52. Zoey
52
Zoey
M y birthday sucked. There’s no other way to put it.
After getting home from the hospital, Noah and Hope came over, and despite the fact that I was falling asleep on the couch, they stayed all night, doing what they could to help salvage the rest of my day, and I can’t lie, it definitely helped, but the sting from the whole bald debacle at school refused to subside.
We did the cake thing while Mom and Dad forced smiles across their faces despite the fear in their eyes. Then afterward, once Hope had gone home, Noah took me up to bed. He gave me an infinity charm to hang on my necklace, identical to the matching tattoos we share, and then I unapologetically forced him to recite exactly what he’d said to Tarni three times, reveling in the image of him busting down her front door.
Then, even though I was exhausted, Noah made the sweetest love to me. After he’d somehow turned such a shitty day into a perfect night, I couldn’t sleep, and so he sat out on the roof with me, holding me in his arms as we watched the stars sparkle against the dark Arizona sky.
When I couldn’t fight the exhaustion a second longer, Noah took me to bed and held me until I woke up this morning, ready to put it all behind me. At least, I thought I was until Mom was called in for a meeting with Principal Daniels. She was told that I wouldn’t be able to return to school until I have fully been cleared by my doctor—for my own safety.
It’s a fair call, and after yesterday, I don’t think I’d be foolish enough to return, but it still sucks. It’s just another thing that this disease has taken away from me.
Noah was called in to meet with his professor after handing in a blank exam yesterday, and since then, I’ve been sitting here with my laptop, but the words aren’t coming. So, instead of writing, I make my way up to my room to get dressed.
Not bothering with a wig, I tie a bandana around my head, making a knot in the back before finding a pair of shoes and heading downstairs. Mom would be pissed if she knew I was going out today. After everything that went down yesterday, everyone would be, but I don’t see how it matters.
I’m starting to realize that the little bit of hope I had for radiation is a distraction meant to keep me in good spirits while I slowly fade away. And if this really is the end, if my time on earth with Noah and my family truly is limited, then I don’t want to spend it holed up, suffering alone in my room.
Making my way downstairs, I stop by the kitchen and grab something small to eat, and just as I go to find my keys, I hear a soft knock at the door. My brows furrow, and I spare a glance at the clock. We’re not expecting anyone today. I don’t have any scheduled check-ups with the home nurses, and Noah and Hope have learned that if they bother to knock, they’ll more than likely be left standing out on the porch. They quickly figured out the importance of walking right in.
Certain it’s either the Girl Scouts, a salesman, or the antichrist coming to take me away, I brace my hand against the wall and make my way to the door. Everything seems slower now, more painful, and tiring. When I finally open the door, I find myself gaping at Cora and Abby as they stand in my open doorway with tears in their eyes.
I narrow my gaze on them, wondering what the hell they could possibly want when it hits me, they must have either been at Tarni’s house yesterday afternoon, or Tarni has already started spreading the news. I let out a heavy sigh. “Who told you?”
“Noah did,” Abby says, barely able to meet my eyes. “He broke down Tarni’s front door and kinda screamed it at us.”
Ah, so they were witness to Noah’s performance yesterday. He must have forgotten to mention that part of his grand story. “Where’s your leader?”
Abby presses her lips into a hard line. “She um . . . She couldn’t bring herself to face you after everything that went down yesterday,” she explains. “She feels like shit and hasn’t been able to get out of bed all day. But if it makes you feel any better, your friend really did a number on her. She has a black eye.”
I scoff. That actually does make me feel a little better. Though it’s almost comical that I’m the one with cancer and am a victim of her bullying, yet she can’t seem to get out of bed to face me. She has always been weak, and naturally, she’s doing her part in playing the victim. Some things will never change.
I’m glad to never have to see her again.
“Yeah, look,” Cora says. “We’re really sorry. If we knew that you were sick, we never would have—”
“Oh, this is just great,” I say, cutting her off. “Let me guess, you never would have humiliated me? Spent the last year ignoring me? Made me feel like complete shit?”
“Zoey—” Abby starts.
I shake my head. “No. What you’re trying to tell me is that if I wasn’t sick, you wouldn’t be standing here on my front doorstep trying to apologize. That your behavior is justified because you didn’t know I had cancer, like the way you’ve all treated me for the past year is somehow okay. But all you’re doing is confirming that I was right to pull away from you.”
“That’s not fair,” Cora says.
“Isn’t it?” I argue.
