Chapter 35 Ivan
The rest of Sunday is quiet. Heavy with things we're not saying.
We don't talk about the future anymore, don't revisit the painful conversation from this morning.
We just exist together, trying to soak up every minute we have left, trying to memorize each other.
We shower together this time. Nothing sexual, just the intimacy of washing each other's backs, of sharing the small space, of being naked and vulnerable and safe.
We get dressed slowly, neither of us wanting to move toward the inevitable.
We walk to Betty's for a late breakfast even though neither of us is particularly hungry. It's more about delaying the moment when I have to pack my bag and leave.
Betty doesn't comment on the way we're sitting closer than before, on the same side of the booth instead of across from each other. But I catch her smiling when she refills our coffee, see the knowing look in her eyes.
I watch him try to really eat this time, not just pushing food around his plate the way he usually does. He's making an effort. He catches me staring and raises an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Nothing. I'm just glad you're actually eating, instead of pretending."
"You told me to. You asked me to try."
"Since when do you do what I tell you? You've never listened to anyone in your entire life."
He smiles at me. "Since you started making good points."
We walk back to the motel slowly, taking the long way around even though it's barely three blocks. Neither of us wants to get there. Getting there means I have to pack. Packing means I have to leave. Leaving means this perfect bubble we've been living in is about to pop.
Back in the room, I pack my bag while Jay sits on the bed and watches. It doesn't take long. I only brought one change of clothes and a toothbrush. Everything fits in the small overnight bag easily.
"I need to leave soon," I say, zipping the bag closed with a finality that makes my stomach clench. "I want to be home to help the kids before they go to bed. I promised them."
"The kids?" He looks up at me, curious.
"Caleb and the twins. Diana has a math test tomorrow and I promised I'd help her study tonight.
We have a standing date on Sunday nights.
I help her review whatever she's learning, quiz her on vocabulary, that kind of thing.
And Caleb won't go to sleep unless I read to him.
" I sit down on the bed next to Jay, close enough that our thighs are touching.
"It's our routine. It's been our routine for years now.
I can't just disappear on them without warning. "
"I get it. You have a family. Real responsibilities. People who depend on you."
"They're part of why I can't just drop everything and move here, even if you wanted me to. Even if circumstances were different." I take his hand, lace our fingers together. "I have obligations. People counting on me. It's not just about what I want."
"I would never ask you to abandon them. I'd never ask you to choose."
We sit in silence, our hands joined, both of us staring at nothing. I can feel the minutes ticking away, each one bringing us closer to goodbye.
"I want to say something about the money," I start carefully. "About what we talked about this morning."
"Ivan..." He warns.
"Just hear me out. Please. I'm not trying to start a fight.
" I turn to face him more fully. "When you say you won't take my money because you don't want charity, because you don't want to be a project, I understand that.
I really do. I respect it. Your pride, your independence, your need to stand on your own.
But I need you to understand something too. "
He waits, watching me with those dark eyes, his expression tight.
"You're my family," I say, and I mean it with everything in me.
"Not just because we grew up together or because we're whatever we are now.
Boyfriends, partners, whatever word we want to use.
You're family because you're the only person in the world who knows what I went through growing up.
You're family because when I think about my future, you're in it. Always."
He nods at me, but doesn't interrupt.
"Rosalyn and Mitchell have helped me with things I couldn't afford on my own over the years," I continue, needing him to understand this.
"Doctor's appointments when I got sick. Trade school books that cost money.
My truck insurance when I was first starting out and barely making minimum wage.
They never once called it charity. They never made me feel small or dependent.
They called it being family. They said that's what families do. They help each other."
I squeeze his hand.
"So, when I offer to help with the arrest, with paying back Mick, with whatever you need, it's not because I think you're a project that needs fixing.
It's not because I see you as less than me or broken.
It's because that's what family does. And you're my family.
