36. Zoey
36
Zoey
D espite the summer sun blazing high in the sky, the world has never felt so dull. My heart aches in a way that I wasn’t prepared for, and with every passing second, it only gets worse.
Noah pulls up outside my house, and despite knowing he’s coming in to say goodbye to my family, we just sit here, neither of us wanting to go in. Because once we do, we’re one step closer to goodbye, and we both know just what that goodbye is going to do to me.
I’ve never ached like this, and a part of me knows just how ridiculous it is. I’ll see him every night on FaceTime and probably almost every weekend, but something feels so final about it. His life is going to change over the next year. He’s going to become the star of the Wildcats and every person in the state is going to want something from him, whether they want to be his best friend or want to see just how well he can put it down.
Women are going to throw themselves at him, and the crazy life of partying will try to lure him in, but I trust him. I trust what he said this morning, that none of it matters to him. He’s spent the past few years in a downward spiral, and I don’t think he wants to go back there anytime soon. But it still hurts.
I was a fool to allow Liam’s bullshit words to affect me, to ruin our last night together. I could have spent hours wrapped in his arms, but instead, I spent what little time we had left uncontrollably sobbing in bed. I feel like such an idiot, and what’s worse, my inability to see past my own selfish emotions means that Noah had a shit night too.
The clock ticks dangerously close to eleven, and my heart races, not wanting to face the fact that this is about to happen. But hiding from reality isn’t going to make it any less true.
Noah lets out a heavy, broken sigh before reaching over and squeezing my thigh. “Come on,” he murmurs. “If we sit out here any longer, your dad’s probably going to kick my ass.”
A small smile pulls at the corners of my lips. My dad has his hang-ups about my relationship with Noah and hasn’t quite been able to forgive him as quickly as I have. Though there’s no denying how happy Noah makes me, and that’s the only thing that keeps my father from trying to step in.
“Okay,” I say with a heavy breath as my fingers curl around the door handle and quickly open it before I change my mind.
We slowly walk up the path together, hand in hand, taking advantage of every last second, and then before I can even reach for the door, it flies open, and my little sister stands before us, looking up at Noah as though she’s just as broken.
Hazel stumbles out to the porch with her arms wide, and as she crashes into Noah, she holds him tight, pinning his arms to his side. “Do you really have to go?” she questions, sounding almost as broken as I feel. “You have to call every day. Oh, and when you get there, FaceTime me. I wanna see what a college dorm looks like, and . . . Maybe me and Zo could come for a campus tour because I’ve never been there before, and we all know Zoey isn’t going to say no to that.”
Her string of comments falls out of her mouth like word vomit. It’s like she has far too much to say that she can’t think straight or decide which comment is more important than the other.
“You know I’m only two hours down the road, right?” Noah laughs, wrestling his arms free so that he can give her a proper hug. “Plus, I’ll be home on the weekends.”
Hazel scoffs and pulls out of Noah’s arms, a skill I clearly haven’t mastered that well. “I don’t care about that,” she says. “I just wanna know all about college life. You know, I wasn’t born for this whole middle school thing. It’s kinda dull. But college, I’m going to dominate at college.”
I shake my head, and just as I go to remind her just how long it will be before she can live her dominating life, my parents move into the open doorway. Mom’s lips press into a tight line as if trying to keep herself from being emotional. “Oh Noah,” she says, walking right into him and pulling him into a tight hug. “How are you already off to college? It feels like just yesterday I was watching you and Zoey stuffing your faces full of candy and then whining about stomach aches.”
My father mutters under his breath. “They still do that.”
Noah laughs as my mom moves back to give him space. “It’s gone faster than I care to admit,” he says, sparing a quick glance at me.
“Well, that happens when you disappear for three years,” Hazel chimes in with a smirk, but damn, doesn’t she know how the reminder of that time tends to slice me wide open?
“You’re not wrong,” Noah tells her, trying to keep the mood light.
“You have everything you need?” Dad questions.
Noah glances at my father and gives him a firm nod. “Yep, all good, sir.”
