Chapter Four
I was sitting at the table when my mother came in from a walk on the beach Thursday morning. She gave me one of her looks when she saw my laptop.
“Please tell me you aren’t working again.”
I sipped my coffee with a shrug. “The insurance world doesn’t pause when I go on vacation. I’m just cleaning up a few accounts and forwarding messages that need to be taken care of while I’m out, I promise.”
She went to the coffee pot. “Fine, but if I see you on there for more than 30 minutes, I’m turning off the WiFi.”
“Deal!”
Sadie came out of her room, still half asleep. “Morning, Momma.”
“Good morning, Bug.” I pulled her in for a hug and triple mom kiss on the cheek. “I don’t need your uncle today. We finished our last shopping trip last night so he is all yours for the rest of the week.”
Sadie looked pleased but still groggy-eyed as she headed to the bathroom.
I logged out of my work system and told my mother I was switching to my personal account so she wouldn’t steal the internet.
“What do you have planned for the day?” I asked her as I started going through my emails.
“Are you going to hang out with Sadie and Uncle Mickey” —my finger stopped scrolling— “or…”
My vision went out of focus so I blinked rapidly until I could see clearly again then my blood ran cold as I read the subject line glaring at me a second time.
I don’t know how long I sat there in silence, gawking at the screen, but jumped with a start at Sadie’s unexpected voice beside me.
“What does P-A-R-O-L-E spell?”
I practically slammed the computer closed. My heart started pounding while I gaped at my curious daughter. I turned to my mother in desperation, feeling paralyzed, unable to speak, unable to think.
She was watching me with questions in her eyes as well, then they widened when it clicked what word Sadie had spelled.
“Sadie, let’s go start your bath so we can get our day going when your uncle gets back from fishing.” She quickly walked over and grabbed her granddaughter’s hand and led her to the hallway. “I think we should have a Grandma, Uncle Mickey, and Sadie fun day if you ask me. Let’s see, we could have lunch, then go to the arcade. Oh, and how about if we—”
Once my mother closed the bathroom door behind them, I turned back and opened the laptop again with unsteady fingers.
When the screen lit up, I felt like a fist was squeezing my heart as I stared at the words I’d hoped I would never have to see or hear.
Notice of Parole for Andrew Marcus Cage
I pressed my palms into my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to clear my head, but it wasn’t working.
I was usually able to keep memories of the past at bay, but those words were burning a hole through my shields, quickly pulling me into a place I had no desire to go—the last few months of my marriage.
Drew had grown tired of constantly being told what to do and when to do it. That had been a key factor when the decision was made not to extend his contract with the armed forces.
He’d also been unhappy he kept getting passed over for promotions he thought he deserved. I never opened my mouth to suggest he probably did it to himself considering how many times he’d gotten into hot water with his commanding officers over the years.
When the deadline came, our new course set, I’d advised my employer we would be moving back home when Drew was discharged from service .
My boss requested a meeting a few months before our departure and proposed I stay with the brokerage remotely. It seemed like an ideal solution for our family to have income still while Drew looked for employment. Plus, with me being pregnant, I could take some maternity leave and then continue working after all.
Drew was officially out of the army four weeks before my due date. After ten years of moving around the country to different army posts, we left his last duty station in Georgia and returned home to Tennessee. We were settling in; me adjusting my workflow with my new home equipment, Grace began attending her new school, and Drew started looking for a job while we waited for the baby to arrive.
The first few weeks after Sadie’s birth were one of the happiest periods of my marriage. Drew was smitten with our new little daughter and even stayed up with her so I could get some sleep between feedings.
He was attentive to my needs, helpful with Grace, and incredibly sweet with the baby. It gave me hope we were starting a bright new chapter.
It wasn’t long before I began to struggle with our new reality instead.
The military had given my husband structure for a decade. Without it, I’d watched Drew’s foundation quickly crumble.
He hadn’t been concerned that he was having trouble finding a job. My worry grew as he started to slip back into old behaviors, though. He started drinking more and disappearing for hours, blowing through our savings on I didn’t even know what. He stopped being as helpful with Sadie and spent less time playing with Grace or doing schoolwork with her. He started going to the gym or other unknown places, being away from home most of the day when I could have used his support with the girls to get through my work day more easily since I had to return to it sooner than I’d planned.
We’d begun arguing daily. I repeatedly asked him for help; he insisted my at-home job meant I had more time to handle things there since he was busy looking for work. The arguments always ended the same. He would start yelling before storming out of the apartment or disappearing into our bedroom to sleep.
I would work a full eight hours while juggling the baby and getting Grace to and from school. After work, I’d help with homework, take care of dinner and baths, get the children to bed then do the laundry and clean up after they were asleep.
I was exhausted and overwhelmed but could see the pattern of my husband’s behavior and knew deep down he was doing things he shouldn’t be doing. Again.
Drew eventually found a job managing a convenience store when Sadie was seven weeks old. It was usually a late shift which meant I continued taking care of the children alone in the evenings after a long day of working while he would be sleeping or away from home. His habits and attitude didn’t improve once employed again and every day I grew more and more sure I couldn’t keep going on like that much longer .
