Chapter 36 Jay
The room feels emptier than ever after Ivan leaves. The craving hits me almost immediately. I walk to the bathroom on autopilot and check the hiding spot. The pills are still there, tucked out of sight. I don't touch them.
Fuck, I can't fall apart the second he leaves. If I do, nothing changes.
I need to do something productive. Something that moves me forward instead of keeping me stuck. I think about what I told Ivan this morning. About getting my shit together. I can't control the arrest yet, but I can control other things. Small things.
I can work more. There's no reason for me to sit around in this empty room at night while Ivan is working his ass off. I need to find a second job.
Betty's diner stays open until ten on weeknights. They probably need help with dishes, cleanup, prep work. It would keep me busy. Keep me out of my own head. Give me extra money to pay back Mick.
I could walk over there right now, but I stop myself. Not tonight. Tonight, I need to prove to myself I can make it through the night alone without fucking up. I'll go tomorrow during a slow time and ask properly.
I spend the next few hours cleaning. Scrubbing surfaces, sorting through clothes, taking out trash, changing sheets. When I run out of things to clean, I sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of things I need to do.
Call about the arrest tomorrow. Ask Betty about work. Figure out what I owe Mick. Stay sober. One day at a time.
It's not much of a plan. But it's something solid to focus on.
At exactly nine, my phone rings. Like Ivan promised.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself. You made it home, okay?"
"Yeah. Caleb tackled me before I even got through the door. Diana made me help her with math for an hour."
"Sounds like home."
"It is. I missed it." He pauses, probably realizing what he said. "I missed you more, though."
"I missed you too. How's Rosalyn? Did you talk to her?"
"She's good. Actually, I need to tell you something important."
My stomach tightens. "What?"
"I talked to her about us. About you and me."
"You told her? Already?"
"I told her I have feelings for you. Romantic feelings. And I told her about our history, what we went through at the Hendersons, what you did for me."
I sit up, heart pounding. "What did she say?"
"She was surprised but not upset. She said love is love. She's worried about me getting hurt, about you being in a fragile place." He pauses. "But she said you sound like someone worth fighting for. And she wants to meet you soon. When you're ready."
I don't know what to say. I expected her to shut me out, not invite me in.
"She really said that?"
"She did. She's great, you'll see for yourself when you meet her. There's no rush. Whenever you're ready."
"When I've got my shit together."
I can hear sounds in the background—kids' voices, doors closing, the normal sounds of a busy house.
"There's something else," Ivan says. "About the arrest. I did some research on the drive home when I stopped for a sandwich."
"What did you find out?"
"If you get convicted, it can follow you for years. Background checks, housing, jobs. But there are options. If you get the charges reduced or dismissed, you can get it expunged. Wiped off your record."
"That sounds expensive."
"It requires a lawyer." He pauses. "And I want to help.
But hear me out differently this time. If we're going to be together eventually, your record will affect both of us.
Landlords run background checks on both applicants.
So, my offer to help isn't charity—it's an investment in both of our futures. "
I'm quiet, turning this over. I hadn't thought about it that way.
"You're serious about this? About us. Long-term."
"I've never been more serious about anything. You're it for me."
"And you think a lawyer can make this better?"
"I think a good lawyer can make it a lot better. But you need to find out what you're dealing with first. Can you call tomorrow? First thing?"
"Sure can. First thing in the morning. I'll call and find out what I'm facing."
"And if you find out you need a lawyer..."
"I'll think about it. The money thing. I'm not saying yes but I'm not saying no either."
"That's all I'm asking. For you to think about it."
We talk for another hour. About Caleb's dinosaurs, Diana's math anxiety, the stray cat, Betty's coffee, the sunset. Small things and big things.
When we finally hang up, it's almost ten-thirty. I lie back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
The room is still empty. But something feels different than it did earlier.
I have a plan. Small steps. I have a phone call to make tomorrow. A second job to ask about. Mick to pay back. Ivan's voice still echoing, telling me I'm worth fighting for.
The craving for alcohol or pills is still there. But it's quieter now. Manageable.
I fall asleep without reaching for the pills.
It's not much. But it's something.
One day at a time.