54. Noah
54
Noah
O ver the past three weeks, I’ve watched her deteriorate, watched as she slowly began to slip away. It’s the most excruciating thing I’ve ever had to suffer through, but I’ve held myself together, knowing just how much she needs me. I won’t allow her to fall, even if it means giving up everything I am in order to protect her.
Zoey James is my whole world. I breathe for her, and when she’s gone . . . I don’t know if I’ll even be able to breathe at all.
Most of the time, she can barely get out of bed or stay awake long enough to listen to Hazel’s stories, but she pushes through it, wanting to soak up every last second of the time she has left, and that includes senior prom. I really don’t know how this is going to go, but when she stood before me, clutching my hands, and asked if I’d be her date to prom, how could I possibly resist the chance to make her smile?
She’s been so excited about this, searching for the perfect dress and forcing her mom to video chat her through a million different stores to pick it out. It’s kept her busy and happy, but I worry about the crash on the other side. It’s as though getting to prom was a milestone for her, but what happens after that milestone has been met? What keeps her motivated to hold on then?
Dread fills my veins, but I push it aside. My only goal is to see her smile as much as possible before the inevitable end.
I stand outside her house in a black suit with my jacket open and the top few buttons of my shirt left undone. I know how she gets a kick out of seeing me all dressed up like this, and because it’s her prom—maybe the only chance she has left to do something like this—I went all out. I’m even going to knock on the door and wait for her father to help her down the stairs before putting her corsage on.
If we’re doing this, then we’re doing it right, and I’m going to show her the best night of her life.
Glancing down, I make sure I have everything, not wanting to be that dick who accidentally leaves the corsage in the back of the car and then has to make an ass of himself by running out to grab it. I pat down my pockets. Phone, keys, and wallet are all there, but what does it matter? The only thing I truly need is Zoey.
Then raising my fist, I knock on the door and hear my mother’s familiar tone coming from within the house. “Awwwwwwww, what a big cutie. He actually knocked on the door for a change.”
Great. I was expecting a lot of things tonight, but for some reason, I hadn’t prepared for my overbearing mother. She’s about to make the next hour of our lives a living hell with all the photos and gushing. Though, maybe one day soon I might want all of these photos and be desperate to lay my eyes on Zoey’s beautiful face, even if it’s only through the screen of my mother’s phone.
The door opens a moment later, and I glance down to find Hazel with her father quickly creeping in behind her. “Ewwww,” Hazel says, a smirk pulling at her lips. “You look like one of those try-hard dudes out of a bad mafia movie.”
I scoff and ruffle her hair. “You wish you could look this good.”
She pretends to gag as Henry glances over me. “Not bad, kid,” he says. “Who would have known you could scrub up so well?”
I roll my eyes as Mom and Erica barge their way through, starting the onslaught of over-the-top gushing. “You remembered the corsage, didn’t you?” Mom double-checks, even though she can see it right here in my hand. “Tonight has to be perfect.”
“Yes, Mom,” I groan, holding up the corsage. “I’ve got everything I need.”
“Perfect,” Erica says, a grin from ear to ear. “I’ll go see if she’s ready.”
Erica takes off, and I’m not surprised when Mom and Hazel hurry up the stairs behind her. Despite everything Zoey and I have already been through, I can’t work out why the hell I suddenly feel so nervous.
Zoey’s father remains by the door, his gaze coming back to mine as we hear Zoey’s mom knocking on her bedroom door. “I always thought I’d be giving you the bring her home by midnight speech,” Henry tells me. “But . . . just make sure she has a great night, something for her to hold on to. Make some memories.”
I nod. “I will.”
He gives me a tight smile, and I see the dread in his eyes, the same way it lingers in mine, and just as he goes to say something else, we hear Erica calling from upstairs. “Zoey, honey? Where are you?”
My brows furrow, not liking the tone in Erica’s voice when I hear my mom. “I’ll check the bathroom,” she mutters to Erica before I hear her footsteps hurrying down the hall. There’s a quick knock before I hear Mom’s voice again. “Hey, my little warrior. Are you in here?”
