Chapter 26 Faith
TWENTY-SIX
FAITH
I freeze when Jude gives me a folded piece of paper that resembles a letter. I turn my head and upper body to steal a glance at him. I unfold it, and with a shaky hand, I read it.
Faith,
It’s been seven months since the last time I spoke to you, but it feels like a lifetime ago.
I miss the hell out of you and know it’s all my fault that I’m not sitting in front of you right now.
I’ve regretted my decision from the moment I made it.
I don’t know how to live my life without you.
I’m stuck. You are the love of my life, and I let a lot of things get in the way of that.
It wasn’t fair to you and knowing that I was the one to break us makes it that much harder.
I’m struggling a lot right now. The guilt I carry goes beyond the breakup. I know I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I can’t even explain why I didn’t turn around when you called and told me about the pregnancy. I should have been there for you.
My snowboarding crash crushed my dreams. I had surgery, and it was worse than I imagined.
Now I’m stuck at home doing shitty physical therapy for six months with too much time on my hands.
I haven’t stopped thinking about how I want you here.
Breaking up with you and focusing on what I wanted (and what my friends said—not trying to blame anyone else, I’m fully responsible for all my decisions).
I’m hurting, too, and I have no one but myself to blame.
I hope you are doing well, and you’re thriving in life. I hope you have everything you’ve ever wanted, including an amazing first year of college. And I hope, one day, I’ll have the courage to mail this letter to you.
One day.
Know you’re on my mind every day, and I’m so sorry for all the hurt, the pain, and for leaving you. I hope you remember me, too. Until we meet again, my love, you are my everything.
Loving You Always,
Jude
I wipe away the never-ending stream of tears. Life can be so harsh. Jude holds me tightly, and he’s emotional, too. All this time, I believed he had forgotten me and everything we experienced together. But he was hurting, too.
“Jude, this is...” I curl into him with tears streaming down my cheek, seeking comfort in his arms. The letter drives a knife through my heart, reigniting the pain. Reading his words brings a new kind of hurt.
Clearing his throat, he says, “Faith, you are my everything.”
I can sense the struggle in his voice, and my tears drench his shirt.
The tears for our lost time, for this moment, for our loss, for everything that’s happened.
This trip, this reconnection, is unfolding in ways I never expected.
I cling to him, unwilling to let go, as a flood of memories rushes through my mind—all the wonderful moments we’ve shared.
“I wanted to show you, not just tell you, what was going on in my life. That letter is the only way I knew how to show you,” he says, and his head nestles deeper into my neck as his hands rub my back.
“I understand.” The sobbing eases, and the tears stop. I regain my composure and say, “This reminds me of how it was between us when things were good. It only took over a decade and a resort getaway.” I’m cherishing this special moment spent with Jude.
We slowly pull away, our eyes meet and lock, and the world around us fades away as we become lost in each other.
His lips suddenly meet mine with force, and everything else disappears.
It’s as if we are the only two people in existence.
His kiss pulls away the hurt and pain I’ve been carrying.
I feel the barriers around my heart breaking away, leaving me exposed.
As I looked down at his shirt, I ended up making a mess of it.
He takes it off, and oh my! It takes everything inside of me not to run my fingers all over his chiseled chest. Those tattoos cover every inch of his upper body and arms. A flush of warmth creeps up my neck and spreads across my cheeks.
He had his fingers inside of me, and now I’m blushing at his chest. I shake my head at myself.
He pulls out his phone, and suddenly “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls plays from it.
It’s our first kiss song, so of course it’s tugging at my heartstrings.
He gently holds my hips and lifts me up.
I wrap my arms around his neck as he snakes both of his arms around my waist. We are flush against each other as we slow dance.
We sway back and forth as the music penetrates my heart.
I breathe in his fresh rain scent as I rest my head against his chest, soaking up every single second of our time together.
Back in the day, the only time he would slow dance with me was when I insisted. I giggle at the memory. He gives my ass a playful squeeze, which presses me further into his body.