“Good, then don’t be a stranger,” my father responds, a strange emotion flashing in his eyes, one I’m not really sure I can decode. “I don’t need any more reasons to want to kick your ass.”
My eyes widen in horror, and my jaw practically falls to the ground. “Dad!” I hiss. I’ve never heard him so forward with Noah before, but Noah seems to take it in stride. He doesn’t even flinch at the comment.
Mom and Dad step outside onto the porch with us, and before I know it, we’re all huddled by Noah’s Camaro as Mom and Hazel give Noah another round of hugs. But all I can do is stare at his car, contemplating if I could somehow get away with slicing all four of his tires before any of them can stop me.
I zone out trying to shield my heart from the words of my mother’s teary goodbye, and then all too soon, my family slips away to give us space.
This is it.
This is the moment I’ve been dreading since he first told me about his acceptance.
My hands shake as Noah steps into me, and his hand curls into mine to hold it steady. His dark eyes lock on to mine. “Are you okay?” he asks hesitantly.
I nod, not trusting the way the words will come out if I say them aloud.
He stands right in front of me, his chest so close to mine but not quite touching as though he’s trying to be respectful of my family watching. He takes my other hand as well, lacing our fingers as he tilts his head toward me. “You’re strong, Zo,” he tells me because God knows, I feel as though I’ve forgotten. “You kicked leukemia’s ass and got through a year of hell during your junior year. And on top of that, you survived through the grief of losing Linc when I wasn’t here to hold you up. This is nothing compared to all of that.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s going to suck any less.”
“I know,” he tells me. “Nothing I can say or do is going to lessen the sting of having to be away from you, Zo. And though it feels like our whole world is crumbling, we’re gonna be fine. You’ll see. It’s nothing more than a stepping stone that will lead us to the life we’ll eventually be living together.”
A small smile pulls at the corners of my lips, but I can’t help the silent tears that track down my face. “I like the way that sounds.”
His eyes sparkle with warmth. “I thought you might.”
I let out a shaky breath. “You really have to go now?”
“Yeah,” he says before releasing my hands and brushing his thumbs over my cheeks, wiping away the constant flow of tears. He pulls me into his chest, his strong arms curling around me. One clutches my back, and the other knots into my hair as he holds me tighter than ever before. “Fuck, I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it would kill me like this.”
“Don’t, Noah,” I warn, my voice shaky. “If you fall apart, I’ll be a wreck.”
“I love you more than anything in this world, Zo. Just one word from you, and I’ll be right back here.”
I nod against his chest, wiping my eyes on his shirt. “I love you too,” I tell him when I feel his fingers at my chin, lifting my face until those dark, dreamy eyes are locked securely on mine.
“Not goodbye, Zo. Just see you later.”
“Not goodbye,” I repeat, and then his lips are on mine, kissing me deeply as I fall apart in his arms. He holds me up, not daring to let me fall, and when he pulls away, I feel my mother’s hand on my shoulder.
She tugs me back into her gently, and I shake my head, watching as Noah strides to his car. “No,” I breathe, my heart shattering inside my chest as my mother hugs me from behind, pressing a kiss to my temple.
Noah pauses by his car door and glances back at me, and the look in his eyes makes me falter. He was putting on a show for me, being brave so that I wouldn’t break quite so bad, but damn it, he’s just as shattered as I am. Then before he convinces himself to run back into my arms, he gets into his car, and the loud engine rumbles through the quiet street.
I pull out of my mother’s arms, my head shaking more violently as desperation pulses through my veins. This can’t be it. I take off, racing toward his car. “NOAH!” I cry, but he’s gone in a flash, hitting the gas and storming down the street as I feel that tether between us stretching and adapting to this new normal.
A loud sob tears from the back of my throat as I hurry out into the road, every last piece of my soul tearing to shreds, and despite being so far away and unable to see through the flood of tears pouring from my eyes, I know he sees me through the rearview mirror, watching as his whole world gets further and further away.
Then as I watch his car disappear around the bend, what’s left of me crumbles, and I fall to my knees on the hard asphalt, the remnants of my soul turning to ash and blowing away with the last of summer.