Chapter 24 Faith
TWENTY-FOUR
FAITH
Every time Jude touches me, it sends shivers down my spine and the heat pools in my core. I’ve always pondered the possibilities of us—what if? Now that the chance is staring me right in the face, I’m wary of diving headfirst. But my body wants more of him.
The passion behind his eyes radiates as he raises an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”
I sit at the edge of my stool and wonder…
is everything okay? Or better yet, is everything going to be okay?
It’s like trying to navigate the waters in a storm.
Despite years spent studying and practicing therapy, you’d think I’d have a clearer understanding of these emotions.
Yet here I am, just another human wrestling with the complexities of life and love.
“I think so.” I’m relieved I said it. “It’s all happening so fast.” The love I have for him that never went away is nearly suffocating. All those nights, fantasizing he’d show up in my life and sweep me off my feet, and here he is—everything I need right now.
As he rubs his chin back and forth with his fingers, he says, “Yeah, it is. I’m surprised you haven’t asked me to leave.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to stay. I want to be here with you all day.
Yes, it’s fast, but you can’t deny all the feelings that are churning inside and the magnetic pull between us.
” He intertwines his fingers with mine. The warmth that fills my body confirms I’m right where I want to be.
“You’re right, I can feel it. I didn’t expect this to happen.
Never mind this quickly.” She holds my hand tighter and says, “We can finish breakfast and watch a movie if you want. How does that sound?” Him being here, taking care of me, is all I want today.
We’re moving faster than I could have ever imagined, but it feels right.
“That sounds great—let's get you back to bed. I’ll move your food over to the nightstand.” He brings the fruit and toast to the bed as I crawl under the covers and prop myself up.
“Just like old times,” I say. My heart urges me to hold him tight. Spending the morning watching a movie like we used to seems like the best way to keep it low-key this morning.
He clears away the food and dishes before joining me in bed, where I cuddle up to him.
I rest my head on Jude’s chest, and he wraps me in his arms and gently strokes my head and down my back.
This is my rightful place, savoring the present moment.
It’s something I seldom do, but he draws it out of me.
His voice soothes me, and his presence eases my mind.
It feels wonderfully familiar, like stepping back in time.
I shift slightly to meet his gaze. “If I hadn’t changed my number, things might have turned out differently. I believed I was protecting myself, but in hindsight, it might have been me running away.”
He holds me tighter. “Maybe if I had reached out sooner things could’ve been different.
I don’t know, maybe I was running away, too,” he admits, rubbing his forehead.
“I realize my apology can’t erase the hurt I caused you, and I hope you understand that.
” His tone conveys everything I need to hear.
He’s sincere, and I still know him well.
He’s a good person who made some regrettable choices.
Having this honest discussion with him opens my mind and heart to his pain.
We all have struggles in life, and those struggles change us.
I’m more guarded than I’ve ever been in my life, and my heart has a gigantic wall around it.
No one has ever occupied my heart since Jude.
Now, that wall feels like it’s crumbling under his care and touch.
“I do, Jude.” A hint of regret is seeping in.
If I had stayed in touch with his mom and sister, I might have learned about his accident.
Perhaps we could have sorted things out back then, though it’s hard to imagine that with all the hurt.
I likely would have slammed the door in his face.
After the first Christmas we spent apart, I severed ties with his mom and sister.
It was just too painful being around them and in the house where Jude and I spent so much time together.
In my Christmas card to them the following year, I shared how I was still experiencing a lot of pain and needed some distance.
His mom wrote me back and said she completely understood and to reach out if I needed anything.
She was always someone that I could count on and was always supportive.
I wish my mom was supportive, but instead my mom just pushed me to achieve more and forget about boys all together.
It was always about getting better grades and being perfect.
She wasn’t supportive when it came to the abortion.
That’s when our relationship changed for good.
I wasn’t her perfect little girl anymore, and there was no way I’d get in her good graces again.
I’m thankful I have my friends to fill that void.
“I can’t imagine what I would have done if you had come for me.
We were young, and you were my first love—my only love.
” Wow, I can’t believe I just said that.
I’ve let my defenses slip. Everything he’s done over the last few days has been like removing one brick at a time from the wall around my heart.
As he strokes my hair, my body molds to his even further. “You’ve been my only love, too. No one has lived up to that standard, which is why I’m still single.” He takes a deep breath, “And that’s why I gave up dating a long time ago to focus on my business.”
With butterflies in my stomach, I say, “We might have some things in common.” I chuckle and add, “I’ve been doing the same thing, but my friends keep arranging dates for me, and I go just to keep them quiet.
” My head shakes as I recall all those unsuccessful dates because they weren’t Jude.
It’s unbelievable that I’m lying on this man’s chest.
The possibilities of what could happen race through my mind.
This intense longing for him is driving me crazy.
As I trail my hand down his muscular, tattooed biceps, heat builds between my legs, and I shift, hoping to ease the throbbing.
The faint scent of fresh rain lingers on him, and I can’t stop imagining him caressing me all over, in every way.
“Yeah, my friends gave up on me a long time ago. When I kept saying no, they realized I wouldn’t budge,” Jude admits, still playing with my hair.
“My friends, well, mostly Kendall, find creative ways to set me up. I have a hard time saying no.”
He stares at the TV. “Dating is awful. And it looks like limited movie choices.”
“Yeah, I mean, they have the first Fast and Furious, which brings me back to when we would lie on your couch and watch it.”
He kisses the top of my head and says, “This will be like old times, that’s for sure.”