You've been my family since I was twelve years old. "
Jay is quiet. His eyes are fixed on our joined hands, his throat working as he swallows hard.
"I hear you," he finally says. "I'm not saying yes. I'm not saying I'll take the money. But I hear what you're saying. I understand where you're coming from."
"That's all I'm asking. Just think about it."
The hours slip away too fast after that, time accelerating like it always does when you want it to slow down. We lie on the bed together, my head on his chest, his fingers running through my hair in slow, soothing strokes. Neither of us talks much. We just breathe together, exist together.
"Tell me about the kids," Jay says after a while, breaking the comfortable silence. "The ones at Rosalyn's house. You mentioned them but I want to know more."
"What do you want to know?"
"Everything. What are they like? What do they do? What makes them laugh?"
I smile, picturing them. "Caleb is six. He's obsessed with dinosaurs.
Like, completely, utterly obsessed in the way only six-year-olds can be.
He can name every species, tell you what era they lived in, what they ate, how big they were, what their fossils look like.
He corrects the teachers at school when they get dinosaur facts wrong in science class.
The teachers think it's adorable. Caleb thinks he's just being helpful. "
Jay laughs, and the sound fills the room. "Sounds like a handful. Sounds like a kid who's going places."
"He is. But he's sweet too." I trace a pattern on Jay's arm, feeling the warmth of his skin.
"He still crawls into my lap when he's tired, even though he's getting too big for it.
Still wants me to read to him every single night.
Same dinosaur encyclopedia, same pages, over and over.
I could recite the Tyrannosaurus Rex entry from memory at this point. "
"That's really sweet. You're good with him."
"The twins are ten. Diana and Destiny. They're identical.
I mean truly identical, same face, same hair, same height, same everything.
But their personalities are completely different.
" I shift slightly, getting more comfortable.
"Diana is the serious one. Straight A's in every subject, always worrying about tests and homework and whether she's doing enough.
She stays up too late studying sometimes and I have to make her put the books away and go to sleep.
Destiny is the wild one. She's always getting into trouble, dragging Diana along with her on adventures. "
"And they all live with Rosalyn permanently? Or are they waiting to be adopted?"
"They live with Rosalyn and Mitchell, yeah.
Caleb's parents' rights were terminated.
There's some complicated situation with drugs and neglect.
The twins' mom is in prison, serving a ten-year sentence for something.
I don't know all the details. Rosalyn doesn't talk about the kids' backgrounds much.
Says it's their story to tell if they want to.
" I pause. "Mitchell is trying to adopt all three of them officially. The paperwork is in process."
"What's the house like? I can't even imagine what it's like living with that many people."
"Loud." I laugh. "Always loud. Someone's always yelling or laughing or playing music too loud or arguing about whose turn it is to do dishes. There's never a quiet moment. Never a second where you can't hear someone else existing."
"Sounds overwhelming. Sounds chaotic."
"It was at first. I didn't like it when I first got there.
I was so used to being invisible, staying quiet, making myself small.
At the Hendersons and the group homes before that, noise meant attention and attention meant punishment.
And suddenly I'm in this house where everyone notices everything and wants to talk about it.
Where Rosalyn asks about my day every single night at dinner.
Where the kids want to play games with me and include me in everything.
" I pause, remembering those first few months.
"But I got used to it. Now I can't imagine living any other way.
The silence feels wrong when they're all at school and the house is empty. "
"What does Rosalyn do? When she's not wrangling all those kids?"
"She works part-time at a daycare in the mornings.
Just a few hours, four days a week. Helps with the bills without being gone all day.
" I smile, thinking about her. "And she hums when she cooks.
She doesn't even realize she's doing it half the time.
Mitchell teases her about it and she gets all flustered and denies it. "
"That sounds nice."
"It is. They're good people. The best people I've ever known." I lift my head to look at him, needing him to see my face. "What about you? Tell me more about your life here. The stuff I don't know yet. I want to know everything."