Epilogue Part One Jay #3
"So today, I'm making a new promise to you. I promise to remember you every single day for the rest of my life. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because remembering you—loving you—is the best thing I've ever done, and I will never, ever stop."
He lifts one hand to cup my face, his thumb brushing away my tears tenderly. His eyes hold mine, and I can see our whole history there—the barn, the separation, the searching, the finding, the healing.
"I'll always remember your name," he says softly, reverently. "And I'll spend the rest of my life being your safe place."
He leans closer, his forehead almost touching mine, and whispers the words I said to him over twenty years ago when I found him crying under his bed on his first night at Henderson's house, when he was so scared he couldn't breathe.
"I'm here now," he says. "You can breathe. You're safe."
I let out a sound that's half sob, half laugh. My whole body is shaking. I don't know how I'm still standing.
Pastor Daniels gives me a moment—a long, generous moment—to collect myself.
"Jay, whenever you're ready."
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, but the tears keep coming in waves. It doesn't matter. Let them fall. Let everyone see how much this means.
"Ivan," I start, and I'm already wrecked, barely recognizable, scraped raw. I have to stop, breathe, try again.
"Ivan. When I was fourteen years old, I made a promise to a twelve-year-old boy who was too scared to sleep at night. I told him to remember my name. I told him that whatever happened, whatever tried to separate us, he had to hold onto who I was. And I had to hold onto who he was, too."
I reach up and touch his face with both hands, mirroring what he did to me. His skin is wet with tears, warm under my palms.
"So, I'm going to say it now," I tell him. "In front of everyone here. The way you said it back to me in that barn."
I take a breath and recite the words that saved us both, that kept me alive when I wanted to die.
"Ivan Allen Collins. Birthday September twenty-third. Born in Atlanta, Georgia. Birthmark on the right shoulder blade, shaped like a kidney bean blob." My voice cracks on the next words. "Safe place is the barn, with me."
Ivan is crying so hard his shoulders are shaking. I pull him closer, making him look at me, making him see me.
"I remembered," I whisper fiercely. "Every single day.
When I was drunk, when I was lying on that motel floor wishing I could just disappear and make the pain stop—I remembered.
Ivan Allen Collins. September twenty-third.
His safe place is the barn, with me. It was the only prayer I knew.
The only thing I believed in when I couldn't believe in anything else, not even myself. "
I have to stop. The emotion is too big, too overwhelming, pressing against my chest and demanding to be released. I breathe through it, holding onto Ivan's face like he's the only solid thing in the entire world.
"I spent seven years thinking I'd lost the only good thing that ever happened to me," I continue when I can speak again.
"Seven years trying desperately to forget how much it hurt to be without you.
I told myself I wasn't worth finding. I told myself you'd moved on, found a better life, forgotten all about the broken kid you used to hide with in that barn.
I convinced myself you were better off without me. "
I shake my head slowly, firmly.
"But you didn't forget. You never forgot.
You searched for me every single month for seven years.
You never gave up, even when you had every reason to.
And when you finally found me, I was at my absolute lowest. I was nothing.
I had nothing. I was a stranger to myself.
" I take a shaky breath. "And you looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and you saw something worth saving. You saw me when I couldn't see myself."
Ivan's hands come up to cover mine where they rest on his face. We're holding each other now, both of us a complete mess of tears and trembling limbs, and I don't care at all who sees.
I lean my forehead against his, our tears mingling where they fall.
"I promise to remember you. I promise to choose you, every day. I promise to be the person you deserve, to keep working on myself, to never stop trying to be better."
I pull back just enough to look into his eyes.
"And I promise that whatever happens, you will never have to look for me again. Never. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours." I take a breath. "Ivan Collins, I'm yours. Forever."
Pastor Daniels is openly crying now. She takes a long moment to compose herself, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue someone hands her from the front row.
"Well," she says, "in all my years of officiating weddings—and I've done hundreds—I don't think I've ever witnessed vows quite like those."
A soft, tearful laugh ripples through the guests. I can hear Rosalyn sobbing in the front row.
"The rings, please," Pastor Daniels says.
Caleb steps forward with extreme care, holding up the pillow with shaking hands. His eyes are wide, his lower lip trembling, and there are actual tears on his cheeks.
"Are you guys okay?" he whispers loudly, concerned. "You're crying. Is something wrong?"
Ivan laughs through his tears, reaching down to ruffle Caleb's hair affectionately. "We're okay, buddy. These are happy tears. Don't cry."
