50. Zoey
50
Zoey
M y whole life, I’ve looked forward to my eighteenth birthday. I’ve always seen it as a rite of passage into adulthood, that I’ll suddenly have all the answers to life’s big questions and know exactly what path I’m supposed to take. If I knew this was in store for me, perhaps I wouldn’t have looked forward to it so much.
It’s barely seven in the morning, and I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling with Allie snuggled right up beside me on my pillow, her soothing purrs right in my ear. Today is a good day . . . Well, mostly. Every other day this week, I’ve woken up feeling miserable, more tired than when I went to bed, but today, I’m feeling alright.
There’s energy pulsing through my veins and a sense of accomplishment booming in my chest, though I don’t really understand that. Perhaps it’s because I’ve made it to my eighteenth birthday, and a small part of me was starting to wonder if I would.
There are still another few weeks before I’m due to start radiation therapy, but honestly, I can feel myself starting to decline. It’s as though someone put me at the top of a snowy mountain, shoved a sled under my ass, and pushed me before I was ready. Only, instead of steering myself peacefully down the mountain, I hit a bump, and now I’m tumbling out of control, heading toward a ferocious crash landing.
I’m terrified that I’m not going to have the strength to get through the radiation therapy. I spend most days in bed with the occasional visit downstairs, but damn . . . the trek down the eighteen steps is exhausting. To be completely honest, everything is exhausting. I’ve never felt so flat in my life. I’m lethargic all the time, and the dizzy spells . . . shit. They’re horrendous, but as long as I’m not stuck in that treatment center getting intense chemotherapy, then I consider it a good time.
Hazel comes to chill with me every afternoon when she gets home from school. She finds a movie, brings popcorn, and then goes ahead and talks the whole way through it, but I love every second of it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, even if I always fall asleep before the end. Hope is the same. She comes over as much as she can, sometimes even during her lunch hour when she should be at school, and I appreciate it more than she could ever know. Both of them give me something to look forward to each day, and it’s that kind of excitement that’s keeping me strong.
As for Noah, he’s doing everything he can. Most nights he sleeps right here beside me then makes the trip back to campus when he has exams or assessments that can’t be avoided. Sometimes I wonder if he’s just as exhausted as I am. This disease is putting so much strain on him. He’s doing everything he can to be here with me, to give me what I need, but despite his encouraging smile, I know he’s dying inside.
He’s ready to break, and I hate that I’m the one doing this to him.
I think he can see that I’m not getting any better, and just like mine, his hope is beginning to fade. There have been multiple times when I’ve woken in the night to a cold bed, only to find him out in the yard, barely hanging on. Seeing him like that is killing me faster than this cancer ever could.
If I lose this battle and my heart stops beating . . . I don’t know how Noah is going to survive it. He broke when we lost Linc, and then to lose me too . . . shit. Every day, the mere thought of it sends me into a sheer panic.
Allie wakes next to me and instantly rubs her head into my cheek when my phone rings on my bedside table. Reaching over, I scoop it up and smile to myself, seeing Noah’s name across the screen. Then hitting accept before it rings out, I quickly bring it to my ear.
“Good morning,” I say, my smile lingering on my lips.
“Hope I didn’t wake you,” he says, his tone so deep that it sends goosebumps sailing over my skin.
I snuggle deeper into my bed, pulling my blankets right up to my chin as Allie scooches even closer. “No, I was already up.”
“Good, in that case, get your ass out of bed and open your window.”
“Huh?” I grumble. The idea of climbing out of bed doesn’t sit well with me right now. “My window?”
“You heard me, Zo,” he rumbles. “Walk that fine ass of yours across your room and open your window.”
Curiosity gnaws at me, and I reluctantly throw my blankets back before gripping the bedside table to help steady me as I get to my feet. Then the second I’m stable, I cut across my room to the window and peer out before breaking into a laugh.
A delivery driver stands at the curb, struggling to get control of his drone, a single pink tulip dangling below it.
