42. Noah
42
Noah
T he whistle sounds and the crowd roars as they spring to their feet after watching the most thrilling final few minutes of our game. I immediately look up at Zoey in the VIP section of the stands, her hands around her mouth as she screams out.
Fuck, she looks so happy.
There’s nothing better than having her eyes on me while I play. It’s such a fucking rush, and what’s better, I get to look forward to this for the rest of my life.
The pride shining through her beautiful eyes is enough to make me momentarily forget how distant she’s been over the past two weeks, but after driving home on Wednesday night, I trust her to come to me when she’s ready. I just hope it’s soon because I can’t handle her pushing me out.
She jumps up and down, cheering so loud that I can hear her sweet tone sailing across the frenzied crowd. And even though this isn’t a championship game, I know that this very moment will be one I treasure until my dying days.
Our coach calls us in, and after the usual post-game bullshit, we’re sent back to our lockers to get cleaned up. I rush through a shower, more than ready to get out of here and find Zoey. I hope she’s okay in this crowd. It can be daunting, especially when you’re alone and new to the area.
Knox Parker, possibly the greatest wide receiver I’ve ever met, steps in beside me as we make our way out of the stadium, both our gazes locked on Zoey across the lot. He takes in her wide, cheesy grin and the way her eyes light up like Christmas morning. “Yo, is that your girl?” he asks, his gaze eating her up like a meal.
“Sure fucking is,” I tell him, watching as she breaks into a sprint toward me. “Keep your grubby hands off.”
Knox just laughs, more than prepared to spend the rest of the night screwing with me over it. “Ohh, protective of this one,” he comments. “She’s gorgeous. There’s no telling what I could do with a girl like that.”
“Even think about it, and I’ll put you in the ground,” I tell him letting him hear the edge in my tone, that despite his teasing, I’m dead serious.
I can’t take my eyes off Zoey, my grin mirroring hers as she darts through the crowd. I pick up my pace, Knox long forgotten even though I can hear the echo of his laughter through the bodies behind me. When she finally reaches me, she throws herself right into my arms and her legs lock around my waist.
Zoey’s lips crash down on mine, kissing me deeply as her arms snake around the back of my neck, holding on to me as though she’ll never let me go, and fuck, these kinds of embraces are my favorite. When she holds me as though I’m her whole world, like she can’t breathe without me, it feels like pure ecstasy pulsing through my veins. I don’t know how I survived those three years without her. What the fuck was I thinking?
Zoey pulls back and buries her face into the curve of my neck, breathing me in as I simply hold her, hating that I can’t do this every minute of every day. “Do you have any idea how good it feels to be up in those stands, watching you play?” she asks, her fingers tangling in my hair as she pulls back to meet my stare.
“Probably about as good as it feels to be on that field knowing that you’re right there watching me.” She grins back at me, and I walk back toward her car before placing her on the hood. “What do you wanna do?” I ask. “Have you eaten? We could grab dinner and then head out to celebrate with the boys.”
Zoey’s grin widens. “Oh, I’m hungry,” she murmurs. “But not for food.”
“Goddamn, Zo,” I groan, my fingers digging into her thighs. “I can’t wait for you to be here with me next year.”
She smiles, but as she does, the fire and passion fade from her eyes until she’s left looking empty. “Yeah,” she says, glancing away, unable to meet my stare.
My brows furrow, and I take her chin, lifting it and bringing her blazing green gaze back to mine. “What’s the matter?” I ask, desperately searching her eyes.
“It’s nothing,” she says, trying to give me an encouraging smile, only the longer she forces it, the easier it is to see through, and fuck, the guilt radiating out of her puts me on edge. “It’s nothing. I’m just . . . I’m just being weird.”
She looks away again, but I don’t stop watching her, feeling in my gut that something’s not right, but why would she feel guilty over a simple comment about looking forward to being here together next year? Why would she get so torn up about something like that? Unless . . .
Fuck.
“You’re not planning on coming here, are you?”
Her eyes shoot back to mine, and the guilt flooding them almost knocks me back. “I . . . I’m sorry, I just—”
“Fuck, Zo,” I say, stepping away, everything breaking within me. “I thought you wanted this. Coming here was our plan.”
“Noah, please,” she says, jumping down from the hood and walking straight into me, taking my wrists in her hands and forcing me to meet her stare. “It’s not that simple. Of course I want to be here with you. I would follow you anywhere, and you know that. I just . . . shit.”
She pulls away from me, her eyes filling with tears as I try to figure out what the fuck could have changed her mind. “Tonight was supposed to be about you,” she finally says. “This isn’t how this was supposed to go.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I demand, moving back toward her. “Isn’t how what was supposed to go?”
“Everything,” she says, the tears only getting worse. She shakes her head, heartbreak and regret flashing in her beautiful eyes. “Please, Noah. Can we not do this tonight? Let’s just go to that party and have a good time, and then tomorrow, I swear, I’ll explain everything.”