"Oh." Caleb considers this for a long moment, his small face very serious. "I didn't know happy tears were a thing. But okay. That makes sense, I guess. Here are the rings. Don't drop them because they're really important."
"We won't," I promise, taking Ivan's ring from the pillow—a simple platinum band, chosen because neither of us wanted anything flashy or expensive. Ivan takes mine, identical to his.
"Ivan," Pastor Daniels says. "Place the ring on Jay's finger and repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed."
Ivan takes my left hand in both of his, and I watch as he slides the ring onto my finger with gentle precision. His hands are trembling, but his eyes are absolutely sure.
"With this ring," he says. "I thee wed."
"Jay, place the ring on Ivan's finger and repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed."
I take Ivan's hand—the hand that pulled me back from the edge of oblivion, that held me through nightmares, that has never once let me go when I needed to be held—and slide the ring home.
"With this ring," I say, "I thee wed."
Pastor Daniels smiles, and I can see fresh tears in her eyes.
"By the power vested in me by the state of Georgia," she says, "I am honored and overjoyed to pronounce you married. Legally, officially, and in the eyes of everyone who loves you."
She pauses, her smile widening.
"You may kiss your husband."
Ivan doesn't hesitate for even a second. He pulls me into his arms and kisses me, deep and fierce and full of promise, full of everything we've been through and everything we're going to build. The guests erupt into applause, the kids cheering, Rosalyn openly sobbing in the front row.
When we finally break apart, Ivan presses his forehead to mine.
"We did it," he whispers. "We're actually married."
"We're married," I repeat, still not quite believing it's real.
"Mr. and Mr. Collins-Morrow," he says, testing the sound of it. "Or Morrow-Collins. We never actually decided."
"Doesn't matter which order. Either way, you're stuck with me now."
"I've never been stuck anywhere I wanted to be more."
We turn to face the guests together, hands clasped tight.
Pastor Daniels raises her hands. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, for the first time as a married couple—Ivan and Jay!"
The applause swells again, and then the kids are rushing us. Caleb throws his arms around both our legs while the twins hang back just long enough to pretend they're too cool before joining the hug enthusiastically.
Rosalyn appears, tears still streaming, pulling us both into her arms. "My boys," she keeps saying, over and over. "My beautiful boys."
Mitchell shakes our hands formally, then surprises us both by pulling us into a tight hug. "Welcome to the family," he says. "Officially, this time."
The reception that follows is small and absolutely perfect.
Tables set up in the backyard, Rosalyn's cooking spread out like an elaborate feast. Music playing from speakers Mitchell rigged up in the oak tree. We eat and drink—sparkling cider for everyone—and laugh and dance.
Ivan pulls me onto the makeshift dance floor for our first dance. The song is something slow and soft, chosen because neither of us are good dancers and we needed something forgiving.
"How do you feel?" Ivan asks, his arms around my waist, my hands on his shoulders.
"Like I'm dreaming. Like I'm going to wake up any second and be back in that motel room and none of this will be real."
"You're not dreaming."
"I know." I lean my forehead against his. "It's just... a lot. A year ago, I was barely surviving. And now I'm married. To you. With a family. A real family that chose me."
"You deserve all of it, Jay. Every single piece."
"I'm starting to believe that."
"Keep believing it. Never stop."
We sway together in the fading light, the string lights coming on above us, the people we love gathered around.
This is my life now. This impossible, beautiful, hard-won life.
"I love you," I tell Ivan, because I can never say it enough. "I love you so much it scares me sometimes."
"It doesn't have to scare you anymore," he says. "I'm not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. We're in this together, for the rest of our lives."
Ivan kisses me again, soft and sweet, and somewhere behind us Caleb makes a loud gagging noise that makes everyone laugh.
The party goes on as the sun sets. Eventually the guests trickle away, leaving hugs and well-wishes in their wake. The kids are ushered inside to get ready for bed, protesting loudly that they're not tired even as their eyes droop.
Ivan and I stand in the backyard alone, surrounded by the remnants of the celebration. Flower petals scattered on the grass. Empty glasses waiting to be collected. String lights still twinkling overhead like tiny stars.
"We should help clean up," I say.
"Rosalyn will murder us if we try. She already told me three times that we're not allowed to lift a finger tonight."
"I feel bad leaving her with all this mess."
"She has Mitchell. And the girls will help in the morning." Ivan takes my hand, rubbing his thumb over my new ring. "Tonight, we're supposed to go home and start our honeymoon."
Home.
Everything terrible we went through led to this moment. All of it was worth it, because it brought me here.
To him. To us. To a future I never thought I'd have.
He's right here. He's mine.
Forever.