My heart swells. Every single day I was in the treatment center during my second round of chemo, Noah brought me a tulip, knowing they’re my favorite. When I finished my treatment and was discharged, I figured he would stop, but he didn’t. And every day, he’s been having to find new and creative ways to have my tulip delivered. It’s the sweetest and most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. Though I have no idea where he’s getting all of these tulips from. My home is overflowing with them, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the way Noah loves me. It’s everything I’ve ever needed.
Yesterday, my tulip was delivered via paper airplane. It was a complete disaster, but it was hilarious. Today though, this is a whole new level of insanity.
“Oh my god, Noah,” I laugh, reaching up to unlock the window before the delivery guy accidentally flies his drone right into it.
I get it open just in time for the drone to storm into my room, terrifying the absolute life out of Allie. The tulip is dropped a little too soon and crashes to the ground, but I quickly scoop it up, needing to brace against my desk to keep me from tumbling over.
The drone is gone in seconds, and by the time I have the tulip in my hand and I’m straightening up, the delivery driver has the drone on the ground and is walking to pick it up. He offers me a quick salute before turning his back and making his way to his car. “Thank you,” I call after him before clutching my window and pulling it closed again.
“You got it?” Noah asks.
“Yes,” I laugh. “You know you’re absolutely insane, right?”
“Insane?” he questions as I hear the sound of his engine revving, sending him sailing back toward campus for his exam today. “I call it being a genius.”
Rolling my eyes, I move across my bedroom and add the tulip to the ever-growing bunch I have in the vase on my bedside table before dropping my ass back to the edge of my bed. “Thank you,” I tell him. “I love it, but I love you more.”
“I know,” he says with a smile in his tone. “It’s because I’m so fucking irresistible.”
“Yeah,” I scoff. “And not egotistical at all.”
Noah laughs, and the sound brings me the sweetest kind of peace. “You wouldn’t have it any other way,” he tells me before a short silence lingers between us. “Are you still planning on going to school?”
“Are you going to give me another lecture if I say yes?”
“Would I be me if I didn’t?”
I groan and scoot back down into my bed, pulling my blankets up to my chin as Allie makes herself comfortable, but it won’t be for long. She’ll be demanding her breakfast any minute now. “I thought I explained all of this last night,” I say. “I don’t want to be the cancer girl on my birthday. I just want to have a normal day and be just like everyone else who has to suffer through a shitty day at school.”
“Babe,” he groans.
“It’s not like I’m going to be participating in PE and volunteering for the debate team. I just want to sit in class with the other assholes and pretend that I’m normal,” I tell him. “Besides, I know my limits. If it’s too much, I’ll get Hope to drive me home.”
“You know I’m going to be worrying about you all day.”
“I know, but you don’t need to,” I say, pulling the phone away for just a moment to check the time, making sure I’m not already running late for what’s probably going to be one of my last days of school . . . ever. “I’m still seeing you after, right?”
“I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else.”
A soft blush creeps over my cheeks, and the smile that accompanies it is the one I reserve for only him. “Can’t wait.”
I can practically hear his smile through the phone. “Alright, Zozo, I have to go,” he tells me. “And so do you if you plan on getting to school on time.”
I groan and throw my blankets back, already regretting my decision to try and have a normal day. “Fine,” I grumble. “I suppose I could get up.”
“I’ll keep my phone on if you need me, okay? And Zo,” he says, pausing for just a moment, his voice lowering. “Happy birthday.”
I don’t know what it is about his tone, but those two words make my cheeks flush the brightest shade of pink. “Thank you,” I whisper, knowing damn well he knows what he does to me.
“Love you, Zo. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“Okay,” I say. “I love you, too.”
Noah ends the call, and my hands fall into my lap, more than aware that I could have spent the rest of my life listening to the sound of his voice, but in reality, I’d prefer to spend what time I have left wrapped in his strong, protective arms.