She shakes her head, her brows furrowing. “No. It’s not,” she says. “We were friends before any of this, for years. Doesn’t that count for anything? We were forced to pick sides, and you didn’t even seem to care.”
“I didn’t seem to care?” I scoff, needing to grip the door handle to keep from swaying. “Not one of you had my back when Noah came back into my life. You were all too busy trying to get him in bed to even care that we had history. Not to mention, you were all too self-obsessed to notice the way your behavior was killing me. So yeah, you know what? You’re right. I didn’t care about reconnecting with you. Once Noah helped me see that I was worth so much more than all of your bullshit, I didn’t even want to try.”
“You really hate us that much?” Abby questions, looking as though I just slapped her across the face.
“Honestly, I really don’t know,” I tell her. “I was willing to try again and reconnect with you both after you gave me a lift home from that lake party last summer. But in the end, what it comes down to is that you were terrible friends to me, and I’m not comfortable being forced to accept an insincere apology because you’re trying to clear your conscience before I die. It’s not my responsibility to bear the weight of your shitty decisions and behavior. If you want forgiveness, then earn it. Be good people, and don’t treat the next girl who needs help like shit.”
“So, that’s it, huh?” Cora questions. “You’re just going to die and leave things like this between us?”
“Yeah. I think this is what we call living with the consequences of your actions,” I say, reaching back to the entryway table to grab my car keys before stepping out of the house and locking the door behind me. “But let me put this into perspective for you. You just told me that you’re aware I’m dying, and not once have you asked me how I’m feeling, how my chemotherapy was, or if there’s even a chance that I might pull through. All you care about is how it affects you. But guess what? I am dying, and my time on this earth is limited, and the last thing I want to do is spend what little time I have left catering to your selfishness. I’m not interested.”
I walk away, getting halfway down the path toward my car when Abby calls out behind me. “You know, that’s really shitty of you, Zoey,” she says at my back, waiting for me to stop and turn around. “We were just innocent bystanders most of the time. The real person you have a problem with is Tarni, and now you’re just punishing us out of spite.”
I scoff, having to step back against my car to keep myself from swaying too much. “I’m not punishing you,” I tell them, already exhausted from this conversation. “I just no longer care. I’m too busy trying to spend every chance I have with the people who actually matter, the people who actually care and love me. I don’t have the energy to work you two back into my life in order to make you feel like you somehow matter. And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not even sure I’ll make it to graduation. But for what it’s worth, you’re right. Most of the time, the nastiness came from Tarni, but not once did either of you step in and try to put a stop to it. Despite years of friendship, you allowed that bullshit to continue. So while the vile things that were said and done against me didn’t come directly from you, you’re both just as guilty.”
And with that, I unlock my Range Rover and climb in, needing just a second to sit and catch my breath.
I watch as Cora starts to cry and Abby pulls her away, leading her back to her car that’s parked behind mine, blocking me in, and I hope to God that they can use this as an opportunity to grow, to be better people. They drop back into the car, and it hits me that this could potentially be the very last time I ever see either of them, but despite how things were left, I don’t seem to care how they feel.
Then as they both get in and Abby starts backing out of my driveway, I pull out my phone and work on a new text to Noah.
Zoey: *Middle finger emoji*
Resident Asshole: What the hell was that for?
Zoey: You failed to mention that Abby and Cora knew I was sick. They just bombarded me, begging for forgiveness.
Resident Asshole: Ah shit. How’d that go?
Zoey: Take however you think it went and make it ten times worse.
Resident Asshole: Fuck. My bad.
Zoey: It’s fine, actually. I put things into perspective for them. Maybe they might have learned something for once. They didn’t even bother asking me how I was doing. They only cared how it affected their guilty consciences.
Resident Asshole: Fucking bitches. Always knew you were better off without them.
Resident Asshole: I’m on my way back now anyway. Want me to bring you cheesy fries?
Zoey: I’ll forgive you if you add a burger to go with it.
Zoey: And a soda.
Zoey: OH! And some rock candy. I love that stuff!
Resident Asshole: That rock candy is gonna cost you!
Zoey: I’ll give you a little peek at my laptop…
Resident Asshole: You’re lying.
Zoey: Totally lying…but where does that leave us on the rock candy?
Resident Asshole: You’re lucky you’re hot!
Zoey: HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!