There’s the subtle creak of the door before Mom calls out again. “She’s not here either,” she says. “Where could she have gone?”
They check the rest of the house, but when they start making their way back down the stairs with furrowed brows, I realize I already know the answer to their questions. “It’s alright,” I tell them before they start to panic that she’s passed out somewhere. “I know where she is.”
With that, I turn on my heel and jog down to my car. “Let me know when you find her,” Zoey’s dad hollers after me.
As I unlock my Camaro and drop into it, I glance back toward the parents and give a firm nod, knowing without a doubt that they’re going to worry until they know she’s safe. Then hitting the gas, I take off down the street, desperate to get to her.
Pulling up in the park barely a few minutes later, I look out toward the swings and find her sitting in the moonlight, her silver gown sparkling with her subtle movements. She doesn’t make a move to look back, but I know she senses me here.
Quickly shooting off a text to Zoey’s dad, I let them know I’ve got her, and with that, I push out of my car and make my way across the park, my gaze lingering on my girl as she gently swings back and forth.
I plant myself right in front of her, crouching down as I grip the chains on either side of her, bringing her to a stop as I look up into those dazzling green eyes. She’s fucking gorgeous, and my heart stutters in my chest as I take her in. “Fuck, Zo,” I breathe, unable to take my eyes off her as a soft blush spreads across her cheeks. “You’re breathtaking.”
She smiles but it’s only a small one, the exhaustion of her day already shining through. “I’m sorry,” she says, her gaze eating me up as she checks me out in my suit. “You got all dressed up for me, but I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’m just . . . I’m tired.”
“It’s okay,” I whisper. “Seeing the way the moonlight sparkles off you in this dress is more than enough for me. I just want you to have a good night.”
She shakes her head with sadness in her eyes. “You went through all that trouble getting Principal Daniels to let me go,” she says, her voice breaking. “All I wanted was to dance with you at prom. Anything else would have been a bonus.”
Releasing the chains, I brush my fingers down the side of her face and watch as she leans into my touch. “Who said you still can’t dance with me at prom?”
Her brows furrow. “I . . . What?”
I grin, standing up and offering her my hand and getting the sweetest satisfaction as she delicately places her hand in mine. Closing my fingers around hers, I help her up from the swing, placing my other hand at her waist as her feet press into the sand.
I move us back to where the ground isn’t so bumpy before lifting our joined hands over her head and gently spinning her before pulling her right in against my chest. “Just because we’re not in some stale school gym with shitty decorations and a bunch of teenagers trying to get laid doesn’t mean we can’t have our own prom right here,” I tell her. “Pick your favorite song and let me dance with you.”
Her cheeks flush, and when the overwhelming happiness reaches her eyes, I could crumble right here in her arms. “You’re going to dance with me right here in the middle of the park?” she asks, pulling her phone out of the hidden pocket at the side of her silver gown.
“There’s not a damn thing I wouldn’t do for you, Zoey James. And if you want to dance with me on your prom night, then we’ll do that until our feet can’t move a second longer.”
Zoey tips her head up to me, pushing up on her tippy toes and brushing the softest kiss over my lips. “You need to warn a girl before you make her swoon like that.”
“Never,” I tease, my hand curling around her back and pulling her in even closer. “I’m a live on the edge kind of guy.”
Zoey grins wide, rolling her eyes before finally hitting play on a song and carefully tossing her phone into the grass to free up her other hand. A cover of “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Jasmine Thompson starts playing through her phone speaker and my chest starts to ache as she folds back into me.
I avoid listening to songs with deep lyrics that force me to face reality, but if this is what she wants to dance to, then I’ll suck it up and be the man she needs me to be, even as the words eat me alive.
Zoey and I move so perfectly together that it’s clear we were made for one another. Her hand rests against my chest as we dance in the moonlight, my hand low on her back. “Tell me you didn’t walk here,” I say, my lips moving against her temple.