“That’s what you get for laughing!” He chuckles and glides his hands ever so gently up my waist, resting his thumbs just beneath my breasts.
My nipples tighten and could cut glass at this point.
He rubs his thumbs back and forth. Then he tickles me, and I squirm while trying to get out of his grip; it’s no use.
I stare up at him. “Please stop tickling me! Also, why would you think I was laughing at you?” My hand moves to his face, and I get up on my tiptoes. We gaze into each other’s eyes.
“Even after all this time, I know you. I’m sure you were thinking back to all those dances when you had to beg me to slow dance with you.”
“Still perceptive, I see.” He’s always in my head. Not a mind reader, but close enough.
Dancing with Jude to this song brings back memories. His hands roam down my waist and rest on my ass. I’m in a state of bliss, feeling completely content as I fuse my body with his, right where I want to be. I run my fingers along his arms.
The intricate details of the Celtic designs of his tattoos are incredible.
I see the Claddagh. The two hands that represent friendship, the heart in between the hands represent love and the crown for loyalty.
I still remember when I left my ring on his dining room table.
I trace my fingers over his art—it’s alluring.
The song ends, and Jude takes my hand. He sits back down and pulls me onto his lap again.
We sit silently, wrapped in each other’s arms, gazing out at the horizon.
I’m not sure what’s on his mind, but I’m contemplating how little control we have over so many aspects of our life.
Who would have imagined that Jude and I would reunite here?
This is what I had always dreamt of—him appearing unexpectedly, apologizing, and professing his undying love for me.
It may be over a decade later, but I’ll accept it, all of it, all of him.
My heart swells. Everything is happening so fast. It’s like we fit well together, and it feels natural to be with him, to be in his arms. All of this feels like a dream. Yet, I know this moment is very real.
With my eyes closed, I absorb everything around me.
This scent of fresh rain is embedding itself in my memory.
He used to always wear Drakkar cologne. Now, sensing this more natural fragrance on him is making my heart race, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m sitting on him.
I can’t quite decide. Maybe it’s both. He wraps his arms around my waist, and his fingers gently glide over my hip and down my upper thigh.
I drape one arm around his neck while my other hand rests gently over his heart, feeling its steady rhythm beneath my palm. It’s just the two of us in sync with each other.
“This is perfect.”
Leaning his head into mine, he says, “Yes, it is, and you are perfect, too.”
Sitting on him this way brings up a summer memory. “Remember the dock at the lake house? When we sat at night watching the sunset and waiting for the stars to pop into the sky? Those nights got cold fast, so we’d snuggle up in layers and layers of blankets.”
“Hmm. Want to meet on the beach later and watch the sunset and look at the stars with me?” He squeezes me, and I can’t help but melt further into him. There’s no way in hell I’ll say no to him.
I’m pulled back in time. Those nights were intimate in a way I craved.
He used to tell me all of his hopes and dreams while we sat under the stars together.
It was a time when life fell away and it was just us…
in nature, soaking up the night. He was a big dreamer, and I’m sure that hasn’t changed.
I bet he’s still dreaming about the next big thing.
Jude, sunset, stars, beach…being near him again like this? Yes, please. But my friends may want to have dinner together. I can do both. I know my friends well enough to know that they’ll push me to spend time with him again.
I glide my fingertips up and down his chest. “I think that would be a great way to spend the evening.”
“Then I’ll come get you around six, unless you want to have dinner with me, too?” His voice sounds hopeful.
“The girls will want to have dinner together, but I’d love to still meet up at six.” I smile while thinking about being at the beach, watching the sunset with him, and then following it up by viewing the twinkling stars. My body flushes with the thought of being close to him tonight.
Although a part of me wants to have dinner with him, this is a girls’ trip. And frankly, I need to fill them in on what the hell happened today. They’ve been blowing up my phone and want to hear all about it.
The two of us stay wrapped up in each other, losing time to the sound of the waves as we watch them roll in. I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting together when a knock sounds at my door.