A wide grin stretches across my face, knowing without a doubt that Noah isn’t just showing up with everything I asked for, but with everything and more . . . so much more. He likes to spoil me, and if that means making sure I eat as much as humanly possible, he’ll buy it, even if it means putting a dent in his bank account. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make sure I’m getting everything I need. He’s far too good to me. I just wish there was some way I was able to repay him for everything he’s doing for me. Just the nights where he holds me is so much more than I’ve ever deserved.
How does a girl become so lucky as to be loved so fiercely by Noah Ryan?
With Noah already on his way back, I put my car into reverse and back out of the driveway before finally getting out of here. I drive down to the cemetery and park as close to Linc’s grave as possible. It’s a beautiful day, and since being sick, I haven’t come down here nearly enough.
Making my way to his gravesite, I stand over him for a minute, staring down at the words on his tombstone and then gazing over the few pictures that have been left here.
Starting to get dizzy, I drop down into the grass, crossing my legs and leaning back on my hands. There’s always been something so soothing about sitting here with Linc. Most of the time, I can picture him sitting right here beside me, chatting away as though he were never gone.
God, I miss him, but I know he’s waiting for me, beckoning me to come and join him so that he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. Hazel once told me she feared my sickness coming back was Linc’s doing, that he needed me to be with him, and a part of me is starting to wonder if she was right. And if she is, how could I be mad at him for that?
Letting out a heavy sigh, I reach forward to the plastic folder that Hazel leaves here and start going through the messages that she leaves for Linc. I know it’s wrong of me to reply to these and allow her to believe that it’s really Linc talking to her, but it’s gone on too long now. How could I possibly stop? But on the other hand, if this illness were to claim me and I was no longer able to respond to her letters, would she think that both Linc and I had abandoned her?
Shit. Perhaps Noah will respond to them for me, though he’d have to come up with an explanation as to why Linc’s handwriting suddenly took a dive.
Finishing up with my response to Hazel, I settle the plastic folder right back where I found it before getting comfortable in the manicured grass. I kick my legs out, crossing them at the ankles before just sitting here in the sun, closing my eyes, and breathing in the sunshine.
I rarely get to do this now. Every day is the same four walls, but this right here . . . I feel so at peace.
I don’t pay attention to the time, and before I know it, a familiar black Camaro pulls into the cemetery, driving right around until it pulls to a stop behind my Range Rover. Noah steps out a minute later, my lunch piled high in his arms, and with only one look at it, I know there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to eat all of that, but Noah is a machine when it comes to food. He could eat all day, non-stop, and still be hungry. I don’t know where it all goes.
“You scared me for a minute,” he tells me, striding up toward Linc’s grave, his gaze shifting to the tombstone and lingering there.
“I knew you’d eventually find me,” I say, knowing without a doubt that he would have stopped at the park before coming here as his second option.
Noah smiles and drops down beside me, handing me the extra-large soda. “I know you too well,” he agrees.
A smile lingers on my lips, and I turn my gaze back to Linc. “I didn’t think I was going to be here this long,” I admit, “but I just kinda sat down and never left. It’s peaceful here.”
“That, it is. I’ve been coming down here more often,” he admits. “You know, he would have turned fifteen this year.”
I nod, having had that exact thought today and nearly blowing myself away. “It’s insane how quickly time flies. It feels like yesterday that he died, and then I blinked, and suddenly, all this time has passed.”
Noah nods and loops his arm over my shoulder before pulling me into him. On instinct, I tilt my head, resting it against his big shoulder, wishing so desperately that I never have to lose this. We sit in silence as we eat our lunch, and before I know it, the clouds have blocked out the warmth of the sun. It’s certainly not cold during this time of year, but it’s enough to have Noah glancing at me nervously.
“Come on,” he tells me. “Let me get you home.”
Not wanting to argue with him, I simply nod and allow him to pull me up, knowing he’s right. I’ve been gone for longer than I anticipated, and soon enough, I’m going to need to lie down and replenish what little energy my body can work up.
Noah scoops up all of our trash from lunch and quickly jogs across the cemetery to get rid of it, and as I glance down at Linc’s grave one more time, a soft smile spreads across my face. “I hope you’re waiting for me, kid,” I tell him when Noah is far enough away and unable to hear me. A single tear rolls down my cheek, and I hastily wipe it away, feeling my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. “I’m going to be seeing you real soon, but I’m going to need you to guide me through. I’m scared, Linc. I don’t know what waits for me on the other side, but I know with you holding my hand, I’m going to be okay.”
As I let out a heavy breath, the smile falters on my face, and I make my way back to my car, knowing without a doubt that Noah will follow me the whole way home.