Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
LUC
Once again, I’m confronted by how fucking lonely my condo is. How did I never feel how thick the silence is?
My keys clatter too loudly against the counter. My footsteps echo. There’s barely any light filtering in through the windows from the moon and streetlights outside, still I close every blind and curtain in the condo before turning on any lights.
I consider calling Jesse. He hasn’t seen or replied to my text that the plane landed and I got home safely, so I’m guessing he’s asleep. I just want to hear his voice, so I put Remember My Name on repeat before sinking onto my couch and rubbing my hands over my face.
Before Jesse, my life was orderly. Routine. I went to practice, I worked out, did my grocery shopping twice a week, played through the seasons, and went home when I had breaks in between. That was it. It was simple. But now I see that it was lacking. It was hollow.
Because now I know what it’s like to wake up next to someone that fits against me like a puzzle piece.
Whose laugh lights up more pleasure receptors than the sex does, and the sex is pretty fucking mind-bending.
Now I know what it is to look forward to talking to someone all day, to feel my heart skip a beat when I find a text or video message waiting.
To plan for the future, when we’ll next see each other, and count the days until that happens.
Now I don’t know when the next time will be.
I wake up to a text from Jesse, but it’s just another apology.
I don’t know how to make him believe that I don’t blame him for any of this.
Even if they find out Jesse and I have been in the same place at the same time and put it together that we like each other, does it matter that much?
I’m starting to think that denying myself happiness isn’t worth the opinions and comfort of others.
ME: I miss you.
Ghost: I miss you, too.
As Mr. Holland suggested, I call a couple of teammates to meet up for lunch. AJ is the first to arrive, and he wastes no time plopping down in the chair across from me and crossing his arms.
“Alright, what’s this about?”
“What?”
“You sent a group text. To have lunch. In public.” He gestures around us. We’re sitting on the screened-in outdoor patio of one of the more popular cafes downtown.
His glare looks annoyed, but also a bit hurt.
I consider telling him something, not all of it, just enough that he doesn’t think something’s wrong with me or that I’m playing some kind of prank.
Then I remember Tad’s advice about being vigilant about what I say in public, even if I trust the person I’m telling.
Dez and Monty show up, staring warily as they take their seats.
“Thanks for joining me,” I say, trying to sound casual. “Have any of y’all actually eaten here before? I’ve heard it was good but never tried it myself.”
I raise my eyes from my menu to the three men staring back at me.
“What the fuck is this?” Monty says to AJ, who shrugs like he’s given up trying to figure me out.
Dez just blinks at me.
“Look, I’m just… I’m trying something new.
I–I want to get over some of this phobia I have.
” It’s not untrue. Especially as I consider what it would be like having to stress and hide like this for the rest of my life.
I do need to come out of my shell a little bit.
If I truly want to be with Jesse, I need to take the possibility that I’ll never have a quiet life seriously.
The guys nod, Monty thumps my shoulder, and AJ throws a napkin at my face. “You could have just said that, dipshit.”
A camera flashes, and there’s chatter outside the enclosed patio.
“That was quick,” Dez says, cutting his eyes at me, concerned.
“Where’d they all come from?” Monty asks, and I chance a look. There are only five, which is a lot for me, but it’s nothing compared to yesterday’s scare.
Apparently it’s a lot, even for Dez, unless he’s at a scheduled press event. “Most of the time it’s just fans snapping pics, and an occasional pap. I’ve never seen it like this.”
AJ watches the photographers for a minute. “I think they’re here for Mr. Colgate,” he says, grinning.
“Stop that shit,” I say, throwing his napkin back at him. “Don’t encourage it.”
I know what they’re really here for, and as soon as we’re done eating and are heading home, I’ll text Jesse that the mission was accomplished.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I repeat back to him, voice soft. It’s all I can do not to sigh contentedly hearing his voice and seeing his face, even on a screen.
“You alright?” Jesse asks.
“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”
“Could be better, but I suppose it could be worse.”
“Yeah, I’d say about the same.” I smile at him, half embarrassed at the urge to stare into his green eyes and sigh and smile like a brainless idiot. Who am I?
Jesse chuckles. “I feel ridiculous.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m just so relieved to see your face, I almost don’t even have anything to say. But I also want to keep you on the phone.”
“Would it help if I said I was thinking something similar?”
“How similar?”
“Honestly, probably worse.”
“Oh. Then yeah, that helps. Thanks.”
“No problem,” I laugh.
“How was practice today?”
“Slow. I’ll be glad to get on the plane tomorrow to head to Tampa.”
