Chapter Thirty-Four
E ntering Long Term Care, I waved a greeting to a few of the nurses I’d become friendly with over the last few weeks. They stopped me to share their happiness that Riley had come out of her coma. I chatted with them for a few minutes before continuing down the hall.
I set my bags down on the bench outside the room, two were from the cafe, one packed with a meal for Logan, the other full of scones for Riley. I admittedly went a little overboard with that one.
The door was open, so I peeked in and saw Logan sitting beside the bed. Riley was speaking to her father, her lips moving slowly, her voice too low to hear. He responded and then they smiled at each other. I watched them for a few minutes, happy tears threatening.
When Logan stood up, it seemed like the best opportunity to get his attention so I knocked on the door frame and stepped back out of sight. I wasn’t planning to enter the room or be seen unless Logan made it clear that was something he wanted.
I heard his steps on the tiles before he appeared in the doorway. I’d never seen him look so worn out before, plainly exhausted. Logan focused on me, his tired eyes filled with surprise before he gave me a small smile that didn’t reach them.
He turned back to his daughter. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, baby girl,” he told her then joined me in the hall, closing the door behind him. “Hey. What are you doing here? I don’t want you to get behind with work.”
It was almost seven in the evening. He needed more sleep if he was losing track of time. I hid my concern. “Oh, don’t worry about me.” I waved to the bags on the bench. “I thought you could use a decent meal and a change of clothes.” I reached out and ran my thumb over the three-day growth of stubble on his chin. “And clearly a shave.”
Logan wiped his hands down his face. “I’m going to run home once my mother arrives today.”
“Oh, how wonderful. I’m sure she is beside herself with excitement.”
“Yeah.”
He didn’t say more as he looked down the hallway.
“I was so happy to hear everything is going well. Cora said to let you know—”
“I will check in with Cora later. I have it all under control.”
I was startled by the curtness in his tone.
“Of course… I picked up that sandwich you like and— ”
“Thanks.”
My brows came together. This was the Logan I used to know. The serious man with eyes that rarely met mine.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” I took his hand gently, hoping it would snap him out of it, that he would remember it was me.
Logan’s fingers were stiff in mine, his eyes shifted to stare down at the floor tiles. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I immediately knew something was very wrong.
“I know there is a lot going on and you need time to figure it all out. Probably a solid night’s sleep or two as well. It’s okay. I’ll be here to talk and help with whatever you need when you’re ready.”
I nodded with reassurance when his eyes cut to my face.
Logan took a step back as he ran his fingers through his already messy hair, then he scratched his jaw.
“I just don’t know how long that might take. Madison… I don’t think it’s fair to make you wait for me to work all this out.”
I watched him for several silent seconds, apprehension building as he looked anywhere but at me.
“What are you saying, Logan?”
He finally looked at me again and I saw determination in his bloodshot eyes.
“I don’t think with what has happened in the last few days, with the things I need to do for Riley… that we can make this relationship work. The past few weeks have been wonderful, Madison, you know that, but things are different now. I hope yo u can understand, for Riley, it’s like her mother has only been gone for a few days. I have to focus on my daughter. You deserve so much and I don’t know that I can be the person to give it to you now. I think it would be best for all of us—” Logan exhaled hard, “I think we need to end things.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat as he broke eye contact again.
As I’d worried, I knew Logan felt like he needed to shoulder what was happening alone. It had to be so much for him, overwhelming and exhausting, and he couldn’t know how to process it all. Dropping the emotional weight of our relationship was one of the easiest choices Logan could make.
And of course, he would feel guilt at having moved on when his child was only now mourning the loss of her mother. He was laser-focused on doing what was best for Riley and making zero mistakes, this second chance for a life with his child. It was a noble and appropriate response. I of all people understood and respected it.
But inside my head, I was screaming, Please, please don’t do this!
I stared at his face, desperate to see his beautiful smile and that expression he’d started giving me that made me feel like I was his and he was mine.
Logan wouldn’t look at me again though. Instead, he clenched his jaw, trying to remove any emotion and keep his business face in place, rebuilding the wall he used to hide behind as he stared past me .
I pressed my lips together hard as my mind raced for a solution. I knew that if I let myself, I would do or say whatever I could to talk Logan down and knock his wall over again. I would fight for him to let me back in because I loved him.
It somehow felt like I was frozen solid and on fire at the same time when it registered.
I was head over heels in love with Logan.
Of course, I was. I’d grown to know such a different man from the closed-off one I’d observed for years. He was sweet and kind, thoughtful and giving, and so damn smart and vibrant. He was still the beautiful human I’d admired on the outside, but now I knew he was even more beautiful on the inside. He had helped me find confidence and a type of happiness I’d never had in my life before now. How could I not love him?
I squeezed my eyes closed as my heart broke. Logan must not feel the same way about me. He cared for me, but it must not be love, or wouldn’t he want to lean on me instead of pushing me away?
It was completely fair he didn’t feel that way so soon. Maybe with more time, love would have grown for him under different circumstances. This was happening now though, before I’d had the opportunity to maybe settle that deeply into his heart.
I’d spent years trying to be enough for Drew, wanting to be loved so badly that I’d let him hurt me again and again. Logan was nothing like my ex-husband. Even now with the pain in my chest expanding, feeling split in half, I knew he was trying hard not to hurt me as he let me go .
This was the choice he felt was right for him and his daughter. I couldn’t make things worse for him by trying to change his mind, no matter how crushed I was now that I realized what I was losing.
I forced my eyes open. Logan still wouldn’t look at me. I gave myself a few more precious moments to soak up each detail of him, knowing it was different this time, with this man.
The love I felt didn’t come from a lonely girl, so starved to be cared about she was willing to accept and cling to what little she was offered instead of everything she deserved. The love I felt came from a woman who wanted Logan to be happy again no matter what. Even if it meant without me.
“I… I understand,” I finally said, my voice flat and numb as I focused on Logan’s hand I’d forgotten I was holding.
Before I realized what I was doing, I raised his stiff fingers and slid his knuckles across my cheek. This end was so unexpected, I needed to feel his touch on my face one more time. His hand started to soften in mine, so I quickly let go and stepped back.
I wanted to be strong but when I made myself look at him again, Logan had given in and was staring at me with compassion now. I wasn’t able to control the fat tears that slid free and hated myself a little as I hurried to wipe them away. Logan’s face fell and he opened his mouth.
Knowing I couldn’t handle any words of pity, I spoke before he could .
“Thank you for all your help with the condo this summer; it’s perfect and beautiful. I will always be grateful for it and… and our time together.”
I swallowed as I took another step back and picked up my bag from the bench.
“It’s so wonderful that you have Riley back and I know you will find happiness together again. You deserve it so much.” I tried to smile at him. “Maybe someday… you can let me… know if you need a” —my voice was breaking— “friend,” I forced out and quickly turned to leave.
I was moving fast, my eyes pressed closed, and didn’t see the person rushing in the opposite direction. Our shoulders hit and we were both spun sideways.
The older woman grabbed my arm to steady me. “I am so sorry about that, darling,” she apologized before hurrying down the hall.
I recognized her from photos I’d studied, her beautiful eyes that matched Logan’s perfectly. Silvia Harper ran and threw her arms around her son with a sob.
I let myself have one more look at the man I loved and met Logan’s hollow gaze still on me as he held his crying mother. I blinked away another set of tears as I walked away.