Our marriage had already started to inevitably unravel, and the day I knew it was time to end it, was also the last I saw or spoke to Drew…
He came home early one afternoon. She heard him close the door and then water running as he went to take a shower without even saying hello.
When he did come into the living room, she was busy at her desk. Their three-month-old baby was fussy in her glider beside it while she was on the phone with a problem client. He tickled the baby on the chin before plopping down on the couch.
When she hung up the phone, she turned to him with tired eyes. “You’re home early.”
He picked up the remote as he opened a beer. “I’m going back out soon.”
She fought to keep agitation out of her voice. “Can you please turn that down?”
He rolled his eyes and dropped the volume of the TV a fraction.
She turned back to her desk. “Do you think you could take the baby out for a while? Maybe a walk and some fresh air would be good for her. She’s been super fussy today and making work a struggle. Fridays are always crazy busy for me.”
“I told you, I need to go out in a bit. You can suck it up, sugar,” he told her dismissively.
She stared at her computer for several moments then took a deep breath. “We’ve talked about this. I need you to help me more. Please. The girls need—”
“For fucks sake, Maddie! Can you lay off? I got fired today!”
She swirled her chair around. “W-What are you talking about?”
He shrugged. “Failed drug test and some bullshit about money going missing that they are trying to pin on me.”
The blood drained from her face. “But you haven’t used any drugs since before the army. You promised.”
He took another swig of his beer. “Yeah, well, you promised not to get fat again.”
She choked back tears and waited to see if he would acknowledge the drug use further. Several minutes passed, the only sound coming from the show he was still watching.
She chewed her lip in a panic. “What are we going to do if you don’t have a job? My income isn’t as high as yours was from the army. I don’t—”
“I’ll figure it out!” He jumped angrily to his feet, bumping the coffee table hard and knocking over the beer. The boom of his voice spooked the baby who began crying. A second later, her work phone started ringing.
She looked helplessly at the phone, the baby, then him. “Please, can you take her to the other room?” she practically begged.
He picked up the knocked-over bottle, downed what was still left in it, and sauntered toward the doorway. “I don’t need this shit from you. You’re superwoman, right? Figure it out yourself.”
She stood, grabbing his arm desperately as he passed her desk. “Babe, wait—”
His hand came up instantly as if to shrug her off, but he closed his fist and his knuckles connected with her cheek.
She saw stars as she fell back in the chair. When she lifted a shaking hand to her stinging face and her eyes to his, she saw no remorse in them.
“Oops,” he said, his tone flat, before he walked out of the room.
She sat unmoving as a car door slammed before tires peeled out of the parking lot. Eventually, the blood rushing in her ears subsided and she heard the crying again. She quickly cradled the infant in her arms and opened her shirt.
The phone kept ringing until she was clear-minded enough to reach out and press the mute button.
She stared into space for a long time, deep in thought as the baby nursed. After a while, she moved again. First, to wipe the tears from her cheeks before she stood up.
Still holding the now sleeping infant, she went to the apartment door and put the chain lock in place then went back to her desk and called her boss, letting him know she needed the rest of the day off .
She called her mother next, asking her to pick her granddaughter up from school.
She stroked the baby’s cheek and kissed her forehead before picking up her cell phone again. When the call went to his voicemail, she spoke with resolve even though her voice shook.
“I want a divorce.”
I could hear my mother talking to Sadie in the bathroom as she splashed in the water while I sat in silence, going through my emotions.
Deciding it was time to end your life with someone was painful, no matter the circumstances.
Holding an infant while my face throbbed had forced me to think about the life I wanted my children to have and the decisions I’d made when Grace had been the baby in my arms. I wasn’t 19 anymore… I didn’t have to continue to live with old choices and watch horrible patterns repeat. Finding out Drew was using drugs again and stealing money had given me crystal clarity that while I’d grown and changed, my husband had not.
Having a dependable income and being back home, near family and friends instead of isolated in other parts of the country as I’d been for 10 years, helped give me courage instead of continuing to feel powerless.
I’d been scared and heartbroken seven years ago but had known what I needed to do. Loving someone didn’t mean you had to let them keep hurting you. The girls deserved a home without the ugly parts of my marriage. I’d decided that day it was up to me to remove them.
And it had been the beginning of the end, just not how I’d imagined it at the time I made the decision.
I like to believe I would have gone through with divorcing Drew even if what had happened next hadn’t happened at all.
Feeling sick, I opened the email from Detective Ramirez.
Sonia Ramirez had knocked on my door two days after Drew left and didn’t come back. She was there with a warrant to search the apartment. He’d been found in a hotel near Atlanta, high on methamphetamine. A woman was in the room with him and had died from an overdose. Because more of the drug was found in his car, Drew was arrested for possession, crossing state lines with illegal substances, and involuntary manslaughter.
It had been an obvious and massive last straw for me.
I found a lawyer who was swift with divorce proceedings when one of the spouses was incarcerated. Three months after Drew was arrested, I was a single mother of two with full custody.
My phone number had long since been changed to stop the calls coming from the jail he was taken to.
Six months later, Sonia reached out, letting me know Drew had taken a deal. He pled guilty to the charges so he could serve sentences concurrently instead of consecutively and was given twelve years .