I scoff, gaping at her. “You’re fucking kidding me, right? You tell me you’re not coming here next year and expect me to just forget I heard anything and go to a party? What the fuck, Zo? You’ve been a stranger for the past two weeks, and I’m trying to give you whatever space you need to figure yourself out, but the more you shut me out, the more it fucking kills me.”
“Okay,” she says, those big green eyes filled with tears. She steps right back into me, tilts her head down until her forehead is pressed firmly against my chest, and I wrap my arms around her, not knowing how to help her right now.
Zoey takes a few calming breaths before her soft tone fills the emptying parking lot. “I’ll tell you everything,” she promises me. “Just not here, okay? Somewhere private. It’s not something I can just blurt out.”
“Anything,” I tell her before nodding back to her Range Rover. “Come on. I’ll drive.”
She lets out a shaky breath, and I walk with her to the passenger side, opening the door and watching her with a sharp eye as she climbs in, her gaze locked on her hands. But the fear I see in her eyes scares the shit out of me.
After closing the door, I make my way around the car and get in beside her before starting the engine and backing out. The car is silent, apart from the soft whimpering of Zoey’s subtle cries, and I reach across the center console and take her hand. “I promise you, Zo,” I murmur as I pull out of the parking lot and onto the road. “Whatever this is, we’ll be okay.”
She gives me a small smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, and it’s clear from the way her gaze falls back to her lap, she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t think we stand a chance of pulling through this.
Not knowing what to say or how to make the tension in the car fade away, I just drive, every possible worst-case scenario going through my mind. I don’t even know where I’m driving, just that my foot is on the gas, and I can’t seem to find anywhere to pull over because the second I do, she’s going to tell me something that I know is going to tear me to shreds, and I’m not ready. I don’t want to burst this perfect bubble we live in.
I drive and drive, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white. The tension in the car becomes so thick that I can barely breathe. Dark clouds form above us, and a soft sprinkle falls against the windshield before quickly morphing into a raging storm. Rumbles of deep thunder sound in the distance, and I can’t help but think how it matches so perfectly to the storm raging inside my chest.
The fear of the unknown becomes too much, and I find myself skidding to a stop in the middle of the deserted road, unable to take it a second longer. “Zoey,” I beg her, needing her to put me out of my misery. “Please. I can’t take this anymore. I need to know.”
She looks back at me, those thick tears streaming down her cheeks, each one of them tearing at my soul. “Noah, I—this isn’t how I wanted to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I ask, the desperation clawing at me, but all I can do is watch as her face falls into her hands, the tears quickly turning into heaving sobs. “Fuck, Zo,” I mutter, reaching for her and dragging her across the center console until she’s in my arms. “What’s going on? Please, let me in. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
Zoey swallows hard, her chest rapidly rising and falling as she takes gasping breaths to calm down. She adjusts herself on my lap, straddling me and leaning right in with her forehead pressed against mine, and it’s clear that whatever this is, whatever she needs to say, is the hardest thing she’s ever had to say in her life.
Her hand rests against my chest, and even through my shirt, I feel the way she shakes. Reaching up, I wrap my hand around hers, squeezing tight and hoping like fuck I’m somehow able to take her fear. Then as she closes her eyes, she lets out one final shaky breath. “Noah,” she murmurs, her voice flowing right through to my soul as she finally opens her eyes again, her broken gaze meeting mine. “Do you remember the day I forced you to propose to me, and I gave you a hard time because it had to be perfect? I think we were six and seven.”
I nod, the day permanently etched into my brain for so many different reasons. “Of course, I do.”
“That day,” she says, her voice so shaky. “Do you remember after that, my parents came into my room because they needed to talk to me?”
“They were crying,” I say, able to picture it so clearly. “That’s when they told you that you were sick. But what’s that got to do with anything?”
Zoey sits back a little, wiping her eyes on the back of her hands before her fingers fall to my shirt, playing in the fabric as she tries to find the strength to keep going. “Leading up to my diagnosis, I’d been really tired. I don’t really remember much of it, but it was enough to get Mom and Dad to take me in for tests.”
I search her face, shaking my head as I reach up and brush the backs of my knuckles across her tear-stained cheek. “Zo, I don’t understand why you’re telling me all of this.”
“Noah,” she whispers, a fresh tear rolling down her cheek, her voice barely audible over the sound of rain pelting the car. “I’m telling you this because . . . because it’s happening again.”
My brows furrow, and I shake my head a little harder. My fingers clutch her waist as my heart races. “What?” I whisper, my blood running cold as my world stops spinning. “What do you mean it’s happening again?”
Zoey forces a smile, trying to ease me into this and help me understand. “For the past few weeks,” she says, her bright eyes filled with the deepest kind of agony. “I’ve been really tired with no energy. At first, I thought maybe I was just emotionally exhausted, but it kept getting worse. I’ve been lethargic and heavy and falling asleep at the drop of a hat.” She looks down, not meeting my gaze. “Then that Friday night when you were at my place, and I hurt my hip—”
“You lied,” I supply, remembering the exact moment she told me she slipped and how it didn’t sit right with me, but I didn’t push her on it.