Realizing he was right about my morning schedule, I put my phone down on the bedside table and get my ass ready for school, taking much longer than it ever has before.
B y the time the bell sounds through the school for homeroom, I’m standing at my locker with Hope, my hands in my wig, making sure it’s straight. “Is it alright?” I murmur, being as discreet as possible. “Do you think people can tell?”
“They will if you keep pulling it like that,” she whisper-yells, scolding me and smacking my hands away.
“I can’t help it,” I argue. “It’s itchy.”
“I mean, you could have always stayed at home,” she mutters, looping her arm through mine and helping me through the throng of students scurrying to homeroom.
I roll my eyes, leaning on her a little more than I should. “And spend my birthday alone in bed, just waiting for someone to have a spare minute to text me back? No thanks. I’d rather face the jungle otherwise known as East View High. Besides, there’s only so much Netflix and chilling one girl can do, and honestly, the chilling part of it isn’t quite as exciting when I’m alone.”
Hope scoffs. “I don’t need to know what activities you participate in when you’re all alone in bed.”
My jaw drops, and I gape at my best friend. “You are too much for me.”
“Girl, you’ve got no idea,” she laughs, stepping through the door of my homeroom and delivering me right to my table. “If you had any idea the kinds of things I have to bite my tongue on to preserve your little innocent mind, you would be horrified.”
Rolling my eyes, I take my seat and shake my head at her. “You’re trouble.”
“I know, but you love it,” she says with a cheesy grin before slipping out of my homeroom and hurrying to get to hers before it’s too late.
The day drags on just as I knew it would, and by lunch, I’m practically falling asleep on my feet. My body isn’t handling it, and I’m quickly starting to crumble, but I’m determined to see it through, too stubborn for my own good.
I’ve had a million texts from Noah making sure I’m doing alright and that I’m not pushing myself too hard, and considering the big exam he has today, I don’t know how he hasn’t gotten in trouble yet. But nonetheless, I’ve responded to every single one of his messages so he wouldn’t worry.
Making my way into the cafeteria, my face scrunches at the noise. I just need to find a table to sit at to quickly eat something and then maybe I’ll let Hope talk me into spending the rest of the lunch break sleeping in my car. If she’s lucky, I might just let her convince me to drive myself home and call it a day.
But there’s only two hours of school left to go. Surely, I can make it, right? I’ll be fine. Though I hope Noah doesn’t have anything big planned for tonight because I’m going to crash hard the second I get my ass home.
Scanning the cafeteria for Hope, I find her at our usual table, and I give her a small smile, silently letting her know I’m okay. As I make my way toward her, my gaze shifts around the room and falls on the table I used to call mine.
Tarni and Cora talk between themselves, but I can’t help but notice Abby’s gaze locked on me. Her brows are furrowed as she scans over my face, my fake hair, and down my body. The longer she stares, the more concerned she looks. I can only imagine what she’s seeing—my pale skin, my sunken cheeks, the bags under my eyes, and the too-thin frame.
She leans over toward Cora and murmurs something in her ear, and within seconds, both Tarni’s and Cora’s gazes snap up.
Shit.
I let out a shaky breath and avert my gaze, focusing on Hope’s table across the cafeteria. The last thing I need today is some bullshit showdown with Tarni. I’m just lucky Shannan’s been too preoccupied with forcing her tongue down some loser’s throat to even notice I’m here today.
Taking my seat opposite of Hope, I pick at my lunch, feeling the weight of the day really settling into my bones. “Are you sure you’re alright?” Hope questions as she reaches across the table and curls her fingers around my wrists in concern.
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I really thought I’d be able to handle it, but I’m starting to have second thoughts.”
“It’s okay if you don’t finish the day,” she tells me. “It’s not like you’re being graded on whether you make it to the final bell or not. I can drive you home if you—”
Her gaze snaps above my head, and just as I go to turn around to see what’s caught her attention, a shrill laugh breaks through the cafeteria.