I hear the smile in her tone. “I can barely walk across my living room. I’m not stupid enough to try and walk all the way here,” she tells me, gently lifting her head and meeting my gaze. “I stole Hazel’s hoverboard and rolled my ass here.”
I grin down at her, picturing this beautiful goddess in her silver gown flying down the street on a hoverboard. “You know, I would have paid to see that, right?”
“If you’re lucky, I might just let you see it for free.”
I can’t help but laugh as I drop my lips to hers and kiss her as we dance through the park with the starry Arizona sky as the perfect backdrop.
When she pulls back and rests her head against my chest again, she lets out a heavy sigh, clearly deep in thought. “What’s wrong?” I ask, my hand moving up and down her back.
“Nothing’s wrong,” she whispers in a small tone as if still considering whether she’s going to say anything. “I was just thinking about you and me, and what I’ll be leaving behind.”
“Zo—”
“No,” she says, cutting me off, gazing up at me with such a deep love in her eyes that it almost brings me to my knees. “It’s just . . . After I’m gone, when you think about us and how we were together, I want you to remember us this way. Not the pain of losing me or the long days in that treatment center. I want you to remember these moments that were so unbelievably perfect that you took my breath away and left me feeling so overwhelmingly in love with you.” She holds my gaze, pausing for just a moment. “Promise me, Noah. Promise me you’ll remember us this way .”
Dropping my forehead to hers, I swallow hard, trying to gain some semblance of control over the wild emotions burning through my body. “You have to understand, Zo, I never planned on you being a memory. When you’re gone, and I have to say goodbye, it’s going to destroy me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive it, but I promise, when the time comes that I’m able to think back and remember our life together, when just the mention of your name doesn’t tear me to shreds, I’ll remember us just like this.”
Those beautiful green eyes fill with tears, and she pushes up on her toes again, kissing me gently before settling back into my arms. “Thank you,” she whispers just as the song comes to an end and shifts into something new. “Perfect ” by Ed Sheeran.
As the opening lyrics sound through the park, I feel Zoey’s smile against my chest, and I realize just how well-suited this song is to this very moment. Every single lyric hits home. “I’m pretty sure this song was made for us.”
Zoey laughs and snuggles in closer to my chest. “You’re cheesy, Noah Ryan.”
“Says the one who gave me the puppy dog eyes saying that all she wanted was to dance with me on prom night,” I grin. “You knew what you were doing when you said that.”
Her grin stretches wider across her face, and I realize just how right I was. I was taking a shot in the dark when I said that, but her grin is nothing but a blunt confirmation. No one’s ever claimed that Miss Zoey James wasn’t sneaky as all hell. She’s a master manipulator in the best way, and I fucking adore that about her.
Two songs are all she can handle before we find ourselves sitting in the grass. Zoey sits between my legs, her back resting against my chest as my arm remains locked around her waist, holding her against me.
Her gaze lingers on the twinkling sky, watching the world pass us by. “Do you believe in reincarnation?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I don’t know,” I tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever really thought that hard about it.”
“Yeah, me either,” she says. “But I’ve been wondering about it these past few weeks, like if it were true, what I’d want to come back as, and I can’t stop thinking that I’d want to come back as a bird.”
A smile pulls at my lips, and I drop my head, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “Out of all the things you could potentially come back as, you choose a pigeon?”
“No,” she laughs, jamming her elbow back into my stomach. “Not a dirty pigeon. I want to be one of those real pretty ones with all the colors that can fly higher than any of the others,” she says, pausing a moment. “I don’t know, birds are just so . . . free. They soar through the skies, flying into the horizon without a care in the world.”
“Sounds perfect,” I murmur.
Zoey shrugs her shoulders. “I just think that after having to deal with everything that’s going on right now, a life soaring through the skies sounds like a dream,” she says, letting out a heavy breath. “What about you? What would you come back as?”
“I don’t know. Is this a world where you’re still alive, and I’m the one who’s gone?”
