Moods Shift and Thunder Rolls Lizzie
MOODS SHIFT AND THUNDER ROLLS
Lizzie
FEbrUARY 26, 1999
M Y MIND WAS SLIPPING AGAIN .
I could feel the shift in mood coming down the tracks like a freight train, aimed and poised to annihilate every ounce of progress I’d made.
“Get down on your knees and beg me to stay…”
“Stop fighting me and I won’t hurt you next time…”
“Be a good girl and take your pill…”
“You crazy, little whore, I can feel you getting off on this…”
“Bend over, slut, and remember, if you scream, I’ll kill her…”
Plagued by nightmares and memories of a life that never existed for me, I relied heavily on the scissors hidden under my mattress to get me through the days.
Stars and scars, gaping and hollow, cut, cut, cut, slice, slice, slice .
The bloodier the mess, the longer the peace of mind.
Imprints on my skin that mirrored the pain imposed on my heart.
“Elizabeth, come out, come out, wherever you are…”
“You can’t hide from me…”
“I can feel you inside me…”
“I can find you anywhere, little, busy Lizzie bee…”
My thoughts raced so wildly that not even the medication put in the back of my throat could tame the beast awakening inside of me.
I wanted to take off all my clothes and feel the sun on my skin.
I wanted to peel the skin from my bones, strip by strip, until everyone could see how impure I was on the inside.
I wanted to throw myself out of my bedroom window and impale my torso on the window bars below.
I craved to know how it would feel to sever my carotid artery and watch the blood drain from my body.
Would there be enough to drown the monster?
Maybe I could sharpen my nails into daggers like the scary lady and kill him in my dreams.
Losing grip on reality wasn’t something unfamiliar to me, but every time it happened, I was consumed by the fear that I might not make it back this time.
Please don’t let me make it back this time .