I started reading her message and felt my anxiety build with each sentence. Drew was being granted parole and was scheduled to be released from prison on June 13th.
Sonia’s email advised me not to freak out, not in those exact words, but I could read between the lines. Drew would be required to stay in Georgia until his supervision was lifted at the end of the full sentence and he would be monitored electronically. He’d need special permission to leave the state for any reason and his parole officer was unlikely to grant a request to go see his children without custody or even visitation rights.
I tried to focus and read the rest of her message but all I could think about was how Drew didn’t seem to have a problem with breaking rules and laws in the past. Hopefully, he would remain on the tight leash Sonia was trying to convince me he’d be on.
I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands down my face, then put my head in them until I heard footsteps. My mother was hurrying toward me.
I looked past her with worry, but she shook her head. “Sadie didn’t ask again; she’s still playing in the water. They’re letting him out?!”
I nodded numbly.
“How can that be? It hasn’t even been seven years yet.”
“Good behavior and overpopulation. All that BS.” I gestured to the screen, inviting her to read the words herself, and sat in silence while she did .
When my mother finished the email, she looked at me with concern and put her hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, honey.”
Sadie called out that she was ready to get out of the bathtub and my mother squeezed my arm. “I’ll get her.”
I closed the laptop, and then my eyes with a shudder. I wasn’t ready for this. I would never have been ready for this. I had to figure out how to tell my girls.
Sadie was an infant when Drew was arrested. She didn’t remember anything about him. She didn’t even really know who he was, the things he had done, or where he’d been almost her whole life. I’d never been able to bring myself to tell my little girl her father went to prison for someone’s death. Any time Sadie randomly brought up her dad, I would simply tell her he’d made some choices in life that meant he couldn’t be a part of hers.
Grace was old enough to explain what happened in a way she could understand, and the first six months he was gone she’d cried for Drew daily. Then one day out of the blue, she’d told me she didn’t have a father and never wanted to even hear his name again. She refused to talk about him to this day. She’d also cut off contact with her Aunt Alexis for a while when she wouldn’t stop pressuring Grace to visit her brother or respond to his letters.
The letters began coming about six months after Drew’s conviction. Every time one arrived, Grace would refuse to open it and shut down on me for several days. After the first half dozen, she asked me to destroy them when they came, to not even let her know about them. I’d respected her second request but not the first. I kept the letters in a box in my bedroom closet, thinking someday she might want to read them. I’d been relieved though, when they stopped showing up after a while.
I did read the letters Drew addressed to me. The first few expressed his remorse, how he hoped I would forgive him one day and give him another chance. He would write about happy memories, how much he loved me and the girls, penning details about what he wanted our lives to be like when he got out of prison. The same type of things he would say every time he’d done something awful during our marriage; love bomb and charm me until I’d convince myself he was changing.
His written words hadn’t held the same spell as his physical presence. I never responded to any of his letters.
The last few had turned ugly. Angry with me for ‘ deserting’ him when he needed me instead of being a ‘ dutiful wife’ and staying by his side through ‘ hard times. ’ Even blaming me for what happened, claiming it was my fault he went on a bender because I’d left that message I wanted to leave him.
Drew’s goal was to hurt me as much as possible with the last line he wrote in the last letter I received about a year into his sentence.
‘ I never would have married your fat ass if I hadn’t knocked you up.’
I’d never been able to talk to my family or friends about the full extent of what my marriage had been like, things that were sometimes said and done. I was too embarrassed and ashamed for them to know all the ugly truths .
It was always directed at me; Drew never put an angry hand on Grace. His yelling and harsh words were also aimed at me alone. Our relationship over, I worried what that could mean for my children if he re-entered their lives.
I swallowed my emotions. I thought I had five more years to prepare for Drew leaving prison.
Of course… what I’d dreaded preparing for was him just turning up at my door someday. Drew would’ve been free to go where he pleased if he served his full sentence. I chewed my lip as I thought about what impact his parole could have on the girls.
The detective’s email made it sound like it wasn’t much of a step down from his incarceration. It didn’t seem like Drew was gaining very much freedom. If that were the case, did anything need to change right now?
I didn’t have to give the girls letters if they started showing up again. Lines could easily be blocked if Drew got a hold of my cell number or called my work.
Grace had distance for an extra layer of protection since she was away at school up north most of the year.
He would have to get me in court over visitation rights with Sadie. It sounded like that wouldn’t be easy for him to accomplish, taking a lot of time if he tried.
My mind raced over different scenarios and how I could handle them if they occurred. I could do this; I didn’t have to tell the girls. At least not yet.
I made up my mind with a firm nod as I left the table .
I was determined to push Drew out of my thoughts and not let this ruin the rest of my vacation as I headed toward the hallway.
As I passed the kitchen counter, I spotted the candy bowl my uncle always kept filled with chocolates to satisfy his sweet tooth.
I continued past it, ignoring the impulse to grab one.
It felt extremely gratifying to have control of my emotions.
I would not spiral back into old habits just because the past was rearing its ugly head.
At least that’s what I told myself, hopeful it would stick.