“You, Mr. Homebody, are looking forward to a work trip?”
A laugh bubbles out of me. “If you can believe it.”
“Did I break you, baby?”
“In more ways than one,” I tell him. “Life will never be the same again. But I’m thinking that maybe it’s a good thing.”
“Is it?” Jesse twists his lips, like he’s not sure he agrees. “I feel like I’ve screwed up your whole quiet, peaceful existence.”
“You shook it up for sure. But it was necessary. I didn’t realize how empty my life was before I met you, and then before I met you again the second time.” I smile.
“But now you’re practically in hiding, having to distance yourself from my chaos.”
“Well, about that. It seems like these people are going to be relentless. And maybe it’s not ideal, but…”
Jeesh, why is my heart beating so fast? Like I’m about to start confessing everything to the whole world right away.
Jesse’s brow is furrowed with worry, so I decide to rip the bandage off. “Maybe I should come out.”
“What?!”
“Maybe I should come out. Or at least stop hiding.”
“Luc, you can’t let them bully you.”
“We could look at it that way, but I’m thinking of it as a push in the right direction.
I’m giving them power by caring what anyone else thinks of me.
If I let them take it from me and expose me, then I’m letting them make news and publicity out of my life.
I’d rather do it on my terms and not give them the chance to make a big story out of it. ”
“So you want to…”
“I want to be spotted with you in public. On purpose. Holding hands or hugging.”
“Luc, have you really given this enough thought?”
“Why are you trying to talk me out of this when I know you want it, too?”
Tears slip out of his eyes, and he looks off to the side, wiping them away and laughing.
“I’ll talk to Blake and the PR team. If you’re okay with it, of course. They can help us plan something that will give you the best optics.”
“That sounds great. I just need one thing from you.”
“What’s that?”
“Come home with me for Thanksgiving? Well, technically the two days before Thanksgiving because I have to be back in Shreveport Thursday, but I think I should give them a heads up, and I’d like them to meet you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah really.”
“I’ve never met anyone’s family before. Should I be nervous?”
I scrunch my nose. “My dad can come off kind of cranky, but he means well. I know I’ll have some preconceived notions and outdated ideals to contend with, but I truly believe he’ll love and support me–us–no matter what.”
“And your sisters?”
“Shawna says Talia has a poster of you on her wall, so things might get awkward.”
He laughs. “I think I can handle that.”
We talk for a couple more hours, about our families and pasts. We touch a little on our hopes for the future, but I think we’re both feeling a bit tender in that regard. Everything feels too good to be true. But now we have a plan.
“I have to get to bed, long day tomorrow,” I tell him. “But I have a present for you.”
“A present?” His eyebrows lift, and he looks wary, excited, and confused all at the same time.
“Yeah. It’s not quite as good as showing up out of nowhere and fucking you senseless, but since it’ll be another five days before I get to see you again, I thought this might help us pass the time.”
I send over the file on the encrypted app that Tad installed on my phone.
I hear his phone chime and watch his face carefully as he navigates to the app to open the video link.
Immediately, his eyes go wide and then glaze over with lust. I can hear the sounds we’re making in the video, the dirty way we were talking to each other.
It’s a compilation video of all the times I fucked him on Sunday, filled him with my cum, and plugged him up. The last frame of the video is when I finally let it all pour out of him, pooling and squelching.
“I think I might love you,” Jesse groans.
We run off the field, feeling high. We’re undefeated this season so far, and today we absolutely annihilated Tampa Bay, 38 to 7. It was almost a shutout, but their quarterback threw a hell of a Hail Mary in the last quarter to put some points on the board before it was over for the Buccs.
I’m all smiles and feeling good. Jesse and I have a plan, and I’m taking him home to meet my family in two days.
It feels like my whole life is about to start.
Really start, since I’ve been coasting through the last twenty-seven years like a ghost. In the locker room, spirits are high, and I even sing along a little as my friends and teammates dance around to our unofficial new team song by Lest Is Moore.
After a shower, I’m ready to join the guys for a celebratory dinner. I’m getting more and more comfortable with testing the waters of public appearances.
I get dressed and pull my phone out of my bag, my heart slowing to a sluggish, slow-motion thump-thump that I can hear in my ears.
There are dozens of missed calls in just the last few hours, and texts from Jesse, Shawna, and Mr. Holland.
Ignoring all the other calls and not reading any of the messages, I dial Jesse’s number.
When he answers, his voice is rough like he’s been screaming. He sounds wrecked.
“I’m so sorry.”