Tarni Luca.
“Oh my god,” Tarni laughs at my back, her tone loud enough to gain the attention of everyone around us, and I reluctantly turn to face her, preparing for the worst. “Who the hell are you trying to fool? A wig? Really? Are you that desperate to fit in?”
Her laugh chills me to the bone, and I try to force myself to appear indifferent, that her comments don’t bother me in the least, but the fact she’s drawing attention to my wig puts me on edge.
“Fuck off, Tarni,” Hope seethes, spitting through her teeth as she stands, more than ready to throw hands.
Tarni barely spares Hope a single glance as her gaze slices right back to mine with disdain. “Where’s your fucking backbone?” she throws at me. “How humiliating. You can’t even fight your own fights anymore. Are you that pathetic now that your boyfriend is gone? Shit, I don’t know what he was thinking wasting all that time with you. What was I thinking? I wasted years being your friend, but turns out you’re the type of girl to throw everything away because of good dick. Do you have any idea how dull it was to listen to your drivel day in and day out? You have the personality of a blank wall.”
Not prepared to waste what little energy I have left on Tarni’s shit, I turn back toward Hope and brace my elbow on the table before leaning my head into my hand. “Go and find someone else’s day to ruin.”
Tarni scoffs, and her hand snakes out, smacking my elbow off the table and causing my head to fall away, leaving me scrambling to catch myself. “I’m fucking talking to you, bitch.”
Hope launches herself right over the table, anger flashing in her bright blue eyes as she drops right down between me and Tarni, ruthlessly shoving her away from me. “Touch her again, bitch ,” she spits, mimicking Tarni’s tone. “And I’ll fucking end you.”
“Holy shit,” Tarni booms, flicking her gaze between me and Hope. “I fucking knew it. You two are riding the fucking pussy train together, aren’t you. It all makes sense now. Tell me, is it just the innocent scissoring shit, or are you hard-core? I bet you take strap-ons to a whole new level.”
The whole cafeteria booms with laughter, but Hope isn’t having it. “I told you to fuck off,” she says. “I’m not going to ask again.”
I put my hand up to Hope’s arm. “She’s not worth it.”
Tarni scoffs, pushing around Hope. “Oh, I’m not worth it?” she spits. “Look in the fucking mirror.”
With that, she reaches forward and grips the back of my wig, yanking hard and tearing it right off my head. My hands whip up to my head, trying to catch it and save myself the humiliation, but she’s too fast, and the wig quickly drops to the ground.
My eyes widen in horror, feeling disgustingly exposed as Tarni sucks in a loud breath. “HOLY FUCK,” she booms, the whole cafeteria pointing and staring right at me, their laughter already drowning me. “SHE’S BALD.”
My heart races, and panic grips me around the throat, squeezing tight as my gaze darts around the room, feeling smaller by the second. My chest heaves, and as their taunting laughs get louder, I find it almost impossible to breathe.
Scrambling up from the table, I run. My feet carry me through the humiliation, and just as I reach the cafeteria doors, I glance back to find Hope taking Tarni to the ground with her fists swinging. Tarni’s terrified squeal is the last thing I hear before I race out of the cafeteria and down the hall, my feet barely able to hold me up.
People stare at me, their brows furrowed as the sobbing bald girl races through the school. I stop at my locker to grab my things, stumbling with each step, but I push through it, the humiliation and devastation more than I can handle.
With all my things in hand, I keep running, straight through the front doors of East View High and down toward the student parking lot as the exhaustion quickly catches up to me. I was late, so my Range Rover is toward the back of the lot, and as I weave through the endless number of cars, falling against them as my knees start to give out, the dizziness reaches an all-time high.
I hurry to my car, desperately needing to block out the horror of the cafeteria, and just as my hand touches the back end, the dizziness claims me. The last thing I see is Principal Daniels racing toward me as my world fades to darkness.