It’s desert town.”
Lena gets up, hurting Kellan yet again, bless her, moping back to the log bench. “Is too sad. I get no fucks. You get no fucks.” Her head shakes, eyes empty. “So sad. ”
“Yeah…” Kellan keeps swiping around the map, as if there’s anyone else a little farther off, out in the woods. Maybe a literal bear with good WiFi. “I wish Horse Daddy played for our team. He’d light up my map.” He sighs like a poor orphan wishing for parents.
I shake my head. “As if Eli would be on a dating app.” Would he?
“The entirety of our team is on at least one app,” Kellan insists. “Every last one, plus the curious. This is factual, my guy.”
“Stop saying our team. Fucking middle schooler.”
“No, Horse Daddy is not in gays team. This is confirmed,” Lena says casually, gathering her damp hair over her shoulder.
Kellan and I share a frown. “What do you mean, it’s confirmed?” he asks her. “Confirmed how?”
“Oh, Rey said to me.”
She doesn’t even look our way, just smiling softly, raking her fingers through waist-long hair like she’s playing the harp. Seconds pass with no explanation, not a thing. Kellan snags the bag of cucumber slices from the grass between us, opens it, takes a handful, and hurls it at her.
She shrieks. “Yucky! Kellan!”
“Explain, woman! What do you know?”
“Rey said. By fire pit.” She points at the unlit cast-iron bowl on the other side of the courtyard.
“She is much chatty after drink number three.” A giggle then, like that’s not top intel she should definitely share.
Rey doesn’t just say things, and definitely not about Eli.
He’s reserved, and she’s respectful. Nothing ever comes out of her.
Before drink number three, apparently.
“So…” Kellan leans forward on his lounger. “You just went and asked her about Eli’s sexuality? Just like that?” He slow cl aps, grinning at her. “Bitch, respect.”
Lena puffs up her chest at that, flicking a cucumber slice off her arm and returning to her finger-combing. “No. I say I’m horny. Then I ask Rey if Horse Daddy would fuck me.”
We’re silent, gaping at her. And I gotta go along and whisper, “Bitch, respect,” too. This literal baby, teaching us about unfiltered honesty and unapologetic self-confidence. Taking notes.
“Rey says that maybe, but only if I’m not this young.” She shrugs. “All good. We fuck much in my dreams.”
“Hell, yeah.” Kellan nods. “We fuck much in my dreams too.”
“Okay, back up.” I hold up my hand. “How did you go from a maybe to it’s confirmed ? That didn’t confirm shit.”
“Yeah!” Kellan hollers. “You’re holding out on us. More juicy Rey nuggets!”
“Oh, yes. She also say he is… How you say—?” She taps her chin. “When not homo, but also not not homo?”
My gut crunches. “You’re saying…he’s bi?”
Her fingers snap. “Bisex, yes! Very good, gold boy.” She giggles. “But she says not too much of either. Has been long time.”
No. No, he can’t be.
All this time, he…
My mind races back. A full month ago. Yeah, he was flirty when we first met. Wasn’t he? Maybe a few times after too? No, but that’s just how he is—easy smile, open arms. He’d be flirty with anyone. I’ve seen him be flirty with others.
Right? I thrash around my memories. I’ve seen it happen. Didn’t I?
Stop! The fuck does it matter? It changes nothing. An unlocked door is still not an open one. And this one is still not okay to cross .
Because it’s not. It’s not okay.
This isn’t right. I can’t. It’s not happening.
It can’t happen. What if—? No! Just— Please.
It’s not real. I can’t have him.
Just stop.
“You okay, man?”
“No,” I blurt out. Then shake my head. “Wait, what?” Kellan is clenching my bicep. Lena is crouching by my knees. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
“What’s wrong?!” I’ve never seen Kellan’s face that serious. He’s worried?
“Cassian, is okay. Big breaths, yes?” Lena’s voice wobbles, her face even worse, eyes glassy and rimmed red. “Like this. Do this.” She starts breathing purposefully loud, slow and deep, in through the nose, out through the mouth. And I follow. It helps. Why is it helping? Helping what?
I look down. Lena is gripping my hands hard. And my left wrist… My scar there… It’s scratched raw, blood beading up from the red streaks.
Did I…do that?
There’s blood under my fingernails, right hand.
I did. Right now. Scratched so hard it bled.
And they saw. They saw it. Everything.
I start shaking. My whole body. I yank my hands from Lena’s, scratch at my chest, my scalp. My face, skin, eyes—everything is lava and rocks. My heart is in my ears. And it’s wrong, and loud, and—
Fuck I can’t breathe. I need air.
“I… I need—” I try to stand, legs jelly, eyes darting for the door. My room. “I need to go.”
I can’t see right. I blink, but it’s blurry. I manage a few steps, but Kellan blocks me. Lena clutches my sleeve with both hands.
I shove her off me. Shove Kellan too—punch him when he doesn’t move. He catches my fist, spins me around, my back to his chest. His arms circle my shoulders and lock. “I can’t breathe,” I choke out, try to tell him. He’s making it worse.
“I know,” he says, quiet, right next to my ear. “But the air’s right there. And there’s enough. There’s enough air, okay?” I hear him breathe too—deliberate, loud—like Lena did earlier. “You can breathe. Just in and out.” His arms lift my shoulders, then lower them softly. Up and down. In and out.
Lena comes closer, her face shiny with tears. I see her better—the blur is fading off. Gently, she takes my hands and presses them against my chest, covers them with hers. “In and out,” she whispers. “Feel chest move. Chest is breathing, so you are too.”
Eventually, I get my breaths back to normal. Heartbeat too. My body would say we stood like that for days, just breathing in and out, but the sun didn’t even set yet.
Kellan is still holding me in a bear hug, his chin resting on my shoulder.
Lena is still holding our hands to my chest, but now she’s smiling, nodding.
And tired, I can see it in her eyes. I slip one hand off her hold on my chest, wrap my arm around her, and drop her against me.
Then I sigh and let my head fall back against Kellan’s shoulder.
“Well, this was exhausting,” I croak.
They both chuckle. I smile.
“My brain does same sometimes,” Lena says, voice muffled on my hoodie. “Not your fault.”
“My trainer had to hold me like this for an hour once. He timed it.” Kellan huffs. “I can’t even remember what triggered it.”
What triggered it. I think I do.
It was Eli. What Lena said about him. That he’s bi.
It’s just like cages in a zoo, isn’t it? You can convince yourself all you want that you could pet a tiger, or hop on a rhinoceros and ride it around. The cages don’t just keep the animal in, they keep idiots from killing themselves over impossible fantasies.
But now the keeper dropped the key at your feet. What do you do?
What do I do?
Do I still call it pointless? Do I pretend this wanting never burned in the first place?
Or do I let the tiger gut me slowly? Let the rhino trample over me, completely, until I‘m mush?
Do I let myself believe it could happen? That my story could become our story, come hell or harmony, depth or darkness, storms or sunlight. Come life. Come laughter. Come…fondness.
Could he…one day, maybe…be fond of me too?
My chest tightens again, but before it can hollow out into panic, I shut my eyes. Press Lena closer. Let my weight sink back into Kellan’s hold.
It doesn’t matter right now. Nothing will change, not right now, right this moment.
So I let my breaths wash over everything else but the warmth. It’s so warm.
In and out.