“How does that have anything to do with what you’re coming back as?”
“Answer the question, Zo. Are you alive or not?”
“Yes,” she laughs. “I’m alive.”
I grin, knowing she’d say that. “In that case, I’m coming back as your favorite pair of panties,” I tell her. “And it better be a thong, too. Otherwise, I’d be pissed.”
“Noah!” she screeches, ramming me in the ribs again, but all I can do is laugh as she pulls herself up and scrambles around until she’s straddled over my thighs, having to hoist the bottom of her gown up to give her space to move. She flings her arms around my neck, and I brace a hand at her waist, hating how much she sways.
It’s been a long day for her. I should get her home soon.
“You’re trouble, you know that, right?” she says, her eyes sparkling with silent laughter.
I grin wide. “Not as much trouble as you.”
Zoey rolls her eyes and leans into me, resting her head against my shoulder as I hold us both up. “Noah?” she questions, her voice barely a whisper. “Can I ask you something?”
“What’s up, Zo?”
“How did you picture our lives?”
My brows furrow. “What do you mean?”
“If I never got sick, and we got to have everything we ever wanted,” she explains. “What would that look like?”
My body sags, and I let out a breath. “Are you sure you really want to know this?” I ask. “I don’t want to upset you.”
“I wanna know,” she tells me. “And don’t even think about telling me that you haven’t ever thought about it because I know you have. You’ve known since we were kids, and while I have my own idea of how I wanted to see our lives play out together, I want to know yours.”
I force a smile across my face. She’s right. I’ve been thinking about the future we could have together since I was a kid. I always knew we would end up together and grow old in each other’s arms, but it wasn’t until I was thirteen and realized what I felt for her was more than just a kid’s crush. It ran deeper than anything I knew could exist, anything I’d seen in the movies. Our souls were entwined together, permanently connected as one, and I knew every step we took in life would be done as one.
Since then, it’s been almost impossible not to imagine what kind of life we would build together. But now, knowing that dream is never going to happen, that every day we get closer to having to say goodbye, thinking about that future does nothing but hurt.
“It’s simple,” I say, brushing my fingers over her creamy shoulder. “The second I could, I would have made you my wife and given you the grand wedding you’ve always deserved. Then while we were away doing the whole NFL thing, I’d have your belly swollen with our babies. Four—”
“At the same time?” she gasps.
“No,” I laugh. “Two boys. Two girls. Just like you, me, Linc, and Hazel. It would have been a new generation of musketeers.”
“The boys older,” she whispers in a dreamy state, “so they could always protect the girls, just like you’ve always protected me.”
“Of course.”
“I’m sorry,” she tells me, a heaviness lingering between us. “You don’t know how badly I wish we could have had all of that and more. I think I first started dreaming about marrying you when I was ten, maybe eleven.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh,” she says, sounding a little sheepish. “Nearly every night for a year straight, I would have these vivid dreams about being yours, whether it was some grand proposal, our actual wedding, or leaving for our honeymoon.”
My heart thunders in my chest, desperately wishing for some kind of window into her mind to see what she saw in those dreams. “You never told me that.”
“I was so young,” she says. “I was embarrassed, and we were still in that awkward stage where we didn’t know if we were more than friends. I didn’t want you to think I was crazy. Besides, you were the older, cool football protégé, and I was such a nerd. On some level, I knew you would never turn your back on me, but I was also terrified that one day you’d realize that I was nothing more than an obsessed kid and start putting distance between us.”
“You really thought that?”
“Right up until Linc died and you actually did,” she admits, a strange tone in her voice, both of us still hurting over that time apart despite how far we’ve come. “I figured one day you would just fall deeper with your football friends, and I’d get left behind. But you never did. You always showed up for me.”
I press a kiss to her cheek, a smile pulling at my lips as I wonder just how much I can still offer her before she finally passes, if I can somehow make just one of her dreams come true. “I’ll never stop, Zo,” I tell her. “I will forever show up for you.”