Chapter Seventeen
W e untangled from the sofa and Logan took my hand as he led me to his bedroom. He reached into the dark and pressed a dimmer switch to bring up lights, giving the room a soft glow as he ushered me in.
I glanced around the suite, large enough to fit half my uncle’s condo in it, before turning back to him. My heart had started pounding. “Umm, d-do you think I could have a few minutes alone?”
Logan studied me for a moment. “Of course.” He pointed to the closest door on the right side of the room. “That’s the bathroom if you need it. I’ll change. Just call out when you want me to come back, alright?”
I nodded quickly, then watched him walk through the second doorway and shut it behind him. I took a deep breath and glanced at the windows, and then the wall beside them caught my attention. An oval mirror was hanging on it over a pretty little table. I went to it and studied myself .
My hair was tussled and my lips were slightly swollen from our kissing. I stared at my face through several more deep breaths, then shifted my eyes to the reflection of the large four-poster king bed covered with crisp white linens and big plush pillows stacked high against the headboard.
“This was your idea, stupid.” I looked back at the doorway to the living room and thought about bolting. “Stop it,” I scolded myself. “This is what you want. This is what he wants.”
There was a chaise under the window a few paces away. I went to it on unsteady legs and sat down. My body started rocking while I tried to control my breathing. My vision became unfocused as images flashed through my mind, forcing their way to the surface…
He came home from his job search at a decent time and they had dinner as a family. Afterward, he went into the living room with their daughter to start a movie while she put the baby to bed and returned to the kitchen to do the dishes before joining them.
Since it was a kid’s movie, he looked at his phone through most of it. She was just happy they were together as she snuggled against him on the sofa.
He’d had several whiskeys and beers with dinner then while the movie played, so he was half asleep when she took the child to bed when it ended.
She went to change into pajamas and then to brush her teeth. When she returned to their room, he was lying on the bed, stripped down to his underwear .
He gave her a look she knew well as he cocked his finger at her. “Come ‘ere, sugar,” he slurred.
Her smile was tired. “No way, babe. I gave birth five weeks ago. I haven’t even had my checkup with Doctor Carter yet.”
He gave her a pout. “Your man has needs.”
She climbed into bed with a yawn. She was exhausted and wanted to pass out but didn’t want him to be disappointed so she slid a hand up his chest. “How about I give you something else?” she offered with a sassy grin.
He sighed and reached past her to turn off the lamp on her side of the bed, pitching the room into darkness. As he sat back, he put his arms around her and started kissing her. She let him, giving him a little foreplay before he was ready for her to do the things he liked.
He slipped a hand beneath her nightshirt and squeezed her breast through her nursing bra. The other hand moved down her body between her legs and started rubbing her hard.
She sucked in a sharp breath. “Really, not tonight. It’s too soon.”
He kissed her neck as he shifted his body and moved between her legs, pressing them apart with his knees, bringing his weight down on her, and grabbing her breasts harder. She flinched; they were swollen and sore from breastfeeding.
“I promise,” he breathed against her throat, “you’ll like it, Maddie Girl.”
“Just let me take care of you, okay.” She started pushing at his chest to get him to understand she was serious and moved to crawl out from under his body.
He grabbed her hands and raised them above her head, gripping them in one of his, and pressed his weight down so she couldn’t move her arms.
“Wait!” she shrieked as he jerked her shorts and underwear down, pressing his knee behind hers to force her right leg up so he could pull them past her raised foot.
“Seriously, babe, you’re going to hurt me.” She started to panic as she felt him fumble with his boxers. “Please stop! Don’t—”
She cried out in pain and shock as he forced himself inside her.
He let go of her hands and dropped to his elbows on either side of her head. “I’ll make it quick, sugar.” He groaned as he started to move on top of her.
She balled her fists, digging her fingernails into her palms.
She was unable to move.
Unable to speak.
Unable to process what was happening.
She bit her lip hard, drawing a metallic taste as little whimpers escaped her throat and tears ran down her temples as he grunted and shot pain through her over and over.
He let out a moan of pleasure as he dropped his head to her shoulder and breathed heavily. When he left her body, he kissed her mouth before rolling over onto his side of the bed.
“Night, love ya.”
She lay in stunned silence. When she heard his soft snores begin, she slowly rolled on her side away from him, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them as her body shook and tears streamed from her eyes, painting the pillow with anguish.
I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped my hands together, trying to stop their shaking. I felt disgusted with myself, at the memory I’d been unable to keep locked away.
Drew never said anything about what he’d done that night, and I’d let him. I convinced myself he’d been drinking and didn’t realize he hurt me. I did what I’d always done. I found a way to excuse his behavior and buried my feelings instead.
My anxiety hadn’t allowed me to sleep beside him again. After a few nights lying awake in a ball on the edge of the bed, I’d started sleeping in the girls’ room. My excuse was that I could get to Sadie quicker for feedings so she didn’t wake up her sister.
I avoided being touched during the last few months of our marriage. That awful night seven years ago had been my last experience with intimacy.
I stared at Logan’s bed as I warred with myself. I was scared to feel vulnerable, to open myself up to trusting someone and possibly being hurt again. Logan was right; memories did not stop hurting us .
I felt a flash of anger at Drew. For his part in making me this person. For the fear buried inside me. For spoiling this experience and the wonderful feelings I’d been having with Logan with a past that was making it a struggle for me to focus on the present. And not just in this moment, but the whole damn night.
I felt angry at myself this time. Are you still this pathetically broken after seven years, Madison?
I shook my head to clear my mind and think only about Logan. I was with a man who had been nothing but gentle and kind. A man I wanted to believe was different. Logan hadn’t done anything to earn the doubt and fear I was feeling.
I knew I would never learn to trust someone again if I never started trusting someone again. I grit my teeth; I would be damned if I let memories of Drew take this from me.
“A gorgeous man wants you tonight,” I murmured as I stood. “He’s not drunk and he wants you. And you want him.”
I tried to shake off my nerves and quickly took off my sandals then gripped the hem of my dress, pulling it over my head before I could change my mind. I dropped it on the chaise and stared down at my body in a matching bra and pantie set in a pale pink. I hadn’t thought for a second I’d end up in Logan’s bedroom when I was getting ready for dinner. Whatever made me think to put on pretty undergarments, I was giving thanks to.
I went to the bed and looked down at it for a few more heartbeats before pulling the linens out from under the pillows. I slid between the cool sheets and brought them up to my chest, raising my knees to wrap my arms around them.
I took one more deep, shaky breath then called out his name.