She swallows hard and nods, more tears appearing in her eyes. “I didn’t slip on water,” she admits. “I was lightheaded and collapsed. I just . . . I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to be dishonest with you, but I didn’t want to worry you. I knew that both you and Mom would have started fussing about me if I told you the truth, and I just wanted to enjoy my night with you. But then, I started really thinking about it, about why I was feeling so tired all the time and getting so dizzy to the point I was passing out, and it terrified me because that’s only ever happened once in my life.”
“When you had leukemia,” I finish for her, my words breaking as I put all the pieces together, fear closing around my chest and squeezing like a fucking vise.
I can’t fucking breathe.
Zoey nods, her lips wobbling as she tries to hold herself together. “I asked Mom and Dad to take me for testing with Dr. Sanchez,” she tells me in a small voice. “It could have been a number of things, but something in my gut . . . I don’t know. I was almost due for tests anyway, so we asked for them to be brought forward—”
Her out-of-control tears swallow her words again. “What are you saying, Zo?” I question, tears now welling in my eyes, already knowing what she’s about to tell me, but I need to hear it from her lips to confirm the worst.
“I relapsed, Noah,” she says, her voice breaking on a sob and crumbling into me as my world fades back to darkness. “I got my test results back on Wednesday night. My leukemia is back.”
“No,” I breathe, gripping her tightly with quivering hands. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the magnitude of this, the idea of Zoey being sick again, having to go through all that pain and suffering when she’s already had to fight this battle once before. “No. No. There has to be a mistake. You’re perfect, Zo. There has to be another reason for this. You can’t be sick again. I can’t fucking lose you.”
“We’ve spent the last two days running tests,” she finally says, her hands framing my face as she holds my gaze. Hot tears fall from her jaw and soak into the front of my shirt. “I’m sure, Noah. We’ve ruled everything else out.”
Fuck.
I hold on to her, not knowing what to say as everything good in my life crumbles. She’s only seventeen. She’s not supposed to have cancer. She’s supposed to fly. She’s supposed to graduate high school and prepare to take on the whole fucking world, not spend her days in agony as her body attempts to kill her from the inside out.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to worry you unless I was positive.”
I shake my head, hearing her words but unable to take any of it in.
She relapsed.
My heart races and my chest heaves as I gasp for air, but I can’t seem to take a proper breath. My mind whirls with what this means for her. For us.
Chemotherapy. Tests. Pain. Hospitals.
Zoey searches my face, terror in her eyes. “Noah, are you—”
I take her hips and lift her off me before falling out of the car into the pouring rain. Panic surges through me like fire, and when the cold rain hits my skin, my thoughts explode. How could this be happening to her again? How the hell is this fair? Is this punishment for the three years of hell I put her through? Is this the universe’s cruel way of trying to take her away from me?
“Noah,” I hear Zoey calling behind me, but I race out in front of the car, into the glow of the headlights, and drop to my knees at the mere thought of the hell she’s about to endure.
Fuck. I can’t lose her. I can’t fucking lose her.
I crumble against the road, banging my fists against the asphalt, barely able to keep myself up as I scream out, the agony tearing at my chest, tears falling from my eyes and mixing with the rain that pours over me.
“Noah,” Zoey calls as I hear the sound of the car door closing, and then she’s there, dropping to her knees before me and pushing me up. She barrels into me, throwing her arms around me and holding me with everything she’s got. “We’re going to be okay,” she vows as I lock my arms around her and pull her into my lap, burying my face into the curve of her neck, terrified to let go.
“I can’t fucking lose you,” I tell her, the despair eating me alive. “I don’t know how to be without you, Zo. I can’t breathe when you’re not with me.”
“You’re not losing me,” she promises, her fingers knotting into my hair. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve beaten this before. I can do it again.”
“Zo,” I breathe, not knowing what else I can say. I haven’t felt this helpless since the day my brother died in my arms in the middle of the street. Images of his pallid face and the blood pooling in the corners of his mouth swim before me, and I have to keep telling myself that Zo isn’t Linc. The feeling of her trembling body against mine is as real as the cold rain soaking through my clothes and the bite of the asphalt beneath my knees. I repeat in my mind over and over again, She’s here. She’s alive , as I hold her tighter.
“We’re going to be alright,” she promises as we kneel in the deserted road. “We’re going to get through this and start the rest of our lives together. It’s nothing but a stepping stone. I’ve got you right here holding my hand, and because of that, I know I can make it through this. Nothing’s going to keep me from starting a life with you. We’ve already fought through hell to get here. We can do it one more time.”
I nod, pulling back to meet her eyes, taking in every inch of her in the glow of my headlights and committing this moment to memory. “I’ve got you, Zo,” I vow. “Whatever you need, I’ve got you.”